Relationships and sex

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zarek

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Hello. I have something I would like to discuss. Its something that has been bothering me for a while now, and a friend of mine made it infinitely worse last night.

First, I should say a little about my self. I am 23. Male. Already graduated college, has a full time job, and living on his own. I recently moved to a new city so I don’t know many people here. Never had a relationship. Oh, and Im also don’t like categorizing myself as catholic. For the most part, I gave that up a few years ago (another issue I don’t want to talk about). However, I attend the YA groups in my college a lot. And have tried to get involved here also. I also have been diagnosed with clinical depression, which has been getting worse actually.

Ill summarize the problem the best I can first. But keep in mind, this is all a mess in my head. So ill do my best to make it clear. Long story short, I want to wait until Im married to have sex. And I would greatly prefer the girl to wait also.

I should also explain why I want to wait… I want to wait because I would prefer to give myself to just one girl. If I have had multiple partners, and then end up getting married, I would feel guilty because my wife would not have been the only one to have me. Id feel like those other partners of mine would have a piece of my that my wife couldn’t… Plus, I don’t want to build a strong emotioinal attachment to my first partner for the rest of myself. And id like it to be reciprocated on my wifes side.

However, this has been bothering me for a number of reasons.
  1. Theres the whole, “I want to but I don’t want to” thing. That im pretty sure most people feel. Itd be fun to do, but after the fact, it wouldn’t be a bad consequence for me. In fact, incredibly bad. I have been getting some pressure from a few of my friends (mostly girls, as most of my friends are girls), that I should just “get it over with.” Cause I could see why that could help (if I was skilled enough to just sleep with a girl just like that anyways). However, just based on my own personality, along with my depression, having sex before marriage would be terrible. I would feel unimaginabley guilty that I had sex. I would feel guilty because I would feel bad that a potential wife wouldn’t have me for herself. I would feel ashamed that I couldn’t stick to my principles.
  2. The fact that I havnt had sex at 23 (even though most of me wants to wait) is unimaginably embarrassing for a guy. And I am sure a lot of guys out there can attest to that. I mean, most people lose their virginity at 17. There are kids out there more experience that me. In fact, I think the stats are somewhere at around 90% of people losing their virginity by 23. It makes me so insecure about it.
  3. Becaues of the fact that most people have been having sex there are less girls who are chaste. This means that there are less girls out there for me to date. Now I know that people are going to say that I should judge a girl by whether or not she has had sex. And I understand that. And I don’t. Most of my female friends have. But for me to date someone who has had sex… I feel like it would be difficult. I would be jealous of her partner(s). I would be embarrassed of my lack of relations. I would be afraid that she would want to seduce me.
  4. This one is strange for me. I have a lot of female friends. And it bothers me that thye have had sex. And please don’t get annoyed with me for saying that. I mean, I know these girls. And I never think of them as having sexual sides. And it just bothers me. I don’t know why. (And I am sorry if that sounds sexist. I don’t mean it to).
  5. Recently, I had a friend who got pregnant after dating someone for only 3 months. This blows my mind. First of all, lots of people have sex only a FEW DAYS after dating! I can tbeleive that. I cant imagine that happening. Even if I was willing, I would have to wait a few months first… But most people give it a few days… My friend (who I cant imagine ever doing it to beging with), is now engaged and is happy. But still…
  6. And about my friend last night… I texted her asking her to hang out. She responded in the most inappropriate, excplicit way. Like she was taunting me.First, I should say she is a good friend. I can talk to her about lots of things. But she is extremely sexually active So, I texted her, and she said (im paraphrasing) “ill text u bad, im about to have sex”. (Now she said this using some pretty vile language. I don’t want to use it here, cause I think this post might get taken down if I do). I responded saying ‘I don’t need to here this right now. Im having a bad week and I want to talk to u.” And then she said “I know. Im just want you to imagine it, and itll give u some motiviate to find someone”. At this point I started getting mad. I don’t want to go into detail about what I said, cause its not really important. But then she responded, “well I hope this helps u feel better” and she sent a lewd picture (not of her). Now, im pretty sure the girl was aroused out of her mind when she was texting me. But everything about the situation just exacerbating all the problems ive listed above.
  7. And I feel like there is more, but I am not able to think anymore.
I would appreciate some of yall’s thoughts. And I greatly appreciate the effort you took to reading this. Espiecally cause of the length and all my spelling mistakes. I also appreciate the responses I get from the community at catholic forums.
 
zarek said:
Hello. I have something I would like to discuss. Its something that has been bothering me for a while now, and a friend of mine made it infinitely worse last night.

