Relationship Trouble (long)

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JDS2oo6

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Hello, I am a 20 yr old male and I have a situation which I need advice on. It probably fits in this forum group best. The story is very long but I will try to be concise as possible
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In September, this 18 yr old girl and I fell in love.  We spent nearly the entire 2003-2004 school year as a couple (my sophomore yr, her freshman yr).  She was a very kind, loving girl.  Yet came from a poor home life, in which her older brother deserted the family and older sister partied during her college years; went from Catholic to Jehovah’s Witness to Baptist and finally Catholic again all while having an illegitimate child.  For a brief time, she and my family were close.  She wanted to be around my family all the time in the infatuation period; and my parents showed her more affection than hers (we’re both commuters to our college and we both still live with our families.  Her parents are not affectionate, period).  She was also a physically beautiful person.  But she made my heart and soul jump for joy when she said she was Catholic (like me) and “loved God and Jesus.”  I thought that was precious, considering she went to public schools all her life, unlike me.  She was also chaste and not a party girl.
Our relationship was fairly Christian, eventhough our greatest weakness as a couple was our physicality. We never had sex of any kind (I made it clear from the beginning with her that I’m waiting ‘til I’m married), but we had our share of fun. I didn’t feel too bad about it because I really loved this woman (yes, even after infatuation) and seriously wanted to marry her; eventhough I can see her flaws. I thought, with steady prayer, God would guide her to take up some more spiritual activity (greater faith, greater love for the Trinity, more works, more prayer, Mass weekly, Penance monthly, etc.)

All has changed now though. Several instances in which she seemed to be unappreciative, selfish, and unloving made me bitter toward her. When she had an opportunity to help the poor, she didn’t want to. When I offered to take her to Mass with me, she did not want to. When she had the opportunity to deepen her faith in the Trinity with me and go confess sins, she refused. Now, all she does is get drunk and she recently cheated on me.

In addition to what I’ve told you, she had randomly insulted me during the relationship: I don’t wear Abercrombie & Fitch, I’m not wealthy, I don’t drive a sports car, I’m fat (not really), I need my eyebrows waxed (no), I look like a homosexual (what?!), I’ve kissed butt to get good grades and a full-tuition scholarship, I work for peanuts at my part-time job (she doesn’t even have a part time job and she could definitely afford to have one), and I can’t treat her every week because I don’t come from a millionaire family like her ex-boyfriend (who was not a practicing Christian, and was caught by my girlfriend having sex with two girls in his dorm room because my girlfriend would not give him her virginity).

She even said her ex who cheated on her is better than me (yes the selfish pretty-boy hedonistic cheating materialistic guy is better than me because he was rich enough to buy her expensive meals weekly. I, the one who truly loves her, cries for her, willing to give my life for her, who gave my time to one girl (her) the one who wanted to be a friend to her anti-social little brother, the one who gave her foster parents in my parents because she has no real relationship with her parents, the guy whose parents loved her as a daughter, the guy who wrote poetry for her, the guy who sang to her, the guy who prays for her, the guy who wants to get her to heaven, and the guy who wanted to marry her is not as good as her ex who was a cheater.

Folks, there’s a lot to this story. Her faith life was always my top priority, period. I need advice (should I pray for her to come back or should I move on?), prayers, and questions if necessary to clarify the situation. I need help, my heart is so troubled and broken. 😦
 
Dont walk RUN away from her. She has lots of problems wich she will work on her whole life.

As for yourself. Ask St Rafeals help and finding a wife. Yet give yourself time before you start dating again.

LOL my last girlfriend before I met my wife broke up with me no become a nun. I told Jesus he owed me one. 😉 Well my wife is well worth all the pain and heartach I went threw. 🙂
 
Firstly, well done for being so open and honest.

I am not an expert at all in relationships, but I would like to give you my view.

She sounds scared, fragile, and her self esteem sounds very low.

I was at that stage once, and at a similar age to her.

I felt the need to “fit in”, so I became very carefree in my ways (thats a nice way of putting it)

The world was waiting for me.

It was only recently at 33 that I have fully realised who I am, where I fit in to this world, and why I did what I did.

I would explain to your friend that you will always be her friend, you will always be there for when she needs you, but I would move on.

She will work it out for herself.

She sounds very intelligent. She will come home when she is ready.

