Relationship with children of SO

[tcnh663]

My daughter has been living with a man for a couple of years. They have a child together and he has two children from a previous marriage. Our family is struggling with how much to treat the other kids as members of the family. Most of us don’t care for the father nor support the living arrangement. Should we allow our daughter to bring one of the boys to out of town family gatherings? Our concern is that we don’t want to give the impression of support to the arrangement or consider the boys as family until their is a marriage.

 

[BlueEyedLady]

My daughter has been living with a man for a couple of years. They have a child together and he has two children from a previous marriage. Our family is struggling with how much to treat the other kids as members of the family. Most of us don’t care for the father nor support the living arrangement. Should we allow our daughter to bring one of the boys to out of town family gatherings? Our concern is that we don’t want to give the impression of support to the arrangement or consider the boys as family until their is a marriage.

You want to make an innocent child feel excluded and like less than his siblings to make a point about how you feel about his father and your daughter’s living arrangement?

Quite frankly, if you’re heart is that closed off and cold, even to completely innocent children, then maybe you should do evening a favor and stay away from your bio grandkids too.

 

[tcnh663]

Although your tone is hostile, you have a point about the innocence of the child; hence my struggle with the right thing to do. We do have to take moral stands though.

 

[1ke]

Should we allow our daughter

“Allow”? Do you plan to have a bouncer at the door?

to bring one of the boys to out of town family gatherings?

She considers them family. She will bring them, I am sure. What is she going to do with children under her care? Leave them home alone?

Our concern is that we don’t want to give the impression of support to the arrangement or consider the boys as family until their is a marriage.

Then talk to your daughter directly about their living arrangements and make your position known. Don’t drag children into it and make the children feel unwelcome because of your issue with their parents.

You should welcome and treat this child as any other welcome guest in your home. You should make the child feel welcome. They have it rough enough, don’t hurt the children.

 

[InigoMontoya]

Although your tone is hostile, you have a point about the innocence of the child; hence my struggle with the right thing to do. We do have to take moral stands though.

Those children are innocent of your daughter’s choices. You’re not taking a moral stand by mistreating them and passing your anger towards your daughter in their direction, you’re just being cruel, cruel towards innocent children.

You and your family have been blessed with multiple children into your family. They’re in your family, regardless of your preference, by your daughter’s actions. If you chose, you could show them the warmth of God’s grace and compassion. You could shower them with love, affection, and spending time with them. You could bring them to Mass, you could bring them to charity endeavors, you could bring them to joyous and fun church activities. You could show them God’s plan for relationships and marriage and the moral compass, through actions with compassionate love. By abandoning them, treating them differently, directing your anger with your daughter towards them, or other things which are plain cruel… you’re not showing anything of that sort. By doing such, you simply harden their hearts towards you, your family, and potentially God and the church if they believe that’s the excuse you use for such cruel actions. They’re children, they don’t deserve that.

 

[slh3016]

“Allow”? Do you plan to have a bouncer at the door?

She considers them family. She will bring them, I am sure. What is she going to do with children under her care? Leave them home alone?

Then talk to your daughter directly about their living arrangements and make your position known. Don’t drag children into it and make the children feel unwelcome because of your issue with their parents.

You should welcome and treat this child as any other welcome guest in your home. You should make the child feel welcome. They have it rough enough, don’t hurt the children.

Great advice!

Honestly, what is more important? Your stance with your grown daughter (who most certainly knows what you think about it already so no need to prove a point) or being the best witness of Christ’s love in this child’s life?

 

[slh3016]

Those children are innocent of your daughter’s choices. You’re not taking a moral stand by mistreating them and passing your anger towards your daughter in their direction, you’re just being cruel, cruel towards innocent children.

