Relocating and leaving adult children behind

[jinedo58]

i need some (name removed by moderator)ut. I have been Blessed with a wonderful wife we met on AvaMaria,she is from Texas and I am from California. We have been married since August 2010. Due to her job situation,she has continued to live in Texas and i in California with the idea that I will retire and move there in summer of 2013. We visit each other bout once a month and its been difficult but we make the best of it.She does not move here cause by the time she gets settled here,we will be almost be getting ready to leave, I love Texas her family and financely it makes more sense to be in Texas. Here is the deal though. I have three daughters 17,23,and 25,i would be leaving them behind the two oldest one are finished with college and have good jobs,the youngest one will graduate from high school by the time i leave. I love my girls and they love me,they dont want me to move,they keep saying the youngest one needs me during the early college years and they dont want to lose me. There mother died 8 years ago and we have done well but i guess they feel i am abandoning them. They have never contributed towards the house financely or helping around the house,i literaly have to bus the kitchen table and clean the whole house, I feel with my wife moving here it would be one more servant for them and our marriage would end in disaster. Am i wrong in leaving my Children to make it on there own. I am encouraging my youngest one to move toTexas with me for at least a couple of years but she is not open to the idea, Any thought would be appreciated. God Bless,Joseph

 

[juno24]

Jinedo58, congratulations on your new marriage. I’m sure it has been rough living apart.
Are your 2 older daughters self-sufficient yet? You say they have good jobs; to me, this means that they are able to fend for themselves, at least financially. If I were you, I would let them know that I am indeed moving to be with my wife. Give them a deadline to find an apartment to share. Even if the deadline is your moving date. Just be clear that even if they choose not to, you are still going.
The youngest, however, is a different story. You said she will have graduated high school before you move, but she will in no way be self-sufficient. Give her 2 choices-- move to Texas with you and go to school there, or go wherever it is she is currently intending to attend, and live on campus.
Change is hard for all of us. They’ve lost their mother, and now they probably do feel a bit like they are going to lose you, too. Spend time reassuring them that this is not the case, but also remind them that it is because you loved their mother so much (and she loved you so much) that you are capable of loving someone else and want to be with her. You have raised your children, and now it is time for them to fly on their own. You will be there for them. You will always love them, and you will miss them as much as they miss you. But they cannot ask you to continue to sacrifice just so they can be in the same house as you. They are growing up, maturing, broadening their own horizons, yet they want you to remain static. That really is understandable, but it is unfair on their part.

 

[1ke]

No you are not abandoning them. They are adults. And you do them NO favors by waiting on them. Demand that they begin cleaning house and pulling their weight IMMEDIATELY. You will have done them a grave disservice if you let them continue into adulthood without proper housekeeping skills of cleaning, cooking, and laundry, and a load of bad habits.

As to moving, you made a vow to your wife. You need to do what is right for your marriage.

 

[Spencerian]

No you are not abandoning them. They are adults. And you do them NO favors by waiting on them. Demand that they begin cleaning house and pulling their weight IMMEDIATELY. You will have done them a grave disservice if you let them continue into adulthood without proper housekeeping skills of cleaning, cooking, and laundry, and a load of bad habits.

As to moving, you made a vow to your wife. You need to do what is right for your marriage.

I agree.

As parents, we wean our children twice. The first from milk to solid food. The next comes from living with us to living on their own. You will always be a parent, but your children are of an age where they must learn self-sufficiency, else, they will be dependent on you and drain resources you may not have as you get older. That’s a disservice to you and them.

In no other time in history has there been better instantaneous communication (including video), so it’s not that your kids won’t be able to chat with you. Same is true for sending money.

You and your wife vowed to care for each other. You have successfully raised your kids into adulthood and now must leave them to learn what only experience can teach.

 

[Catholic90]

They have never contributed towards the house financely or helping around the house,i literaly have to bus the kitchen table and clean the whole house,

Well, that is where you should have made them do chores! If the older ones have jobs and still live with you, then they certainly should be paying towards staying there. That is something you should have negotiated years ago.

But what’s done is done. So looking forward…you are now married and must be with your wife. I agree that the older 2 can share an apartment if they both have good jobs, as you say. The 17 year old will be in college soon, so she will likely be living on campus somewhere anyway. She will be spending breaks with you, like Christmas, summer, etc., and for those times, she can travel to Texas from wherever she is attending college.

