Relatives promblems

[Ejperchenough]

my husband and I have had some very hard times. Our situation is very different (I don’t want to go into that, but I’m a convert, no contact with my family, etc.). Now the problem is not the hard times. We have had all sorts of things to deal with. And we did, through Jesus and with Jesus. There’s always been deliverance. And we see these times as a test of faith and love, no problem.

The sufferings become harder to deal with when my husbands family gets informed. Then the hardship is not so much what we are going through then, say financial troubles, but them. We don’t expect them to help us, but we do expect them to not make it worse. And that’s precisely what happens. They do something where then we are suffering more with what they did than the actual trouble. It’s what the say, “if you can’t do good, don’t do bad”. Here they do.

The reason they do get informed is because they behave changed during our good times. This convinces my husband, naturally, more than me. Also we would like them to be a part of our lives, so we keep giving them chances. But there is too much suffering. And the answers we get are " sorry, didn’t mean to, didn’t occur to me…"

We are looking for prayers and also an explanation to them, which they can understand, the reason why we’d like to not have a close relationship.

Thanks

Ps: typing from phone, excuse the mistakes.

 

[Xantippe]

my husband and I have had some very hard times. Our situation is very different (I don’t want to go into that, but I’m a convert, no contact with my family, etc.). Now the problem is not the hard times. We have had all sorts of things to deal with. And we did, through Jesus and with Jesus. There’s always been deliverance. And we see these times as a test of faith and love, no problem.

The sufferings become harder to deal with when my husbands family gets informed. Then the hardship is not so much what we are going through then, say financial troubles, but them. We don’t expect them to help us, but we do expect them to not make it worse. And that’s precisely what happens. They do something where then we are suffering more with what they did than the actual trouble. It’s what the say, “if you can’t do good, don’t do bad”. Here they do.

The reason they do get informed is because they behave changed during our good times. This convinces my husband, naturally, more than me. Also we would like them to be a part of our lives, so we keep giving them chances. But there is too much suffering. And the answers we get are " sorry, didn’t mean to, didn’t occur to me…"

We are looking for prayers and also an explanation to them, which they can understand, the reason why we’d like to not have a close relationship.

Thanks

Ps: typing from phone, excuse the mistakes.

I don’t think you need to explain anything. Just be slower in communicating bad news. They don’t need to be the first, or the second, or the third, to know stuff.

 

[EasterJoy]

…the answers we get are " sorry, didn’t mean to, didn’t occur to me…"

It is hard to say, because you’re being a bit vague.

One way to look at this is that you tell them not because you think they’ll help, but because they are family and it strengthens your relationship with them to keep them up on your lives before you tell everyone else.

This will free you in three ways I can think of: First, you’ll expect the ham-handed response and be pleasantly surprised when they’re actually gracious in their efforts to be gracious, rather than continuing to be disappointed when they only achieve their former level of helpfulness. Second, being merciful and generous as a choice has a way of mellowing you. It is easier to be both serene and thankful for the mercies of God when you deliberately practice mercy yourself. You can pray, “Lord, if this is how my obliviousness to you offends you, thank you for being so merciful and keeping me in your family. They say they mean well; it seems reasonable to believe them. I don’t know how you do it, but I’m glad you do and I’ll try to be like you out of gratitude.” Thirdly, if you’re not afraid to lose their support and didn’t expect they’d be perceptive about your feelings in the first place, you can be more matter-of-fact in your feedback about what did and didn’t work. If they get into a temporary snit about it, you can take it.

This is very different if you come to think their apologies are not genuine or their blunders are not actually accidental. That’s gaslighting and covert aggression. Don’t stick around for that. In that case, you’re just a near occasion for sin for them and a masochist yourself. Don’t tell them if it really isn’t important to them to hear about your trials, either. If they don’t want to be in your circle of support, it is no sin on your part to leave them out or to reserve news of a trial until it is overcome. Families don’t have to operate in some certain way to still be families. They can be free to choose a way that actually works for the people in the family.

 

[Graceful_Lamb]

Since you are adults and living your own lives as a married couple, I don’t see why your family needs to know about any hardships that you may have. Perhaps it isn’t meant to be to be close to his family. If his family makes it worse, then don’t tell them these things.

I tell my family what I want to tell them. Sometimes I have told them things and other times not. If I tell my mom something on the phone that we are doing/going to do, it becomes the main conversation piece. So, I choose not to bring up stuff until I know for sure we are or aren’t doing X.

 

[EasterJoy]

Since you are adults and living your own lives as a married couple, I don’t see why your family needs to know about any hardships that you may have. Perhaps it isn’t meant to be to be close to his family. If his family makes it worse, then don’t tell them these things.

I tell my family what I want to tell them. Sometimes I have told them things and other times not. If I tell my mom something on the phone that we are doing/going to do, it becomes the main conversation piece. So, I choose not to bring up stuff until I know for sure we are or aren’t doing X.

There are many families who are very close who still have a zone of privacy about certain things, particularly if no help or advice is wanted.

 

[Ejperchenough]

I don’t think you need to explain anything. Just be slower in communicating bad news. They don’t need to be the first, or the second, or the third, to know stuff.

Thank you for your reply. No matter how late we tell them, something always happens. Maybe it’s better to say when it’s over?

 

[Ejperchenough]

…the answers we get are " sorry, didn’t mean to, didn’t occur to me…"

It is hard to say, because you’re being a bit vague.

One way to look at this is that you tell them not because you think they’ll help, but because they are family and it strengthens your relationship with them to keep them up on your lives before you tell everyone else.

This will free you in three ways I can think of: First, you’ll expect the ham-handed response and be pleasantly surprised when they’re actually gracious in their efforts to be gracious, rather than continuing to be disappointed when they only achieve their former level of helpfulness. Second, being merciful and generous as a choice has a way of mellowing you. It is easier to be both serene and thankful for the mercies of God when you deliberately practice mercy yourself. You can pray, “Lord, if this is how my obliviousness to you offends you, thank you for being so merciful and keeping me in your family. They say they mean well; it seems reasonable to believe them. I don’t know how you do it, but I’m glad you do and I’ll try to be like you out of gratitude.” Thirdly, if you’re not afraid to lose their support and didn’t expect they’d be perceptive about your feelings in the first place, you can be more matter-of-fact in your feedback about what did and didn’t work. If they get into a temporary snit about it, you can take it.

This is very different if you come to think their apologies are not genuine or their blunders are not actually accidental. That’s gaslighting and covert aggression. Don’t stick around for that. In that case, you’re just a near occasion for sin for them and a masochist yourself. Don’t tell them if it really isn’t important to them to hear about your trials, either. If they don’t want to be in your circle of support, it is no sin on your part to leave them out or to reserve news of a trial until it is overcome. Families don’t have to operate in some certain way to still be families. They can be free to choose a way that actually works for the people in the family.

Thanks for your reply. No we don’t tell them because we need their help, but to inform them of what’s going on our side, and usually late. I do think their apologies are genuine but I also feel some people just can’t help making matters worse or maybe aren’t blessed with the gift of foresight, thoughtfulness… I don’t know , but it seems we ought not to say anything at all.