Relationships, Annulments, Suffering, Next Steps

[pmankow]

I have been dating a non-denominational girl for a while now. The relationship is holy. A month ago she told me that she was ‘married’ via justice of the peace about 7 years ago to a guy she new for about 8 months. They married so that they could move in together- something to do with military housing. She never had a church marriage. Immediately her ‘husband’ started to physically abuse her. He told her that he was planning on doing it all along and that the reason he married her, a Christian girl who did not believe in divorce, is because he wanted a slave. That she would not be able to leave him. She eventually escaped after a year, never had kids- which she avoided intentionally…

Flash forward to now. She tells me this and I am floored. I realize that this girl who I can’t believe I am dating (I’m 37, not first rodeo) may now be someone I can’t see. My world is shattered. However, I realize what she said about the marriage and I know a little about annulments and this, if everything is as it sounds, would be grounds for one- the guy entering into the marriage for the sake of obtaining a ‘slave’. So, I decide to talk to a priest and continue to see her. If things ever get to the point of marriage the priest said that we should seek an annulment.

She asked what the Catholic church’s position on divorce is since this had happened to her in her past. She said that if she had a daughter and the daughter got caught up in such a relationship (physical abuse) that she would want her to be able to get out of it and find someone who does love her. (She says she doesn’t believe that God would want to ‘punish’ the girl by keeping her in an abusive marriage.) I ended up putting together some links in an email to the Catechism, a website explaining what an annulment is and isn’t, and some other useful information. A week and a half later (we were apart for the holidays) we meet and talk and she says she agrees with what she read, that marriage is indissoluble, there is civil divorce, etc… Everything was fine for a while then.

Yesterday she broke up with me out of the blue. She says that she cannot agree that the Catholic Church and priest are infallible (in regards to trusting an annulment tribunal to make the right decision). She also went onto other things less related like clergy abuse scandal, etc…

I think there are other things at play here. I think that from her traumatic experience that she always wants control and a safe exit available. I think that maybe she is scared of another serious relationship and is using the ‘daughter hypothetical’ as a straw man to keep herself from truly committing.

The heartbreaking part for me is that everything else is great in the relationship, we both love God and want to do his will. However, there is this division of faith between Catholics and non-Catholics and even though we ultimately want the same thing- to an extent or as a matter of faith, we understand the way there to be different. In other words, regardless of who is right or wrong, we are ‘speaking different languages’.

 

[pmankow]

cont’d… I wouldn’t want my daughter to be stuck in an abusive relationship either but I do understand, through faith and my own sufferings, that God is ultimately in charge. Yes, you may have to live the rest of your life single and not be able to remarry. I wish that she could understand this. This is what breaks my heart.

I think the pain also comes from some confusion I have. I don’t understand how I got here. I didn’t want to date a non-Catholic because of the complexities of raising children. However, I made a very prayerful exception this time and at first everything seemed to be fine (as fine as can be) until she told me about that abusive relationship. Why did God put someone so beautiful in my life only to have the rug pulled out from under me after falling for them? Why am I 37 and have had a few great past relationships fail? If my vocation is to be a father (and I discerned the priesthood in the seminary) then why the failures?

The answer to these questions is the same as my answer to her, ‘you have to trust God’. But how do we know we are doing right? How do I know I am doing his will? How can I have a relationship with God? I just want him to give me a hint as to if I am doing right. I don’t want to be suffering and having my heart broken needlessly.

What do I do next? Do I just let her go or try to talk things through in a few days? This goes back to knowing God’s will. Do I just think that our relationship was the result of my choices and there is no further significance? Or, do I fight for her (within reason) because why else would God allow someone so beautiful into my life? Why would he let her have my heart?

 

[Irishmom2]

I am sorry for this situation.

I think for the time being, just leave her alone and give her some space.

If she truly does not trust what the priest says she will never be happy. And nothing you can say is going to change that. You can’t change yourself into something you are not.

I know it hurts to think she might not be the one you marry, but you can’t carry the marriage on your own. And you can’t force her into something she doesn’t believe. If she did something only for you but didn’t believe it herself, it wouldn’t work. It would always be between you.

