Removed Marriage Question

[OurLadyofSorrows1]

I am going to remove this entire post. I came here to talk about my marriage, which was done so lawfully in the sacrament of matrimony in the church. Now I have some questioning my marriage validity because of a question I asked about annulment in January? My marriage was annulled in February by Holy Mother Church and her respective tribunal in my diocese. The end. The questions are really just uncomfortable. I had spiritual and marital questions regarding this vocation. Not to get into or ask questions about my annulment. That is sincerely off pudding. Sorry. In charity- Deo Gratias.

 

[Lou2U]

I could be wrong, but it sounds to me as though he’s got confused over Catholic teaching and believes sex should be for procreation only. It’s a big red flag that he’s saying he feels you only want sex for pleasure. Could you ask him where he’s got that idea from? I think it would be an idea for you to talk to a Priest, if he won’t go. I’d also encourage you to talk to him about his views on sex in general, because something isn’t quite right. It could just be as simple as him needing a lot of romance and other intimacy (snuggling, kissing etc) before he feels comfortable moving forward physically. It could also be he’s finding it difficult to go from a mindset where sex is forbidden, to sex is not only encouraged but expected, if you see what I mean.

 

[Tis_Bearself]

You’ve been married for only 2 weeks. He might be scared or still adjusting to the idea of being married, and not want to tell you that. He might also be turned off by the idea of a wife pushing him for sex. Or think of sex as something that’s only for procreation and that you pushing him to do it other times is sinful or not how he expects a wife to act. Or even be upset/ turned off because you don’t want to just cuddle with him.

I would suggest you see if you can talk to your husband in an un-emotional, un-angry manner at some point during the daytime about sexual frequency.

I also agree with the suggestion for you to talk to a priest or deacon by yourself.

 

[EndTimes]

Hi everyone. I hope this isn’t tmi. I need help though. I just got married in the church. We courted for nearly eighteen months. Neither were virgins, as I am 30 and he’s 37. We lived out our chastity pretty well during courting and only messed up a few times in the very very beginning. Now we are married… suddenly he’s doesn’t want sex. We’ve been married for two weeks. First he said it was that he felt I just wanted sex for pleasure. Now he says he’s just tired or his head hurts.

This sounds just like what one might typically hear about ‘wives’

And now it sounds as if you’re suggesting he’s the only part of that situation …

That said: The root of that situation connects with either him, you, or both .

 

[MtnDwellar]

What Tis said. Matching libidos is a common problem within marriages. Males can be affected by factors that have nothing to do with the marriage or spouse. Stress can be a big one.

 

[Irishmom2]

I agree that two weeks is hardly enough time to be thinking there is truly a problem. It is a time for adjustment, getting the logistics of married life going, and getting to know each other better in a married way, as in spending all of your days and nights together. All of that togetherness takes some getting used to for some people.

My suggestion is to back off on arguing about your lack of intimacy for a bit. I don’t mean that you shouldn’t still want it, or seek it, just that you should take the “rejection” gracefully at the moment or bedtime will always be thought of as a tense and stressful time, certainly not a restful experience.

The other point mentioned was stress and depression. It can affect a man in a different way than a woman. It can cause withdrawal from his wife even when he loves her. Your husband may not be doing this to hurt you, he just may not know what to do with his feelings.

It may seem odd that a newly married man would be depressed, after all, it is supposed to be a happy time. But he may be secretly struggling with his job, his relationships, and his life in general, without saying anything to you about it.

 

[ItziaHurtado]

Hi First of all Congratulations on being married I have been married for almost 10 yrs and my first 3 mths were difficult to adjust. Sometimes in marriage we just have to let go and let God. Be there for him and see if he can open up to you. One of my parents suffered from abuse as a child and now after years praying why I felt uncomfortable or as if intimacy was a sin etc (lie from satan) Holy spirit revealed the amount of sin in my family line, (Generational) and somehow I received my mothers fear from the abuse she had from her own grandfather (he was a pedophile). I have fasted and prayed and holy spirit has brought so much insight to the answers I just could never get. If you haven’t fasted already I would really recommend you do so. Fasting can be food or even fasting from social media, worldly pleasures. Ask Holy spirit to reveal all of these things to you and I assure you he will give you the exact things to pray against. If he is not ready to see a priest it’s okay…FOr now.But I would say definitely as hard as it is put aside the hurt and the feelings of upset and let God overflow you with love to him and concern. Its normal to go through all of the adjustments. I personally felt at the beginning I had given up everything and him not much…(which was a lie) Adjustment is hard and both of you will go thru it in different ways. Find things that give you both peace. Rest on this issue for a bit and if it gets where it is for a long time then it’s def something that needs to be addressed. As intimacy is very important in a marriage. Find other ways to connect with him at least for now until you can see what is wrong. I pray that Holy spirit gives you all the answers and peace you need and may he bring communication and discernment to the both of you.

 

[1ke]

Now I’m married. This isn’t okay with me. I’m super angry, but equally hurt.

Counseling with your pastor or a Catholic therapist would be best. It seems it’s some sort of psychological thing going on with him.

What has he said when you have directly asked WTH?

I thought it was men who had this issue with their wives. Not wives having to beg and plead to have any loving from their husband.

This is a common myth, that women have low libido/interest in sex and men are always wanting it. Sometimes it’s the opposite.

But this sounds different from a difference in libido. Such a night and day interest before/after your vows points to something else entirely.

 

[RolandThompsonGunner]

Maybe he’s freaked out about the possibility of pregnancy? Getting married is already a big change. Maybe he finds the idea of adding parenthood right away overwhelming.

Edit: just reread about the fertility window so that’s probably not it.

 

[TheLittleLady]

Schedule an appointment with whomever did your pre-marital counseling.