 

[chepner3]

I suppose that since you’re used to travelling to TX frequently, that you can just reverse the travel and visit the adult-children in CA frequently, too. I also recommend a slow transition rather than just picking up and moving. Visit TX and stay a little longer than usual, extending your time in TX over the course of several visits. As the youngest gets her own place (perhaps to move in with a sister) you can eventually put the house up for sale, if that is what it takes to move and close the door on living in CA.

Keep track of your time in each state on a calendar since you’ll need this information when you file your taxes.

Don’t retire until you have spent a full year in TX, if at all possible. CA income taxes will reach out to wherever you live and take part of your retirement because you “retired in CA”. Consult a tax specialist on how to cut your ties with CA. You may decide to work a little bit after you get to TX. Doing so might even help you write off some of the costs of the move.

Make sure your children get to select and keep a few items from their mother or from the house before you start getting rid of stuff. Since your children are still young adults and not completely settled, offer to pay to store their mementos until they are ready to inherit them. My dad re-married after a 50 years marriage with my mother. He died a year after getting remarried and his new wife kept all the mementos of my mother that we would have gotten. None of the items had any value but I felt a great loss just the same.

Of course, write your will so it is clear what your new wife will inherit, what her children will inherit and what your children will inherit. You might decide to keep some of your pre-marriage assets separate and name your children as beneficiary on those accounts so there are no questions on who gets what.

Keep in mind that as the head of the family (the eldest generation) you set the tone for how you want family relationships to be handled. If you want to maintain a relationship with your adult children you have to work at it. Don’t put this on the kids until they reach the age of 25 or so. YOU call them frequently. YOU visit. YOU skype. YOU send pictures, little gifts and letters. Be aware by moving away to another state, you’re setting the precedent that they may scatter across the country, too. There is no reason now why they need to stay in CA. Moving means you may never live close to your grandchildren, giving you the opportunity to have a close relationship with them. You’re risking a lot by moving.

Consider the idea of buying a vacation cabin (not a timeshare) where the family can gather - with or without you there - and create new family memories. This will be a neutral location and not your new wife’s home. Perhaps a little place in New Mexico, Arizona, or southern Nevada would be a good compromise. Again, by moving what you’re removing from your children’s lives is the idea of “home”. You want to give them a place for physical grounding - a place to come back to - a safe haven - a place where they won’t be strangers.

 

[jinedo58]

Thanks for the kind encouraging advice just some more (name removed by moderator)ut my youngest has been struggling in school and has had a drug problem a couple of years ago. Please join my wife and I as we pray to StJoseph in this Regard. God Bless, Joseph

 

[SummerSmiles]

Well, it sounds like the two oldest are self-sufficient, or have the means to be, correct? They should be encouraged to find their own place, or even rent an apartment together if they don’t want to live completely on their own yet. If they’re not currently doing their own chores, then they need to be taught how to do that. They need to be expected to clean up after themselves, they need to learn how to do their own laundry, they need to know how to cook something more than microwave dinners, know how to budget their money, etc. Otherwise it will be a HUGE shock once they’re out on their own and you’re not there to guide them.

The youngest one you say will graduate high school right before you move. Does she have any plans for college? If she does, then she could live on campus. When the school breaks for holidays, she could still be able to come and visit you, even once you’ve moved. If she just wants to do something like a community college, then she should probably go along with you and go to a community college close to where you will be living. If she’s not interested in college, then is there a trade school close to where you will be moving that she could go to? If she’s already having some struggles, I wouldn’t suggest turning her lose to live completely on her own yet; she should probably remain somewhat close to you. But like the others, you will need to teach her how to care for herself so that she’s not shocked when she does get put out on her own.

I’m so glad that you’ve been able to find a good wife. You need to do what is best for your marriage now, so I would just explain to the girls that you will always be their dad and love them, but that they are adults and you need to be with your wife.

 

[Jesus_123]

… I am encouraging my youngest one to move toTexas with me for at least a couple of years but she is not open to the idea,

:bible1:
For wisdom is better than all the most precious things …"
- Proverbs 8:11

+Hi Joseph . . .

Losing your first wife and and the** Lord** having entrusted you with your three daughters to complete raising as a single parent is quite a trust and responsibility to learn and grow with as a single parent . . . while trying to establish a healthy, responsible home and life for all . . . *and certainly isn’t an easy path in life *. . .

