Remaining single is better: 1 Cor 7:38

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I haven’t posted or read anything here in a long time, but I thought I might find some useful conversations about 1 Corinthians 7:38, which seems to me to be the clearest admonition against marriage in Scripture. All of chapter 7 seems to more or less warn you that marriage is dicey at best, but what do I know?

Yeah, the Family Life section of this forum pretty much confirms it for me - DON’T GET MARRIED. You young people - compared to the trials that will come, a little struggle with chastity is nothing. So be virtuous and stay single. Sure, there’s some good in marriage, (I love my kids), but thread after thread here in nearly 1000 pages can and SHOULD scare the hell out of anyone thinking about marriage.

I married a convert who now hates Catholicism. She hates where we live, what I do for a living (business owner in a blue collar industry), most of our Catholic acquaintances, my family, etc. She’s said numerous times that she hates being a mother.

NFP is loads of fun. I was there at the 4th C-section when the doctor said she’d likely be unable to carry another child to term. It might even kill her. So, NFP it is for us faithful Catholics. But since that basically restricts sexual activity to the times when she’s not really interested, the month of restraint and unromantic mechanics leads to a really disappointing “marital embrace.”

I’ve made up my mind. I’m done with it. It’s a hell of a lot easier to forgo sex altogether than the occasional alternative. It shouldn’t be that tough - while she hasn’t quite said as much, I think she’s just trying to do her best to love me. She wonders “where the spark went.”

I could go on, but mine is just one among what, thousands of other stories just on this forum alone?

We are faithful Mass attendees. We host a small group in our home every couple of weeks. We pray with our kids. (I don’t pray with her because I don’t like to submit the hardest, most intimate and fragile part of my life to her scrutiny and critiques). We homeschool because Catholic private school became unaffordable. Basically, if there’s an area where we aren’t at least attempting to be faithful, I don’t know where it is.

And we’re on the verge of hating each other. Moral of the story:

DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED. Be virtuous and be free.
 
Have you explained to your wife that you believe marriage is the worst thing you’ve ever done and that you seem to have undertaken it as a way to avoid sexual urges? Have you told your wife and kids that they are just “some good” that came out of your marriage?

Your story doesn’t scream “Don’t get married”. It screams “Go into marriage with realistic expectations and your eyes wide open to the possible good and the bad.”

As hard as marriage can be, I couldn’t imagine how much harder it would be to grow old alone, suffer serious illness with no one by your side, raise children as a single parent, or take care of aging family with no support from a committed spouse. Those are the people I feel for.
 
I sounds more like you are having marital struggles disassociated from Church teachings. You two need marital counseling ASAP, IMO.
 
montanaman said:
I haven’t posted or read anything here in a long time, but I thought I might find some useful conversations about 1 Corinthians 7:38, which seems to me to be the clearest admonition against marriage in Scripture. All of chapter 7 seems to more or less warn you that marriage is dicey at best, but what do I know?

Yeah, the Family Life section of this forum pretty much confirms it for me - DON’T GET MARRIED. You young people - compared to the trials that will come, a little struggle with chastity is nothing. So be virtuous and stay single. Sure, there’s some good in marriage, (I love my kids), but thread after thread here in nearly 1000 pages can and SHOULD scare the hell out of anyone thinking about marriage.

I married a convert who now hates Catholicism. She hates where we live, what I do for a living (business owner in a blue collar industry), most of our Catholic acquaintances, my family, etc. She’s said numerous times that she hates being a mother.

NFP is loads of fun. I was there at the 4th C-section when the doctor said she’d likely be unable to carry another child to term. It might even kill her. So, NFP it is for us faithful Catholics. But since that basically restricts sexual activity to the times when she’s not really interested, the month of restraint and unromantic mechanics leads to a really disappointing “marital embrace.”

I’ve made up my mind. I’m done with it. It’s a hell of a lot easier to forgo sex altogether than the occasional alternative. It shouldn’t be that tough - while she hasn’t quite said as much, I think she’s just trying to do her best to love me. She wonders “where the spark went.”

I could go on, but mine is just one among what, thousands of other stories just on this forum alone?

We are faithful Mass attendees. We host a small group in our home every couple of weeks. We pray with our kids. (I don’t pray with her because I don’t like to submit the hardest, most intimate and fragile part of my life to her scrutiny and critiques). We homeschool because Catholic private school became unaffordable. Basically, if there’s an area where we aren’t at least attempting to be faithful, I don’t know where it is.