Keep praying for God’s will for your life. And give it some time.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

I am sorry that your relationship hit some big rocks in the road. In all honesty, it sounds like this lady has a bunch of baggage because of her past. It doesn’t sound like her feelings for you are enough to get her past these issues she has.

As for why God would allow someone beautiful into our lives that we can’t have, that happens constantly. Many of us have had the experience of falling in love with someone who we ultimately couldn’t get married to. It hurts, but it just means God has another plan.

I agree with Irishmom that I think it would be best if you just let it alone. If the girl decides you are worth it, she’ll come back on her own. If she doesn’t come back then it just wasn’t meant to be. I fear if you go chasing after her, it’s going to end up in a “me or the Church” ultimatum coming from her, and that’s not a good basis for a relationship, especially with somebody who has past baggage.

 

[Legend]

Just to clarify…

The church never requires anyone to stay with an abusive spouse! In fact, physical abuse, especially, should be given zero tolerance! She did the right thing, separating and divorcing that man who wanted a ‘slave’.

I can’t see an annulment tribunal turning her down. Possibly, she would not even need an annulment, since she married outside the church.

As to your relationship, I’d give her space, and wait. Finding out about this marriage may have been God’s way of getting you out of a serious mistake!

 

[Tis_Bearself]

The church never requires anyone to stay with an abusive spouse! In fact, physical abuse, especially, should be given zero tolerance! She did the right thing, separating and divorcing that man who wanted a ‘slave’.

Yes, this is correct, and she would have a good chance at an annulment. The fact that she doesn’t want to hear that and instead keeps harping about her potential daughter perhaps getting into an abusive situation and then brings up the clergy sex abuse scandal sounds to me like she just got cold feet on making a lifelong commitment and looked for an excuse to get out.

 

[pmankow]

Thank you everyone for the replies. It really helps to have people say what you know is right deep in your heart but keep second guessing. You just want to do right in situations like this because you love the person and want to do the best thing- whether that be to fix the relationship or to move on and start yourself healing. This helps to get out of the manic problem solving mode that I’ve been in for the past 24 hrs.

Also, these responses help with my loneliness. I don’t have any friends to talk to or see that aren’t 1000+ miles away so I’m carrying this alone. This girl was my only friend in this area.

Please pray for us.

 

[Horton]

I can’t see an annulment tribunal turning her down. Possibly, she would not even need an annulment, since she married outside the church.

Everyone with a prior marriage must submit a petition to the tribunal. They will decide what the next step is. For the first step it doesn’t matter where, in what church, not in a church, who is baptized and who is not to submit a petition. One MUST submit it to the Church for further determination.

I’m not saying all prior marriages need an annulment, but all must be submitted to determine what is needed.

 

[VanitasVanitatum]

I wouldn’t want my daughter to be stuck in an abusive relationship either but I do understand

There can be a physical separation.

 

[1ke]

Why did God put someone so beautiful in my life only to have the rug pulled out from under me after falling for them?

God didn’t decide to date her. You did. God didn’t “put” her in your life in the way you are implying. We have free will. We meet people all the time. We decide. You said, “I don’t date non Catholics, but I’m going to pursue her anyway.”

Why am I 37 and have had a few great past relationships fail?

Maybe you need a third party to talk to, like your priest or a counselor. Maybe there is something in your past prohibiting you from choosing partners who can commit. Maybe your picker is broken— mine was, for years. Maybe you have something that is sending a red flag to the women that ultimately makes them call it off.

Do I just let her go

Yes. She’s seriously damaged, not free to marry, not Catholic, and frankly I don’t see putting a lot of effort into a sinking relationship as being worthwhile. Maybe someone more compatible has been available and this other relationship has sucked all your time and attention.

Do I just think that our relationship was the result of my choices and there is no further significance?

You should. Because it is.

Or, do I fight for her (within reason) because why else would God allow someone so beautiful into my life? Why would he let her have my heart?

YOU let her have your heart.

 

[1ke]

I can’t see an annulment tribunal turning her down.

Well, we can’t say that. We don’t know the facts, only what the OP relays that she’s said. We don’t know what witnesses will say. We don’t know enough to tell someone a decree of nullity will be forthcoming.

