relationship ?

[roseannn]

Is it necessary to feel “a connection” to someone in order to pursue a relationship? or does the attraction happen gradually?

 

[LaLucia]

Hi, I am also going through the same experience as you are. I plan to wait and see what happens between us. Presently, I just think he is a nice man and we have just starting dating eachother. I feel I have to wait and see because he does like me and is very interested in me. But… I don’t feel a closeness towards him. Only time will tell if I become attracted to him. If I don’t then I will know that at least I gave him a chance.

I know it would be much easier for me if I was attracted to him.
Nice men are hard to come by so I plan to give him a chance.
I prefer to rush into a relationship but this time I plan to take my time and hope it works out because he is a very nice man.
Plus, we have a lot of the same interests and values. We are close in age, live in the same city and are both Catholics.
I guess that is a beginning. I plan to be truthful with him if it doesn’t work out between us.

Can you give us more information so we can better advise you?

 

[roseannn]

Sure, thank you for the response.

I have been talking to him for a few months. We do have a lot in common and he is a very very good Catholic man, but the attraction is just not there. I started out like you, not so sure but he was very nice and fun and easy to talk to so I decided to give it a chance, but I feel as though I will be “leading him on” if i continue talking to him because I still do not feel any attraction.

Am I not giving it enough time or is it just not there? How long do you give it before you know if you should further pursue the relationship or end it? If needed, how should you end it?

p.s. I will pray for you and your situation along with mine

 

[February]

if i could give you some advice as someone who’s been on both sides of this…most recently the “opposite” side of you…

save him some heartache and pursue a friendship instead if he’s willing. talk to him about your feelings. he will most likely be hurt, but would be worse off in the long run if he continues to think it’s a “relationship”. if he’s still willing to be friends, see where it goes from there. if it is mean to be, it will work out.

 

[pumpkinbeast]

First: BE HONEST. You will save the both of you a ton of heartache and unpleasantness in the long run. So DO NOT hide how you are honestly feeling.

Second: every relationship is different. It’s hard to tell if/when you’ll develop any attraction to him, even if we were Best Friends Forever.

Third: PRAY. I mention this last, but it’s the most important. God already knows if this will be a good relationship for you to continue or not, so ask Him what He thinks.

 

[dulcissima]

For me attraction would be a definite must. What I do wonder though is, have you met him in person? The way you keep saying you have been “talking” to him makes me wonder if that is online. If that’s the case, you have no idea what the physical chemistry might be.

 

[RWMorris]

Give him a chance. If he makes you laugh and is kind and considerate, you mimght just see some sparks after a while. Usually sparks take a while to heat up. I would certainly give him some time rather than see if chemistry is there immediately.
I mentioned in another post that my DH is the perfect man and that we have had SPARKS for 22 years. It is true but it didn’t happen all at once. Probably about three months into the relationship I realized I was in love with him. So it doesn’t always happen at first.

 

[LaLucia]

My advise is to say to him that only God knows how long your friendship will last. Only God knows if it will be a lasting friendship or a more serious relationship.
Since he is a Catholic he will understand that God is part of our lives and only time will tell how far a friendship will last.

Since you have been talking to him for a few months and you are questioning your relationship… that means that you are questioning your own feelings towards him. I think that after a few months you already know in your heart if you are truly interested in him.
The next step is to say that you are only interested in being just friends. Plus, make the statement that you are planning to date other guys. If he is starting to bore you then it is time to cut down on the talking and spending time with him. Tell him you are busy doing other things which is true because you will be wanting to do other things instead of spending time with him or talking with him.

You have gotten clues that there are some things about him that you don’t care about and they could be things that are very important in you life.

As Catholics we have to be careful who we choose for a life-time relationship that can turn into marriage. We have to be absolutely sure he is the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with him.
After a few months you can tell whether a relationship is going to work out or not.

I have only dated my friend just this past week-end. We went out to dinner and then to the evening Mass. The next day we went to the movies and spent the afternoon together.
I am not really attracted to him because I don’t really know him. I feel I need more time with him in order to get to know him better.
He is very lonely and wants to meet someone to go out with and spend time together. I want to take it slow.

What is nice about being Catholic for me is to just say that I don’t know what my future holds because only God knows for sure.
I feel I have to give him a chance because I am the type of person that if there is something I don’t like about a guy I am ready to jump ship. I am a very particular person.

My advise to you is to pray to God for an answer to your question and to also look at the reasons why you have doubts in your mind and then make a decision.

You can’t marry a man just because he is nice. That could be a very boring life for you. So think about it.

 

[Sierrah]

Chemistry / Attraction is a funny thing. Recently I was very attracted to two different men. One who was very cute and fun to talk to and another one who was about as nerdy as you can get but was very smart and nice to talk to. So for me I guess good conversation and a person with something to say are the big factors that attract me more then anything. With both these guys the attraction was immediate and I actually like the nerdy guy better then the cute one. Thing is I don’t know if the attraction is mutual but I would love to at least have him as a friend. I have emailed him but I don’t think he’s really that interested in me seems like the story of my life but I would never consider pursuing a relationship with someone just because they were nice. For me there has to be some sort of chemistry there to make things take off. I’ve tried just dating guys because they were nice and no one else was around hoping something would happen but it never does except the guy gets hurt so I don’t take that plan of action anymore.

