Religion Differences With My Boyfriend

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Laura15

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Hi, (I’m using my sister’s account here)

My boyfriend goes to a Nazarene church and we had a discussion the other day involving our religious differences, because we both realized this might hinder our relationship. He only has a few objections to Catholicism, but thankfully not too many. However, he says that if we got married he would probably want to take our kids to a Protestant church each weekend. Namely at this point, he doesn’t want to convert. I’m in a difficult position right now because he has asked if I would go to a Protestant church instead if we got married, but still hold my beliefs so we wouldn’t be going to our separate churches. I’m not sure what to do because would I be condemning myself to hell if I went to a Protestant church? I wouldn’t think so because I wouldn’t be rejecting God and Heaven…but I’m still perplexed. Can anyone offer any suggestions as to what I should do? 🙂

Rachel
 
A very good friend of mine has been married for a long time to a Baptist. She would not permit the two daughters to be baptized in the Catholic church (and the baptists do not believe in infant baptism); both girls are in college and one (without informing her parents before) has been baptized in another church.

Each Sunday they go to Mass (daughters were always there when at home), and then go to the Baptist service.

I can’t begin to describe the heartache this has caused.

You can be fully Catholic, fully committed to Christ, and marry a Protestant and have a fruitful and sacramental marriage until death. I won’t lie and say it is easier if your spouse is also Catholic - but if they are at least a lukewarm Catholic, you don’t have the friction that occurs when you have two people of different faiths in the marriage trying to work through all the rest of the problems married people have.

You will not survive as a Catholic (and never mind that the Church would consider your not attending Mass each Sunday to be objectively a mortal sin) if you “keep your beliefs” but don’t go to Mass. You won’t keep your beliefs. Period. Beliefs are not something you park on a wall or in some corner of your mind; they are what you live out. By not going to Mass weekly, you are not living out your beliefs. You won’t have them for long by going to his church.
 
Laura15 said:
Hi, (I’m using my sister’s account here)

My boyfriend goes to a Nazarene church and we had a discussion the other day involving our religious differences, because we both realized this might hinder our relationship. He only has a few objections to Catholicism, but thankfully not too many. However, he says that if we got married he would probably want to take our kids to a Protestant church each weekend. Namely at this point, he doesn’t want to convert. I’m in a difficult position right now because he has asked if I would go to a Protestant church instead if we got married, but still hold my beliefs so we wouldn’t be going to our separate churches. I’m not sure what to do because would I be condemning myself to hell if I went to a Protestant church? I wouldn’t think so because I wouldn’t be rejecting God and Heaven…but I’m still perplexed. Can anyone offer any suggestions as to what I should do? 🙂

Rachel
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Rachel, you definitely have a major problem here.

You can only be dispensed to marry a n-C if you promise that your children will be raised in the Catholic faith. If he will not agree to that then drop him and find a better man.

Moreover, you will starve spiritually without the Eucharist and because you already know the truth, to choose to attend the Nazarene church and forego Mass is a very serious problem. In fact, it’s straight up sin. This is not an option.

Realistically, what he is saying is that you have to abandon your faith and accept his for not only you but for your children as well, and that’s wrong of him.

Consider this article, (maybe even print it and give it to him) because this is a very big deal.
The Eucharist IS Scriptural

Don’t let anything or anyone come between you and Our Lord and His Church. No one is worth that price.
 
Laura15 said:
Hi, (I’m using my sister’s account here)

My boyfriend goes to a Nazarene church and we had a discussion the other day involving our religious differences, because we both realized this might hinder our relationship. He only has a few objections to Catholicism, but thankfully not too many. However, he says that if we got married he would probably want to take our kids to a Protestant church each weekend. Namely at this point, he doesn’t want to convert. I’m in a difficult position right now because he has asked if I would go to a Protestant church instead if we got married, but still hold my beliefs so we wouldn’t be going to our separate churches. I’m not sure what to do because would I be condemning myself to hell if I went to a Protestant church? I wouldn’t think so because I wouldn’t be rejecting God and Heaven…but I’m still perplexed. Can anyone offer any suggestions as to what I should do? 🙂

Rachel
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I think there is a selfishness on his part for his stand. He should consider what the CC teaches about raising children in the CC faith. It seems he does not want to put in the work to make any union between the two of you to work it out.

Ask for guidance from the BVM for this, pray for you and his enlightenment.
 
