Relationship with Father Ruined?

[AdriannaJean]

Hi All,

Just wondering what your take on the situation is. I’m a 20 year old woman and I’ve been living on my own, in a different city from my father for a year now. I’m not perfect, I could lose 10 pounds or so, but generally I’ve been found to be attractive and my self-esteem is good. My father and I have always had a fantastic relationship.

A month ago my father took me aside and told me that he was worried about my self-esteem and wanted my life to be easy and then proceeded to offer to pay for liposuction and any other plastic surgery I wanted.

I gave it a month to simmer, but recently I called my dad and told him that I was very upset with what he said and that if he wanted to raise my self-esteem he could have offered me kickboxing classes or something, but that I thought what he did was wrong, that he was falling for the lie that society tells us, that I didn’t want to be the kind of person who cared about that.

After a very heated conversation he made it apparent that he had given it months of thought and decided it was more important that I knew I had my “options” and it was worth the risk of potentially hurting my self esteem and/or our relationship. He apologized but made it clear that he was sorry that my feelings got hurt. He still in no way thinks what he did was wrong.

I told him that we can’t start making it better between us until he understands that what he did is wrong. He can’t just be like the child that cries because he got caught and isn’t actually upset that he did something that was bad.

I’m very hurt. The self-esteem I was fairly secure in has been shaken; I feel like for the first time my dad told me I wasn’t good enough.

Am I right? Is plastic surgery wrong (for someone who is perfectly fine, not a burn victim or anything)? How can I forgive him without making what he did seem ok, when he doesn’t think what he did was wrong?

 

[faithfully]

Any chance you’ve eluded to the changes you’d like to see in your body?

My parents have offered to pay for a tummy tuck. My stomach beyond destroyed from PG… and I’m no where near offended. They know that I suffer physically and emotionally from the changes in my body. They have offered one of many or partial solutions…

If you think your dad said this to you in malice that’s one thing. If you think he offered you a solution to a problem that he thinks you’re suffering from… Well, it may not be YOUR idea of a solution… but I would suspect that he did so to help his daughter, in any way that he could. He certainly can’t lose weight for you.

I’d also wonder just how solid the ol’ self esteem was if ONE comment can shatter it. That’s a lot of power for one conversation. Usually when I think shattered, I think of unrelenting teasing or something… Different defs. Maybe???

 

[Lutheranteach]

I would tell your dad “thanks for increasing the options” but the option I choose for now is to do nothing. I’m very happy. If that changes, I’ll let you know.

 

[AdriannaJean]

I guess I see something like a tummy tuck after pregnancy to be on a different level than offering liposuction to someone who leads a healthy lifestyle, has a healthy BMI etc. I didn’t really think I had any real problems to fix. And a comment coming from a parent is taken very differently than from someone who isn’t as trusted.

 

[monicatholic]

AJean,
plastic surgery isnt wrong, per se, but the philosophy behind it can be very stilted, disoredered. it sounds like you have a healthy self-view, amd i especially appreciate that if there was any changing you’d like to do, hard work is the way you’d like to go about it.

good for you.

as for dad, well, first: is this really a surprise? not the part about he thinking you’re less than perfect-- but the part about dad thinking that physical appearance is very important-- the part where dad values appearance so much he’d opt for a surgical solution to a non-problem?

in your heart of hearts, is that a surprise?

if it’s really a surprise, then you’re in a puzzle-- because dad is acting outside his typical self. and it’s hard to know what to make of things when a formerly kind and respectful person really surprises you with bad behavior or rudeness. forgiveness is required, but understanding is lacking.

but if it’s not a surprise, then really, what you have is an opportunity to forgive your dad for being himself. this time he just trained his disordered perspective on you.

either way, you said what you said. he knows you’re displeased. you can’t change his conscience in this. but you did give him truth. now, you’re bound to forgive him.

if he continues to be insulting, you can simply forgive hjim from a very long distance; i mean you arent required to be around someone who routinely insults you-- but you still are bound to forgive him.

 

[Julian0404]

Your fathers vision of you is not you. That is not your fault or concern. “…as we forgive those who trespass against us…” You have to let it go. Follow Lutherteachs advise and inform your dad, “you chose you”, but thanks anyway.

