Remarriage after divorce

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Mighty_Pawn

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If I was the one who committed adultery ( not with another woman, but there was pornography, emotional abandonment and verbal abuse, which I’ve been told is a form of adultery) and my wife divorces me, (which she did) at any point in time am I allowed to remarry? I believe that I can’t but I’m not really familiar with what’s considered adultery and what God says about it. For the past year I’ve been trying to reconcile and there is NO way I could ever believe I could marry anyone else, but I’ve tried everything and she won’t give us another chance. I don’t think I will ever marry again and I feel so much remorse and shame, but if I ever wanted to again would I be able to? Straight answers, I want to know the truth. From what I’ve read in the Bible I cannot remarry, which is fine. I’ve reaped what I had sown. I just can’t see biblically how I could remarry without living in adultery. I’m posting in this sub forum because I’d like to hear both catholic and non catholic views.
 
I suppose you should free yourself from pornography and masturbation first. Given that your thing says you’re a “Christian,” you could always become Catholic and get remarried in the Catholic church to a Catholic. In any case, marriage is supposed to be a life long thing, I mean you get one chance, you shouldn’t have looked at porn so much.
 
From a technical and legal perspective, even if you became Catholic the Church may still need to investigate your past marriage and declare it null before you could remarry. Depends on the circumstances, for example if your ex is Catholic and you married in a Catholic church.

And it’s certainly not a given that it WOULD be declared null in such a case - adultery doesn’t automatically invalidate a marriage, for example.
 
Yeah, I’m sure my marriage was a valid one. So even if I did want to be Catholic I wouldn’t go that route.

Oh! And thanks Snake for pointing out that I shouldn’t have been looking at porn. I would have never figured that out by myself if you hadn’t shown me the error of my ways.
 
Mighty_Pawn said:
Yeah, I’m sure my marriage was a valid one. So even if I did want to be Catholic I wouldn’t go that route.
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Well, to be blunt, it’s not necessarily for you to judge whether it was a valid sacrament or not. For all you or we know, your ex may’ve had a previous marriage that she didn’t tell you about, or something like that.

That’s why it’s best left to the Church, who will try to get ALL information from ALL parties concerned before reaching a decision.

So if you did become Catholic it would be worth exploring.
Oh! And thanks Snake for pointing out that I shouldn’t have been looking at porn. I would have never figured that out by myself if you hadn’t shown me the error of my ways.
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😛 :rotfl:
 
Mighty_Pawn said:
If I was the one who committed adultery ( not with another woman, but there was pornography, emotional abandonment and verbal abuse, which I’ve been told is a form of adultery) and my wife divorces me, (which she did) at any point in time am I allowed to remarry? I believe that I can’t but I’m not really familiar with what’s considered adultery and what God says about it. For the past year I’ve been trying to reconcile and there is NO way I could ever believe I could marry anyone else, but I’ve tried everything and she won’t give us another chance. I don’t think I will ever marry again and I feel so much remorse and shame, but if I ever wanted to again would I be able to? Straight answers, I want to know the truth. From what I’ve read in the Bible I cannot remarry, which is fine. I’ve reaped what I had sown. I just can’t see biblically how I could remarry without living in adultery. I’m posting in this sub forum because I’d like to hear both catholic and non catholic views.
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Firstly, the Bible made NO provision for the wife to divorce the husband. OPEN your eyes BIG and read. Its written regarding the men with adulterous wives. Not the other way around. Maybe you think this is bias, but it isn’t. Its a fact that many feminist women cannot accept. Moreover, the scripture gave the provision not as an instruction but as a permission. This means that you CAN choose not to divorce the person EVEN if the person committed adultery. And I’m sure that would be credited to you for magnanimity & grace.

The moment your wife chose to divorce you, SHE made you the adulterer (potential). Not that you have already committed the act of adultery. Fact is, she divorced you unilaterally and without provision for it in the Bible, PLUS you did not even commit the act of adultery. What she has done is, she will effectively make HERSELF an adulteress if she marries another.

As for you, you are already forced into one. But rest assured, the fault lies not with you with regards to this divorce.

