Relationship with family

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Humbly_Hopeful

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Please share any advice you may have about my family situation. I recently moved closer to my family and, though I hated leaving my friends and home, I was looking at the bright side of creating a better relationship with my family.

There are so many problems with my family and I that I don’t know where to start. I have been away from them for 11 years; since my conversion there is even more of a breakdown in our relationship. Now I am far away from my home, I am isolated and the only people I know are my family, who show no desire to get to know me as a person or as a daughter/sister.

I have asked my mom a few questions about her beliefs since I know she has some but it was a topic never discussed. All she says is that I need to respect her beliefs and there is no further discussion. I made it clear to apologize and that I was not at all trying to undermine her beliefs and that I wanted to get to know her better. Is this bad on my part?

When I am at their house my dad and I cannot be alone because he is mentally/emotionally abusive. I cannot be at their house for more than an hour without getting depressed and overcome with anxiety and a frantic desperation to leave. My sister has stopped all communication with me because I pointed out to her that she was judging me as our parents do. I don’t appreciate how my family treats me and I am respectfully establishing boundaries.

In the past my mom has told me she would completely understand if I did not want to have contact with the family. Not only did this statement come out of nowhere, but I have always made it a point to go to their house for holidays and weekends when they invite me - one semester of college I was driving to their house once a weekend every month (4 hr drive one way). They do not call, message or email me. One of my friends had a great family relationship and he called his parents daily, so I tried that. When I told my mom I was calling more to try and get to know them better she just told me I “must be lonely to do that.”

While with my family there are only two times I am engaged in a conversation: when my mom gossips about neighbors or other family drama, or when my dad asks loaded questions about Catholics - the usual pedophilia, wars, power, wealth. When I am close to making a valid point he just “raises his voice” (yells which, in turn, scares me).

This is very depressing because I am certain once I move away in the next few years, if I am so lucky, this will be the end of our relationship. I wanted so badly to show them love, to get to know them, to show them how I have changed, to share with them just a little bit of who I am, to see who they are and to improve our relationship. It’s not really a different story, just a different time in my life with them, only more severe because I spent all of my money to move near them.

Unless I initiate communication there is none. The scary thing is that one year they kicked me out during Thanksgiving (not the scary part) and during the time we didn’t talk is actually when my life improved (that is the scary part). This scares me because I’ve always wanted a family. I’ve always wanted to be a part of a family and how can I do that if my own family doesn’t want me?

Are there any specific prayers I should say? Any advice about how to be a good, faithful, Catholic daughter and sister? Am I being spoiled and/or selfish? I can’t tell if I am being selfish - if so, what can I change to not be selfish?

I apologize for the long post…
 
You tried. Honestly, I think that when you look back on your life, you’ll think it worth the investment to be able to look in the mirror and know that you didn’t fail out of lack of the courage or the willingness to try. It is too bad it didn’t work out, but it might have been a lot worse to never have known whether or not it could have been different. Still, I think it is most likely that any vanishing small chance you have of this working is to put distance in and pray for them. If they come around, it will be in their own good time. That’s a punishing time table if you spend all that time trying to push the matter. Don’t stay until the resentment starts to hound you.

Work hard, save your money, and move away soon. In the meantime, there is rarely a community so small that you can’t find a different social circle to move in. Who knows, maybe you’ll find a new Catholic home and new friends, and you won’t have to move, after all. That is a family, as many in our parish have found when they are stricken with some problem and far away from their blood relatives.

It is good to love your blood relatives and to care about them no matter what they are like, but it is also necessary for you to spend time loving those who also love you back. Limit the amount of time you spend with those who abuse you, whether they are related or not.

Here’s a prayer for you:

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.
–Reinhold Niebuhr
 
I am sorry that you are experiencing this from your family. Take this pain as your cross to bear, it wasn’t meant to be easy to be a Catholic.

Ask St Monica to pray for you. She prayed for her son, St Augustine for years while he roamed the world sowing his wild oats and partying. He eventually came to the Church. She also prayed for her husband and he also eventually converted to the the Church.

Intercessory Prayer to St. Monica

Dear St. Monica,
troubled wife and mother,
many sorrows pierced your heart during your lifetime.
Yet, you never despaired or lost faith.
With confidence, persistence, and profound faith,
you prayed daily for the conversion
of your beloved husband, Patricius,
and your beloved son, Augustine;
your prayers were answered.
Grant me that same fortitude, patience,
and trust in the Lord.
Intercede for me, dear St. Monica,
that God may favorably hear my plea for

(Make your request)

and grant me the grace to accept His Will in all things,
through Jesus Christ, our Lord,
in the unity of the Holy Spirit,
one God, forever and ever.

Amen.
 
If your father starts discussing the Church in those terms, respectfully say ‘I don’t want to discuss this topic, I will leave the room if you choose to continue.’