Pray a lot for her, pray that one day the penny will drop as to how she is acting.

The penny dropped for me, and I wish I had a great mate like you to come back home to.

Pray to God to show you what His will is for you and any future relationships.

Maybe He wants you to wait for her, maybe He wants you to find someone else, but He definitely wants you to continue to grow as yourself, as an individual, to continue your education, to grow in your work place as a respectable reliable worker, to be a man that people will look up to.

I will also pray for you. You sound so broken hearted, and believe me, my heart has been so hurt too.

I hope I have helped in some way.

Love Kellie
 
This could very well be a test of your fidelity- though she is probably not conscious of it being that. As a young woman I was really, really screwed up after being raped - and I felt completely unloveable for about a decade afterwards. I would long and desire affection- but after I had initially won those things- I would sabotage the whole thing- mostly as a means of seeing who would be hearty enough to stick around.

There are certain things to consider, however, that since you are not married- you are not one flesh and hwile you may want the very best for her- it is not a death til you part situation. The reality is that at her age and given her background that she is very likely rather manipulative, which stems from a great need to be in control of situations to determine the amount of risk and possible hurt. Unconditional love will go a long, long way to healing that over time- but it is really rather difficult to not confuse unconditional love with permissiveness to allow her to self destruct or to hurt you intentionally. Also because of the fact that you are not having sex-she might really question why not- and what is wrong with her and whether or not you really love her- and feel that maybe you see her as not worthy. This is not at all an endorsement for pre-marital sex, as I think it is super destructive- but rather trying to help you see her possible perspective- someone who craves attention and affection is very often mainly focussed on sensual gratification- easy emotional payoff, not just with sex, but in every aspect of a relationship- they want easy good feelings because it is too scary to take the risk of a longer term payoff- because there might be the dreaded rejection.

All of this- including her reluctance to deepen her faith comes from feeling unloveable. It is all because there is no way to accept that the God of the universe personally loves His little daughter with such an immense love. For me it took the steadfast unconditional love of my son (my 4th out of wedlock- I had 1 miscarriage, and 2 I gave up for adoption- and then my son- who blessedly his dad said we could keep him!)- and over time my husband (we didn’t get married until our son was 2- as I wanted to wait until he was ready to get married in the Church, though we blessedly tried very hard to live chastely during that time). We now have 3 beautiful children and one on the way and will be celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary thhis year-- and I would tell you that after myFaith, my marriage is my single greatest joy. But I must tell you it took a long, long time- and a lot of pain- and a lot of risk-- none of which I think I would have been able to stick around for if it hadn’t been for our son- and the many, many rosaries a lot of faithful people were praying for me. Even after going to daily Mass for two years, and having two children-- I almost left- it was only through God’s intervention throught the mouth of my confessor- did I stay. And God’s grace has allowed me to stay and for our relationship to flourish, and my heart and soul to heal- so tha I may accept the love of my husband and of my Abba! My confessor told me that I was to love my spouse as Christ loves His Church- whether or not my needs were being met, whether or not I was happy, whether or not I was fulfilled- I was called to love my spouse unconditionally, regardless of how it affected me (of course this does not mean to stay in the same house with sombody who is abusive! but that was not the case in our marriage)

Basically I guess the point of me sharing all of this is to show you that what she most needs is to feel and know she is unconditionally loved- but that she might not yet be in a place where she can accept that love. I had a young man wait for years- waiting for my life to take a turn where I would need somebody and it would be him- he was one of the first people to try to really love me and I let him for awhile and then flat out rejected him for much, much worse guys. He waited nearly 7 years for me- but when I was married and pregnant with our daughter- he finally moved on. He didn’t really talk to me- but stayed friends with my parents and just kind of let me know he was around-

If she has rejected you outright- she might never really be able to come back- but she might also be really moved by your unconditional love. Most of all- pray for her!! HAve Masses said for her intentions-pray lots of rosaries and DIvine Mercy chaplets for her!! Make Holy Hours for her intentions!You will never change her- but God’s grace will work miracles in her life!! Sometimes to gain someone else’s spiritual best interests- it menas we must remove ourselves from the equation-- sometimes it means we have to stick around, depite great pain. Take your concerns to Adoration-- Jesus will direct you paths if you lay everything at His feet and truly seek His will in the situation!

My prayers to you and this young lady! God Bless!
 