 

[OurLadyofSorrows1]

All of you have interesting contributions and thoughts.

I didn’t actually tell my husband “wth”, rather I was thinking this in my mind. I simply responded, “no, that’s not what I said”. I explained to him that I would concede on not bringing it up and trying to spend more bonding time. So we have done that for the past week; snuggling without any sexual intercourse after, simply taking and laughing, I rubbed his shoulders and neck, watching a movie together and having some wine, etc. Last night I didn’t bring it up verbally. We were simply cuddling in bed and I rolled over and began attempting to be physically intimate by kissing and intimate touch. He pulled away from me and asked me what I was doing. I responded, “I’m sorry, I was in the mood”. He then responded his head hurt and let out a frustrating sigh and said his stomach hurt, and then said “I thought we weren’t going to do this for a while”. I said no that’s not correct. I didn’t say much after that. I rolled over, said okay, and I tried to go to sleep but admittedly laid there for some time wide awake and thinking about all of these things.

In one way, I believe marriage is not just a vocation but often times more than not, a sacrifice for our spouse, and sometimes it can be quite the cross to carry. I’m willing to do that. I just feel like it’s an ever changing reason to avoid sexual intercourse. Every time we discuss it, his reasons change. Ultimately, it results in tensions and frustrations which have led to small arguments. Then, now I am getting to the point out of physical frustration where I don’t want to “snuggle” because it just makes the desire increase and he lays there without any care in the world which just frustrates me all the more

 

[OurLadyofSorrows]

Congratulations on your marriage,
Time and patience for adjustment .It is a whole new life. Yes speak with your priest.
Be wary of what traditional Catholicism means. Being Catholic we are all living Tradition.

 

[Irishmom2]

You said you weren’t going to bring up and so you waited one week.

Again, I don’t think “in the moment“ is the time for the discussion. His asking you at that time of “I thought we weren’t doing this,” doing and your response of “no, that is not correct,” neither of those should have been said at the moment by either of you. Too much rejection and hurt feelings.

You two need to talk about this over a cup of coffee or while out on a walk somewhere, and not prefaced with a “we need to talk about our sex life” opening statement.

Have you asked your husband in general if anything is bothering him? If something is going on at work, or in his family? It may have nothing to do with rejecting you at all.

 

[OurLadyofSorrows1]

That’s the very problem dear: no matter what, it seems we cannot discuss the issue in any capacity or over coffee without it escalating into a severe argument. Knowing this, i said nothing last night. I waited until this morning until i was no longer emotional, and reduced my feelings and thoughts to a clear and concise note, in writing. Regrettably, he then came to me upset and frustrated anyways, despite my attempts to avoid conflict. It escalated, and unfortunately in anger, and frustration… I told him that had I known this was going to be so unnatural, such a stumbling block, that sex with your spouse was so undesirable and cumbersome, I’m not sure that I would have entered into this sacrament rather, we would have spent even more time working this out prior to. Not because sexual intercourse is the end all be all but because, it is so unitive, loving, beautiful and important in a marriage for reasons that are far beyond physical pleasure. After this morning, his new reason is because I am too aggressive, and I argue with him about everything. My response is that every single one of our arguments are due to his unwillingness to listen and to even try to understand my feelings, my heart and even my desires while I always feel like I’m on my knees and the one to blame for everything. I’m not sure. Today was left off by my suggesting that we simply separate from each other’s company, in the sense of not talking any further today. Taking the day and perhaps a few days to simply think and reflect. To pray, to fast and for me personally, to go to adoration. Admittedly, I feel so hurt and even angry at this time i don’t even want to look at him right now. I just want to be with Christ for a while in hopes perhaps he will help me to understand the reason for all of this.

 

[OurLadyofSorrows]

Allow some time, dont push things.Maybe the best response is ‘when you feel the time is right, when you are ready’. Allow him to take up the role of the leader in the marriage if it is a Trad itional marriage.

Patience, dont take or as rejection even though that is hard not to do.

 

[27lw]

Honestly, it sounds like you have been having a lot of intense conversations about this in just the two weeks since you’ve been married.
Did you get married with no family around during pandemic? Were you both okay with that decision? Is he a guy who just takes time getting used to things in general?

 

[1ke]

After this morning, his new reason is because I am too aggressive, and I argue with him about everything.

The shifting sands of his reasons, and particularly this one, is raising my spidey senses…

Was he extremely attentive and loving, demonstrative and romantic, before your marriage?

 

[blackforest]

Should I talk with a priest?

Yes. Please do. Consider a counselor, as well.

The shifting sands of his reasons, and particularly this one, is raising my spidey senses…

Was he extremely attentive and loving, demonstrative and romantic, before your marriage?

I agree. I feel like I’m seeing more red flags here than most other commenters. The fact that he gets extremely defensive when she brings the topic up, along with how his reasons and excuses keep changing, prickles my own spidey senses . . .

At best, there’s a serious problem in the marriage with open and honest communication. At worst, something else is going on under the surface. Either way, outside help is necessary.

 

[CF_Mathews]

It doesn’t look like anyone has mentioned covid-19. Is he afraid of intimacy for this reason? Definitely discuss it and get some counseling if you can’t work it out. You will be in my prayers.

 

[OurLadyofSorrows1]

No. It was a very small issue at one point in courting. He always said it was because he didn’t want to fall back into sin, which I understood and bought into. I agreed and didn’t want to be a source of temptation or stumbling block for him. We messed up that first month dating, and spent the next 16 months seriously courting and being chaste. So there was no snuggling or much affection because of that supposed temptation. Now we are married and the light is green and get, other than sharing a bed in the same space to speak, and snuggling, I don’t feel like much has changed.