And we’re on the verge of hating each other. Moral of the story:

DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED. Be virtuous and be free.
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Just because you are going through a tough time and have given up doesn’t mean you can dole out bad and embittered advice to others. You need to pull yourself together. A forum is a place where people go for advice. Nobody needs advice when things are rosy. Sure, marriage can be really tough, most good things are. But you would be silly to think that the majority of people can’t work through their issues with a little effort.

In the order of vocations that would be considered the “highest callings” it goes: religious life - marriage - single life. Single life is generally far easier and involves less sacrifice and responsibility than the other two. Believe me, the church does not put the single life higher than marriage.
 
Sounds to me that you need to fire up and get new sparkles with your wife. Tell your wife that you will try conquer her again and that she will have to cooperate by reserving her critiques and just go with the flow.

Make fun playing LIFE board game together as a family.

Start exercising at home and not leave her behind, take her to workout with you. There is this Shazzy Fitness Christian Hip Hop that’s fun. And the Lumowell 3D animated workouts. It will help with intimacy and emotional health.

And more activities to think about.

You are the man, the leader and head of the family. She is the neck, your support. You lead her by the hand. A woman is like a flower, if you don’t feed her, she will wither. And a withered flower is unappealing and tossed. Don’t do that to her.

It’s not who has more faults here, it’s more about who will humble and take the lead to do something about it FOR the greater good of all.
 
montanaman said:
I haven’t posted or read anything here in a long time, but I thought I might find some useful conversations about 1 Corinthians 7:38, which seems to me to be the clearest admonition against marriage in Scripture. All of chapter 7 seems to more or less warn you that marriage is dicey at best, but what do I know?

Yeah, the Family Life section of this forum pretty much confirms it for me - DON’T GET MARRIED. You young people - compared to the trials that will come, a little struggle with chastity is nothing. So be virtuous and stay single. Sure, there’s some good in marriage, (I love my kids), but thread after thread here in nearly 1000 pages can and SHOULD scare the hell out of anyone thinking about marriage.

I married a convert who now hates Catholicism. She hates where we live, what I do for a living (business owner in a blue collar industry), most of our Catholic acquaintances, my family, etc. She’s said numerous times that she hates being a mother.

NFP is loads of fun. I was there at the 4th C-section when the doctor said she’d likely be unable to carry another child to term. It might even kill her. So, NFP it is for us faithful Catholics. But since that basically restricts sexual activity to the times when she’s not really interested, the month of restraint and unromantic mechanics leads to a really disappointing “marital embrace.”

I’ve made up my mind. I’m done with it. It’s a hell of a lot easier to forgo sex altogether than the occasional alternative. It shouldn’t be that tough - while she hasn’t quite said as much, I think she’s just trying to do her best to love me. She wonders “where the spark went.”

I could go on, but mine is just one among what, thousands of other stories just on this forum alone?

We are faithful Mass attendees. We host a small group in our home every couple of weeks. We pray with our kids. (I don’t pray with her because I don’t like to submit the hardest, most intimate and fragile part of my life to her scrutiny and critiques). We homeschool because Catholic private school became unaffordable. Basically, if there’s an area where we aren’t at least attempting to be faithful, I don’t know where it is.

And we’re on the verge of hating each other. Moral of the story:

DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED. Be virtuous and be free.
Click to expand...
Do you love your wife?

In all of your post, I see all of the faults that you attribute to your wife, and nothing about your own behavior.

And yet, as you say, you are faithful mass attendees, have friends, homeschool, pray with your children and are trying to be faithful to church teaching. You even said that your wife is trying her best to love you. Those things should count for a great happiness in your life.

What about you? Are you trying your best to love her?

Honestly, I bet there are people reading this that would trade what’s going on in their life for yours. You have hit a rough time in your life, so you come on to the forum, and instead of asking for advice, you admonish singles to remain single. All because of your own marriage. There are countless stories out there of happy, healthy, though perhaps stressful marriages.You aren’t hearing about them, or your aren’t looking for them. You just want to jump on the marriage complaint bandwagon. And honestly, that is sad.
 
montanaman said:
I haven’t posted or read anything here in a long time, but I thought I might find some useful conversations about 1 Corinthians 7:38, which seems to me to be the clearest admonition against marriage in Scripture. All of chapter 7 seems to more or less warn you that marriage is dicey at best, but what do I know?