Hi,

I am in the same boat with my girlfriend. She is in a church that is non denominational and pretty staunchly anti-catholic. I have attended her services but really, they have only served to reinforce my Catholic beliefs as I have been forced to dig deeper and deeper into the faith and have gotten better and better explanations as why as Catholics we do what we do. This has, honestly in good conscience, made me feel that there is no way I could leave the Catholic Church. This has obviously created a serious problem with my girlfriend and I and as of now she is refusing to even considering to learn about Catholicism. As much as we love one another, as of right now we are separated as we look for a solution to our problem.

The bottom line is that what your boyfriend is asking you to do, much like what my girlfriend was asking me to do, is unfair if he himself is not willing to do what he has suggested. Namely, he is trying to pass not going to Mass off as “no big deal” saying that even though you would not be attending Mass you would still have your beliefs and therefor you are not turning your back on your faith or god. The problem is if you truly believe in the Infallibility of the Church then it is your obligation to accept going to Mass as an obligation because that his what the church and ultimately Jesus taught as proper course of action for worship. This is a bigger deal than your boyfriend is trying to make it out to be because you would also be missing out on many of the Sacraments – most specifically that of the Eucharist. I would suggest saying that if he feels that it really wouldn’t matter what Church you guys go to then you turn the tables and say why doesn’t he go to Mass with you and he can still hold his beliefs. I am willing to bet it will become a big problem for him at that point. That would only stress to show how much he is actually trying to downplay the necessity of the Mass and is ultimately attempting to undermine your Catholic faith whether even he consciously realizes it or not. In addition, try to find out what he objects about the Church and try to correct his misunderstandings. In my experience with what my girlfriend’s church teaches regarding Catholicism, it is pretty much just down right wrong and not actually what the Catholic Church teaches. I have tried to point this out to my girlfriend repeatedly but, like I said she is refusing to even look at the materials I present to her. Hopefully, your boyfriend will be a little more open minded.

I think if he were to have some of his objections to the Church answered he might be more apt to see how much a Mass really means to a Catholic. It is not just a church service but is an actual communion with heaven and god himself. That is something I have a hard time, and I would say most people who truly believe in the Eucharist have a hard time, turning their back on. I would recommned books by Scott Hahn to help with explanations about the church. They are pretty straight forward and quick to read and provide a nice basis for things. Also, I would try to introduce him to the early church father’s writings as these have shown that the early church was unmistakenly Catholic in its early beliefs. ( See St. Ignatius, St. Polycarp, Tertullian and St. Celement etc.) Check out David Currie’s book Born Fundamentalist Born again Catholic. In this book Mr. Currie actually chronicals his reasons on how being a protestant minister he actually managed to evangalize himself into the Catholic church. He address’s many issues that Protestants have with the Church during his exploration and road into the Church. In addition the Catholic Answers website is absolutely great to find answers and defend the faith.

Good luck, you have a hard road with this – I know from experience. Stay strong and pray on it. God will guide to the truth and proper action to take. I hope this helps.
 
Now I feel rather bad. I think I have put my boyfriend in a very bad light, though I didn’t meant to. First off, he is truly an amazing person and he is SO close to God and tries so hard to please Him and it’s a blessing to know him because, through his example, I’ve been striving to grow closer to Christ. I think he is closer to God than I am, which is sad but true.
He has actually studied Catholicism quite a bit and in fact his Dad was a Catholic and he was baptized in the Catholic Church, but his family ended up going to a Protestant church because his Mom was a Protestant. Right now he is not closed to the idea of becoming a Catholic. So, at the moment I’m trying to clear up his main issue: intercession to the Saints and Mary. He believes nearly everything that Catholics do and follows the Wesleyan doctrine, which contains a lot of beliefs which parallel ours.
Also, at this point I can’t condemn him for his wanting me to join his church, because I want him to join the Catholic Church. I hope that he decides to join the Catholic Church. I can’t expect everything to go my way. He was raised one way and I was raised another so it would be equally as hard for either of us to change our ways. That said, I totally understand where he’s coming from and I’m not holding it against him. Catholics believe that their children should be raised in the Catholic Church, but he believes that his children would be better off being raised Protestant, but his opinions may change and I pray they do. He has done lots of researching. He’s not anti-Catholic in any way…I would hate to “drop him and find a better man” because frankly there are many young Catholic men who have probably never been as close to God as my boyfriend is. I hope that all of you will pray for me in my efforts to bring him to the Catholic faith because he’s a true soldier for God.

