Relatives who use contraception: What to do? (Advices)

  • Thread starter Thread starter Ana_v
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
A

Ana_v

Guest
I very sincerely seek some advice from people on CAF who have/know of family members who use contraception (whether this is second hand knowledge or first hand knowledge) and how you approach this issue. Particularly in those cases in which you are not, friendship wise, very close to the person, but nevertheless have some kind of communication with them even if irregular/ see them every now and then or at least can practically go to see them (regardless of how often or not this is actually one).

My credibility is diminished by the fact that I am young, (20), am not married and do not have children. For me to approach the contraception issue with a relative who is Catholic, married, and with children, and currently pregnant (it having happened while on contraception), and having related sicknesses, can be very difficult.

I imagine facing such thins as " None of your business" or " You don’t know what it’s like to have children, etc".

To be clear, no, I am not intending to go up to the person and start spontaneously rebuking. I am just hoping that in time, an opportunity to address contraception will come up. For example, if at a family gathering, someone asks her " Are you going to have more kids?" Surely something like this will come up. I don’t know if that is the time to intervene. In one sense, it would be great in that you can witness to multiple people. On the other-hand, if all of those multiple people are pro-contraception, the backlash will probably difficult to handle effectively. Whereas if it’s one-to-one discussion, this is more manageable.

But … I do know that sometimes our silence can be interpreted as assent. I do not want this to happen. I also know we must be prudent. I also know we much lead people to the truth.

Please, if you could share your experiences … thank you.
 
I would say that you need to offer your opinion in such a way as you know it will be received well. If you do so in a way that you know will be badly rejected, then there’s very little profit in deliberately provoking the argument as to do so will probably entrench their views.

When we witness to the truth, we need to pick our moment wisely. Sometimes it’s the right thing to do to ‘martyr’ oneself but usually only when the person who martyrs you isn’t the only audience. If by giving your opinion and causing an argument someone entirely else profits, then there would be merit in it.

So don’t go looking for a fight, but be prepared to educate people about your beliefs if they ask, and in a way that will nourish them, not drive them away.
 
How much you want to bet the husband gets sterilized before another pregnancy happens?
I appreciate that you are planning a strategy on approaching this subject with hostile family members. Have you talked about Natural Family Planning? Have you looked into it yourself, and can you let them know what you’ve found out? The angle of ‘this is what I’ve been looking into’ is a gentle way of proceeding rather than telling them that they should look into it. Less confrontational, and likely more effective. Good luck. lol
 
Ana_v said:
I very sincerely seek some advice from people on CAF who have/know of family members who use contraception (whether this is second hand knowledge or first hand knowledge) and how you approach this issue. Particularly in those cases in which you are not, friendship wise, very close to the person, but nevertheless have some kind of communication with them even if irregular/ see them every now and then or at least can practically go to see them (regardless of how often or not this is actually one).

My credibility is diminished by the fact that I am young, (20), am not married and do not have children. For me to approach the contraception issue with a relative who is Catholic, married, and with children, and currently pregnant (it having happened while on contraception), and having related sicknesses, can be very difficult.

I imagine facing such thins as " None of your business" or " You don’t know what it’s like to have children, etc".

To be clear, no, I am not intending to go up to the person and start spontaneously rebuking. I am just hoping that in time, an opportunity to address contraception will come up. For example, if at a family gathering, someone asks her " Are you going to have more kids?" Surely something like this will come up. I don’t know if that is the time to intervene. In one sense, it would be great in that you can witness to multiple people. On the other-hand, if all of those multiple people are pro-contraception, the backlash will probably difficult to handle effectively. Whereas if it’s one-to-one discussion, this is more manageable.

But … I do know that sometimes our silence can be interpreted as assent. I do not want this to happen. I also know we must be prudent. I also know we much lead people to the truth.

Please, if you could share your experiences … thank you.
Click to expand...
My sincere advice is to stay away from the issue. This is a highly personal subject of concern only to the couple involved. It is none of your business.
No matter how good your intentions may be, your commenting on this issue to the couple can only cause hate and discontent. It is a good way to destroy any familial feelings amongst you and yours.
There is such a thing as being right and wrong at the same time.
 
PennyinCanada said:
How much you want to bet the husband gets sterilized before another pregnancy happens?
Click to expand...
Her dad recommended to her husband that he get a vasectomy… I know this because he (her dad) told me on the way home from Mass yesterday, it’s also yesterday he made the off the cuff comment about her having been “on birth control” when she became pregnant.

I was horrified. I wondered if he realized his advice is contrary to Catholic teaching, given that he wants to be fully initiated into the Catholic Church (he is only baptized). I tried to explain, but did not say

" You can’t become Catholic and support this" because I am not sure if the timing is right. He has a long way to go catechetically … What I did try to explain is that the Church’s teaching is not solely doctrine, it is based upon the natural moral law, but since the Church is just about the only one defending it these days, people perceive it as though the teaching against contraception is made up by the Church and only binds Catholics.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
My sincere advice is to stay away from the issue. This is a highly personal subject of concern only to the couple involved. It is none of your business.
No matter how good your intentions may be, your commenting on this issue to the couple can only cause hate and discontent. It is a good way to destroy any familial feelings amongst you and yours.
There is such a thing as being right and wrong at the same time.
Click to expand...
👍

Pray for them: but this is between them and God. You will not achieve anything good by stepping into a husband and wife’s bedroom.
 
