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nunsense
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I am going to post from exactly the opposite side of the fence in the hope that it might help some of you who are feeling that you are missing out on something by not having sex.
I am a 55 year old woman who has been married (annuled) who wishes that she were still a virgin - and could offer this gift to God! Once you have had sex, that’s it - you are no longer a virgin and the gift is gone and you no longer have it to offer. But having had sex doesn’t mean that you never feel passion again or have the urge for sex - in fact, in some ways it is worse because you can have impure thoughts based on previous experiences, whereas virgins have more of a “pure” mind as well as a pure body. So the fight continues but without the beauty of the gift.
Next, I would like to say that the great grace of being able to be a priest is something that I envy every man - and I bless the hands of every priest because they can bring Jesus to me.
If you have a calling to serve Our Lord as a priest, rejoice at such a great blessing and try not to think so much about the sacrifice you will have to make, but the great love that will come from such an offering. It really is a supernatural calling, so the strength and the grace will be given to you if you ask for it.
I will pray you on because His Church needs priests so much! God bless you and keep you.
I am a 55 year old woman who has been married (annuled) who wishes that she were still a virgin - and could offer this gift to God! Once you have had sex, that’s it - you are no longer a virgin and the gift is gone and you no longer have it to offer. But having had sex doesn’t mean that you never feel passion again or have the urge for sex - in fact, in some ways it is worse because you can have impure thoughts based on previous experiences, whereas virgins have more of a “pure” mind as well as a pure body. So the fight continues but without the beauty of the gift.
Next, I would like to say that the great grace of being able to be a priest is something that I envy every man - and I bless the hands of every priest because they can bring Jesus to me.
If you have a calling to serve Our Lord as a priest, rejoice at such a great blessing and try not to think so much about the sacrifice you will have to make, but the great love that will come from such an offering. It really is a supernatural calling, so the strength and the grace will be given to you if you ask for it.
I will pray you on because His Church needs priests so much! God bless you and keep you.
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onetruechurch
Guest
It sounds like your reading of “Theology of the Body” has started you thinking about the beauty of sex and your desire to experience it. My suggestion is to balance any “studies” you do about sex with twice as many studies about all the problems associated with marriage, sex, sexual disease, etc. I also recommend Eucharistic Adoration as often as possible. Archbishop Sheen spent at least an hour a day in Eucharistic Adoration. I’m sure he also had temptations as a young man. Ask Archbishop Sheen to pray for you during these years of your discernment. He is a candidate for sainthood and can help you. All you have to do is ask.
When I was a young adult many of my peers had “experimented” with drugs and sex. I never did because it was against the law. Years later, many of those experimenters are still having troubles staying away from illicit sex or drugs. Their trying it just to see what it was like did not satisfy their hunger and curiosity. Life is much easier for those of us who never gave in to the curiosity. We don’t desire “more and more”. Also, if you stay a virgin it can make attending high school reunions more fun. You won’t have to be ashamed if you see a woman that you “de-flowered” just for the curiosity of the act.
When I was a young adult many of my peers had “experimented” with drugs and sex. I never did because it was against the law. Years later, many of those experimenters are still having troubles staying away from illicit sex or drugs. Their trying it just to see what it was like did not satisfy their hunger and curiosity. Life is much easier for those of us who never gave in to the curiosity. We don’t desire “more and more”. Also, if you stay a virgin it can make attending high school reunions more fun. You won’t have to be ashamed if you see a woman that you “de-flowered” just for the curiosity of the act.
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Michael_Saint
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Yes, puzzleannie, and some guys who get married only think about the “perk” of having sex, then when all that stuff you mentioned come along, they realize that great human experience comes with a heck of a lot of responsibility.
There’s this guy in my former parish who is married and has a couple kids. Everytime I meet him he tries to convince me to go back to the seminary. He said he was in the seminary years ago, and thought marriage was too good to give up. Now he tells me he realizes that it’s not the bright lights and starry skies he “idealized” as a young man. He always says, “I never believe one should have regrets, but…”, then tells me I had better discern more carefully and make the right choice!