The other option is to just get up and leave the room, there is no need to explain yourself. Head to the toilet and then go outside or to your room. He’ll get the hint.

My mum used to leave the room once her friends started ‘gossiping’. She will just up and leave discretely or say ‘I have to go and just leave’ and drive away according to the situation. She has done it so many times, they eventually got the hint and now they don’t gossip if she is in the room.
 
You are trying to love your family – please try to be at peace with yourself for doing what is good. Remember that even Jesus was rejected by His own hometown folks (see Luke 4:16-30). Always pray for your family, and constantly work on forgiving them.

I’d like to suggest that you consider getting involved in your parish. At least attend any pancake breakfasts, and introduce yourself to parishioners.
 
I am terribly sorry you are going through this and I think you are a strong woman for coming to the faith with no family support. Having said that, I hope you understand that I will be speaking the truth in love, not to criticize you, but to point where IMO you went wrong.
Humbly_Hopeful said:
I recently moved closer to my family and, though I hated leaving my friends and home, I was looking at the bright side of creating a better relationship with my family. …
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It sounds like one day you just decided by yourself you wanted to be closer to your family
so you moved there without an invitation. Your family did not ask for that and might resent what is being put on them. There are a lot of family members I really like, but honestly, if they were to move to my town and expect that I change my life just because they showed up I would resent it
Humbly_Hopeful said:
I have asked my mom a few questions about her beliefs since I know she has some but it was a topic never discussed. All she says is that I need to respect her beliefs and there is no further discussion. I made it clear to apologize and that I was not at all trying to undermine her beliefs and that I wanted to get to know her better. Is this bad on my part? …
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There is nothing wrong with wanting to get to know someone. There is tons wrong for not respecting a boundary. If it was never discussed, in her mind that was a way of setting a boundary. On the other side there is nothing wrong with asking nicely once. Now that she set her boundary, it is up to you to be charitable and respect it
Humbly_Hopeful said:
I don’t appreciate how my family treats me and I am respectfully establishing boundaries…
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👍

My heart bleeds for you because I too wanted those things with a terribly emotionally abusive brother. I cut him out of my life 10 years ago. Sure it was hard but guess what, I am happy I did it.
 
Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with thee.

Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb Jesus.

Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death.

Amen.

†

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.

And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen.

†
 
Jesus said our enemies would be of our own household (and family).

St. Gemma Galgani (her biography is online) had to move away from her abusive and impious family and household and Jesus gave her a new and Godly family to live with.

Sure, love and pray for your family, but realize that your Faith separates you from them. Try to meet people in your parish and make a new family.
 
It seems to me that you may have overdone it. Daily phonecalls are a bit much, unless you already have an amazing relationship. Also, those weekend trips in college–that may have been too much.

I have a way better relationship with my family than you do, but the sad fact is that unless I call my parents, I’m not going to hear from them (unless they need something or need to change a schedule). Their not calling is part respect for my privacy, part “it’s always been like this” and part (I’m afraid) laziness on their part. When I’m feeling down, I fear that it’s also part not caring very much.

So, some of this is not unusual, even in a “normal” family. I think you’re going to need to calibrate very precisely how much time you should spend with then and how often you should call.
 
  1. No need to apologize for the long post. Seems like it is just right to me…Just enough detail to get an understanding…
  2. I don’t have any specific prayers…my personal view is to have a “conversation” with God on the matter. Ask Him for understanding, courage, patience etc…
  3. So far as I can tell, you have done a fine job of being a good daughter/sister or whatever. So just let it go at this point. As others have said, just try to accept things as they are and move forward.
Sometimes we want our family to be something different than it is. I could have wished my family were more “huggers” but they simply weren’t. Also - I could wish that we could have more reasoned discussions…but alas - too many of us are too quick to raise our voices and to talk over other people. Oh well - we are who we are…🤷

Just accept them for who they are and love them - even when they are driving you crazy. Prepare to move on with your own life but keep in touch in ways that are light and easy…Cards and letters are fun things to do…just quick little things - you know the kind…thinking of you type cards and such…
Of course the occasional phone call, visits at holidays and such are all good…but just relax and go with the flow as much as possible.

Hope this helps some…

Peace
James
 
EasterJoy, thank you & you make a good point that “if they come around, it will be in their own good time.” I will remember this and try to practice it.

SavingGrace, I will read about Saint Monica, I couldn’t imagine what her situation was like and how many prayers she said each day. I like the advice about your mom and practicing it with my dad. I don’t like it when he starts his claims about the Church, but I have no problem discussing his misconceptions. The part that hurts is that he refuses to listen to me when I try to address his claims. I did leave the last time he did this, but I requested his e-mail address so I could send him information on the claims he made– at that time it was that he wanted me to know the Catholic Church had a woman Pope. I sent him the information about the Popess we allegedly had. However, when I told him I would do the research to his claims, as I was leaving their house, he told me he didn’t really care about any of it.