You and your family have been blessed with multiple children into your family. They’re in your family, regardless of your preference, by your daughter’s actions. If you chose, you could show them the warmth of God’s grace and compassion. You could shower them with love, affection, and spending time with them. You could bring them to Mass, you could bring them to charity endeavors, you could bring them to joyous and fun church activities. You could show them God’s plan for relationships and marriage and the moral compass, through actions with compassionate love. By abandoning them, treating them differently, directing your anger with your daughter towards them, or other things which are plain cruel… you’re not showing anything of that sort. By doing such, you simply harden their hearts towards you, your family, and potentially God and the church if they believe that’s the excuse you use for such cruel actions. They’re children, they don’t deserve that.

Awww, you said what I meant so much more eloquently Absolutely, OP, this ^^^^^^ is what you should concern yourself with.

 

[tcnh663]

“Allow”? Do you plan to have a bouncer at the door?

She is asking permission. The event is out of town and they would travel with us. (just to clarify to previous question)

It certainly seems like I need to reconsider my stance based on the passion in these responses. I appreciate the advice all. You may have helped my not make a big mistake.

 

[QuestLove]

My daughter has been living with a man for a couple of years. They have a child together and he has two children from a previous marriage. Our family is struggling with how much to treat the other kids as members of the family. Most of us don’t care for the father nor support the living arrangement. Should we allow our daughter to bring one of the boys to out of town family gatherings? Our concern is that we don’t want to give the impression of support to the arrangement or consider the boys as family until their is a marriage.

So the plan is to exclude them until the children until the marriage and then make a show of welcoming them to the fold when the parents eventually marry? If you ever hope to have a relationship with these kids, ever, I would suggest you not do that.
I don’t know the ages of the kids but no matter what age you are it still hurts to be rejected. To have a sibling (or step-sibling) treated different than you hurts a whole lot. Stuff like this tends to breed resentment among kids.
I hope you are not already doing it. and if you are please stop. These kids are not responsible for the lives of the parents and you cannot hold them responsible for something they have no control over. What is rejecting supposed to achieve? Somehow I cannot see this as having the christian stamp of approval.
Personally, if I saw my parents doing this to children I would lose some respect for them.

you have a point about the innocence of the child; hence my struggle with the right thing to do. We do have to take moral stands though.

You know the right thing to do. The one committing a sin is your daughter and her partner, not you and not the children. How is excluding the children taking a moral stand?

 

[QuestLove]

Those children are innocent of your daughter’s choices. You’re not taking a moral stand by mistreating them and passing your anger towards your daughter in their direction, you’re just being cruel, cruel towards innocent children.

You and your family have been blessed with multiple children into your family. They’re in your family, regardless of your preference, by your daughter’s actions. If you chose, you could show them the warmth of God’s grace and compassion. You could shower them with love, affection, and spending time with them. You could bring them to Mass, you could bring them to charity endeavors, you could bring them to joyous and fun church activities. You could show them God’s plan for relationships and marriage and the moral compass, through actions with compassionate love. By abandoning them, treating them differently, directing your anger with your daughter towards them, or other things which are plain cruel… you’re not showing anything of that sort. By doing such, you simply harden their hearts towards you, your family, and potentially God and the church if they believe that’s the excuse you use for such cruel actions. They’re children, they don’t deserve that.

 

[slh3016]

“Allow”? Do you plan to have a bouncer at the door?

She is asking permission. The event is out of town and they would travel with us. (just to clarify to previous question)

It certainly seems like I need to reconsider my stance based on the passion in these responses. I appreciate the advice all. You may have helped my not make a big mistake.

I know a lady whose motto was “there are no steps in my family” when she referred to the children of her son-in-law by a previous marriage. What she meant was that she immediately accepted those children as her own grandchildren and treated them exactly the same (birthdays, Christmas, etc.). They called her “Grandma” just like the others! I thought that was a very loving gesture on the part of her and her husband. She said that she did not want to breed resentment among the children and that she wanted to be the best possible example to them all.

I understand that your daughter isn’t married to their dad yet anyway, but I think you could still take on this charitable attitude and although the situation is certainly far from ideal, you can consider yourself blessed to be able to interact with these children and be the best and most loving Christian they have ever known They will carry that with them the rest of their life.

 

[agnes_therese]

I understand how you feel about her living arrangement. But please please please, don’t take it out on a child. They need all the good examples they can get.