Request for guidance about brother's fiance

[jecasa21]

Hello, my older brother is getting married in one month to a woman he has been with just over a year. She makes him happy, but the rest of us miserable. My brother, his wife, my mother, my husband and I all have tried to focus on her positive attributes, but it is increasingly difficult. She is untruthful, negative, mean, and complains constantly. On top of that, she is extremely sensitive and holds grudges for years. She does not display this behavior in front of my brother. A few of us have had discussions with him about the pending marriage, but have been very careful not to “bad mouth” his fiance. We are very concerned for his happiness and our family relationship after the marriage takes place. We understand that it can be difficult to join a family, and have made many attempts to make her feel welcome and comfortable. Additionally, my sister-in-law and I are in the wedding party (two bridesmaids have dropped out already). One might say that it is just the stress of the wedding, but the behaviors have been taking place long before the engagement.

I would greatly appreciate any thoughts and guidance. Thank you.

 

[Altesse]

Hello, my older brother is getting married in one month to a woman he has been with just over a year. She makes him happy, but the rest of us miserable. My brother, his wife, my mother, my husband and I all have tried to focus on her positive attributes, but it is increasingly difficult. She is untruthful, negative, mean, and complains constantly. On top of that, she is extremely sensitive and holds grudges for years. She does not display this behavior in front of my brother. A few of us have had discussions with him about the pending marriage, but have been very careful not to “bad mouth” his fiance. We are very concerned for his happiness and our family relationship after the marriage takes place. We understand that it can be difficult to join a family, and have made many attempts to make her feel welcome and comfortable. Additionally, my sister-in-law and I are in the wedding party (two bridesmaids have dropped out already). One might say that it is just the stress of the wedding, but the behaviors have been taking place long before the engagement.

I would greatly appreciate any thoughts and guidance. Thank you.

If they have been together for over a year, he is aware of her behavior, but in his book her good qualities outweigh the bad.

My advice:

Keep up your attempts to make her feel welcome.

Don’t gossip about her in the family…she will find out.

Disregard the moods and complaints as much as possible.

If she lies or is mean to you, confront her directly but discreetly.

Basically, treat her like you want her to treat you.

I’ll bet you that eventually she will get it.

Your brother is a big boy. If he wants to marry her you have nothing to say.

If it doesn’t work out. Tell him you are sorry, but never say “I told you so.”

 

[Trishie]

I feel very much for you all in the anxiety and disappointment you all feel.

If your brother doesn’t see the problems but adores her he will only be alienated from you all so ther’s not much to do but pray and be as open and kind as you can. This woman may cause alienation anyway, so I do feel very much for you all.

All of us in my family were awfully concerned when our sister married a man we could all see could only bring unhappiness. Any attempts to alert her to the difficulties only made her more determined to marry him. [It ended in divoce and annulment and she since has had a happy life.]

You say that your brother’s fiancee 'is untruthful, negative, mean, and complains constantly. On top of that, she is extremely sensitive and holds grudges for years." You could tell you brother that’s how you find her but it probably won’t do any good, only harm. He will find out soon enough sadly.

However, it may be that your brother is the person who is able to help her grow from this damaged personality into a more wholesome person. Please God his love and goodness wil help to promote this maturing and healing process. God grant it will be so. God please help her to grow to seek and appreciate the needs and loveability of others, like your family.

Altesse gives very good advice.

God bless you, Trishie

 

[stayathomemom]

Sigh…I could have written your post.

I am going through an extremely difficult time with my brother who married someone he knew for a period of only 6 months. I could tell you tons of stories of the manipulation his wife has put our family through, but I don’t want to bore you with my novel.

Let’s just say that they have a child together, and if we don’t cater to her she will not let us see the child. So, my mom does as she says so she can maintain a relationship with her grandchild. My Dad doesn’t. My other brother doesn’t. I don’t. My brother hasn’t spoken to me in 5 years. This saddens me, but I will not be bullied around by two grown adults.

My brother has been married for 7 years now to this woman, and we found out in January that he had been having a very lengthy affair with another woman he had met during a business trip. My Mom was embarrased and very upset and disappointed with my brother (she didn’t tell him that though because of the child) because she didn’t raise us that way. I don’t know where their relationship will go because of this, but I can tell you that my brother looks very unhappy everytime I see him.

My advice to you is to stay out of your brother’s married life, and don’t offer any advice - even if he asks for it. I know this is hard to do and it is VERY hard to sit back and watch someone you love make a huge mistake, but silence is best. And alot of patience too. Don’t worry, in time if this is a huge mistake he will soon realize it. Miserable people can’t stay miserable the rest of their lives…that’s no way to live.

 

[jecasa21]

Thank you Altesse, Trishie, and Stayathomemom, for your thoughts and suggestions. I guess I already knew the answers I would get, but was hoping there would be some way to make it all better and normal again. You all have given good advice and I intend to take it. It is comforting to know that there are such caring people in this world, thank you. I will support my brother, be nice to the soon to be sister-in-law, and try to let things be.

Jessica