 

[faithfully]

I guess I see something like a tummy tuck after pregnancy to be on a different level than offering liposuction to someone who leads a healthy lifestyle, has a healthy BMI etc. I didn’t really think I had any real problems to fix. And a comment coming from a parent is taken very differently than from someone who isn’t as trusted.

Maybe… some women feel they have “earned” their stretch marks and sagging skin, and could not possibly care less, and will also be offended.

It’s odd to me that such a “fantastic relationship” could be Ruined by one misunderstanding. This doesn’t seem quite big enough.

 

[ThyKingdomCome]

After a very heated conversation he made it apparent that he had given it months of thought and decided it was more important that I knew I had my “options” and it was worth the risk of potentially hurting my self esteem and/or our relationship. He apologized but made it clear that he was sorry that my feelings got hurt. He still in no way thinks what he did was wrong.

This shows that he loves you. It is a very loving thing for a parent to do something for their child, or say something to their child, that they feel compelled by their conscience to say - even at the risk of hurting the relationship.

Granted, an offer to pay for liposuction is misguided, and it betrays the fact that your father has a distorted perception of what is “ideal” as well as a distorted value. I would be disappointed in my father for being so shallow. I would also be hurt, as I would by any comment, that someone thinks of me as needing plastic surgery.

So IMO, it is understandable that you are hurt, and that you want your father to tell you that he thinks you’re beautiful just the way you are - doesn’t every girl want her father to think that? But it would also be good for you to recognize that as wrong as the specifics of his suggestions are, they were made out of love for you. Don’t let this ruin your relationship.

Is he someone you can talk to? If so, let him know that you appreciate that he loves you enough to take the risk. But also let him know that you disagree and don’t need any more offers of plastic surgery. Maybe he’s the type who will respond well to the explanation of how important it is for girls to know their daddy thinks they’re beautiful and wonderful, and that even though you’re not a little girl anymore, he’s still your Daddy and that his suggestion hurts you more coming from him because it feels like he doesn’t think those things about you. He doesn’t have to change his views on liposuction to see that he should let you know he loves you.

If he’s not able to do that, then it doesn’t mean the relationship is ruined. It just means you can’t talk about this particular issue with him. You can just tell him that you agree to disagree, and then just but a boundary on that topic. The hurt that you feel will diminish. As you get older, there’s a good chance your parents will disappoint or hurt you again. It’s an unfortunate aspect of many adult child-parent relationships. It’s a matter of finding the balance between being close and respecting each others boundaries, and knowing what things you can bond over, and what things are best left out of your conversations.

 

[gmarie21]

AJean,
plastic surgery isnt wrong, per se, but the philosophy behind it can be very stilted, disoredered. it sounds like you have a healthy self-view, amd i especially appreciate that if there was any changing you’d like to do, hard work is the way you’d like to go about it.

good for you.

as for dad, well, first: is this really a surprise? not the part about he thinking you’re less than perfect-- but the part about dad thinking that physical appearance is very important-- the part where dad values appearance so much he’d opt for a surgical solution to a non-problem?

in your heart of hearts, is that a surprise?

if it’s really a surprise, then you’re in a puzzle-- because dad is acting outside his typical self. and it’s hard to know what to make of things when a formerly kind and respectful person really surprises you with bad behavior or rudeness. forgiveness is required, but understanding is lacking.

but if it’s not a surprise, then really, what you have is an opportunity to forgive your dad for being himself. this time he just trained his disordered perspective on you.

either way, you said what you said. he knows you’re displeased. you can’t change his conscience in this. but you did give him truth. now, you’re bound to forgive him.

if he continues to be insulting, you can simply forgive hjim from a very long distance; i mean you arent required to be around someone who routinely insults you-- but you still are bound to forgive him.

I would bet that this isn’t the first time Ajean’s dad has made underhanded or insulting comments, he just probably hid them better or said them in a way that Ajean felt guilty. I could be wrong, but most loving fathers would not say this if there was not a problem (and even being slightly overweight by 10 pounds isn’t a problem).

Ajean, look at your relationship. How many times have you said “no” to your father when he has suggested something? If never, that should be a clue. If you have and his reaction was that of a child, that should be a warning light.

