Relationship troubles: marrying and moving abroad

[Dulcie]

Hi, posting to ask whether anyone might have any good advice or insight into my situation. I’m engaged to be married next summer. My fiance and I are from different countries (we met online), though he has children from a previous (annulled) marriage who live in my country. In lots of ways it makes sense for me to move to his country; he has cheap rental accommodation there, and has a permanent job. I, on the other hand, will have to look for a new job after the summer anyway as mine is only temporary, and it would probably be quite hard for us to find jobs in the same place in my country if he were to try to move over here.

That being said, I’m very nervous about moving. I’ll have to learn a new language, make new friends, get used to a new culture, and leave all my family and friends behind. My biggest worries are that it may be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to find a job in the city where he lives, and that if I’m out of work for a while then I may find that it’s very difficult to find work back in my home country if we try to move back. I don’t want to give up a career I truly love, and wouldn’t want us to have to survive on one income (for example, if he died later on then I would need to know that I could support myself and any children). I don’t think I’ll be very happy in his country if I’m not working.

My final worry is that I’m not at all sure I’ll be ready to cope with a baby on top of such a big move; I’ll be completely honest and say that I’m not hugely keen on the idea of NFP, that the strength to commit to using NFP rather than contraception is coming from his faith, which is stronger than mine, and that I am quite anxious about the possibility of getting pregnant straight after the move, before I’ve had a chance to adjust. The huge amount of anxiety and strain I’m feeling about all of this is making me treat him less lovingly and patiently than I would like, though he is very patient. I don’t know what to do, or what to think - feeling quite wobbly about the whole thing , though I do know that I definitely love and want to marry him. Sorry about the length of this post, the situation feels a little complicated to explain!

 

[Deltadeliquent]

I was as once in your position, almost.
I had been married before and had a child from that “marriage”. I was past my 30’s at the time.
I moved with my son to be with him.
Moving overseas is very difficult, even if you go to a country you already loved, and speak the language, which I did. I was able to get my son In School, find a good job in a sector that paid well. I loved my new country with a passion, still do. And I loved my husband more and more each day. Our blended family was not ideal for many reasons, mostly those of personality clashes. There are things I would have done differently. There are things I did well.
It sounds like you are in a different stage of life than I was. So I think your transition would be easier in some ways. But the language will make it difficult.
I would say to you: if you truly love this man, and want to make you life with him, you can do this. If you think of it as an adventure, a project, of you think of it as grabbing life with both hands, and being proud of yourself for choosing such an amazing challenge, you will do great.
If you think of it as a burden, if you are doing it only because he wants you to, you will fail. And in the end, so will the relationship. You must also consider your own needs and wants. That’s the recent mistake I made.
I might also add, could you get some sort of agreement from him to come back to your native country at some specified point? Say…in five years in his country, if you were pining for home and not doing well, then it is time to go home. With his children there I should be a no brainer for him.
If you are young, I would wait a few before having children. One thing you both will have to work out is cultural differences. They can be very subtle. Don’t underestimate them. What can be normal word usage to you, can be rude and shellfish to him. You both have to interested in each other’s culture and be willing to learn and let go.

My Brit was a good choice, in the end. We are very happy together and although my son never settled I am glad I did what I did. We are in the process of having our marriage regularized now. We have been through good and more recently, bad. But we are both growing and learning and I see a long future before us.
We are back on the other side of the pond now, so he can have his foreign adventure. After a huge mistake in location and expectations that threatened to kill our marriage we seem to be coming out of the crisis now, and I look forward moving to a more appropriate location and to growing old with him.

 

[robwar]

if his children are in the country you live in, then why doesn’t he move there? I think you are having very realistic views and feelings and are being honest with yourself. Maybe these worries are a sign that this might not be the one for you and you for him. Marriage is a big enough adjustment without adding a different country, culture and language on top of that and worries about pregnancy and jobs. If you are not ready to join him there and he isn’t moving to where you live, you might have to rethink marriage to him.

