Replaying old sins in my head

[rosemerry]

Background: To start, I don’t think this has to do with scrupulosity, but sort of how we tend to replay mistakes in our heads over and over. It’s a long story, but I replay conversations with a guy whom I liked; several of our conversations were lustful for both of us.

More background: We stopped having that kind of conversation one year ago, and we remained friends for several months after, but there was tension and some fighting until he ended things with me. I still struggled with feelings for him during that time. We stopped talking altogether in August. Apart from this experience, I have never had a guy express feelings for me especially as strongly as this guy did. So I think that explains the lingering attachment.

My problem now: When I feel unlovable or undesirable, I think back on these conversations, often the lustful ones, because I feel desirable again. But at the same time, replaying these conversations causes me to hold on to hurts that I really want to move past. I try not to think about it, but they just have a way of popping into my head. So, when they do, I dwell.

**Question about confession: **I confessed the original conversations a year ago, and am technically free from that sin. However I’m wondering if I’m recommitting my sins when I think back on them? People have a tendency to look back at past relationships and think about the good and bad, though, so maybe that’s what I’m doing? I haven’t brought it up in confession because I’m not sure if it’s sinful to replay a past sin in your head. Part of me wants to mention it to a priest, as I’ve never been able to tell anyone about the situation in full. I want to talk to someone, but I’m too ashamed to mention it to friends. Plus, confession provides confidentiality and spiritual healing. However, my priest has told me before, “confess sins and be done with them.” I hesitate to mention it because I don’t want to seem crazy or scrupulous. So, confession may not be the right outlet for this. In sum, this situation weighs on me often and not sure how to get past it.

Opinions please. God bless.

 

[Exiled_Child]

First, I’m sorry you had a falling out with your friend; I can certainly relate. Second, I really encourage you to investigate meditation. There are many varieties, but if you seek for something specifically Catholic you will definitely find what you’re after. Please don’t hesitate to PM me for specifics. Anyhow, this is without question the most practical solution to what you’re experiencing, although it will seem strange to you at first. When we learn to meditate we learn silence, and from this every aspect of our lives deepens and changes. It’s the best thing a person can do for themselves, and it doesn’t take that long to see results. Unfortunately though, the truth sometimes doesn’t sound true or seem plausible, and so people rarely make the effort to investigate and confirm for themselves. But I really encourage you to actually try this. When we find a way to make this practice a brief daily habit, we quickly develop an altogether new type of strength or “muscle,” one having to do with inner silence. If you decide to go down this path you’ll find that your attention skyrockets. When you read a book, for instance, your mind will focus like a laser on what your reading, because you will have a natural skill at silencing all the endless inner distractions, chains of thought, recollections of past hurts and painful events, etc. I’m unsure how to explain it in a lucid, precise way, but silence is a skill which changes everything.

 

[DeniseNY]

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and to tell you the truth, I’m experiencing something similar. I tend to be OCD and I can get a thought into my head (in this case, long ago sins) and I can’t let go of them. I’ve again started the Mary, Undoer of Knots Novena to help me with this. I’m on day 7 and it’s been remarkably helpful in helping me the “knot” of how my mind sometimes works.

 

[Dorothy]

Prayers to our Blessed Mother to intercede for you will definitely help, and then with the grace of God you can discuss with your confessor.

May our Lord Jesus Christ and His Blessed Mother be with you on your spiritual journey!

 

[sticknstring73]

Also in a similar boat of replaying past sins. May God have mercy on us

 

[St_Francis]

Replaying in the head like that is to be avoided. What helps me is to treat it like a temptation. Does gently wafting the thoughts away work? Great.

If not, if they are persistent, then I pray to Jesus, to Mary, to St Michael, and to my Guardian Angel. I do this until the thoughts go away. if/when the thoughts return, I pray the same way again.

Sometimes the thoughts go away for a while, then return in a different form. It can be hard to recognize what is happening, but once I do, back I go to praying.

Also, my priest has been helpful with this, esp recognizing the new permutations!

 

[St_Francis]

…My problem now: When I feel unlovable or undesirable, I think back on these conversations, often the lustful ones, because I feel desirable again…

The fact that you do this to feel desirable is to me a sign that this is not a good thing to do. God wants us to feel good about ourselves because we are His children, not because someone thinks we are sexy, right?

You should talk over your policy of confessing with your priest. Some are scrupulous, and so should not confess everything they think might be a sin, but for others, this can work as a policy. This should *definitely *be decided in person with a real, live priest!

 

[rosemerry]

Thank you everyone for the thoughtful replies! So appreciated.

 

[rosemerry]

The fact that you do this to feel desirable is to me a sign that this is not a good thing to do. God wants us to feel good about ourselves because we are His children, not because someone thinks we are sexy, right?

You’re so right; and I realize my train of thought is unhealthy. I definitely have to grow in my acceptance of God’s love.

 

[rosemerry]

I’m sorry you’re going through this, and to tell you the truth, I’m experiencing something similar. I tend to be OCD and I can get a thought into my head (in this case, long ago sins) and I can’t let go of them. I’ve again started the Mary, Undoer of Knots Novena to help me with this. I’m on day 7 and it’s been remarkably helpful in helping me the “knot” of how my mind sometimes works.

Thanks Denise. I hate to hear you’re going through something like it. I have some OCD tendencies too, though never have been diagnosed; it can mean thinking thoughts that I don’t want to. The novena is an excellent idea!

 

[DeniseNY]

Thanks Denise. I hate to hear you’re going through something like it. I have some OCD tendencies too, though never have been diagnosed; it can mean thinking thoughts that I don’t want to. The novena is an excellent idea!

You’re welcome! I’ve struggled with this all my life, and the best word to describe it is “tortuous”. I really do recommend the novena I mentioned! Over the last few months, it has helped me immeasurably with things.