As I sorted through your post to better understand . . . *from my background as both a mother and also as as a teacher of other people’s children *. . . a clear and rather troubling reality became readily apparent in your post . . . ***and in all charity and peace ***. . . even as a teacher needs to occassionally share within a parent-teacher conference . . . I offer the below for your prayerful consideration . . .

Now and again professionals who work with children encounter the problem of the pattern of . . . **role reversal **. . . in families they encounter . . . *in other words *. . . the pattern of a parent . . . allowing . . . the . . . children . . . to control the family circumstances . . . **emerges as the family dynamic **. . . rather than the parent . . . consistently and prayerfully taking disciplined control of the family and parenting the children by setting disciplined boundaries as to who is in authority and responsible in the Lord for the family’s present and future daily life as a family . . . this isn’t necessarily a visible black and white reality all the time . . . nevertheless . . . in varying degrees . . . the children are essentially allowed to “rule the roost” so-to-speak . . .

As parents . . . we each need to embrace the reality that the responsiblity of wise, healthy . . . disciplined decision making . . . for the family is essentially . . . ours to make as the parents . . . in the Lord . . . NOT the children’s . . . *and while as parents we certainly need to responsibly be sensitive to who our children really are and their true needs . . . (not just their “wants” and “wishes”) *. . . body, soul and spirit . . . whether our children like or agree with our responsible adult life-and-parenting decisions as heads of the family . . . **in the end their transient opinion as children is neither here nor there **. . . making wise and disciplined responsible choices for the family is the responsibility of the parents before God . . . and standing firm in faith in the **Lord ** . . . and disciplined upholding of the right and authority of parents to direct the family’s life and destiny should never be relinquished to the children . . .

The process of keeping family and home life . . . healthy . . . peaceful . . . orderly . . . and . . . harmonious . . . of necessity must involve both . . . **love . . . and . . . discipline **. . . being . . . firm . . . but . . . kind . . . Sacred Scripture teaches . . .

“:bible1:
Train up a child
in the way he should go:
and when he is old,
he will not depart from it.”
- Proverbs 22:6

The training of a child can . . . at times . . . be very difficult . . . and on the more serious occassions . . . one can experience the grieving of the whole group involved over its imperfections when . . . **maturely formed disciplined boundaries of love **: . . . are necessary to be carried out for one or all of its members . . . I love the extraordinary wisdom and spiritual support of St. Benedict’s sharing in his Holy Rule concerning . . . The Fourth Degree of Humility . . . and while maturely learning and living within this discipline isn’t easy by any stretch of the imagination . . . it is wonderfully worthwhile and necessary for the formation of healthy children to grow past the **“self-centeredness” **of childhood into the **“other-centeredness” **of maturity . . . whether they be children of God of all ages . . . *or young children in their formative years entrusted to us for parenting care . . . *

• :coffeeread: The fourth degree of humility is, that, if hard and distasteful things are commanded, nay, even though injuries are inflicted, he accept them with patience and even temper, and not grow weary or give up, but hold out, as the** Scripture** saith: “He that shall persevere unto the end shall be saved” (Mt 10:22). And again: “Let thy heart take courage, and wait thou for the Lord” (Ps 26[27]:14). …

. . . all for Jesus+
. . . thank You Dear Blessed Lord our Saviour+​

 

[jinedo58]

Just another update. Yes my older children could be self sustaining,they have good jobs and a bright future,the problem is my youngest,she seems to be rebelling,she is doing poorly in school,in danger of not graduating. She has in the past taken an interest in going to cosmatology school,but she seems to want to give up. My 23 year old daughter says if i leave she will be stuck trying to straighten her younger sisters life. I assured her i am moving but i will do all i can to make sure my youngest is stable. My youngest insists there is no way she moving to Texas. I am putting our house up for sale next week and i understand this saddens them very much,we have been here over twenty years,once again please lift my family up in prayer,and God Bless,Joseph

 

[Catholic90]

Just another update. Yes my older children could be self sustaining,they have good jobs and a bright future,the problem is my youngest,she seems to be rebelling,she is doing poorly in school,in danger of not graduating. She has in the past taken an interest in going to cosmatology school,but she seems to want to give up. My 23 year old daughter says if i leave she will be stuck trying to straighten her younger sisters life. I assured her i am moving but i will do all i can to make sure my youngest is stable. My youngest insists there is no way she moving to Texas. I am putting our house up for sale next week and i understand this saddens them very much,we have been here over twenty years,once again please lift my family up in prayer,and God Bless,Joseph

Whatever you do, do NOT put the responsibility of caring for your youngest daughter on your older 2 daughters! She is YOUR daughter, your responsibility.