 

[PennyinCanada]

Are there NFP classes available where you are? Take some classes and do your own charting for a few months and you will see that you will be able to tell when you ovulate. I think that every teen girl should take NFP to understand how their body works. It may very well give you some courage that you can understand your fertility. If you don’t like the idea of going alone, ask a girlfriend to come along. They will benefit from the information. Once I learned what to watch for I could tell when my ovulation was delayed and when it eventually happened. Great to know and nice to have a heads up when things are delayed and when your period is going to start.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Hi, posting to ask whether anyone might have any good advice or insight into my situation. I’m engaged to be married next summer. My fiance and I are from different countries (we met online), though he has children from a previous (annulled) marriage who live in my country. In lots of ways it makes sense for me to move to his country; he has cheap rental accommodation there, and has a permanent job. I, on the other hand, will have to look for a new job after the summer anyway as mine is only temporary, and it would probably be quite hard for us to find jobs in the same place in my country if he were to try to move over here.

That being said, I’m very nervous about moving. I’ll have to learn a new language, make new friends, get used to a new culture, and leave all my family and friends behind. My biggest worries are that it may be very difficult, if not impossible, for me to find a job in the city where he lives, and that if I’m out of work for a while then I may find that it’s very difficult to find work back in my home country if we try to move back. I don’t want to give up a career I truly love, and wouldn’t want us to have to survive on one income (for example, if he died later on then I would need to know that I could support myself and any children). I don’t think I’ll be very happy in his country if I’m not working.

My final worry is that I’m not at all sure I’ll be ready to cope with a baby on top of such a big move; I’ll be completely honest and say that I’m not hugely keen on the idea of NFP, that the strength to commit to using NFP rather than contraception is coming from his faith, which is stronger than mine, and that I am quite anxious about the possibility of getting pregnant straight after the move, before I’ve had a chance to adjust. The huge amount of anxiety and strain I’m feeling about all of this is making me treat him less lovingly and patiently than I would like, though he is very patient. I don’t know what to do, or what to think - feeling quite wobbly about the whole thing , though I do know that I definitely love and want to marry him. Sorry about the length of this post, the situation feels a little complicated to explain!

It just seems to me like there are a lot of red flags here and a potential for undue and unhealthy stressors on a new marriage. Perhaps this is not the best idea?

 

[Dulcie]

I would say to you: if you truly love this man, and want to make you life with him, you can do this. If you think of it as an adventure, a project, of you think of it as grabbing life with both hands, and being proud of yourself for choosing such an amazing challenge, you will do great.
If you think of it as a burden, if you are doing it only because he wants you to, you will fail. And in the end, so will the relationship. You must also consider your own needs and wants. That’s the recent mistake I made.

Thank you, this is very wise. It’s hard when you have conflicted feelings: on the one hand there’s the irrational part of you screaming “how dare you come into my life and turn it upside down”. But at the same time, all the calmer, more mature and rational parts are thinking "yes, but this is one of the finest men I’ve ever met, I love him very deeply, I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and I thank God every time we’re together for sending such a good and loving man into my life, who I know will love me “as Christ loved the Church” throughout our marriage. So in answer to those who are wondering if I’m doing the right thing - I think and pray so! But I think the previous poster is right: this will only work if I embrace it, and don’t sabotage it.

Re NFP, I’m not sure how to find out about reliable classes in my area. I’ve googled, but the only one I can find looks a bit New Age. I’m in the UK: if anyone knows of a reliable directory of classes then I’d be very grateful.

Delta, many of the other points you raised are also spot on, including the cultural differences (though in our case it’s usually the other way round, as I’m the Brit and it’s his culture that is usually a bit blunter than mine. Can take you off guard sometimes, so definitely requires patience and a sense of humour!

 

[Dulcie]

if his children are in the country you live in, then why doesn’t he move there?