First, I should say a little about my self. I am 23. Male. Already graduated college, has a full time job, and living on his own. I recently moved to a new city so I don’t know many people here. Never had a relationship. Oh, and Im also don’t like categorizing myself as catholic. For the most part, I gave that up a few years ago (another issue I don’t want to talk about). However, I attend the YA groups in my college a lot. And have tried to get involved here also. I also have been diagnosed with clinical depression, which has been getting worse actually.

Ill summarize the problem the best I can first. But keep in mind, this is all a mess in my head. So ill do my best to make it clear. Long story short, I want to wait until Im married to have sex. And I would greatly prefer the girl to wait also.

I should also explain why I want to wait… I want to wait because I would prefer to give myself to just one girl. If I have had multiple partners, and then end up getting married, I would feel guilty because my wife would not have been the only one to have me. Id feel like those other partners of mine would have a piece of my that my wife couldn’t… Plus, I don’t want to build a strong emotioinal attachment to my first partner for the rest of myself. And id like it to be reciprocated on my wifes side.

However, this has been bothering me for a number of reasons.
  1. Theres the whole, “I want to but I don’t want to” thing. That im pretty sure most people feel. Itd be fun to do, but after the fact, it wouldn’t be a bad consequence for me. In fact, incredibly bad. I have been getting some pressure from a few of my friends (mostly girls, as most of my friends are girls), that I should just “get it over with.” Cause I could see why that could help (if I was skilled enough to just sleep with a girl just like that anyways). However, just based on my own personality, along with my depression, having sex before marriage would be terrible. I would feel unimaginabley guilty that I had sex. I would feel guilty because I would feel bad that a potential wife wouldn’t have me for herself. I would feel ashamed that I couldn’t stick to my principles.
  2. The fact that I havnt had sex at 23 (even though most of me wants to wait) is unimaginably embarrassing for a guy. And I am sure a lot of guys out there can attest to that. I mean, most people lose their virginity at 17. There are kids out there more experience that me. In fact, I think the stats are somewhere at around 90% of people losing their virginity by 23. It makes me so insecure about it.
  3. Becaues of the fact that most people have been having sex there are less girls who are chaste. This means that there are less girls out there for me to date. Now I know that people are going to say that I should judge a girl by whether or not she has had sex. And I understand that. And I don’t. Most of my female friends have. But for me to date someone who has had sex… I feel like it would be difficult. I would be jealous of her partner(s). I would be embarrassed of my lack of relations. I would be afraid that she would want to seduce me.
  4. This one is strange for me. I have a lot of female friends. And it bothers me that thye have had sex. And please don’t get annoyed with me for saying that. I mean, I know these girls. And I never think of them as having sexual sides. And it just bothers me. I don’t know why. (And I am sorry if that sounds sexist. I don’t mean it to).
  5. Recently, I had a friend who got pregnant after dating someone for only 3 months. This blows my mind. First of all, lots of people have sex only a FEW DAYS after dating! I can tbeleive that. I cant imagine that happening. Even if I was willing, I would have to wait a few months first… But most people give it a few days… My friend (who I cant imagine ever doing it to beging with), is now engaged and is happy. But still…
  6. And about my friend last night… I texted her asking her to hang out. She responded in the most inappropriate, excplicit way. Like she was taunting me.First, I should say she is a good friend. I can talk to her about lots of things. But she is extremely sexually active So, I texted her, and she said (im paraphrasing) “ill text u bad, im about to have sex”. (Now she said this using some pretty vile language. I don’t want to use it here, cause I think this post might get taken down if I do). I responded saying ‘I don’t need to here this right now. Im having a bad week and I want to talk to u.” And then she said “I know. Im just want you to imagine it, and itll give u some motiviate to find someone”. At this point I started getting mad. I don’t want to go into detail about what I said, cause its not really important. But then she responded, “well I hope this helps u feel better” and she sent a lewd picture (not of her). Now, im pretty sure the girl was aroused out of her mind when she was texting me. But everything about the situation just exacerbating all the problems ive listed above.
  7. And I feel like there is more, but I am not able to think anymore.
I would appreciate some of yall’s thoughts. And I greatly appreciate the effort you took to reading this. Espiecally cause of the length and all my spelling mistakes. I also appreciate the responses I get from the community at catholic forums.
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Believe it or not, your reaction to the norms of this world and your reticence about having sex before marriage is normal, in tune with human nature IOW, and quite precious for its being less and less valued-even disdained by this world. Impulses for sex are normal too, but not at all at odds with waiting. You are being guided by the Spirit and reason-don’t compromise that gift if you’re able to stand firm.
 