I have a father who has narcissistic tendencies (a lot of them). He’s always been quite gracious (at least my mom thinks he’s been a good father to me, a terrible husband - no ex - to her, but good father to me) but when looking back at past actions and current actions I realize the only times he’s been kind is when I’ve done what he wants and haven’t stirred the pot. There are so many things that he has or hasn’t done that a normal father would.

The first time he ever told me I looked nice in my entire life was on my wedding day (and even then, I think it was because he felt obligated). He’s mentioned my weight two times in my life and yes, those comments hurt in a very deep way. Direct compliments never come from him. For the longest time I’ve tried to please him, tried to be understanding that he may have a difficult time expressing emotions, but now that he still tries it, and this time with my dd, I get mad. I never saw him for how immature he is with relationships until I said “no” to him when he’s wanted to take dd on vacation with he and my step-mom and not me. Heck, I’m due in a week and two weeks ago he asked to take my dd to a mini vacation next week (due date week), I said “no, she’s not ready” and he said that I wasn’t ready, then proceeded to hang up on me. I haven’t heard from him since. He wants the baby’s baptism to be scheduled a weekend he’ll be in the state for a football game (he lives 750 miles away). It’s really hard to fight the temptation to: A) not call him when my son is born; and B) to plan the baptism when there isn’t a football game nearby just to spite him.

Just look back and evaluate your life, you’ll know if this is out of character or just part of a pattern.

 

[gmarie21]

Am I right? Is plastic surgery wrong (for someone who is perfectly fine, not a burn victim or anything)? How can I forgive him without making what he did seem ok, when he doesn’t think what he did was wrong?

You forgive. Remember, to forgive doesn’t mean to condone. You let him know that it was not okay, that he was wrong, but even if he never apologized for anything, you’d still have to forgive. And remember, to forgive doesn’t mean you have to forget or allow this to happen again.

I watch children and when they do something wrong they have to say they are sorry and what they are sorry for. Usually the child on the receiving end of the apology says “that’s okay”. I try to correct them each time saying that “it’s not okay that so-and-so hit you, what you are suppose to say is ‘I forgive you’” There is a big difference between saying “that’s okay” and “I forgive you”.

On a slight side note, the local radio program here was talking about the fact that Canadians say “I’m sorry” too often when it isn’t needed and is out-of-place. I found that interesting (and they were talking about it for a while - the one Canadian native admitting that she says it quite often and the others agreeing that she overdoes it).

 

[purplesunshine]

I think your father probably had good intentions, especally if you’re like most women and complain about those extra 10 pounds. If you’re over at his house and saying “I can’t eat that I’m too fat” or things like, “I’m too fat to fit in that” or such you have to understand the male brain.

He may know that you don’t like excercize or that you don’t want to…or believes you wouldn’t like a gym membership. So, more than likely, he acted as a man acts…he found a soulution. Men get very frustrated by “woman speak” us saying we’re too fat, then basically telling men in our lives they’re stupid or lying when they say we look good. This nearly drove my brother and sis-in-law to separate. Finally, he put down his foot. IF she complained about her hair, weight, teeth, skin, and did not acknowlege his honest opinion then she HAD to do his suggestion…mostly things like look in a mirror and see she was pretty…I told this to a college friend and he took the tradition up with a girlfriend…forcing her to do mud masks when she complained about her skin. She was so grossed out she stopped complaining all the time.

If you TRUELY have a good relaitonship with your father than there is something more going on here. Either he is having a mild brain spazm or he is trying to respond to pressure you’re putting on him.

Remeber. Men FIX! That is in their manly nature…and reading the whole story, if the other part about your positive relationship is true, I think that that’s what’s going on here.

 

[cmscms]

Dear OP,

I am so sorry you had to go through this. My dad has made comments about my weight (don’t want to do into the whole story) and it is devasting. Especially since you don’t even need to loose weight.

I find it very odd that he is concerned a out your selfesteem when you live so far apart. What exactly caused his concern? I live far from my parents. If I am having a bad day when I see them, they automatically assume that is my daily life away and worry.