Essentially because his financial and professional situation is much more secure in his home country, where he already has a job. He won’t - understandably - move to my country without a permanent job lined up here first as he has children to support, and jobs in his (and my) field are not the easiest to find. It would also be difficult for us to find jobs in the same area of my country, whereas in his country we can at least exist on one salary if we have to. If I’m very unhappy over there then he says that he (and I) will try again to find work here. The uncertainty over that isn’t over whether he would agree to try to move, but whether we would manage to find jobs in the same vicinity.

 

[Xantippe]

First off, make sure that your fiance gets a term life insurance policy. If he refuses, I wouldn’t get married to him. He has children already and he has no business dying without making adequate provision for them. Explain your concerns and make sure there’s insurance in place for when you get married.

The usual rule of thumb is an insurance payout that is 8-10 years of current income. That sounds like a lot, but it really isn’t. A term insurance policy can be purchased relatively inexpensively. (We carry well over a million dollars US for $126 a month US via the Knights of Columbus–a bargain when one considers the risks involved. A small chunk of that is on me, as if I were to die unexpectedly, my husband would have substantial childcare costs.)

money.cnn.com/retirement/guide/insurance_life.moneymag/index7.htm

 

[PennyinCanada]

Re NFP, I’m not sure how to find out about reliable classes in my area. I’ve googled, but the only one I can find looks a bit New Age. I’m in the UK: if anyone knows of a reliable directory of classes then I’d be very grateful.

Contact local Catholic churches.

 

[robwar]

Essentially because his financial and professional situation is much more secure in his home country, where he already has a job. He won’t - understandably - move to my country without a permanent job lined up here first as he has children to support, and jobs in his (and my) field are not the easiest to find. It would also be difficult for us to find jobs in the same area of my country, whereas in his country we can at least exist on one salary if we have to. If I’m very unhappy over there then he says that he (and I) will try again to find work here. The uncertainty over that isn’t over whether he would agree to try to move, but whether we would manage to find jobs in the same vicinity.

What does your family think about all of this?

 

[Dulcie]

First off, make sure that your fiance gets a term life insurance policy. If he refuses, I wouldn’t get married to him. He has children already and he has no business dying without making adequate provision for them. Explain your concerns and make sure there’s insurance in place for when you get married.

I believe he has life insurance already, for the benefit of his existing children, and will be happy to add me. I’ll talk to him about it. One thing I’ve already said to him is that I don’t want to be financially dependent on his family in the event of his death (or, God forbid, if anything did go wrong with our marriage). They own the house we’ll be renting, so we won’t own a house together at least in the short-term. He doesn’t mind sorting out the financial side as long as we can keep it strictly practical and not emotional (which can be difficult, especially from my side ).

 

[Dulcie]

What does your family think about all of this?

Mixed feelings, I think. They are quietly approving of my fiance, and they like seeing how he makes me so happy But I think they do find the idea of my leaving my home country behind very hard (especially my dad); they understand my career worries; my dad in particular is very aware of how vulnerable I would be if anything went wrong, and it does make him very anxious at times, I think.

Edit: I should say that I haven’t discussed NFP with them. That’s something I don’t feel able to talk about with friends and family, so no-one has given me any advice on that score.

 

[Anglewannabe]

What country is her from? My concern is if he is from a country where women have no rights, break it off right now. Honestly, I have to wonder how much face to face time you have with him? It just does not sound good

 

[ClearWater]

What concerned me was that you titled your thread, “Relationship troubles” and are coming for advice and you’re not yet in the marriage.

I’ve moved around quite a bit. I’ve lived in Mexico for 10 years. My first year, due to the circumstances, culture shock and language, I cried at one point, everyday! I had sickness, here.

Oh yeah, and in my first marriage, I married a Mexican man, almost forgot to mention it (that “marriage” has since been annuled, though). So, I was married to a foreigner, myself.