Yeah, the Family Life section of this forum pretty much confirms it for me - DON’T GET MARRIED. You young people - compared to the trials that will come, a little struggle with chastity is nothing. So be virtuous and stay single. Sure, there’s some good in marriage, (I love my kids), but thread after thread here in nearly 1000 pages can and SHOULD scare the hell out of anyone thinking about marriage.

I married a convert who now hates Catholicism. She hates where we live, what I do for a living (business owner in a blue collar industry), most of our Catholic acquaintances, my family, etc. She’s said numerous times that she hates being a mother.

NFP is loads of fun. I was there at the 4th C-section when the doctor said she’d likely be unable to carry another child to term. It might even kill her. So, NFP it is for us faithful Catholics. But since that basically restricts sexual activity to the times when she’s not really interested, the month of restraint and unromantic mechanics leads to a really disappointing “marital embrace.”

I’ve made up my mind. I’m done with it. It’s a hell of a lot easier to forgo sex altogether than the occasional alternative. It shouldn’t be that tough - while she hasn’t quite said as much, I think she’s just trying to do her best to love me. She wonders “where the spark went.”

I could go on, but mine is just one among what, thousands of other stories just on this forum alone?

We are faithful Mass attendees. We host a small group in our home every couple of weeks. We pray with our kids. (I don’t pray with her because I don’t like to submit the hardest, most intimate and fragile part of my life to her scrutiny and critiques). We homeschool because Catholic private school became unaffordable. Basically, if there’s an area where we aren’t at least attempting to be faithful, I don’t know where it is.

And we’re on the verge of hating each other. Moral of the story:

DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED. Be virtuous and be free.
Click to expand...
You are feeling frustrated because of the difficulties you are going through right now, and a life of singledom and being ‘free’ sounds very relieving to you right now. I’m sorry that things are difficult for you right now, and there is some truth to what you say in when you compare it to St. Paul’s recommendation that people remain unmarried and seek the Lord.

I would give some conscience thought to what you said and how it might sound like to someone who never had a spouse (but always hoped for one), never got to know the joy of the marital embrace (but always wanted to), never got to know the joy and privilege of having a child (gets to feel the crush of their heart when they see their friends families grow and they have nothing to share), never got to know the joy of striving and working hard to make a family work (while their lives are considered by others a waste or a weirdo for not marrying or having children), or the joy that comes from fighting through the tough times to victory later on- a full family that grows to grandchildren and maybe great grandchildren… (a satisfaction a single will never have the chance to experience)… Remember there are those that through no fault of their own suffer in this way.
Code: 
  ......you just sound very ungrateful things aren't going your way.  

Again, I'm sorry you are going through tough times, but please consider the alternative and not paint it as a rosy picture of perfection.    Remember St. Paul, a single, (who spoke about singledom in the passage you quote here *as a way to serve Christ better*)  got beaten, imprisoned and beheaded.   He wasn't 'livin' the worldly life' with ease and away from troubles.   It was in HIS SERVICE TO CHRIST FOR CHRIST that he obtained his happiness- not in being free to do his own thing and NOT by avoiding troubles! (no! He belonged to CHRIST, he said so himself! And he sought to bring Christ to others, out of love of Christ and His gift of salvation).
^^^ You can do that too through the trials you mention here, but its true you will have more run in’s with worldly stuff/concerns than a single woudl have since taking care of others-others who may not be as enlightened to truth as you are and bring those worldly troubles into your life. That’s it. Thats the only difference. You are looking at this passage a **bit **askew, but I don’t want to put you down or disparage you more- I can see that you are under pressure already. You need to be filled with the love of God. You need to see God. Again.

May God bless you today and send you his comforter and wisdom to make these trials you mention into glory for God and His Name.
 
montanaman said:
… but thread after thread here in nearly 1000 pages can and SHOULD scare the hell out of anyone thinking about marriage.

…
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I don’t really agree with that statement… Scirpture says:

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

The problem is today that too many do not seek the Lord first. And they do not FEAR THE LORD first. His gifts are powerful. Marriage is a gift. Marriage is powerful (you create life, you mold life!) . If one is not prepared to drive a car, there are going to be many accidents, but it is a privilege to be able to drive and one must learn how to drive the gift properly. Even when you do, accidents can still happen.