Rachel
 
Hi,

Try Hail Holy Queen by Scott Hahn for a biblical look at Mary and her role in the Church including intercessions. It is pretty basic but it might help. I hope you don’t think that I was condeming your boyfriend as bad or ungodly. I feel that my girlfriend is like your boyfriend a wonderful person and godly (although I wish she were more open minded), but if he is truly open minded then he will continue to seek the truth which I feel only the Catholic Church has 100% of.

By the way why does he feel his childeren would be better off in a Protestant Church? If we know a little more about that someone on this board might be able to help you with a solution.

Good luck.
 
(Oh sorry, I was replying when you replied so I didn’t get your reply. :P)

I’m really sorry to hear that, and I pray that she’ll become more open-minded. Prayer can work wonders. 🙂 I don’t think he does realize at the moment how important Mass is to me and to Catholics in general, but as I stated before, he has done lots of reading. Thus, I hope he’ll understand when I say how important it is to me. Actually I know he’ll understand because it’s important for him to go to church every weekend. He just thinks that it’s easier to become indifferent to your faith when you’re a Catholic because of all the obligations ect. and so that’s why he said he would prefer it if his kids were raised in a Protestant church. I would actually have to agree with him on that because many Catholics, if not serious enough, just go to Mass and such because it’s an obligation. He just needs to know that the Catholics who take their faith seriously are very close to God.

Rachel
 
Okay thanks! Oh no I didn’t think that at all. I just wanted to clarify that, because I think I made it look like he was against becoming a Catholic at all. Hehe, I just answered that and I hope he’ll change his mind.
 
Hi,

I think being indifferent is a relative term and can easily happen in all religions. I don’t think it is particularly more prevelant in the Catholic Church than in other’s (although that is just my opinion). I think that if you and your boyfriend truly have a zeal for god, which it sounds like you do, then that will be imparted in your childern and the indifference will be a nonissue. I think the “indifference,” is largely due to poor catachesis and not understanding the what’s and why’s of the faith as well as listening to others who feel they know the what’s and the why’s of the church without actually looking into themselves. If you teach them about the faith well, this will not be a problem.

Thanks for you comments on my situation by the way. That was thoughtfull of you.
 
I would ask the boyfriend to read some books that would help him understand the Church. If he remained in his faith, he would at least learn to appreciate that the Church is not what it is often represented to be. In my experience, there are few outside the Church who have a good picture of its teachings. Well, then too few inside do too, but that is another matter.

An earlier post argued that the lady would be forced to abandon her beliefs if she were to make a routine of going to the other services. I believe that to be completely true. Constant reinforcement of other beliefs along with the objectively sinful abandoning of what Christ Himself founded will have most people permanently walking away.

There is quite a bit of material on this site, but I would get a copy of “Catholicism and Fundamentalism” to start. The more the man sees the fullness of the faith, the less resistant he will be to it. The man likely sees the Church as having abandoned the true faith in God in favor of ritual and statues. If that it dispelled, maybe there is a solution around the corner.
 
Rachel, if he was baptized Catholic, he IS a Catholic, although he wasn’t raised one! If he has studied the Catholic Church as extensively as you mentioned he has, I don’t see how that escaped his notice.

Good luck with breaking this news to him, though, I’m sure it will be a bit of a shock to him.
 
The marriage is primarily for the children. Your boyfriend is a wonderful person: he believes in his religion and wants to rise his children in that religion.

You have to decide: is it acceptable for you or not? You have to clear it before the marriage.

There is no proof that you go to hell if you accept your boyfriend’s religion as good for your children. God wants the hearts and minds, not formalities.

If you cannot accept it, wait for a wonderful Catholic person. There are many.
 
Laura15 said:
Hi, (I’m using my sister’s account here)

My boyfriend goes to a Nazarene church and we had a discussion the other day involving our religious differences, because we both realized this might hinder our relationship. He only has a few objections to Catholicism, but thankfully not too many. However, he says that if we got married he would probably want to take our kids to a Protestant church each weekend. Namely at this point, he doesn’t want to convert. I’m in a difficult position right now because he has asked if I would go to a Protestant church instead if we got married, but still hold my beliefs so we wouldn’t be going to our separate churches. I’m not
Rachel
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these are 3 different issues
would he convert? No
would you convert? No
so far not an insurmountable barrier to marriage, with adequate counselling and permissions.

how would you raise your children?
You as the CAtholic are obligated to have them baptized, catechized in the Faith, brought to the other sacraments, and most of all join you in Catholic worship at Mass on Sundays and Holy Days of obligation. Period.
If he says no, that is a deal breaker.
end it now before there is more heartache.
 