We had to contend with Immigration, pay all kinds of fees for the one of us who was out of the country. It was hard, also, economically.

There are books out on cross-cultural marriages. One that was actually, I think, designed for marriage counselors was called, “Ethnicity and Family Therapy”.

It talked about combinations. For example, it would talk about an American man, Mexican woman, generally give that a thumbs up. However, if it was the reverse, Mexican man, American woman, same book would generally say that combination was more difficult, culturally, but not unworkable.

For example, if an American woman were to marry a Mexican man, one thing it would say was that the daughter-in-law pretty much had to be able to get along with the mother-in-law.

I think what you’re going to has a much higher risk of failure due to all the difficulties stacked against you.

Take communication…I was trying to make it work in Mexico, had taken classes in Spanish, 1 per semester, for 2 1/2 years, had studied intensively on my own, making this hobby like my full-time job.

I went to Ecuador, lived with an Ecuadorian family for 3 weeks, studied intensively 7 hours/day and was exposed to it 24/7. Even so, even with all that preparation, it was pretty brutal when I moved to Mexico, especially my first year.

I had some run ins with people over culture. Culture is also more unforgiving, generally, than language. If you make a mistake with culture, you may not even know what you did wrong!

What I did that helped was that my first time living outside the country, it was my idea. I wanted to do this. Then, I stayed at a Catholic home for children where there were several Americans. The Americans helped guide me, told me how to move money from one country to another, how to deal with Immigration and the people. I don’t know what I would have even done without all their advice and support that first year.

I am very strong, though, in this sense I have so much language experience, am quite fluent. I worked as a professional Spanish interpreter in the US 4 years, but I’d be lying if I told you the lack of support was easy.

If you do this, can you at least get language studies well underway, studying the culture, spending time with it. In the US, I went to Spanish mass all the time. I hung out in clubs where they spoke Spanish. I immersed myself in the language long before I even attempted the trip.

I’m concerned about your thread. Well, I’m here, and I know what I went through adjusting, and I had more language and cultural experience than you seem to.

I just wish you were stronger in these areas before attempting it, language, culture, etc.

Also, how does that culture treat women, say? Do they respect them and treat foreigners well?

Try to be brutally honest without yourself. Don’t lie to yourself about anything. If something seems at all wrong, then be careful.

I once tried dating over the internet. I went out to a foreign country. My experience was negative. When I got there, I saw he lied about a bunch of things… He told me he had a job and was living with his mother to take care of her. When I got there, turned out he was living with his mother, but she was taking care of him! He was also unemployed. Also, the photo he sent was from years before.

It was good as a learning experience. I just realized it was simply too easy to keep secrets on major items, dating long distance. I might be tempted to try it again, since I’m single. However, I remember that time and won’t do that again.

If I date, I have decided I REALLY want to be able to know my potential partner well, and I found I simply can’t long distance, especially internationally.

I heard of a case they said was true, about a lesbian who put up a picture of a man on the internet, said “he” was looking for a woman. That got, I believe, hundreds of replies!

I know some have also made it work, though, but I prefer to date locally, if I date.

I just question how well we can know someone that far away.

I would want to know my future husband well before committing to him for life.

Also, why does he need to look abroad for a woman? Women outnumber men. Men have the advantage now. It seems strange to me that he needs to seek abroad. I question why he needs to do that, why he can’t find a woman, locally.

My suggestion would be to take this all very slowly. That is a tremendous amount of change for one year. There is a kind of stress index where they give points to each stressor. Marriage, even when going well, ranks high on stress. Moving ranks high on stress. All those things have sort of a cumulative effect, and especially if you’re not really well prepared for it.

In listening to your thread, I’d have reservations about proceeding. I’m also concerned about the degree of adjustment you will need to undergo.

If you decide to go ahead, I hope you will see a counselor, preferably one who knows about cross-cultural relationships with experience in that.