Single St. Paul sought the Lord, met the Lord and fought for the Lord and went head first into those places The Holy Spirit sent him. He probably felt fear, but he had no fear no hesitation in furthering the Gospel of Love for The Lord out of love for Him.
 
If I were your spouse and read your statement I would be heartbroken. It seems to be a complete and utter litany of complaints. I feel sad for your wife quite frankly.

You have already received some good advice about marriage counseling on other posts.
 
BlueEyedLady said:
Have you explained to your wife that you believe marriage is the worst thing you’ve ever done and that you seem to have undertaken it as a way to avoid sexual urges? Have you told your wife and kids that they are just “some good” that came out of your marriage?

Your story doesn’t scream “Don’t get married”. It screams “Go into marriage with realistic expectations and your eyes wide open to the possible good and the bad.”

As hard as marriage can be, I couldn’t imagine how much harder it would be to grow old alone, suffer serious illness with no one by your side, raise children as a single parent, or take care of aging family with no support from a committed spouse. Those are the people I feel for.
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But to look for someone just out of fear of “growing old alone,” etc, sounds potentially very self serving. IMINWHO.

ICXC NIKA
 
GEddie said:
But to look for someone just out of fear of “growing old alone,” etc, sounds potentially very self serving. IMINWHO.

ICXC NIKA
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Plus being married does not guarantee that someone will have another to grow old with.

I know a lot of elderly widows and some widowers.
 
Maybe people could post some stories of their happy marriages? It could provide for some hope. Not just for the OP but for those reading who might also feel that romantic love and marriage is the greatest pain and “mistake” in their life.
 
GEddie said:
But to look for someone just out of fear of “growing old alone,” etc, sounds potentially very self serving. IMINWHO.

ICXC NIKA
Click to expand...
Did anyone recommend that? No…

But humans are social creatures. We thrive with strong family bonds. We by and large want and need a stable community of people around us. Family foundational to this. And like someone mentioned, staying single requires a lot less from you, but you also miss out on so much by not forming those bonds.
 
GEddie said:
But to look for someone just out of fear of “growing old alone,” etc, sounds potentially very self serving. IMINWHO.

ICXC NIKA
Click to expand...
But very natural, and not in itself wrong. To enjoy the sunshine is also “self-serving”, but not wrong. The wrong of selfishness arises from the disregard for the needs of others, not the attention to one’s own needs.
 
Catherinabird said:
Maybe people could post some stories of their happy marriages? It could provide for some hope. Not just for the OP but for those reading who might also feel that romantic love and marriage is the greatest pain and “mistake” in their life.
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I suppose that would all depend on what people’s definition of “happy” is.

People can have happy marriages even though they don’t have perfect marriages. They can have happy marriages despite having disagreements, health issues, problems with family members, unemployment, and many other elements.

Sometimes, happiness comes from gratitude. Knowing that God is who we need to thank for whatever He sends us in our lives. I am not saying it’s easy, but people can have struggles and still have happy marriages. Sometimes marriage is not romantic at all. Sometimes life hurts us, but we are still happy with our marriage.
 
Irishmom2 said:
I suppose that would all depend on what people’s definition of “happy” is.

People can have happy marriages even though they don’t have perfect marriages. They can have happy marriages despite having disagreements, health issues, problems with family members, unemployment, and many other elements.

Sometimes, happiness comes from gratitude. Knowing that God is who we need to thank for whatever He sends us in our lives. I am not saying it’s easy, but people can have struggles and still have happy marriages. Sometimes marriage is not romantic at all. Sometimes life hurts us, but we are still happy with our marriage.
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That’s exactly what I mean. Not perfection. Not without struggles. Just real but still worth it.
 
ShrodingersCat said:
…edit…
In the order of vocations that would be considered the “highest callings” it goes: religious life - marriage - single life. Single life is generally far easier and involves less sacrifice and responsibility than the other two. Believe me, the church does not put the single life higher than marriage.
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The Church has always taught that the celibate state is higher than marriage - just as Heaven is higher than earth. catholiceducation.org/en/marriage-and-family/sexuality/celibacy-for-the-kingdom-amp-the-fulfillment-of-human-sexuality.html
That is a theological objective determination. However, if one is called to a certain state and way of life, what can be higher than God’s Will even on an objective scale?