However, … And this is a big MAYBE. If your dad is anything like my dad, he can NOT stand that his little girl is now an independant adult. He has to come up with ways to ‘save his little princess’. In his mind he probably invented a problem you should have that he can fix so he can feel good about all the cash he shelled out on you. It makes him feel like a real man to take such good care of his little girl. Of course, this is just one possibility. Who knows what his real motive was.

Now, my dad also says he is sorry because he got caught not because he sees anything wrong with what he did. How much you choose to overlook that in your dad and associate with him or how much you choose to distance yourself from him is 100% your decision. However, I would pray for God’s guidance

CM

 

[PbloPicasso]

Many prayers for your dad…and you. This certainly is hurtful. If you were 100 pounds overweight the only thing that a parent should voice is health issues, not self-esteem. Self-esteem is so relative from generation to generation. a 100 years ago skinny women weren’t vogue. I come from a family where the men have unrealistic expectations. This distortion ruined all but one of the men in my family. That one is me. I’m an anomily in my immediate family because I fight the judgmental lies that Satan tries to tell me. My wife has gained around 30 or 40 pounds since our children were born. The last one made recovery even more difficult. The last baby really put pounds on her, which surprised me considering how little she started out in our marriage. But I still see my beautiful wife. I won’t allow those thoughts to enter in and take every chance there is to compliment her how beautiful she is to me. She is beautiful and deserves better than hurtful remarks that are absolutely unnecessary.

I’m sure your dad meant well, but men in our society are really being played by Hollywood and all the distortions about a woman’s look and how they ought to “fulfill” our every sexual desire. These are views that objectify women. Women should pray for their grandfathers, fathers, brothers, husbands, boyfriends and future husbands even before they know them. Men ought to do the same.

Don’t allow this to get between you and your father. You are very young and give him time to come to realize that what he said really was not necessary. Hopefully he was just trying to give you an options. Stay away from plastic surgery. It is a lie and really is not good for your body. Praying and fasting are good things in situations like this in my opinion.

 

[smswife]

My mother suggested to me recently that I get liposuction (didn’t offer to pay for it!) and maybe it will help you to read my take on this.

First of all, I know she did not mean this maliciously at all, and hopefully this is true for your father also. If so, then really neither of them really did anything wrong they just made a suggestion that wasn’t welcome. Especially as your father was offering financial help for something he may have thought you wanted, honestly he was actually being generous!

So I can understand why he won’t admit that he was wrong. From what you wrote here, I don’t see where he committed any sin.

That doesn’t mean that I don’t understand that you were angry. I was angry with my mother too for a little while. I was more upset that she thought an improvement in physical appearance was worth the risk and pain of surgery.

So, I suggest that you forgive your father for hurting your feelings (especially since it doesn’t seem that he meant to do that), apologize if you need to for anything you might have said in the subsequent conversation that was hurtful, and ask him to never mention the subject again.

Praying for you and him!

 

[cmscms]

So I can understand why he won’t admit that he was wrong. From what you wrote here, I don’t see where he committed any sin.

!

I agree his behaviour was NOT sinful. However, he did do something wrong. He refuse to take her feelings seriously. It appears he said ‘I am sorry I came out and said I think you are fat and have self esteem issue. I wish you never found out what I think in my head about you’

The OP deserve a father who will say ‘I am sorry, I got so caught up I forgot to look at it from your point of view’

CM

 

[Adeodatus]

How can I forgive him without making what he did seem ok, when he doesn’t think what he did was wrong?

Wait. He offered to buy you something you didn’t want and now you’re not sure if you can forgive him?

He offered to buy you something you didn’t want and your thread asks whether your relationship with him is ruined?

That is mind-boggling. There’s really nothing I can say about it that won’t get me banned.

 

[KostyaJMJ]

If that might ruin your relationship with your father I think that you need to develop a little thicker skin.

 

[shannyk]

Your father wants you to have SURGERY which could potentially put your life in danger due to anesthesia and infection potential, over TEN POUNDS?

You’re a better woman than I am because I wouldn’t be speaking to my father if I was you. How utterly disturbed. Of course you’re mad at him and I don’t’ blame you. A father shouldn’t even see 10 supposedly extra pounds on his daughter, much less find them problematic enough to suggest surgery. I don’t even know what to tell you, except that I’m sorry.