Make sure you do not abandon her and leave her floundering…

I can certainly identify with her not wanting to move to Texas. All her friends and her sisters are in California!

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Just another update. Yes my older children could be self sustaining,they have good jobs and a bright future,the problem is my youngest,she seems to be rebelling,she is doing poorly in school,in danger of not graduating. She has in the past taken an interest in going to cosmatology school,but she seems to want to give up. My 23 year old daughter says if i leave she will be stuck trying to straighten her younger sisters life. I assured her i am moving but i will do all i can to make sure my youngest is stable. My youngest insists there is no way she moving to Texas. I am putting our house up for sale next week and i understand this saddens them very much,we have been here over twenty years,once again please lift my family up in prayer,and God Bless,Joseph

Please try to see things from your youngest daughter’s point of view! She is only 17 and has no idea what to do at this point. You say she is floundering - what do you really think would happen if you just up and moved away? Where would she go? Will her sisters take her in? This is not their place to do, do you realize that? It is not fair to any of them to have you just pack up and disappear, leaving them to deal with your absence.

Is your wife putting pressure on you to get things tied up and move to Texas? You seem in a rush to get out of California come hell or high water. And your reasons for not moving your wife to CA are somewhat unusual - that your daughters will treat her as a servant? So, you would have to set boundaries and make sure that they do not do that! Your 17 year old should be helping around the house in any case. The other 2 are grown and gone so you can’t do anything about that now.

I would suggest that you slow down a little bit until you get your youngest daughter on some sort of track toward self-sufficiency. Maybe she is afraid - you are selling the house they knew their mother in, and moving away, to a new life. It is a big deal and just because you are anxious to start that new life, does not mean you stop being their father. They have no one else, I take it. Have they ever even met your wife in person?

 

[SummerSmiles]

Just another update. Yes my older children could be self sustaining,they have good jobs and a bright future,the problem is my youngest,she seems to be rebelling,she is doing poorly in school,in danger of not graduating. She has in the past taken an interest in going to cosmatology school,but she seems to want to give up. My 23 year old daughter says if i leave she will be stuck trying to straighten her younger sisters life. I assured her i am moving but i will do all i can to make sure my youngest is stable. My youngest insists there is no way she moving to Texas. I am putting our house up for sale next week and i understand this saddens them very much,we have been here over twenty years,once again please lift my family up in prayer,and God Bless,Joseph

Just wanted to pop in and say that you should not leave your youngest daughter in the care of your older two! The older girl is absolutely right. The youngest sister is not her responsibility, and you should not put your older girl in that position. You need to do what needs to be done with regards to your youngest. You are her father, and it is up to you to make sure that you do what you can to help her succeed. Please don’t expect your older daughters to take on your responsibility!

 

[jinedo58]

Just a some quick clarification,of course my children and wife have met,we have all spent Christmas together,i brought my youngest to Texas for Thanksgiving,and all my daughters were at the wedding in Texas,my daughters really like my wife and really are happy for both of us.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Just a some quick clarification,of course my children and wife have met,we have all spent Christmas together,i brought my youngest to Texas for Thanksgiving,and all my daughters were at the wedding in Texas,my daughters really like my wife and really are happy for both of us.

That’s great, but you still have an obligation to your youngest daughter to get her situation settled in some way before leaving the state. You really cannot expect your older daughters to take your responsibility. Please do not just leave for Texas and leave your younger daughter with no one to help her.

 

[Catholic90]

That’s great, but you still have an obligation to your youngest daughter to get her situation settled in some way before leaving the state. You really cannot expect your older daughters to take your responsibility. Please do not just leave for Texas and leave your younger daughter with no one to help her.

^^this times 10.

Your daughters lost their mother.
Now they are losing their childhood home, and the home where they remember their mom. I am sure each has special memories of her in various parts of the house.
Next they are “losing” their father to his new wife in Texas.

These are MAJOR stressors in their lives, and you CANNOT just say to the youngest, “You are almost an adult, so figure it out. Good luck.”