One of my seminary formators also told me he has met friends he used to be with in the seminary, and it pains him to see the regret they have, and the belief that they may have indeed forfeited their true vocation.
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Michael_Saint
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True enough, but it’s probably hard for buc-fan33 to take this advice from someone who is enjoying a sex life. It is advice which is much easier to give than to live.
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Michael_Saint
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Actually, not true on two counts. Sociologist Father Andrew Greeley (a bad theologian, but a good sociologist) points out that Catholic priests are in general happier than married men. And a priest is not “single” - he is married to the Church in a real way “Mystical marriage” is not just some cute idea or cheap analogy - it is a profound reality.
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Michael_Saint
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When you are a virgin, believe me, it is the “giving up of the sex” that’s hard, not really the inlaws and the emotional intimacy - though that is difficult too.
My friend was a virgin well into his 20s, and never gave the priesthood a second thought. Well, he never dated, then got blown away by a girl who finally took interest in him, and he got into an impure relationship. Well, I’ll tell ya, I’ve never heard of a case of a guy choosing to study for the priesthood because he had sex for the first time! He realized that sex was very idealized, that it wasn’t really as his impressions always convinced him.
Believe me, as one who has never experienced sex or any kind of physical contact with a woman, the impression that we virgins receive is that sex is this unbelievably awesome, mind-blowing, out-of-this-world, paralyzing force that bring the one who experiences it joy and pleasure that make everything else in the world boring and pale by comparison.
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honeysuckle
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I am a woman, so I might not completely understand what you are experiencing, but I am surprised more people have not told you what I am thinking- you’re not missing much.
You didn’t say, “I want to be married, deeply in love, and give my body to my wife and experience the incredible joy of being a parent”, you said you wanted to know what it’s like to have sex. If you had said you wanted to be married, then I would say you may not be called to the priesthood. But since you said you wanted to know what it’s like to have sex, my guess is that this is coming straight from the pits of hell to prevent a godly priest so deeply needed in our world from fulfilling his mission.
I am divorced, and I have no desire whatsoever for sex. Literally none. It’s really not what you think- at least by itself, without marriage.
You didn’t say, “I want to be married, deeply in love, and give my body to my wife and experience the incredible joy of being a parent”, you said you wanted to know what it’s like to have sex. If you had said you wanted to be married, then I would say you may not be called to the priesthood. But since you said you wanted to know what it’s like to have sex, my guess is that this is coming straight from the pits of hell to prevent a godly priest so deeply needed in our world from fulfilling his mission.
I am divorced, and I have no desire whatsoever for sex. Literally none. It’s really not what you think- at least by itself, without marriage.
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Michael_Saint
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Marriage should not be referred to as being “lower”, but celibacy is indeed the “higher” or “superior” call.
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Michael_Saint
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Wow! Awesome post! Yes, if we only had the supernatural faith to see it, we would realize that the offering of our virginity as a gift is so much greater than any sexual experience could ever be.
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Michael_Saint
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I teach Theology of the Body at John Paul II Bible School in Radway, Alberta, and I caution my students that Theology of the Body can make sex seem so good that all we want to do is get married, and celibacy in comparision seems like a farce.
I would not say people should study “twice as much” about hte problems with sex, but rather, about the greatness and superiority the Church declares consecrated virginity to be. That is what I tell my students.
Because of the sexual revolution, we have had to stress the greatness of marriage and sex. Because we have elevated them to such a degree, celibacy tends to get devalued. We need to “re-balance” them.
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beckycmarie
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Bucfan, I think you hit the nail on the head with why being chaste is so difficult these days. You can’t turn on the TV, radio, computer, open a newspaper or magazine, or even drive down the road looking at billboards without being bombarded with images and innuendo.
The media has managed to turn sex into some kind of be-all and end-all of existence.
Is this something I’ve dealt with? Yes. How did I handle it? Very badly.
I managed to remain a virgin until I met the man I’d marry at 24. When the pre-marital fooling around finally resulted in sex, I was so disappointed that it was not what the movies had made it out to be. I was left with a feeling of, “that was it?” and I regretted what I’d lost just to satisfy that curiosity.