.
 
@rumpel That sounds great. I wish I could believe it. But I have to take responsibility for this screw up. I absolutely caused this divorce. No doubt in my mind. She tried SO hard for the 10 years we were married. I KNOW I committed adultery in my heart which gives her permission to leave.

I just don’t know what to do with the rest of my life family wise. I know she’s going to remarry at some point. The thing is even if God allows divorce for adultery, I can’t find anywhere in the Bible where it says its ok to remarry. But I have found verses that say its no ok. Maybe ill become a priest.
 
Mighty_Pawn said:
@rumpel That sounds great. I wish I could believe it. But I have to take responsibility for this screw up. I absolutely caused this divorce. No doubt in my mind. She tried SO hard for the 10 years we were married. I KNOW I committed adultery in my heart which gives her permission to leave.

I just don’t know what to do with the rest of my life family wise. I know she’s going to remarry at some point. The thing is even if God allows divorce for adultery, I can’t find anywhere in the Bible where it says its ok to remarry. But I have found verses that say its no ok. Maybe ill become a priest.
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Well, she didn’t try hard enough. Marriage is for life. Divorce is permitted only when there is adultery which voids the marriage. Ask yourself, did you VOID the marriage by your actions? I’m sure you did not.

Jesus allowed the divorce only because the marriage bindings were violated by the act of adultery.

I personally know of a woman who divorced her husband because he committed adultery (the physical kind). Today, she remains a spinster, her daughter does not believe in marriage anymore and she is wasting her life away in petty gossip. Its very sad.
 
By actually typing my thoughts down here I’ve just realized that none of this matters. As far as me committing adultery, I’ve asked God for forgiveness. I’ve asked my once wife and her parents for forgiveness. I can’t go back in time and take anything back. And I don’t know why I even asked if I could get married again because even if I could find verses that said I could I wouldn’t. It wouldn’t be fair to the girl that wanted to marry me because I couldn’t give her my whole heart. My wife will always have some of it. So my question was pointless.
 
Rumpelstiltskin said:
Well, she didn’t try hard enough. Marriage is for life. Divorce is permitted only when there is adultery which voids the marriage. Ask yourself, did you VOID the marriage by your actions? I’m sure you did not.

Jesus allowed the divorce only because the marriage bindings were violated by the act of adultery.

I personally know of a woman who divorced her husband because he committed adultery (the physical kind). Today, she remains a spinster, her daughter does not believe in marriage anymore and she is wasting her life away in petty gossip. Its very sad.
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I don’t believe this. Adultery is not an acceptable reason to divide the one, two made one by God, into two. This is impossible! To divide one into two gives two halves.

Divorce is a civil declaration; except for legal issues, it has nothing to do with the marriage, God’s declaration. Adultery is not a reason for annulment. Please read the teachings of Jesus on marriage again, but this time take out the needs of this world we live in; look at it in the eyes of what God has planned for us. There is exception for divorce in “unlawful” marriages only. If you do your homework you will see that in the 1st century the unlawful marriage would have been a Gentile style of marriage, brother and sister or man and cousin. This makes it “naturally unlawful”. It is not meant to be whatever reason this current world tells you it means.

The biggest question needs to be answered first, is this a sacramental marriage. After that you can seek your options.

Were you married in a religious ceremony with a minister and not a JP?

Are you and/or your ex-wife Catholic? If so, was there proper form to enable a sacramental marriage?

Is there reason to believe there were impediments in the beginning; i.e. pregnancy or a child? In other words, both had to approach the altar willingly and with free will to choose the matrimony.

If this was not a sacramental marriage, in the eyes of the Church you are not married, and an annulment is a matter of a formality, because your first marriage lacked form and matter. Form and matter are the essential to the validity of sacraments.

This is my personal opinion; this is an opportunity for you. I know that sounds stupid, but think of this dark time in your life as an opportunity to change. Look to God for the way to continue your journey through this life. Let Him make the remaining decisions in your life, you will be amazed where He will bring you!!!