Possibly, she would not even need an annulment, since she married outside the church.

She’s not a Catholic. Non Catholics marry validly when they marry civilly.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Why did God put someone so beautiful in my life only to have the rug pulled out from under me after falling for them?

This is what jumps out to you. We meet people every day. We can ask any one of them on a date, and then feel those romancy sparks and allow our selves to love them. This doe not mean “God put them in our lives”. We do not believe in soul mates or that there is only one person for everyone.

You choose to date a non-Catholic, you choose to give her your heart. You knew that non-Catholic Christians may not have the same beliefs as Catholics about marriage, and you chose to fall in love anyway. Don’t blame God for these circumstances.

My advice, encourage her to get some counseling for the trauma, pray for her and let her find a nice non-denominational man to marry.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

We meet people every day. We can ask any one of them on a date, and then feel those romancy sparks and allow our selves to love them. This doe not mean “God put them in our lives”.

I don’t see the statement of God putting someone in our lives as meaning he put them there for a soul mate.

God puts people in our lives every day. I don’t see it as far-fetched that God allows certain people to come into our lives so we can learn from each other, help each other, or do something else for each other such as one person prays for the other, before both people move on. Obviously, people have free will and can choose to act against God’s will in some way, for instance by committing a sin involving the other person rather than acting in a spiritually beneficial way.

In the case of my husband, I actually believe God put him in my life and kept putting him there over and over until knuckleheaded me got the message. I’m kinda slow like that sometimes.

 

[TheLittleLady]

In the case of my husband, I actually believe God put him in my life and kept putting him there over and over until knuckleheaded me got the message. I’m kinda slow like that sometimes.

I understand what you are saying.

From our OP I was getting the “soul mate” vibe.

 

[Lara]

Your girlfriend has a problem with the Church’s authority.

Also, she doesn’t face issues head on but evaporates. I will tell you, I enjoy many friendships with non-Catholic women, but their main fault is not being able to deal with issues. They will always drop you if things get hairy. And it’s worse when you date, as you’re finding out.

Also, I doubt this is all out of the blue. It’s just that it takes some time for everything to come to the fore.

Make friends with the feeling of loneliness for a few weeks and then think about dating a Catholic woman. This is one of those cases of can’t go around the loneliness, can’t go over or under it, you’ve got to go through it.

 

[OnlyULord]

I recently came back to my faith after many years apart from it. In that time away I married a non catholic divorced woman and an annulment for her previous marriage was needed for me to return fully. Though our situation is different I can tell you that, if you want to pursue this, the annulment process will take the person seeking it back through some tough times in their life. Is that something you are ready for? More importantly, is that something she is ready for? You said prayer got you to a point where you were comfortable with the idea of a non catholic girl as a potential wife. I hope your prayers continue. I would not have made it without devotion to the rosary and the divine mercy chaplet. Words from the chaplet come to me now about how you have explained your feelings: “…increase Your mercy in us, so that in difficult moments we might not despair, nor become despondent…”

Don’t give up hope!

 

[pmankow]

Thank you.

 

[PennyinCanada]

You said that God brought this beautiful person into your life. By choosing to pursue and date this lovely person, the message that you gave God is that you are willing to put your Catholic faith to the side. You found this woman attractive, so your faith took second place. Now that all this information has come forward, you can see the risk you took on. It’s not on God’s shoulders, it’s your choices. It’s a tough place to be in now.

Many times relationships and dating have people spending a big amount of time and effort and heart ache trying to make a square peg fit a round hole.

 

[pmankow]

I disagree with this. At no point did I put God or my faith to the side. If I did I we could still be together because I would have just not have cared about the previous marriage or divorce, or other matters of Catholicism. However, as these things were of the most importance to me I did not cave in and it ended in the end of our relationship.

 

[Irishmom2]

By choosing to pursue and date this lovely person, the message that you gave God is that you are willing to put your Catholic faith to the side. You found this woman attractive, so your faith took second place.

I don’t understand how you understand this to be what has happened from what the OP wrote. Perhaps you did not read all of the thread?