Totally aside from the morality and all that, your friends seem to be totally disrespectful of you and your decisions. Their consciences must be very bothered by your witness to chastity!

Suppose you decided not to eat meat. Would they text you about eating bacon and suggest you dine at the local steakhouse? No, they would admire you for what you are doing.

I see you are “not categorizing” yourself as Catholic these days, and that’s too bad because the spiritual practices and information would probably help you a lot on this path.

Kudos to you!!! You are going to make someone a wonderful husband.
 
Your squimishness at the way some people choose to conduct themselves sexually is normal. Please don’t think otherwise. It may be true that a higher percentage of people have had a sexual encounter at 23, but I highly doubt it’s as high as you think and even if it is, having had some sort of sexual experience is not the same thing as engaging in the lifestyle your friends seem to be in. Also, I think you should attempt to find new friends in your new town. I don’t think any of the people you describe sound like good friends to me. They sound somewhat broken and very disrespectful toward you as a person.
 
Sounds like your friend was drunk at the time of the texts. I’m pretty sure she regrets sending them.
 
Zarek

Stay on the path of holiness and purity because God desires the sexual act to be shown the respect it so rightfully deserves.

Pray for your friends who are living a sinful life that Our Lord Jesus would show them the True Beauty of Chastity by your example.
 
I imagine a certain amount of lying goes on relative to “every male has sex by 17.”

It should not be a matter for embarassment for you, unless your friend group is one for whom talking about sex is a major deal. If it is, you need to find new friends. Sex should not be a conversational topic in that manner, any more than any other body function.

It is admirable to preserve your purity for your future spouse. You need friends who will affirm your choices, not burn on you for choosing differently than them.

ICXC NIKA
 
Some friends are like leaves in the wind. They will waft away on the currant breezes. You need a new friend who is isn’t subject to her own barometer. Go back to church and find someone who has your values. Se is out there-waiting for you.
 
If sex is supposed to be all about love. And it’s expression. Your ‘friends’ should just sit a moment and think how crass that sounds. How really petty. For them to taunt you about not sharing your deepest. And most profound. And loving act. With everyone you meet. As though you were a wind chime. And them the breeze just passing through. I mean what are profound meanings for? What are deeper purposes? What are important things about? If they get flaunted. And overused. I mean who uses their good china for everyday breakfast? Who wears a tuxedo to play football? Save some things. For their intended purpose. For the single thing they are most useful at doing.

Because sex is about making people. It’s not a game to play. It’s not a flavor to try. It’s not something a guy practices to get good enough at. It’s a profound. Deep. Meaningful. One on one. Final frontier. An activity saved for the absolute best situation. So that the next generation gets to have a stable upbringing. And a loving mom and dad. Sex is not child’s play. It’s not a sport.

So roll with the idiocy of your ‘friends’. Don’t give into the pressure of your ‘peers’. Because while they’re screwing around. And swapping diseases. And lowering the viability of their future kids. You. ARE. Doing. The. Right. Thing. The noblest. Humblest. Most kind. And thoughtful. Thing. Possible.

Now flaunt that. Right back at them. Shallow types that they are.

Peace Zarek. Stay strong. Don’t let the sloping basins fool you. They’re choosing to run uphill. That’s their problem.

-Trident
 
I agree that those friends telling you to get over it are being disrespectful to you. Sincerely those are not true friends and they don’t deserve you. Any woman that thinks that you “needs to get over it” does not deserve you so I think you should change your friends.

You should not being embarrassed. You should be proud of yourself because you have values and strong convictions and you have lived to them. Yes there may be a majority of people having sex since teenage years but…if everybody is taking drugs are you going to take drugs too just because is what the majority no? Of course not. Stand your ground and keep on because you are on the right path. If anyone puts you down because your remain chaste the problem is that person not you.

Finally, as to finding girls to date, there are many girls out there who believe in chastity. What happens is that those girls are more shy and not very outspoken between other reasons because they are afraid too or because their nature is more reserved or because they are dedicating themselves to more.important things instead of being in the hook up culture. Look for those girls in the right places and I am sire you will find them
 
I’m praying for you to meet new friends, and for your depression to abate. The best bet is to make lots of friends, both female and male then learn how to relate without being superior. I have no idea how you will ascertain if a woman you are interested in is a virgin or not. Thank goodness, we don’t walk around with a scarlet V on our foreheads! If the virginity requirement is a roadblock to you, then you probably are not ready for a relationship. :rolleyes:
 
St_Francis said:
Totally aside from the morality and all that, your friends seem to be totally disrespectful of you and your decisions. Their consciences must be very bothered by your witness to chastity!