Quiet, thank you for suggesting I get involved with my Parish. They are requesting more volunteers and there is always the Catholic family that needs us!

Angle, I understand what you write and thank you for being kind in your words. My moving near home has been a topic of conversation for years, especially from my dad. Since I graduated last year my parents have even gone to the lengths of offering me a room in their house. The last 6 months everything fell into place with me moving near them, but not in their house! I talked with them about what kind of expectations they had of me and that I didn’t feel comfortable living with them (though I appreciated the offer) but that I liked the idea of moving near them and working on our relationship even though I would miss my community. My mom agreed she would like for us to work on our relationship as well. Now I feel like an idiot for moving near them if this is how it will be. The only difference is that now I feel I made myself vulnerable. The most recent example is when I tried to tell my mom she was being controlling a few weeks ago about my volunteer work. She agreed that she is being controlling - she actually said, “Yes, I am being controlling, but…”, and then she justified her behavior by saying that I was being disrespectful of her because of my Pro-Life work. This is the last time we had any meaningful conversation and I just told her I would continue my volunteer work but not as much for now.

I can see how the questions about her beliefs made her uncomfortable and so she set boundaries – this was the first time I asked directly & personally for clarification about her beliefs. I guess my problem is that I wish she would share with me like how I want to share with her, but I have no problem respecting her boundaries. Maybe I was trying to ask questions about her that I wish she would take an interest in with me?! CAF is like a good therapy session. Also, I have no idea what my family’s religion is except pagan, or agnostic at best. We have never discussed this. All my life I thought my mom had Christian tendencies because she loved angels, but when I converted I found out it was the opposite and looking back I see it is more pagan beliefs than anything else. Thank you for pointing out that this was just her way of establishing boundaries regarding her beliefs. I am very sorry to hear about your brother.

Bsroufek, I have never heard of St. Galgani, but I will also read her story. All of these Catholic Saints are so inspiring, if I ever have children I can’t wait to teach them about our saints!

Xantippe, you are right that I may have overdone it. The daily phone calls lasted a month tops. When my mom said that I was just lonely I stopped. I just tried the phone calls out to change things up and try to do what I could to improve our relationship. It did not work! Also, when we had no contact for a long time, though my life improved and I actually started my RCIA classes and so forth, my sister told me mom was depressed from our lack of contact and so I called her. The weekend college trips were too much for me, but my dad always wanted me to come home for the weekends, so I was trying to extend myself for him but the costs were too great in fuel and in study time. My dad always asked when I was coming home, but this was before I was Catholic…Thank you for pointing out that this is not an abnormal pattern for family. It’s hard to know what is normal and what is not given my background, especially when trying to create a Christian family atmosphere since I have no experience in this. Reading these responses helps a lot.

Jrkh, thank you for the reassurance. I am thinking that the holiday cards is what the relationship will come to when I move away. That is the part that saddens me, especially if I ever do have a husband and babies.

Thank you all again for the advice and prayers, I am glad I found CAF. It looks like the biggest lesson for me is to practice Christ’s love by loving my family on their own terms and in their own time instead of having the kind of relationship I was hoping for.

What is the best way to continue to speak the truth out of love and charity? That I have to do or I can’t be around them. Should I stop praying before I eat at their house? We do not eat at the table together, it’s very relaxed and so I tell them thank you for the meal and I find my seat and say my meal prayers - not aloud, just silently. I saw my dad look at me and smile when I did this last time, but should I not do this at their house?

I do feel like a huge idiot for leaving my spiritual family… God Bless you all and CAF intentions are always in my prayers.
 
Humbly_Hopeful said:
…What is the best way to continue to speak the truth out of love and charity? That I have to do or I can’t be around them. Should I stop praying before I eat at their house? We do not eat at the table together, it’s very relaxed and so I tell them thank you for the meal and I find my seat and say my meal prayers - not aloud, just silently. I saw my dad look at me and smile when I did this last time, but should I not do this at their house?

I do feel like a huge idiot for leaving my spiritual family… God Bless you all and CAF intentions are always in my prayers.
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You are not an idiot. You had a good intention when you moved, and you shouldn’t regret your intention because it didn’t turn out as hoped. Mother Teresa has been quoted as saying, “God did not call me to be successful. God called me to be faithful.” Don’t think you’ve made a mistake simply because your efforts aren’t always crowned with success. Besides, who knows, maybe your efforts will bear fruit. Abraham didn’t see it. You may not see it. That doesn’t mean that the hoped-for effect will never come about.