 

[bunnynessuk]

I think that friendship is the most important thing - my h2b is my best friend and I love him to pieces - he is the one person I can talk to about anything and who I can sit with in front of the tv for a good few hours and not say anything but still feel good!

I have seen him at his worst puking his guts up with gastric flu and still think that he is the guy I want to be with! Looks fade but friendship -(hopefully) lasts!!!

 

[duskyjewel]

It can grow out of friendship. Happened with me and my DH. We started out just being friends and on the Cross Country team at our high school together. It grew from there.

BUT you say you have been talking to this person for months. If that has been happening in person, and you have not developed any kind of physical attraction (I assume that is what you mean) to him, then it’s probably not going to happen. We knew only a few weeks into our friendship that it was going elsewhere. Funny thing… I didn’t think he was that great looking at first. (I was even actually chasing another guy at that point! I once confessed this to DH, and he just looked at me like I was being obtuse and said, “I knew that!” LOL) But over time, he turned into the sexiest guy on the planet. We’ve been married nearly 11 years, after being engaged for about 4, and we still can’t get enough of each other.

If you have been “talking to” this person online, then there has been no real chance for chemistry to develop. People think these are real relationships… It may be a good way to connect with people in order to meet them, but you have to actually MEET them and then interact with them in person to get to know them. I don’t know why they call it chemistry, either. That sounds so scientific, and honestly, it seems to have to rhyme or reason to it at all. I could be faced with the most physically beautiful man on earth, but if he is rude, or mean, or crude, I won’t find him attractive. (This has actually happened. Saw the cutest young Italian cop in Chicago… he really snapped my head around. Then he belched out loud and spit on the sidewalk. He immediately lost all attractiveness.) Now, I must add a caveat that I am a woman, and men will probably see this differently. The closest thing I have gotten to a comment from a guy about how personality or behavior affects attractiveness is, “Stupid women are boring,” from my DH, usually when I am apologizing for being difficult. (He seems to think my “difficultness” results from an oversupply of brains and backbone, and too much willingness to connect them to my mouth.)

Anyway, unless there is a reason not to, give this a little more time, maybe, but not a ton. If it hasn’t happened yet and doesn’t happen soon, it probably will never happen. That is, if you have been seeing him in person. If it’s online, then wait until you two are spending time together in person and see if it develops then.

 

[embertx2]

Is it necessary to feel “a connection” to someone in order to pursue a relationship? or does the attraction happen gradually?

My experience was that I was not physically attracted but thought I felt a connection and that was not enough. It did not work out.

 

[Huiou_Theou]

Hi Roseann,

I am a man, and have been through quite a bit on the long term issues of marriage.
And I have also been trying to evaluate what is and isn’t important between men and women and why, both to understand what “went wrong” in the past and how to “go forward in the future”. with my wife.

Physical attraction is what men generally think of first when you say “attracted” at first – but there is quite a difference between what most women I have talked to say about that phrase vs. what men say. So, I can see some things “from the outside” so to speak, that might be of help here in imagining the future problems / solutions which might be of importance.

I have met Catholic couples who were in arranged marriages – eg: who had the right of refusal, but not the right of choice of potential partners. Strangely, against what I would expect – even on the basis of non-“attraction” these marriages do work out – when the couple REALLY has things in common, similar interests, etc. In fact the closer they are that way – the better — but the long-term issues center around communication, respect, honor, and conflict resolution.

So the first thing I would like to ask, if I might, is what exactly do you mean ( especially if setting “sexual” feelings aside for a moment). What does it mean that you do not “feel” attracted to him?

Is your questioning because when you see his physical appearance you don’t find yourself pulled like a magnet to him ( eg: even without physical intimacy, just that you don’t even feel like you two LOOK like a set together?)

Or do you mean that in the physical way, eg: that although it might be great to be seen with him, you don’t have an interest in physical touch?

The reason I ask, is that this distinction has very much to do with mismatched expectations between people – and very easily one idea can be confused (misinterpreted) with the other when translating from men to women – and even though this seems like a small point, it can lead to huge misunderstandings later.

Some silly examples, does he not open car doors for you, or put his hand in the small of your back / curl his arm in a gentlemanly way for you to take – or does he do these things and yet it makes you feel childish or something?
Are you expecting the “Fabio” body to just sweep you away – and he doesn’t have it?
Or is it more along the lines of how he listens to you, or fails to do so – that perhaps he tries too hard to solve problems, and somehow is just feels mechanical or something. ( I am trying to be general, but with specific examples I can imagine).

If there was absolutely no spark at all (of any kind), I can’t imagine you would be going out with him – unless you feel like you have no other “choices” – so I am wondering more about what your expectations are.

God bless you, and you will be in my prayers tonight.

 

[chevalier]

Don’t cross him out just because you don’t get the sparks immediately, but don’t pretend that things are more than they are, either. Better be honest and perhaps even be open.

As for connection and attraction, they are two different things. With my last ex there was may more connection than attraction and attraction factored probably only because connection was there (connection was attractive, too). To some other girls, I’ve been attracted, but haven’t felt much connection with (and attraction doesn’t really connect people).

At this stage of life, attraction doesn’t come easy to me and it doesn’t get things far, either. I’ll sooner recognise a girl as attractive than feel attracted to her and even if I feel attracted, it won’t usually get things anywhere. As for connection, it’s deficit goods. I mostly feel a hopeless lack of it. It does prevent me from asking out even some quite quite attractive girls.