You say she is rebelling - of COURSE she is rebelling! Everything she has ever known is ending. Her mom is gone, now her house is being sold, her high school career is almost over and you are leaving too. She is left with what? Nothing!

Have you ever gotten her in for grief counseling? She has an awful lot to deal with for a 17 year old.

What’s done is done, but if I had been in your shoes, I would not have married until the youngest was graduated from high school and settled in her post-secondary school.

 

[Pax2u]

My mother died when my youngest sister was a senior in high school. Dad remarried a year later, sold the house to another sister, and left my just graduated sister and another sister a year older basically homeless. I couldn’t believe how badly he handled the whole situation…my mom would have been horrified. They got an apartment together, and scraped by, but had several very hard years. I think you and your new wife owe it to your 17 year old to help her get situated in school. And let her know your home is also her home while she is in college. If she chooses not to accept that, then that’s different…but you need to offer it and offer it wholeheartedly. My opinion.

 

[RubyT]

Is it possible that your youngest can attend college in Texas? As college is a new experience, with new friends made along the way, it is the perfect solution. There is no reason she can’t adapt to your needs. She will be stronger and more self sufficient if you send her away to school near Dads new home.

You don’t want your wife to be a domestic slave and understand that this is a bad thing but you are raising your daughters to think it is okay to expect those they love to service their domestic needs.

Why are they not helping you around the house? They should be voluntarily helping.
That is not a healthy situation to raise children as they become filled with a sense of entitlement and self indulgence. They grow up expecting that if you love me, you will serve and take care of all my needs, even domestic chores. This, of course does not promote healthy lasting relationships.

The girls should not be giving you a guilt complex, they should be happy that you found someone to love and take care of you. They were raised to be self indulgent or they would take it upon themselves to do chores. They will NEVER want you to leave. No matter how old they are or how self sufficient.

Also consider when your daughters have children themselves, will you want to be near your grandchildren? Will your new wife? The best solution may be for your wife to move to you. Its a tough choice.

I am sorry if my words hurt you. This is a serious dilemma. I will pray that you find a solution to meet everyones needs.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

^^this times 10.

Your daughters lost their mother.
Now they are losing their childhood home, and the home where they remember their mom. I am sure each has special memories of her in various parts of the house.
Next they are “losing” their father to his new wife in Texas.

These are MAJOR stressors in their lives, and you CANNOT just say to the youngest, “You are almost an adult, so figure it out. Good luck.”

You say she is rebelling - of COURSE she is rebelling! Everything she has ever known is ending. Her mom is gone, now her house is being sold, her high school career is almost over and you are leaving too. She is left with what? Nothing!

Have you ever gotten her in for grief counseling? She has an awful lot to deal with for a 17 year old.

What’s done is done, but if I had been in your shoes, I would not have married until the youngest was graduated from high school and settled in her post-secondary school.

With one caveat, and that is that if the youngest stays on drugs, or returns to drugs, and still expects Daddy to support her, then he must cut her loose.

In my state, the parents are responsible for the child until at least the age of 18. And I do not think abandoning a girl of even 18 is a good idea. I still lived at home with my dad until I voluntarily moved out at age 19, to move in with a friend of my older sisters. They were roommates but my sister was so messy that she was driving her roommate nuts. We hit it off so well that I decided to be the roommate instead of my sister. I’m not sure I would have moved so early if not for that roommate. I was ready, but not to be on my own.

Parents do have an obligation to their almost-grown children. I’m sure the OP is tired of being a widower, and is looking forward to starting his new life, but he doesn’t stop having children because he got married.

I also hope that his new wife doesn’t have children who live close by…Thus making it seem as if Dad is choosing another family over his own daughters. It’s all in the perception, really. And the intent.

 

[TheRealJuliane]

Is it possible that your youngest can attend college in Texas? As college is a new experience, with new friends made along the way, it is the perfect solution. There is no reason she can’t adapt to your needs. She will be stronger and more self sufficient if you send her away to school near Dads new home.
.

There is a practical obstacle to attendance in Texas colleges…That of out of state tuition. You have to be a resident of Texas for, I believe, at least 1 year, to get a tuition break. Otherwise, it’s very expensive to pay out of state tuition levels. VERY expensive.

My vote is that the OP moves his wife to CA temporarily while his youngest daughter gets settled into a college. I would give it a year, if not two. His first responsibility is always to his children (well, after God, of course).