Say your meal prayers as you have been. If you cannot come to a compromise for how you’ll all act around each other that you believe to be mutually respectful, then go ahead and take a time out from them. You have permission from your family; no one is going to blame you! Check in from time to time, especially if you move, but also just to see if everyone is doing OK. Otherwise, spend your special days with those who are special to you, even if that is not your family. It is OK, and you won’t be failing your family.
 
Glad we have been able to help…

Something you said above made me chuckle…You said
…The most recent example is when I tried to tell my mom she was being controlling a few weeks ago about my volunteer work. She agreed that she is being controlling - she actually said, “Yes, I am being controlling, but…”, and then she justified her behavior by saying that I was being disrespectful of her because of my Pro-Life work. This is the last time we had any meaningful conversation and I just told her I would continue my volunteer work but not as much for now.

I can see how the questions about her beliefs made her uncomfortable and so she set boundaries – this was the first time I asked directly & personally for clarification about her beliefs…
So when you ask her about her beliefs she shuts you down…but when you do something that violates her beliefs you are disrespecting her beliefs…:whacky:
I think that mom needs to understand that this is not acceptable. What you do with your time is your business. Respect is a two way street. You are more than willing to respect her beliefs (if you even know what they are) but you expect the same courtesy from her.
Of course - respect does not effect what you choose to do…If you are active in the pro-life movement, then continue to do so. You are an adult, you live on your own, you make your own choices. Her boundaries can only effect you in so far as what you and she discuss…not what you do, or how much time you devote to it. Don’t limit yourself based on her boundaries.

Peace
James
 
“However, when I told him I would do the research to his claims, as I was leaving their house, he told me he didn’t really care about any of it.”

Gah! That would kill me right there. He was just jerking your chain.

Here’s a possible reply. “It’s really great that you’re taking an interest in Catholic history.”
 
I finished reading your update. That’s so annoying! So when you’re away, they want you to be around more, but when you’re there, they’re rude and controlling. Based on your original post, I thought your attempts were all unilateral on your side.

I know recommending counseling is a bit of a cliche, but in your case, I think you really need a neutral 3rd party to tell you you’re not the one being crazy and to help you figure out a level of contact that is consistent with you leading a happy, productive and holy life.

With regard to your sister and complaints about you not calling, I think I’d tell her, “Mom has my phone number and my email.”
 
James, I am glad you could laugh at it! Reading it out how you put it is pretty funny. It’s a strange situation to learn to honor my parents as God commands (because I have no actively done this until a year or two before my conversion), yet also learning to establish my boundaries with family and knowing when their requests overextend to violate my stances taught by the Church. Your comment, “Don’t limit yourself based on her boundaries” really helps because I have a history of losing myself in relationships with people I love.
 
Xantippe said:
“However, when I told him I would do the research to his claims, as I was leaving their house, he told me he didn’t really care about any of it.”

Gah! That would kill me right there. He was just jerking your chain.

Here’s a possible reply. “It’s really great that you’re taking an interest in Catholic history.”
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I like this reply! I will try to remember it if it is needed in the future.
 
Xantippe said:
I finished reading your update. That’s so annoying! So when you’re away, they want you to be around more, but when you’re there, they’re rude and controlling. Based on your original post, I thought your attempts were all unilateral on your side.

I know recommending counseling is a bit of a cliche, but in your case, I think you really need a neutral 3rd party to tell you you’re not the one being crazy and to help you figure out a level of contact that is consistent with you leading a happy, productive and holy life.

With regard to your sister and complaints about you not calling, I think I’d tell her, “Mom has my phone number and my email.”
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It is a frustrating relationship; I was in counseling while at university but it might help if I find someone here. You are right that I need guidance on how to have a happy, productive and holy life and which level of contact with my family is appropriate.

I do want to clarify that my family is not bad! They are well-intentioned with good hearts as most of us are. When I moved here my mom gave me two potted plants as a gift & my dad invited me over for the 4th holiday, and regardless of the end result of his discussing Catholics and what is wrong with my faith, I should note that my oldest sister was not even invited over for the holiday. After writing this out with all here I see I am expecting too much from them. You guys saved me a good chunk of change! Thank you CAF family 😃
 
I think that you are really pretty healthy in your approach - it’s going to take time to build a different relationship with your folks. It sounds like everyone is going to be in a “learning curve” for quite some time. You and your parents both will need to learn what it means to have an “adult” relationship and that definitely means boundaries…but boundaries with respect and love.

It is pretty amazing how different things can look when one writes it out and reads it over and/or gets outside feedback.
His comment about not caring - that Xantippe commented on - can definitely come back to haunt him the next time he starts spouting…just ask if he doesn’t care about any of it, like he said, then why does he bring it up? It might be interesting to see how he responds…
I would suggest doing the research anyway so that the next time he DOES bring up negative things about the Church you can be ready with a reply. It may not help - but it will make you feel better.

Peace
James
 
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