That is probably TMI, but my point is you probably have an overblown imagination of what sex is like based on all the constant assault of images from the media, plus you too would likely be left thinking, “that was it?” if you gave into that temptation, followed by regret.
If you want to get married, that’s fine, but be ready for all that other stuff that comes with it as puzzleannie mentioned.
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Michael_Saint
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Hey, buc-fan33. I have been responding to everyone else except you. So now I will respond to you.
I know exactly what you are going through. I discerned the priesthood pretty seriously for a while too, but left when I got sick. My thoughts thereafter turned to marriage, and yes indeed, what keeps me from going back is that draw towards married life - sex included.
For the most part, when in seminary I hardly thought about sex. Then, I met a young lady, and an attraction developed. And indeed, what “overwhelmed” me too was the thought that I would never have this incredible experience. How did I combat it? Well, first of all, I believed with all my heart I was called to be a priest, so I prayed like I had never prayed before. It’s amazing what happens when one pours himself out to God in prayer. And the Lord “revealed” (actually, put on my heart) a list of 9 reasons why He was allowing this “temptation”, this great desire to overwhelm me. I took those reasons and conquered those emotions through pure intellect and will-power. My mind had to tell my heart that it must be obedient to what it knew to be true, and it made my heart bleed. But I was able to overcome it.
I can PM you those 9 reasons, but only if you might think you would find them helpful. But to be honest, you are getting some really good insights from the other posters.
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bookgirl32
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I was going to say this too
. The total, self-giving love that is the true definition of the marital relationship, is awesome. But you’ll have this in the Priesthood as well, just in different form. Even the single life vocation has this.I guess you would want to hear a man telling you this, not a woman, but the physical sensations in and of themselves aren’t really any better than treating yourself to a huge decadent dessert, it’s very fleeting.
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Michael_Saint
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Actually, I think he does need a man to tell him this. I would think the “physical sensations” are a lot greater than dessert - at least to a man. Some women say they like chocolate better than sex. Good luck finding a man who would say the same.
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Gamera
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Self-esteem can be another reason why young men want sex. As young men we get a strong message that our value is dependent upon our accomplishments, which means our sexual value is reflected by our “accomplishments” of gettting girls into bed. Pleasure really has nothing to do with it – in this mindset, it’s much more important to simply have the sex than to actually enjoy it. Any young man who buys into this way of thinking would conclude that if he never has sex in his life, it means he’s not desirable or worthy of it. I’m not saying the OP has this issue, but someone in his situation could, and as a formerly-young man I can understand it.
I haven’t often seen female posters address this and I think it’s a Mars/Venus thing. Girls see drastic changes in their bodies which show them they have become women. Puberty doesn’t change boys so dramatically physically, so we look more toward “accomplishments” as signs that we have become men. That’s okay as far as it goes; the problem is that fornication somehow got categorized as an “accomplishment” for us, which is scary and sad. Casual sex will not improve your self-esteem in the long run. First, because sin never helps anything. Second, because you can’t disconnect the “accomplishment” of fornication from the damage it causes to the young women who end up heartbroken, and the fact that you broke a girl’s heart makes you feel worse about yourself, not better.
I haven’t often seen female posters address this and I think it’s a Mars/Venus thing. Girls see drastic changes in their bodies which show them they have become women. Puberty doesn’t change boys so dramatically physically, so we look more toward “accomplishments” as signs that we have become men. That’s okay as far as it goes; the problem is that fornication somehow got categorized as an “accomplishment” for us, which is scary and sad. Casual sex will not improve your self-esteem in the long run. First, because sin never helps anything. Second, because you can’t disconnect the “accomplishment” of fornication from the damage it causes to the young women who end up heartbroken, and the fact that you broke a girl’s heart makes you feel worse about yourself, not better.
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buc_fan33
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Everyone who has responded, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I greatly appreciate the candor with which you’ve responded to what’s going on in my heart. It is a struggle, without a doubt. Perhaps, as I get closer to returning to my seminary studies I’m experiencing in a unique way what a bachelor experiences right before his wedding–cold feet. The knowledge that once you walk through that door so to speak and say, “I do” there is no going back.