Okay, from the point of view of a middle-aged old lady who has seen lot of romances, married couples with marital problems, marital bliss, a lot of divorces, a lot of life in its good and bad… My advice is to part with her. Recognize that you have loved and learned but this one is not it. Really it isn’t. You are destined for much better and you will only find it if you learn to kindly but firmly break off relationships that are detrimental to your spiritual growth.

Everything you have said makes it clear that this young woman has a lot of growing to do. You can’t do it for her. Only she can change and she has to want to passionately. She is not there yet and may never be or may not be for a very long time. I predict that you will meet up with her in 20 years. You will be happily married with children (or maybe a priest), settled in your career and life, at peace with yourself and with God. And she won’t be any of those things.

I don’t say that unkindly. It’s just that I now see my friends from college who struggled then and are still struggling with their demons now. I have asked myself why I was different then and more satisfied now. I recognize that it is because I had a sense for what I wanted, had realistic goals, and did not let myself get off track or settle for less than I should.

Think long term, and pray about what God wants for you. Good luck and peace in your deliberations.
 
Friends, I thank you for your advice.

I want to add something else:

The fact that my girlfriend’s behavior has changed is most alarming to me. From going to grade schools to discuss the evils of alcoholism with little kids to getting drunk and falling over, all in the span of a year. And I only think this is the beginning too. Drugs and pre-marital sex may be on the way too.

I had sensed for a while there was no mutual love in the relationship…this is why I told her earlier this month that if there is no mutual love and if her only friend who treats her like **** means more to her than me, expect me to date other people. I told her I can’t put my life on hold, waiting anxiously to know whether or not I’m in a relationship with her.

One last note, I’m not perfect either. I said some things which were out of line probably, but I always apologized with my tears. And I meant it from the bottom of my heart. And it was over stupid stuff. We debated over organ donation (I am a donor; she’s not, she’s against it) and I suppose I made a big deal about it (the best gift you can give is the gift of life!) and told her she has a twisted view of life–she would only donate to her family or me, no one else. She doesn’t want her body fooled around with after death (“But Honey, you’re dead, you won’t feel anything. Hospitals taking out your organs is the LEAST of your problems after you die. Worry about being with Jesus forever or suffering in hell forever for after you die.”)

But like I said in my original post, I never insulted her. I offered advice in a loving way (take a class oveer in which she got a D in , go to a psychologist or priest to talk about her unhappiness and home-life----never called her crazy; I’ve been in therapy for panic attack and anxiety for almost 3 yrs.), but she took those things as insults.

She takes issue with going to church too. Me wanting to take her to Mass, in the last few months, seems like me trying to parent her, she says. I told her I’m not forcing her to go to Mass, but I really want her to go to Mass for her and her spiritual development. I even gave her incentive to go to Mass with me (shopping at the mall with her—big sacrifice for me!, expensive dinners, etc.). She was raised in a home in which Mass attendence was monthly or semi-monthly.

I also think she got angry about me saying that a person is good or bad by what they do the other 6 days of the week (her friend like I mentioned calls herself a die-hard religious Catholic because she goes to Mass each Sunday and beleieves in God. Isn’t that special?! Yea, right. So I gues that doesn’t include her drinking binges and Gothic lifestyle the other 6 days of the week. I told my girlfriend and her Gothic friend that it is NOT ENOUGH to believe in God. Even Satan knows there is a God. I told them both 2 weeks ago when I last saw them in a coherent state that we are called to LOVE God with all our mind, heart, and soul…and to help and love our neighbors.

I was given warnings about our relationship by outsiders and acquaintances (ie we’re exact opposites—I’m outgoing and have a lot of close friends, she’s shy and has 1 close friend, I’m usually laughing smiling and acting goofy, she’s serious and angry-looking).

Maybe it is a blessing that Christina (my gf) and are broken up, but I miss the person she used to be: the sweet, loving, kind, caring, and innocent gal. All I wanted was for us to grow in faith in Jesus together and look what happened 😦
 
My husband and I are exact opposites, but we have a great marriage-- because of the simple fact that we are each other’s top priority. I personally think personality is noreally all that important- but rather a willingness to sacrifice oneself for the good of the other person. If someone is not willling to make those sacrifices- they are probably not someone to court, as marriage with that person will likely be a disaster, unless they learn the art of joyful sacrifice through Grace.

