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Wesrock
Guest
I am only speculating, and the reasons could be many other things, but I wonder if he was raised with very negative views of sex.
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goout
Guest
I don’t know your situation, so I am speaking generally.
You say your husband was interested in sex at one time and is able to have sex.
Now he is not interested.
Pornography is an epidemic issue for men especially, and it kills intimacy. I’m not saying you should go snooping, but it might be something you want to be aware of and maybe talk about.
There are signs; lack of interest with the married partner being one. Again, don’t want to cause a problem that’s not there, but the epidemic is out there and is toxic to marital intimacy.
You say your husband was interested in sex at one time and is able to have sex.
Now he is not interested.
Pornography is an epidemic issue for men especially, and it kills intimacy. I’m not saying you should go snooping, but it might be something you want to be aware of and maybe talk about.
There are signs; lack of interest with the married partner being one. Again, don’t want to cause a problem that’s not there, but the epidemic is out there and is toxic to marital intimacy.
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VonDerTann
Guest
Speaking as a guy (and a long-time-married one at that), I am going to apologize in advance as I don’t want to say anything hurtful, so I hope I get this out appropriately.
I must respectfully disagree with those posters who have advocated a “waiting period” or something similar (those are my words, not theirs; it’s their sentiment of “hold off for a bit” I’m speaking of.)
IMHO there is no reason for his behavior, and nothing is solved by just waiting; “talking about this later,” etc. I actually have no problem with you “saying what you said,” i.e., “had I known it was going to be like this, I’d have wanted to talk about it beforehand.”
Whatever his views on sex were, or are now, what he’s doing is hurtful; damaging; etc., and should be addressed RIGHT NOW; anything else, and a day will become a week which will become a month which will become a year.
For that matter, I am (sadly) very troubled by how quickly after the wedding he started essentially withholding sex (which is what he’s doing). It’s not like this happened after say 2 years or some other formative event, i.e., having a baby. The speed at which it happened, i.e. 2+ weeks, might almost make it appear to an outsider that he sort of married you under false pretenses, because you hit the nail on the head: Had you known all this just 6 weeks ago you might have responded very differently, and the very lack of other reasons for this makes it appear that he knew or should have known all along that his views on sex would be what they are.
So, IMHO this should be addressed in the open, preferably with a Catholic or at least Christian marriage counselor/therapist - and if he won’t go, better you know now than later so you can take whatever steps become necessary thereafter.
As I said, I apologize if this comes off as insensitive. That’s not my intent.
I must respectfully disagree with those posters who have advocated a “waiting period” or something similar (those are my words, not theirs; it’s their sentiment of “hold off for a bit” I’m speaking of.)
IMHO there is no reason for his behavior, and nothing is solved by just waiting; “talking about this later,” etc. I actually have no problem with you “saying what you said,” i.e., “had I known it was going to be like this, I’d have wanted to talk about it beforehand.”
Whatever his views on sex were, or are now, what he’s doing is hurtful; damaging; etc., and should be addressed RIGHT NOW; anything else, and a day will become a week which will become a month which will become a year.
For that matter, I am (sadly) very troubled by how quickly after the wedding he started essentially withholding sex (which is what he’s doing). It’s not like this happened after say 2 years or some other formative event, i.e., having a baby. The speed at which it happened, i.e. 2+ weeks, might almost make it appear to an outsider that he sort of married you under false pretenses, because you hit the nail on the head: Had you known all this just 6 weeks ago you might have responded very differently, and the very lack of other reasons for this makes it appear that he knew or should have known all along that his views on sex would be what they are.
So, IMHO this should be addressed in the open, preferably with a Catholic or at least Christian marriage counselor/therapist - and if he won’t go, better you know now than later so you can take whatever steps become necessary thereafter.
As I said, I apologize if this comes off as insensitive. That’s not my intent.
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CoffeeCatholic
Guest
Everything they said… plus: Just a thought - he’s 37. Does he take any prescription drugs? Many of them can interfere with libido and performance. Drugs for hair thinning strongly effect things like that so it doesn’t have to be prescriptions linked to depression or anything.
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Irishmom2
Guest
Yes, I saw that as well. In February the OP was waiting for a decision, from her marriage when she was 15, but two weeks ago she was married?