Suppose you decided not to eat meat. Would they text you about eating bacon and suggest you dine at the local steakhouse? No, they would admire you for what you are doing.

I see you are “not categorizing” yourself as Catholic these days, and that’s too bad because the spiritual practices and information would probably help you a lot on this path.

Kudos to you!!! You are going to make someone a wonderful husband.
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Thank you. I appreciate the words. But I doubt they are bothered by me. Sex isnt something that seems to make them uncomfortable or inscure. As one of them said, “sex is a normal part of human life.” The problem is, it is not normal to me. It makes me insecure.
 
Allegra said:
Your squimishness at the way some people choose to conduct themselves sexually is normal. Please don’t think otherwise. It may be true that a higher percentage of people have had a sexual encounter at 23, but I highly doubt it’s as high as you think and even if it is, having had some sort of sexual experience is not the same thing as engaging in the lifestyle your friends seem to be in. Also, I think you should attempt to find new friends in your new town. I don’t think any of the people you describe sound like good friends to me. They sound somewhat broken and very disrespectful toward you as a person.
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Ive never had much luck making friends. At least close friends. The girl that I had a problem with last night, she is one of the ONLY people who has ever sent me a message just to ask how I was doing (without me sending one first). And that always means a lot to me.

Plus, i dont know how to make friends. My YA group at church is not really filled with people in their young 20s. They are all around 30 and married
 
Blessedwithfive said:
Sounds like your friend was drunk at the time of the texts. I’m pretty sure she regrets sending them.
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Lol. That is a good point. I realy felt she wasnt in the right mindset. Either because she was just too aroused or drunk. She texted me today and said that it wasnt her and someone else was using her phone… but i really find that hard to beleive. Shes done things like that before.
 
GEddie said:
I imagine a certain amount of lying goes on relative to “every male has sex by 17.”

It should not be a matter for embarassment for you, unless your friend group is one for whom talking about sex is a major deal. If it is, you need to find new friends. Sex should not be a conversational topic in that manner, any more than any other body function.

It is admirable to preserve your purity for your future spouse. You need friends who will affirm your choices, not burn on you for choosing differently than them.

ICXC NIKA
Click to expand...
Good point about lying. But it doesnt bother me too much about what other guys do or think about about. Its the girls that I am more embarrassed with.

ANd I honestly do not have a big friend group. Just a few here and there. She is defietly the most sexually open though. It wouldnt be that horrible if she had just watched what she said…
 
Mary_Estelle said:
Some friends are like leaves in the wind. They will waft away on the currant breezes. You need a new friend who is isn’t subject to her own barometer. Go back to church and find someone who has your values. Se is out there-waiting for you.
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Ive tried going back to church. But I hate it. I get so angry just being there. The most I am capable of doing is sitting at church (in the outside area, not in the pews) while mass is going on, and play on my phone or something.

Long story short… the first time i ever cut myself was in a church…
 
Trident_H said:
If sex is supposed to be all about love. And it’s expression. Your ‘friends’ should just sit a moment and think how crass that sounds. How really petty. For them to taunt you about not sharing your deepest. And most profound. And loving act. With everyone you meet. As though you were a wind chime. And them the breeze just passing through. I mean what are profound meanings for? What are deeper purposes? What are important things about? If they get flaunted. And overused. I mean who uses their good china for everyday breakfast? Who wears a tuxedo to play football? Save some things. For their intended purpose. For the single thing they are most useful at doing.

Because sex is about making people. It’s not a game to play. It’s not a flavor to try. It’s not something a guy practices to get good enough at. It’s a profound. Deep. Meaningful. One on one. Final frontier. An activity saved for the absolute best situation. So that the next generation gets to have a stable upbringing. And a loving mom and dad. Sex is not child’s play. It’s not a sport.

So roll with the idiocy of your ‘friends’. Don’t give into the pressure of your ‘peers’. Because while they’re screwing around. And swapping diseases. And lowering the viability of their future kids. You. ARE. Doing. The. Right. Thing. The noblest. Humblest. Most kind. And thoughtful. Thing. Possible.

Now flaunt that. Right back at them. Shallow types that they are.