This would be my suggestion; look into RCIA in your local area. I am sure there is a Catholic Church parish near you. Not saying you have to be Catholic, only to seek Him, let Him bring you peace. When you do this and get started, some of these questions probably will be asked, but most RCIA programs are different so they may not. Therefore, you seek out the answers, talk to the priest or deacon about these marital issues. Seek out the annulment of your previous marriage and then God will take care of the rest. He will have you meet someone and lead you to a sacramental marriage if He wants this, not if your want it. Believe me, from my experience it will not work if it is about what I want.

I am guilty of making some of the same mistakes you talk about, plus! I don’t know of any reason besides God that my wife stayed with me the first 15 years we were married. We now have something I never thought was possible; we didn’t make this happen He has. But it took us 4 years of dating and probably 15 years of denying it, but once God was brought into our marriage it has flourished. I know what you are thinking, I am a slow learner!

And, as far as the “she didn’t try hard enough” comment, it takes two to complete this marriage. She probably tried pretty hard for a while, I was lucky enough that my wife continued to try hard; most don’t.😊

Peace,
Gary
 
Mighty_Pawn said:
If I was the one who committed adultery ( not with another woman, but there was pornography, emotional abandonment and verbal abuse, which I’ve been told is a form of adultery) and my wife divorces me, (which she did) at any point in time am I allowed to remarry? I believe that I can’t but I’m not really familiar with what’s considered adultery and what God says about it. For the past year I’ve been trying to reconcile and there is NO way I could ever believe I could marry anyone else, but I’ve tried everything and she won’t give us another chance. I don’t think I will ever marry again and I feel so much remorse and shame, but if I ever wanted to again would I be able to? Straight answers, I want to know the truth. From what I’ve read in the Bible I cannot remarry, which is fine. I’ve reaped what I had sown. I just can’t see biblically how I could remarry without living in adultery. I’m posting in this sub forum because I’d like to hear both catholic and non catholic views.
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All sins are forgiveable, except blasphemy of the Holy Spirit. That includes looking at pornography, adultery (which you do not seem to have physically done) and all the rest. Now we don’t know the full situation, but it appears you are already divorced. That’s a given, I think, unless you are going through a divorce.

It also appears you’re wasting your time trying to get back with your wife (ex-wife?), since she’s not interested.

So the process for you is to get your sexual thought life under control, which will probably take the Holy Spirit’s cooperation anyway, as unless you are an extremely strong minded person, addictions are hard to break. You’ll need to do something about the tendency to verbal abuse, and emotional abandonment.

At the same time, get involved in a church, preferably Catholic, and start doing things for other people. Run a mile if a woman starts showing interest in you, since at such an early stage it will probably be the devil setting you up for more heartache and another disaster, which you don’t need.

You may find, after a few years, when Christ has started to change your character (it’s a joint effort mind you), God may lead you to someone else. That will be the time to make enquiries as to your marital status with the local priest. At the moment though you appear to be on the rebound, in the middle of a major crisis, and that is never a good time to make major decisions.
 
I’m a little confused.

Are you wanting a **Catholic **answer to this question? Are you considering entering the Catholic Church?

You’ve posted on the non-Catholic Religions forum, so you are likely to get 199+ different answers based on various denominations’ interpretations of the bible and their own denomination’s adherence (or not) to Christ’s teaching.
 
But you STOPPED looking at porn right? I mean completely, not even once a week or once a month or anything? Did you read a Theology of the Body book or anything by any chance? That could be helpful.
 
Yes, the pornography has stopped a long time ago. I went to rehab to deal with it and deal with my verbal and emotional abuse issues. This happened at the beginning of our separation a year and four months ago. Since then I’ve been diagnosed and put on meds that have cleared my mind greatly. I’ve been going to counseling weekly with a Christian counselor.

We were married by a pastor because both of us chose to. The was no pregnancy or any other reason that “forced” us to get married.

I go to church every Saturday at an SDA church not because I consider myself an Adventist anymore but that’s were I feel comfortable and where my childhood friends attend. And even though I don’t believe EGW and a lot of their other beliefs I still fell Gods love and grace when I go there. No matter what is said on these forums,SDA’s really do love God too.
 