Where is this that is allowing a marriage without pre-marital classes, and able to schedule and have a wedding during a Pandemic?It’s all very odd.
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catholiclala
Guest
I thought maybe I’m the only one thinking this could be a factor (I have other theories, too but think the pandemic may be overlooked). I’m a chaste single and can’t even imagine the anxiety of intimacy with a partner right now. I know married couples and non-married couples and all seem to have continued with their intimate lives during this, or at least their humor has hinted at it. I’m not sure how I would feel about that. I don’t even want a hug right now. I admire couples who have proceeded with their weddings during this but what a strange time to get married.
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catholiclala
Guest
I agree. I get giving time and space but good grief, she is the only one sacrificing here and this is a huge issue. If I ever get into a serious, marriage-minded relationship, we are talking about sex before an engagement is thought about. I fear this issue because it is more common than people know.
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catholiclala
Guest
I get that, and like I said, I applaud those not letting this get in the way of marriage plans. I can just see how it may not be for everyone and people have different levels of comfort about being intimate right now. I think that’s ok, but one should be transparent about that if it’s the case. I have had guys try to date me right now and I’m discovering I’m not into it and that isn’t even necessarily implying a date, haha!
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OurLadyofSorrows1
Guest
This is really helpful. So thank you.
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OurLadyofSorrows1
Guest
You’re right. I will seek the counsel of a priest.
Also, my marriage prep was over 16 weeks long, and yes it did occur by a validly ordained priest within my respective diocese, and I had the full approval, ability and authority within the church to marry. My situation was entirely different- due to 1. The length of the time known to the priest as well as him. 2. The length of the courtship. 3. The true lack of consent in the prior marriage. And finally, the way we truly excelled in all areas of our pre cana and marriage prep inventory, scoring far over and beyond what most have before us. So yes… our situation was different. I get what you’re saying, but my question is about sexual intimacy within marriage. I believe the original post provided enough information regarding the state of the marriage that it wasn’t necessary to speculate about the validity of my marriage within the church, and the annulment that preceded it. To me it sounded as if you and the other were being unnecessarily speculative along with presuming something that really has nothing to do with this particular subject matter at hand.
Also, my marriage prep was over 16 weeks long, and yes it did occur by a validly ordained priest within my respective diocese, and I had the full approval, ability and authority within the church to marry. My situation was entirely different- due to 1. The length of the time known to the priest as well as him. 2. The length of the courtship. 3. The true lack of consent in the prior marriage. And finally, the way we truly excelled in all areas of our pre cana and marriage prep inventory, scoring far over and beyond what most have before us. So yes… our situation was different. I get what you’re saying, but my question is about sexual intimacy within marriage. I believe the original post provided enough information regarding the state of the marriage that it wasn’t necessary to speculate about the validity of my marriage within the church, and the annulment that preceded it. To me it sounded as if you and the other were being unnecessarily speculative along with presuming something that really has nothing to do with this particular subject matter at hand.
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OurLadyofSorrows1
Guest
Let me be even more specific… marriage prep was able to occur prior to a date being set. A date couldn’t be set until the annulment was finalized. A date was always proposed but never set in stone until the annulment was final. If that helps you any… so marriage prep was occurring long before any annulment because my priest understood my specific situation which yes, was highly unusual, highly irregular and was clear to all that it was absolutely invalid. Hope that helps. Thanks to everyone for responding! They were certainly helpful and God bless you all! In charity -
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Pattylt
Guest
I’m going to throw one more oddball idea out here and no need to answer, just consider it.
Some guys are very excited by forbidden fruit. The conquest of sex before marriage…once marriage is undertaken, the forbidden fruit aspect and conquest is no longer there…and sex is much less interesting. It’s a thought?
Some guys are very excited by forbidden fruit. The conquest of sex before marriage…once marriage is undertaken, the forbidden fruit aspect and conquest is no longer there…and sex is much less interesting. It’s a thought?