George_Stegmeir said:
My sincere advice is to stay away from the issue. This is a highly personal subject of concern only to the couple involved. It is none of your business.
Click to expand...
I understand the sensitive nature of the subject. But I am grieved, so many souls in danger. (Also, see my previous threads about admonishing the sinner duty).

Allow me to explain why I feel conflicted:

-We are living in a time in which faithful Catholics are upset that there is a severe lack of preaching against the evil of contraception amongst priests and bishops.

-We are called to a New Evangelization.
  • The laity is hesitant to address this difficult topic with family, friends, neighbor out of fear of controversy and division, and making enemies.
  • So the laity is hesitant, and the leadership is hesitant – to call out contraception for what it is. They both want to employ roundabout ways of addressing it. But if SOMEONE doesn’t tell it how it is, who will? We complain about people receiving Holy Communion while in a state of grave sin. But maybe they don’t know it is grave sin … so we go in circles.
  • Clearly the real possibility of making enemies should not in-and-of-itself hold us back, for we are called to suffer like Christ, and be willing to endure hatred toward us for His sake. And then there’s the Scripture verse about him coming to set family members against eachother. …
  • Yet we do not want to be guilty of pushing them farther from the faith rather than bringing them closer
I have to accept a prayer that I saw on an online poster – paraphrased it said " Lord, do not make my situation easier. Just give me the strength to face it."

I am honestly grieved by the sin, and by how incompetent I feel to bring people into Christ’s fold. God help me!
 
I am 65 and my husband and I used birth control. I have come to realize “why” it was wrong. I would like to be able to explain to my children but it is not MY place.

The best we can do is introduce them to books about Pope John Paul II’s “Theology of the Body”.

The OP sounds like an extremely well intentioned young man and and you also are faced with this problem but there is a great danger that you could do more harm.

I have been reading biographies about Pope John Paul II. “Witness to Hope” by Weigle is an excellent book. I encourage my children to read about Blessed John Paul II. And I encourage everyone to study his life and his teachings.

Because it was through his teachings that I came to realize the evil of contraception, it is my hope that I can encourage my children to find out for themselves the evil of contraception, through his writings and his teachings.
 
Here is my advice
1st. Stay out of their personal lives unless a situation comes up and they ask you for advice.

2nd. Become a witness and live by example. Let me see you as a shining catholic who understands church teaching.

My wife and I use ABC long time ago, it was hard to justify stopping because everyone said it was ok to use. You even hear the same lame jokes “What do you call a couple that uses natural family planning?..Parents…haha”. We hunkered down and started following and becoming a practicing Catholic. Our eyes have been open like never before. Our faith is getting stronger as well as our marriage and my largest regret in life is that I did not follow Church teachings sooner. I know I have family that uses ABC, hopefully they see us being open to life and still having controlling our family size.
 
ricofall said:
Here is my advice
1st. Stay out of their personal lives unless a situation comes up and they ask you for advice.

2nd. Become a witness and live by example. Let me see you as a shining catholic who understands church teaching.

My wife and I use ABC long time ago, it was hard to justify stopping because everyone said it was ok to use. You even hear the same lame jokes “What do you call a couple that uses natural family planning?..Parents…haha”. We hunkered down and started following and becoming a practicing Catholic. Our eyes have been open like never before. Our faith is getting stronger as well as our marriage and my largest regret in life is that I did not follow Church teachings sooner. I know I have family that uses ABC, hopefully they see us being open to life and still having controlling our family size.
Click to expand...
It is our regret as well. (Just think how many grandkids I could spoil if we had had more children 😛 )
 
George_Stegmeir said:
My sincere advice is to stay away from the issue. This is a highly personal subject of concern only to the couple involved. It is none of your business.
No matter how good your intentions may be, your commenting on this issue to the couple can only cause hate and discontent. It is a good way to destroy any familial feelings amongst you and yours.
There is such a thing as being right and wrong at the same time.
Click to expand...
Excellent advice.
 
Ana_v said:
I very sincerely seek some advice from people on CAF who have/know of family members who use contraception (whether this is second hand knowledge or first hand knowledge) and how you approach this issue. Particularly in those cases in which you are not, friendship wise, very close to the person, but nevertheless have some kind of communication with them even if irregular/ see them every now and then or at least can practically go to see them (regardless of how often or not this is actually one).

My credibility is diminished by the fact that I am young, (20), am not married and do not have children. For me to approach the contraception issue with a relative who is Catholic, married, and with children, and currently pregnant (it having happened while on contraception), and having related sicknesses, can be very difficult.

I imagine facing such thins as " None of your business" or " You don’t know what it’s like to have children, etc".

