Relationship with Someone Who Has Been Abused?

[JamalChristophr]

Does anyone have any personal or expert knowledge about trying to build a relationship possibly leading to marriage with someone who got abused sexually as a child. It kind of seems like a distinct challenge, to say the least. This person has never had any sort of therapy for it either. Is it possible? Or extremely difficult? Should I not be taking it personally when walls seem to be coming up with the turn of every corner? Practical advice?

Thanks in advance.

 

[Xantippe]

I have no personal experience, but I have heard that this situation can lead to difficulties in marriage and with having a normal sexual relationship within marriage.

At a minimum, I would not continue with the relationship unless she is in therapy, going consistently, and making progress. If the relationship is headed toward marriage, dealing sensitively with her issues and their possible role in your future marriage will be important for building a successful relationship.

I do know for a fact that it is possible to have a successful spousal relationship despite a past sexual assault.

Good luck!

 

[Auntie_A]

It would be important to observe that person and see how they relate to others. I have met many people who have survived sexual abuse; some are promiscuous and out of control and others are in control more than most people.

It would be important that they got help or were presently getting help from a therapist. And it would be important not to rush a marriage. Some therapy can stir up a lot of things and a person may not be in the best emotional state to be a supportive spouse at that time.

There are grounds for annulment that relate to entering into marriage without fully being aware of the effects of child abuse on one or both of the parties. It is a terrible thing to live with, I have been told, and it can be like a wall to block emotional connection. Getting professional help can help break down that wall.

I would not discriminate, though. If someone had experienced abuse and was eager to gain progress in healing and recovery, they might be better candidates for marriage than someone else who is clueless to any effects of abuse. It certainly would depend upon the person, their behavior, character, and trustworthiness. And it would depend upon the other person understanding the weight of the problem.

True love conquers all, but be wise and careful.

 

[eva77]

It would be important to observe that person and see how they relate to others. I have met many people who have survived sexual abuse; some are promiscuous and out of control and others are in control more than most people.

It would be important that they got help or were presently getting help from a therapist. And it would be important not to rush a marriage. Some therapy can stir up a lot of things and a person may not be in the best emotional state to be a supportive spouse at that time.

There are grounds for annulment that relate to entering into marriage without fully being aware of the effects of child abuse on one or both of the parties. It is a terrible thing to live with, I have been told, and it can be like a wall to block emotional connection. Getting professional help can help break down that wall.

I would not discriminate, though. If someone had experienced abuse and was eager to gain progress in healing and recovery, they might be better candidates for marriage than someone else who is clueless to any effects of abuse. It certainly would depend upon the person, their behavior, character, and trustworthiness. And it would depend upon the other person understanding the weight of the problem.

True love conquers all, but be wise and careful.

Where i come from, there is virtually no access to a therapist…most times you give therapy to yourself,drawing from your relationship with your immediate or extended environment(this includes,family,friends,media etc.)…So agreed watch and learn,how does the person relate to others, agression as a form of defence? or reclusive?..extremely vivacious or painfully shy…Its a bit of a science, and you have to take your time to learn, each person has/needs a different approach…Above all, LOVE.true love, real and obvious, please and please,be sure you really love the person,because you are going to have to cope with a whole lot of …and yes, am speaking from experience.

 

[JamalChristophr]

Thankyou:

Xantippe, Eva, and Auntie A.

I do care for this person, but sometimes I get pretty impatient. And I know Corinthians says, “Love is patient and kind always…” It’s hard to be patient. I’m not very good at it. Anyways, the person is pushing me away.

 

[Xantippe]

Thankyou:

Xantippe, Eva, and Auntie A.

I do care for this person, but sometimes I get pretty impatient. And I know Corinthians says, “Love is patient and kind always…” It’s hard to be patient. I’m not very good at it. Anyways, the person is pushing me away.

Well, there’s your answer.

However, are you sure that the person is pushing you away? You might want to ask, “Are you breaking up with me?” and see what they say.

 

[chaplainmom]

As a survivor of abuse, both as a child of a mentally ill mother, and later as an adult with an extremely manipulative member of the Catholic clergy - who I should not have trusted - I can say that the abuse survivor has a very, very long path toward healing and learning to grow in trust. Professional psychological help through a “Focus on the Family” trained Christian counselor is the route that helped me the most.

Imagine adopting a dog that has been beaten repeatedly. Now add to the physical abuse a tremendous sense of human shame. If God has called you to love this person and offer them healing, try reading the scriptural the book of Hosea yourself. Hosea loved a prostitute who kept pushing him away. A child who is sexually abused feels the shame of a prostitute - even though it was not their fault. If you choose this life, you are likely to suffer like Hosea did.

You are in my prayers. If your loved one is willing to do the hard work of reaching out for professional help, I would take that as a sign from God that you are called to be an instrument of peace and healing. If they are not open to getting help, I would take that as a sign to walk away, leaving them in God’s hands.

 

[mdleagedguy]

My wife experienced abuse a child, and we’ve had a long and happy marriage. Do issues pop up? Of course, but it has never been an impediment. Every person is different, and there is a wide range in abusive situations. It depends on the person and the situation.

 

[mariemargaret]

This is something that will likely have effects in many areas of her personality. If you love her for who she is, completely aside from sexuality, then love her. Ask her to go to therapy with you to learn more about this, if she is hesitant to go. She should also go by herself.

She may be pushing you away if she feels pressured. Please assess where you see this relationship going. If it is not likely to come to marriage, do both of you a favor and move on. If you think it could go to marriage, then back off physically, and get into therapy. She will need a caring man and if you’re not that guy, get out.

Best of luck!

 

[Joie_de_Vivre]

It would be important to observe that person and see how they relate to others. I have met many people who have survived sexual abuse; some are promiscuous and out of control and others are in control more than most people.

It would be important that they got help or were presently getting help from a therapist. And it would be important not to rush a marriage. Some therapy can stir up a lot of things and a person may not be in the best emotional state to be a supportive spouse at that time.

There are grounds for annulment that relate to entering into marriage without fully being aware of the effects of child abuse on one or both of the parties. It is a terrible thing to live with, I have been told, and it can be like a wall to block emotional connection. Getting professional help can help break down that wall.

I would not discriminate, though. If someone had experienced abuse and was eager to gain progress in healing and recovery, they might be better candidates for marriage than someone else who is clueless to any effects of abuse. It certainly would depend upon the person, their behavior, character, and trustworthiness. And it would depend upon the other person understanding the weight of the problem.

True love conquers all, but be wise and careful.

Just because they look in control doesn’t mean they aren’t a mess inside, I know from experience.