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OurLadyofSorrows1
Guest
Certainly so. I apologize for any misunderstanding. We were planning an out of state wedding where we were from, so that’s what I meant nothing can be planned, reserved or locked in, which was before the virus and things were booking up. So I was getting a bit anxiety thinking we wouldn’t be able to plan anything knowing the decision would come and be annulled, I just had no idea. Because the priest knew both of us individually for a very long time, and this priests former roommate who was a priest, who was my home parish priest (knew me very very well), he felt comfortable as he sat on the tribunal himself at one time and was familiar with the details of my case and communicating with the tribunal about my case so he was comfortable starting pre cana prior to the final annulment being awarded. And I am aware that this is not the norm and normally wouldn’t be the case for most because annulments are tricky and can go a variety of directions. In total our pre cana was still shorter than most, coming in at just around 6 weeks give or take a few days. It was certainly lighting fast from what I heard others have done or been requested to do. In all actuality, other than this specific issue we are having, my marriage is amazing, and so is my husband. We are perfectly aligned in all areas including roles and responsibilities, our faith, our goals with children and the church, home details and finance and more. So this is why I am a bit nervous about this subject as everything was so perfect and well aligned that I truly didn’t expect to have an issue in this area. It was equally shocking as it was hurtful.
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Minks
Guest
Please believe that I wish you the best possible results, and I do mean that sincerely. Please talk to your priest as soon as possible, with or without your husband.
I agree that you must talk with your husband about this situation, immediately, during the day, and when he can’t just walk off or drive off. He needs to tell you his problem so that he can get professional help and you can work on it together, if it is a psychological problem having to do with intimacy.
Once you’ve ruled out an intimacy/sin hangup and a physical problem, unfortunately, there are a few other ugly possibilities that should be considered for your physical, emotional, and financial safety.
In every case that I personally know about, the people involved would be considered upper middle class or higher in neighborhoods, education, employment, and social circles—no slobs in any way.
A con artist is a con artist because he’s truly a con artist. Con artists can’t be con artists unless they’re very, very good at conning. If this is what has happened, you aren’t at fault. You have millions of sisters—and brothers—across the world.
My heart aches for your deep sense of betrayal. I’ll keep you in my personal prayers. Please update us once in awhile. Best wishes to you.
I agree that you must talk with your husband about this situation, immediately, during the day, and when he can’t just walk off or drive off. He needs to tell you his problem so that he can get professional help and you can work on it together, if it is a psychological problem having to do with intimacy.
Once you’ve ruled out an intimacy/sin hangup and a physical problem, unfortunately, there are a few other ugly possibilities that should be considered for your physical, emotional, and financial safety.
- Is your husband’s job commensurate with yours? Your yearly incomes are in the same ballpark, or his tops yours? Or does he have trouble holding jobs? Is he frequently being laid off, or quitting for some reason? If he was “between jobs” before your marriage, did you pay his bills? If yes, was he okay with that, or was he truly exhausting every avenue to find employment?
- Are you independently well-off? Do you have a lot of money in savings and/or investments? Are you due to one day inherit a great deal of money, a lot of land, or investment shares? Do you have a large insurance policy which now names your husband as the beneficiary? Has your husband bought a high dollar insurance policy on your life? What about through his work? Are you absolutely certain? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you need to see a lawyer about a private investigator checking out your husband’s past and any outstanding debts or financial obligations that he’s not revealed to you. Are you a meal ticket?
- Is it possible that he’s addicted to porn? If so, it’s highly unlikely that he will change. See your priest and an attorney, at least, to protect your finances, as porn addicts keep doling out more dough for their porn material, often racking up thousands of dollars in debt.
- Is it possible that your husband is homosexual or a pedophile? He won’t change; he’ll only take more efforts to conceal his problems. Again, see your priest and an attorney.
In every case that I personally know about, the people involved would be considered upper middle class or higher in neighborhoods, education, employment, and social circles—no slobs in any way.
A con artist is a con artist because he’s truly a con artist. Con artists can’t be con artists unless they’re very, very good at conning. If this is what has happened, you aren’t at fault. You have millions of sisters—and brothers—across the world.
My heart aches for your deep sense of betrayal. I’ll keep you in my personal prayers. Please update us once in awhile. Best wishes to you.
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mrsdizzyd
Guest
He might be having a hard time adjusting to sex being a permitted activity. For some people, it is hard to turn off the impulse to avoid sex after a long period of time.
For some, things return to normal after a period of time. For others, counseling might be require to normalize their relationship with sex.
For some, things return to normal after a period of time. For others, counseling might be require to normalize their relationship with sex.
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