To be clear, no, I am not intending to go up to the person and start spontaneously rebuking. I am just hoping that in time, an opportunity to address contraception will come up. For example, if at a family gathering, someone asks her " Are you going to have more kids?" Surely something like this will come up. I don’t know if that is the time to intervene. In one sense, it would be great in that you can witness to multiple people. On the other-hand, if all of those multiple people are pro-contraception, the backlash will probably difficult to handle effectively. Whereas if it’s one-to-one discussion, this is more manageable.

But … I do know that sometimes our silence can be interpreted as assent. I do not want this to happen. I also know we must be prudent. I also know we much lead people to the truth.

Please, if you could share your experiences … thank you.
Click to expand...
Try giving them a copy of the CD “Contraception – Why Not.” By giving them a CD from someone who DOES have experience (and credibility), you are helping them and avoiding the snarky despite that some people have for the youth.
 
PennyinCanada said:
How much you want to bet the husband gets sterilized before another pregnancy happens?
I appreciate that you are planning a strategy on approaching this subject with hostile family members. Have you talked about Natural Family Planning? Have you looked into it yourself, and can you let them know what you’ve found out? The angle of ‘this is what I’ve been looking into’ is a gentle way of proceeding rather than telling them that they should look into it. Less confrontational, and likely more effective. Good luck. lol
Click to expand...
Like!
 
I totally disagree with those that say to stay away from the issue. Sure it’s a very personal one but that doesn’t mean you can’t talk about it if the subject comes up. How will people know what the church really teaches and why if no one will say anything.(But don’t be arrogant and tell them how bad they are.) Sometimes one needs to hear that they are sinning when they are even if they don’t want to hear it. Would Jesus ignore talking about it because it’s too personal?

Part of your problem is your age. If you were older and married some may take what you say more seriously. They may look at you as too preachy and a “who do you think you are? You have no idea what it’s like”

You’ll need to be very sensitive on how you talk about it without sounding all righteous. I have a 21 year old. Too many “kids” your age really do think they know everything. But there’s nothing wrong with letting people know why the Church teaches as it does.

An area of great need for you would be to talk to other young adults about premarital sex.
 
Ana

Caution! When it comes to other people’s intimacy, keep out of it.

Even if they’re open about certain details, don’t assume it’s an invitation for comment (unless they explicitly say otherwise, of course). Although you are clearly well-intentioned, what you suggest would be intrusive and rude, however politely you expressed yourself.

However, if a general discussion about contraception comes up, you may then voice your opinion, preferably in an impersonal way (e.g., “The Church teaches using contraception is harmful because” rather than “You are sinning.”)

Keep in mind, people generally aren’t looking for our “approval” and will likely live as they please regardless (as they are free to do). You should not be looking to change their mind, so much as challenge them with an alternative.
 
Also, Remember that prayer is a great help. Pray for them and pray for an opening for a discussion. Study all you can about “The Theology of the Body” There are great concepts for young people who are trying so hard to do the right thing about their own chastity. Blessed Pope John Paul II loved young couples and he teaches with so much love and so much wisdom.

Perhaps the subject may come up when you are able to discuss the problems that you and your friends deal with.

Study, be prepared and pray, pray and more prayer.
 
Ana do not let others fears silence you! I suspect you would be very respectful in any comments you would make. The fact that you witnessed some of these things being discussed, and you have inside information gives you the opportunity to witness to God’s ways. If satan can guilt us into being silent, then he has won the bedroom, and stripped us of the Sacramental union! Teaching God’s ways in NOT an invasion of their bedroom! It is a heroic act of love for the conversion of their souls!

I often start conversations by asking questions using a completely non judgemental, inquiring tone of voice. "How do you feel about using contraception? you will learn their views, and have an opportunity to respond. Be empathetic! You may ask, “Do you know what the Church teaches?” or “Have you heard contraceptions are abortifacients? I was surprised to learn that.” “Have you heard of NFP? I want to learn more about that.”

Be open to learning, as they have life experience to share, but know that God’s ways are best. Listen to what they share. All of us have a deep desire to be heard! You are called to plant seeds, NOT to be successful in converting their thinking. Some conversions in thinking take years! ** Be kind! Love is kind, so don’t be provoked into arguing! ** You can always come back later when people have calmed down, and say, " I was thinking about what you said…" Also If you don’t know the answer say, “That’s a great question! I’ll have to look into that.” That gives you the opportunity to reintroduce the subject later when you are better informed. Listen, to God’s leading in this! He will tell you when to speak, and when to be silent. Trust God to lead you when it is time to be bold, and when to with draw, and change the subject.

I will pray that the Holy Spirit leads you in how, and when to share. 🙂
 
A friend of mine told me that a priest said that it was okay to contracept because after all they knew what they could deal with.

Over the years they discovered the true teaching of the church and as she put it, “We were blessed with four more children.”

We seem to have forgotten that children are a blessing from God.
 
An interesting subject. ‘Natural Family Planning’ is approved by the Church, yet it is a form of contraception. Other forms are not. I posed the question once to our priest and I still recall his answer. He said “Which would be the greater fault / greater sin in God’s eyes; the prevention of a conception or the termination of a life that has begun?”
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top