Peace Zarek. Stay strong. Don’t let the sloping basins fool you. They’re choosing to run uphill. That’s their problem.

-Trident
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Thank you for those words. And I agree with you for about 90% of this. While sex is something I want to do till Im married, its not like I dont wish i couldnt do it while i have a gf. In fact, one thing i forgot to mention above is that i feel that if i wait to have sex when im older, itll be a lot grosser cause we’ll be well… older. So thats another thing. I feel that by waiting, im missing out .

=And secondly… I understand your point. But i cant judge people for not being chaste. I dont want to look down on people who do those things. As long as its not hurting them or others (emotionall or physically), its not my business to judge
 
marymary1975 said:
I agree that those friends telling you to get over it are being disrespectful to you. Sincerely those are not true friends and they don’t deserve you. Any woman that thinks that you “needs to get over it” does not deserve you so I think you should change your friends.

You should not being embarrassed. You should be proud of yourself because you have values and strong convictions and you have lived to them. Yes there may be a majority of people having sex since teenage years but…if everybody is taking drugs are you going to take drugs too just because is what the majority no? Of course not. Stand your ground and keep on because you are on the right path. If anyone puts you down because your remain chaste the problem is that person not you.

Finally, as to finding girls to date, there are many girls out there who believe in chastity. What happens is that those girls are more shy and not very outspoken between other reasons because they are afraid too or because their nature is more reserved or because they are dedicating themselves to more.important things instead of being in the hook up culture. Look for those girls in the right places and I am sire you will find them
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Finding friends has never been easy. Ive tried. I mean, i can make aquantences. In my old job, everyone there loved me. I visited them recently, and they all said how much they missed me. But I can never make actual friends. The friend who pissed me off above actual made an innitiative to be my friend. Thats never hapened before. She will even ask me how i am doing without me initiating a conversation. Only one other person has done that. Ever. Its not easy to make friends for me.

The drug thing doesnt really apply to me. I have never done drugs. And i will never do drugs because no part of me wants to. at all. Sex is different. Of course i would like to do that (from a physical POV). But when I think it out, its not a good decision on my part. To be honest, if i had sex before i got married, with a girl i would not be marrying, it could be very very dangerous(due to depression and stuff)’

You described the type of girl that I would love. Ive come close a few times with having a gf like that. In fact, if come closer the last few times. The last girl liked me (i saw her todya actually. we had ice cream), but she wasnt ready for dating .
 
kozlosap said:
I’m praying for you to meet new friends, and for your depression to abate. The best bet is to make lots of friends, both female and male then learn how to relate without being superior. I have no idea how you will ascertain if a woman you are interested in is a virgin or not. Thank goodness, we don’t walk around with a scarlet V on our foreheads! If the virginity requirement is a roadblock to you, then you probably are not ready for a relationship. :rolleyes:
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Thank you. Ive been trying.

I dont have many male friends actually. Girls are always easier.

And in terms of figuring out if a girl is a virgin or not… I dont really do that. I tend to be attracted to the type of girl who hasnt had sex anyways (without me knowing for a fact that she has or has nto). If that makes sense. And I have been told off multiple times that I shouldnt discount a potential girlfirned for having sex (and i understand and will absolteuly try), But itll be hard. But one thing at a time. I dont even have a palce to meet girls…
 
First of all, I have great concerns about someone with a mental illness having sex for the first time outside of marriage, especially with the way you are being pressured. Having sex looks easy on TV or in porn, but it really can have effects.

Sure, there’s getting the girl pregnant and disease (believe me, the contraception deal is overblown as people don’t always use it. And how many people do you know who know how to use contraception other than a condom? I do need to point that contraception is usually a grave matter), but there’s also the emotional effects. It sounds like if you had sex with one of these friends, they would just discard you after a time.

This is not a pleasant feeling when the relationship is over.

And there’s that whole thing about consensual sex outside of marriage being a grave matter.

Which leads me to my second point—I think you need to find new, Catholic friends, or least friends who are consistent with your values and will mind their own business in terms of pressuring you to have sex. I think you really need to ask yourself if your relationship with God can even prosper or exist in this kind of environment.

I will say that if your friends are the same age as you, that these actions are quite immature and believe me, they aren’t doing you any favors by trying to get you laid. You should not be seen or thought of as a “do-good” service project. This is not helping you, and they don’t see it. They see your problem as not having sex, when the problem is their thinking on sex.

I’m worried that you will cave in and do this. I think it’s only a matter of time before you meet someone willing, and it could be one of these “friends” under the right circumstances.
 
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