DJK100 said:
Hi,

I think being indifferent is a relative term and can easily happen in all religions. I don’t think it is particularly more prevelant in the Catholic Church than in other’s (although that is just my opinion). I think that if you and your boyfriend truly have a zeal for god, which it sounds like you do, then that will be imparted in your childern and the indifference will be a nonissue. I think the “indifference,” is largely due to poor catachesis and not understanding the what’s and why’s of the faith as well as listening to others who feel they know the what’s and the why’s of the church without actually looking into themselves. If you teach them about the faith well, this will not be a problem.

Thanks for you comments on my situation by the way. That was thoughtfull of you.
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Yes I suppose that could be so. I just think that for many Catholics, so many things are done out of habit, and I’m one of those Catholics, though I love going to Mass. I will try and get him to see that there is so much grace available through the Catholic Church, but that it’s a matter of Catholics seeking those graces out…which, if he were a Catholic, I’m sure he’d do.
You bet. 🙂

In reply to puzzleannie, there’s a possibility he would convert. He’s the one that said he would, except for a few objections and I’m the one who said flat out that I won’t. I just really need to work on those objections. We’ve both been praying though and don’t feel in our hearts that God is saying no, so we’re trying to come to a good solution, which hopefully will come with time and prayer.

“Rachel, if he was baptized Catholic, he IS a Catholic, although he wasn’t raised one! If he has studied the Catholic Church as extensively as you mentioned he has, I don’t see how that escaped his notice.”

That’s true. He just needs to accept it again. He has studied the Catholic Church a lot, but I think it was primarily the history of the Church. I’ll try and get a hold of some of the reading material all of you have suggested so he can start reading more!

Rachel
 
Laura15 said:
Yes I suppose that could be so. I just think that for many Catholics, so many things are done out of habit, and I’m one of those Catholics, though I love going to Mass. I will try and get him to see that there is so much grace available through the Catholic Church, but that it’s a matter of Catholics seeking those graces out…which, if he were a Catholic, I’m sure he’d do.
You bet. 🙂

That’s true. He just needs to accept it again. He has studied the Catholic Church a lot, but I think it was primarily the history of the Church. I’ll try and get a hold of some of the reading material all of you have suggested so he can start reading more!

Rachel
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It looks like you have the right mindset and your BF too. At least he is open minded and that is good.

I would encourage, as somebody has suggested, Hail Holy Queen by Scott Hahn. Additional books I would recommend by Hahn are The Lamb’s Supper (regarding the Mass), Lord Have Mercy (regarding confession-this is excellent), and Signs of Life (regarding the biblical basis of various Catholic beliefs and practices).
 
pablope said:
It looks like you have the right mindset and your BF too. At least he is open minded and that is good.

I would encourage, as somebody has suggested, Hail Holy Queen by Scott Hahn. Additional books I would recommend by Hahn are The Lamb’s Supper (regarding the Mass), Lord Have Mercy (regarding confession-this is excellent), and Signs of Life (regarding the biblical basis of various Catholic beliefs and practices).
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Thanks for those suggestions! I am really interested on the one regarding confession, because he had some questions regarding that. He didn’t think the priest himself had the power to forgive our sins, but I was trying to make him understand that it’s God who forgives our sins through the priest.

Rachel
 
Like one of the posts here says,please think this over before you marry if he even has one thing against the Catholic Church it is best to drop him and find some one who is strong in their Catholic faith because what usually happens and I have seen it happen is that the non catholic spouse will coax the Catholic one to their denomination this is something to think about especially when you start to have children let him go God will send a good Catholic your way if you nare meant to get married if not then he will cause you to be happy in the single celibate life will poray for your situation
 
My advice; better listen to puzzleannie on this issue. No sense losing your soul just because you have a "nice’ boyfriend. He may very well be a great young man but you have a serious issue here. Look at it in depth.
 
your OP is not clear about the baptismal status of both you and your prospective fiance, so it is a little hard to comment intelligently. If he is very committed to the Nazarene faith that is one denom. that is rather anti-Catholic, and whose leadership would very much frown on him marrying a Catholic.

In most cases of mixed marriages, the party whose faith is weakest will abandon that faith for that of the spouse who is more committed and believes more strongly.
 
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