Are you baptized? Baptism “clears the books” so to speak, if you are not baptized, and decide to do so in the future, you would be free to marry.
 
Matthew 5:32 (emphasis mine) says fairly clearly:
But I say this to you, everyone who divorces his wife, except for the case of an illicit marriage, makes her an adulteress; and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.
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Plain and simple, you cannot get into heaven if you are living in sin (unless, of course, you repent and receive a few Sacraments before death, but since we know not the hour at which that is…) & adultery is a sin. If you are divorced from your wife and it was a valid marriage to begin with (in God’s eyes), then you cannot (and should not) remarry under any circumstances.
 
I was baptized when I was 9. According to the lady I spoke with at the local catholic church being baptized in an SDA church is a valid baptism. Thanks for the straight up answer JD. I was thinking along the same line
. I just have a lot of friends that see it a different way and i started
to second guess.
 
Peace be to you in Christ Jesus:

Whether or not you can remarry all depends upon if whether or not your original marriage was valid. In order to answer that question, many things have to be factored into the marital equation. I would suggest to you to allow the Church to investigate the matter; you won’t really know until you ask.

This is one of those areas where ignorance can be a blessing in disguise; if you really don’t know what a “valid marriage is” then how can you be held accountable for it?

In other words, if you don’t really know what a valid marriage is then how could you have been validly married if you really didn’t know about all the blessings and responsibilities?

This is a benefit of our doctrine of invincible ignorance. If your ignorant, the ignorance may prove to your advantage; it may allow you to (not get married again), but be validly married for the first time to a new love of your life.

Like I said, there are a lot of things to factor in, at least before giving up hope.

Slight change of hue of topic…there seems to be some folks on here who don’t seem to be clear on some issues about marriage and divorce.

To clear up some misunderstandings:

A divorce is not a decree of disolution, it is only a political (in the secular sense) separation. No court has the authority to dissolve a valid marraige, they only think they do. After a divorce, the couple still remains married. In fact, a “Divorce” is only a “secular” license to commit polygamy. However, God and Church do not recognize the license; sequential or consecutive polygamy is still adultery.

An annulment is also not a decree of dissolution; it’s merely the rightful and justifiable recognition that a marriage was never valid to begin with.

No authority, principality or earthly power can actually dissolve a valid marriage, not even the Church can do that.

When Scripture talks about “unfaithfulness in marriage” Christ Jesus is not refering to a cheating spouse (that’s typically a Protestant misreading of Scripture), but instead refering to a couple shacked up living in sin that were never validly married to begin with; in other words, the courts can’t actually marry people either; they only think they can.

Hope this helps…
 
Mighty_Pawn said:
I was baptized when I was 9. According to the lady I spoke with at the local catholic church being baptized in an SDA church is a valid baptism. Thanks for the straight up answer JD. I was thinking along the same line
. I just have a lot of friends that see it a different way and i started
to second guess.
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You will feel amazing freedom when you go to confession. Focus on that. You are on the right track. Ask God to show you that He has made these rules because of His intense Love for you.

As for the marriage. Go through the annuelment process and work through it. You will find the process can actually help you heal. Find a Catholic Parish that makes you feel peace.

Prayers to the Mother of God for you.
 
Divorce is prohibited under the Catholic Church. The person who divorces under Civil Law is still married to his wife in the Catholic Church. When this person lives with another partner other than his wife or husband , he or she commits adultery. He can not receive Holy Communion until he goes to confession first. He must be free of sin.

A Catholic who remarries after divorcing in the civil courts of his state is still in an adulterous state until he gets his catholic marriage annulled in the Catholic church. The grounds for annullment include such conditions as a childless marriage, husband or wife is gay, or there exists no love between the two. My sister was granted an annulment based on the fact that her husband withheld information that he had a mental disorder called bipolar.

On the grounds that a divorced Catholic wants to receive Holy Communion, he or she must be free of any adulterous relationship and he or she did not perpetrate the divorce from the beginning. This comes from the latest Papal Encyclical of Pope John Paul II in 2003.
 
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