My spiritual director has been very helpful and for that I am grateful. Anyway, I’m glad to know that I am not alone in this.
Onetruechurch, you are exactly right that TOB has influenced me, but not in the way you think. When I first heard what JPII has to say about celibacy in his TOB, it made me desire celibacy more than I ever have before. The one thing I would disagree with you on is studying “all the problems associated with marriage, sex, sexual disease, etc.” This almost makes it sound like you want me to convince myself that sex and marriage are bad, which is most certainly not the case.
I think the problem that many young men have with this, myself included, is that we see and feel how good sex is. Most young men, sadly myself included, have at one time or another experimented with masturbation, so we know what we’re missing. However, what celibacy reminds us of, that ultimately all of us are called to union with God, is unseen. “Eye has not seen, ear has not heard what God has prepared for those who love him.” Rationally I know that union with God will be infinitely better than union with a woman. It’s just hard to convince my body of that fact.
My spiritual director has been very helpful and for that I am grateful. Anyway, I’m glad to know that I am not alone in this.
Onetruechurch, you are exactly right that TOB has influenced me, but not in the way you think. When I first heard what JPII has to say about celibacy in his TOB, it made me desire celibacy more than I ever have before. The one thing I would disagree with you on is studying “all the problems associated with marriage, sex, sexual disease, etc.” This almost makes it sound like you want me to convince myself that sex and marriage are bad, which is most certainly not the case.
I think the problem that many young men have with this, myself included, is that we see and feel how good sex is. Most young men, sadly myself included, have at one time or another experimented with masturbation, so we know what we’re missing. However, what celibacy reminds us of, that ultimately all of us are called to union with God, is unseen. “Eye has not seen, ear has not heard what God has prepared for those who love him.” Rationally I know that union with God will be infinitely better than union with a woman. It’s just hard to convince my body of that fact.
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GraceDK
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Gamera I agree with your post.
Just wanna add that its not only girls that have their hearts broken this way but because many more girls than boys have high childhood expectations about family, love and beauty they get greatly broken and disillusioned when they are objectified/objectifying others… and something dies in them. Not all women feel like this… I have met some young ladies who had a “happy free sexlife” where they liked to experience and felt no grief or bad conscience… it baffles me how women can be so different according to how they are brought up but its the honest truth…
Anyway what I wanted to add was that the same counts for men. I have met, heard and read numourous testimonies that made me realize that the feelings of nausea, panic, death and self-estrangement is also experienced among quite many young men …especially those who were brought up with good role models and more or less Christian homes. When they lost their virginity they felt all of the above… some fell into depression, suicidal thoughts: they were devastated and some were not able to work for week or month after what had happend because they felt so broken.
I think its important to realise this, also among those who have chastity ministries… its not for the girl’s sake alone that a man should keep himself chaste and take care of his heart, but for his own sake just as much… The damage is so great…
Shalom
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onetruechurch
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Em_in_FL
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buc_fan33…
I will keep you in my prayers for your vocation. Your desires are healthy, and I would be honored as a married woman to know that our priests think so highly of the gift of sexuality. I think it’s GOOD to have that kind of mutual respect for our unique vocations. There are struggles and graces that are associated with each one…
Gosh, I don’t know how many times I’ve yearned for the peace and solitude of the celibate life… the opportunity to serve others in that spiritual aspect… I probably won’t ever get to experience those wonderful graces in the same way that a priest can!
Again, it’s good to have a healthy, mutual respect for each vocation… there are struggles and graces associated with each one.
Continue discerning your vocation… my prayers are with you…
I will keep you in my prayers for your vocation. Your desires are healthy, and I would be honored as a married woman to know that our priests think so highly of the gift of sexuality. I think it’s GOOD to have that kind of mutual respect for our unique vocations. There are struggles and graces that are associated with each one…
Gosh, I don’t know how many times I’ve yearned for the peace and solitude of the celibate life… the opportunity to serve others in that spiritual aspect… I probably won’t ever get to experience those wonderful graces in the same way that a priest can!
Again, it’s good to have a healthy, mutual respect for each vocation… there are struggles and graces associated with each one.
Continue discerning your vocation… my prayers are with you…
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