Watching those we love make bad choices is excrutiating-- just pray for her soul, pray for her eternity. But you also need to be approaching future relationships from a point of mutual fullness- where one person is not lacking in some way and looking to the other person to make them whole. That very nearly always equals disaster! I promise you that she cannot hear and respond to your concern now- but ot will resonate and when the time is right she will hopefully turn back to God. I urge you to pray for her gift of healing and that she will feel loveable- but alas, I would say my advice is to do so from a distance.

God Bless!! GO to Adoration-- seek consolation from our sweet JEsus!!
 
JDS,

It has been almost 40 years since I was where you are and I still remember and understand how you feel. Believe me, a romantic relationship in which you are trying or wanting to save someone, whether you are the man or the woman doing the saving, is doomed to confusion, failure, heartbreak and pain. She needs serious counselling beyond what you can provide. You will not heal her wounds. you will only receive more yourself. Move on and keep her in your prayers.
 
Update!

I talked with my exgirlfriend’s friend of 14-15 yrs the other day and he said that she lied to me about her past. It turns out that she was a partier even before she met and had sex before she met me. When we first began dating, I asked her if she did these types of things and she vehemently denied these things. He also communicated to me that she is a sociopath.

So, she was good around me just so that she could keep me, but I got to be old and advocated Christ too much so she left me and went back to her old ways of drunkenness and pre-marital sex.

There are no good girls out there! 🙂
 
YOur first few posts I was thinking “ok maybe you should stay” but the fact that she lied to you about her ways before, especially her virginity tells me that she doesn’t respect you. So you should leave her. Be nice and tell her you’ll be her friend whenever she truly wants help, but other than that, leave her, you’d be better off.

But one question? what do you mean by a “gothic lifestyle”?

Oh, and there are good girls out there, you just have to find them.
 
I am the father of 5 sons and will give you the advise that I would give them under these circumstances. This young lady needs your prayers, but has some serious issues to deal with. You need to move on. Forget any idea that you will change her as the relationship evolves; may divorced people have discovered the flaw of this kind of thinking.

The best place to find (the best) women is at church. For the ladies, it is also the best place to find guys. May sound corny but its true.

Also, pray now for the person that you will ultimately marry. She needs your prayers too. And don’t worry, you will find the object of your prayers.

God Bless
 
you are only 20 years old so you have plenty of time for serious relationships. In the meantime concentrate on school and also pray for your future spouse. I am also 20 and was in a pretty bad relationship when I was 16. I also thought that I was in love but now I think that it was only because it was my first boyfriend and the first few months that we dated he was wonderful. after a while like your ex, he would randomly freik out at me for no reason. people would tell me he was “bad news” but I kept making excuses for him afraid that I would never find anyone that i would be “in love” with again,(even though he was really mean to me and did not respect me at all) It was hard for me to get over it even though I knew that i was not being treated right. I always thought that he would go back to the way he used to or that I could change him, but the truth is that you cant, so my advice to you would be to pray for her and move on.

here is a website that has helped me re-evaluate my views on dating or courting or whatever you wanna call it… good luck and in the meantime relax and enjoy the single life!

http://www.pureloveclub.com/index.php
 
JDS,

It has been almost 40 years since I was where you are and I still remember and understand how you feel. Believe me, a romantic relationship in which you are trying or wanting to save someone, whether you are the man or the woman doing the saving, is doomed to confusion, failure, heartbreak and pain. She needs serious counselling beyond what you can provide. You will not heal her wounds. you will only receive more yourself. Move on and keep her in your prayers.
Excellent and succinct advice:thumbsup:
 
JDS2006–I agree with everyone here, and I would pray for her, but I wouldn’t be someone’s doormat any longer. You might have loved her – the person you once knew–but she clearly is heading down another path, and hurting you over and over in the process. I believe that if you are both meant to be, God will bridge your paths together again. But, for now, I’d move on–pray for her–be kind–but focus on your school, friends, and in the future…meeting someone who doesn’t put you down. I can see you wanting to help her, but you’ll have to hurt yourself to do so, and I don’t imagine God expects us to be emotional punching bags for others to take advantage of. I would be kind, and forgiving–but wouldn’t continue to date her.

Hope things work out–plz keep us posted.🙂
 
****** OLD THREAD ALERT ***********

This thread is from May 2004 and the last post from the OP was in June 2004.
 
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