I have lived in the single state under private vows now for over 30 years. When I read that the “single life is generally far easier and involves less sacrifice than the other two” I had to laugh and conclude that therefore I certainly am not among the “generally” of those called to lay celibacy. Anyone in any vocation whatsoever can be very sure that there will be sufficient in their journey to form/make a great saint - it is all a question of response.

The fact, I think, about living that vocation to which God has called one, is that the difficulties and sacrifices, sufferings, along the way are embraced as part and parcel of the journey God has willed for oneself. This does not mean that such are any easier or more difficult than any other vocation…rather just necessary to God’s Plan for a person (holiness/saintliness). Also present is another perspective and what The Church teaches and that is that Grace to meet anything and everything is always present - it is a question of whether one embraces that Grace or not.

We can be very sure too that no matter our vocation, Grace will be more than sufficient to holiness even great holiness.
 
montanaman said:
I haven’t posted or read anything here in a long time, but I thought I might find some useful conversations about 1 Corinthians 7:38, which seems to me to be the clearest admonition against marriage in Scripture. All of chapter 7 seems to more or less warn you that marriage is dicey at best, but what do I know?

Yeah, the Family Life section of this forum pretty much confirms it for me - DON’T GET MARRIED. You young people - compared to the trials that will come, a little struggle with chastity is nothing. So be virtuous and stay single. Sure, there’s some good in marriage, (I love my kids), but thread after thread here in nearly 1000 pages can and SHOULD scare the hell out of anyone thinking about marriage.

I married a convert who now hates Catholicism. She hates where we live, what I do for a living (business owner in a blue collar industry), most of our Catholic acquaintances, my family, etc. She’s said numerous times that she hates being a mother.

NFP is loads of fun. I was there at the 4th C-section when the doctor said she’d likely be unable to carry another child to term. It might even kill her. So, NFP it is for us faithful Catholics. But since that basically restricts sexual activity to the times when she’s not really interested, the month of restraint and unromantic mechanics leads to a really disappointing “marital embrace.”

I’ve made up my mind. I’m done with it. It’s a hell of a lot easier to forgo sex altogether than the occasional alternative. It shouldn’t be that tough - while she hasn’t quite said as much, I think she’s just trying to do her best to love me. She wonders “where the spark went.”

I could go on, but mine is just one among what, thousands of other stories just on this forum alone?

We are faithful Mass attendees. We host a small group in our home every couple of weeks. We pray with our kids. (I don’t pray with her because I don’t like to submit the hardest, most intimate and fragile part of my life to her scrutiny and critiques). We homeschool because Catholic private school became unaffordable. Basically, if there’s an area where we aren’t at least attempting to be faithful, I don’t know where it is.

And we’re on the verge of hating each other. Moral of the story:

DO. NOT. GET. MARRIED. Be virtuous and be free.
Click to expand...
Well, you did not stay single. You got married. You promised God and your wife that you would love her all the days of your life. You don’t get to choose to hate her. That’s not an option for you. Rather, you get to love your wife as your own body, as Christ loves the Church.

Is that what you are doing? If not, then that is where you are not “at least attempting to be faithful.” The letter of the law does not cut it. It does not give life. Only the Spirit gives life.

You can’t keep living like this; you’re going to crush your own heart, not to mention your wife’s. Grace is not going to come from “buck up and Just Do It,” either. You need some support, friend. You have been given a heavy cross to bear. Your crown is not going to come from letting the resentment towards it grow, though. Really, get a spiritual director and find a way through this dark valley. It is going to take time in prayer, it is going to take leaning on the Lord, but get some help. Even the Lord had his Simon of Cyrene. Don’t go it alone.

As for the posts to this forum, keep in mind that you’ll get a rather warped view of public health if you hang around emergency department waiting rooms. People come here when they need someone to talk to who doesn’t know them. That’s a tough spot to be in, just like yours is. You’ll get a less pessimistic view with people who have skin on, people who can show you their everyday normal life.
 
Catherinabird said:
Maybe people could post some stories of their happy marriages? It could provide for some hope. Not just for the OP but for those reading who might also feel that romantic love and marriage is the greatest pain and “mistake” in their life.
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We do that here from time to time, but mostly people come here looking for help with problems they don’t want to talk about with people who know them.

If real relationships have filled you with pain, look to your real relationships to provide consolation. I’m not saying that what we do here is worthless, but there is no substitute for real life and people you can see and who can see you.
 
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