I actually think it’d be good if you got counseling after your marriage, if you get married, in order to anticipate problems, prevent them, and make a smoother transition.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

 

[ClearWater]

If you go through with this, I recommend looking for others of your same language and culture nearby, so that you can support each other.

How safe is the country you will be going? Can you go online, see what our government has to say about this?

Where I am, they have a tourist warning out about kidnappings of Americans…virtual kidnappings, etc. Indeed, once, someone tried to kidnap me, and I’ve had other things, learned to be WAY more careful.

I have learned to go out during the day, avoid going out at night. If I go out at night, I take a cab directly to my door.

I carry pepperspray in my purse, now.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

For the record, I’m American and Canadian, my husband is a Brit. (I’m now British too, yea!!!) And we met online.
Of the OP is British (lucky woman!) and the potential husband is European of any sort, the immigration thing is not a problem. It also makes traveling home pretty cheap if you can stand the likes of Ryanair. That his children live in the UK means he must have a former (and present) connection with Britain. I bet they would frequently go back and forth.

I was encouraged to hear the way the OP spoke of the potential husband. She clearly loves him very much, and respects him as well. Love is easy, respect is less so.

Respect will get you through times of no love much better than no love will get you through times of no respect.

 

[ClearWater]

Just the fact you are writing this thread to us, to me, indicates you are having significant doubts and second thoughts. If you are having ANY doubts, I’d recommend you not get married until you’re sure.

You have multiple issues to resolve before going.

It’s relatively easy to marry, much harder to separate/divorce. This is for life. Be certain before you make a commitment of this magnitude.

 

[Xantippe]

I believe he has life insurance already, for the benefit of his existing children, and will be happy to add me. I’ll talk to him about it. One thing I’ve already said to him is that I don’t want to be financially dependent on his family in the event of his death (or, God forbid, if anything did go wrong with our marriage).

**Yeah. There should be arrangements in place for you and any future children to be comfortably taken care of without needing to depend on the good will of people you don’t know very well. **

They own the house we’ll be renting, so we won’t own a house together at least in the short-term. He doesn’t mind sorting out the financial side as long as we can keep it strictly practical and not emotional (which can be difficult, especially from my side ).

**Is renting from his family going to be weird? It could be. (For instance, they might not respect your space, given that it’s their space.) And that’s “practical and not emotional.” It’s practical not to unnecessarily financially entangle yourself with family. It could be very expensive to your relationship to save on rent by renting from family. You might want to make sure that if it’s not working for the two of you, you can move on to different housing. A year lease would be a big plenty. This is something to talk about with your fiance. It can be difficult for people to understand that while they love their relatives and their relatives love them, the in-law relationship often requires a little more space to function well.

Also, especially under the circumstances, I wouldn’t rush joint homeownership. You guys have so much to work out without worrying about a house.

Best wishes!**

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

For the record, I’m American and Canadian, my husband is a Brit. (I’m now British too, yea!!!) And we met online.
Of the OP is British (lucky woman!) and the potential husband is European of any sort, the immigration thing is not a problem. It also makes traveling home pretty cheap if you can stand the likes of Ryanair. That his children live in the UK means he must have a former (and present) connection with Britain. I bet they would frequently go back and forth.

I was encouraged to hear the way the OP spoke of the potential husband. She clearly loves him very much, and respects him as well. Love is easy, respect is less so.

Respect will get you through times of no love much better than no love will get you through times of no respect.

Is a lot of this being worked out in pre-cana classes?

Respect will get you through times of no love much better than no love will get you through times of no respect

I assume the no in front of the second love is a typo. But even with that, I don’t find this to be true. Or really make any sense really.

There are certainly challenges you must deal with. And they may not be in just the moving to another country. Long distance, online meeting, moving, etc they all present challenges that you need to be unbiased and logical about.

 

[Deltadeliquent]

It was a typo!
OK, so maybe sometimes I try too hard…
But it makes sense to me.