Request for thoughts on family relationships

[crenfro]

Hello.

This past October I visited my parents and older sister. I got very upset because my mother wouldn’t let me dry my sweater in the dryer - I couldn’t stop crying - then my mother told me to leave because I was disrupting her home and that she was going to talk to a lawyer and disinherit me. I had traveled across the county by bus to see them after 5 years.

I am in my early fifties and my mom is 83, my dad is 93, my sister is in her late fifties.

I have another older sister in her mid-fifties who never calls or rarely even acknowledges my existence though I send her and her family members birthday cards - I’ve found that if I do any more than that I get resentful.

While I packed my mom came in and started to unpack while I packed, telling me what I was doing was silly.

I have a mental illness and I am not all that good of a person. But ever since this visit I don’t want to talk to them. I reply to their phone messages by mail. I don’t know if I’m protecting myself or holding a grudge right now.

Then I wonder if I’m dishonoring my parents.

Yesterday was my birthday and all sorts of crazy feelings came crashing in. Though I know they said they disinherited me it really hurt too that there was no present or a card or anything the day before. Also yesterday they left a happy birthday message on my machine that I trembled as I listened to it. I got irritated with my husband too then I wonder what I’d do if I had to put up with a person like myself.

I’m very prone to resentment and nursing grudges. I’ve been reading the book The Hidden Power of Kindness and I look at myself and see a very base, selfish, petty little person in myself.

I feel so hurt and confused, yet the older I get the more frightened I am of being hurt and it’s a struggle to reach out in kindness to others.

I am very blessed with an understanding husband and the best doggie in the world.

Just wish I were a better person but yet I’m not.

I go to weekly Mass, Confession, Adoration - you know, the things we’re all supposed to do anyway as Catholics and daily prayer, but yet I’m not too good.

Also, the neighbor moved out downstairs - the one who’d yell at her children for two hours on end with obscenities and was having relations with a man obviously not her husband who’d also yell at her children with even worse obscenities - probably because I called the police for child abuse and noise complaints - at least 1 complaint a week, sometimes 3 -the music was always far too loud - and I feel so guilty for treating someone like this to the point of moving out yet I couldn’t tolerate the behavior.

Saw my psychiatrist about 3 weeks ago and all I could do was cry and she didn’t even charge me for the appointment because I was so low. Just saw my therapist on Friday and I felt so hopeless too.

I feel like I can’t even do a good job with failure and self-pity, then I know my mood can change in an instant and I’ll be okay.

I guess I want to say be careful how we treat each other, especially in our own families, because families can get so damaged as well as damage each individual.

 

[4love2God]

crenfro said** : “I want to say, be careful how we treat each other, especially in our own families, because families can get so damaged, as well as damage each individual.”**

OK, now you said it to us (thanks).

Our Family is where we learn how to relate to the Outside World.
It is also the place where we develop most of our Emotional Dysfunctions.

Then, when I am an Adult, those relationships quiet down (especially when I get Married, and have my own kids, and begin to pass on some of my Emotional Dysfunction onto a new Generation).

The BEST a person can do in his young Life is make it through with only Confusion and Annoyance.
For the rest of us (including me), it is easy to come through Adolescence with Deranged views of many aspects of Adult Life.
So, I “was sure” about how to handle MANY Situations.

After I got Married, I (at first) reacted like my Parents did at certain events.
My Wife did not seem to respond in ways I expected.
BOY, I had to change several aspects of the husband-wife interaction.

As kids grow into becoming “Real” humans (3 to 4), I begin passing on the “wisdom” of child-rearing that I was taught.
But, on a regular basis, it was obvious that I wasn’t doing it RIGHT.

The easiest thing to do is, just Repeat the stupid way I was taught about Growing UP.

---

So, crenfro, I have some understanding of what you are sharing here.
It is too bad that you and the Family can’t get along these days.
I imagine this is ONE reason you waited 5 years since your Last Visit.

I admire how you have handled this … NO Phone Calls.
Because, then you have time to think about how to respond to your Parents.
Yes, sending a Letter allows you to respond in your Best available way.

 

[Annie39]

Hello.

This past October I visited my parents and older sister. I got very upset because my mother wouldn’t let me dry my sweater in the dryer - I couldn’t stop crying - then my mother told me to leave because I was disrupting her home and that she was going to talk to a lawyer and disinherit me. I had traveled across the county by bus to see them after 5 years.

I am in my early fifties and my mom is 83, my dad is 93, my sister is in her late fifties.

I have another older sister in her mid-fifties who never calls or rarely even acknowledges my existence though I send her and her family members birthday cards - I’ve found that if I do any more than that I get resentful.

While I packed my mom came in and started to unpack while I packed, telling me what I was doing was silly.

I have a mental illness and I am not all that good of a person. But ever since this visit I don’t want to talk to them. I reply to their phone messages by mail. I don’t know if I’m protecting myself or holding a grudge right now.

Then I wonder if I’m dishonoring my parents.

Yesterday was my birthday and all sorts of crazy feelings came crashing in. Though I know they said they disinherited me it really hurt too that there was no present or a card or anything the day before. Also yesterday they left a happy birthday message on my machine that I trembled as I listened to it. I got irritated with my husband too then I wonder what I’d do if I had to put up with a person like myself.

I’m very prone to resentment and nursing grudges. I’ve been reading the book The Hidden Power of Kindness and I look at myself and see a very base, selfish, petty little person in myself.

I feel so hurt and confused, yet the older I get the more frightened I am of being hurt and it’s a struggle to reach out in kindness to others.

I am very blessed with an understanding husband and the best doggie in the world.

Just wish I were a better person but yet I’m not.

I go to weekly Mass, Confession, Adoration - you know, the things we’re all supposed to do anyway as Catholics and daily prayer, but yet I’m not too good.

Also, the neighbor moved out downstairs - the one who’d yell at her children for two hours on end with obscenities and was having relations with a man obviously not her husband who’d also yell at her children with even worse obscenities - probably because I called the police for child abuse and noise complaints - at least 1 complaint a week, sometimes 3 -the music was always far too loud - and I feel so guilty for treating someone like this to the point of moving out yet I couldn’t tolerate the behavior.

Saw my psychiatrist about 3 weeks ago and all I could do was cry and she didn’t even charge me for the appointment because I was so low. Just saw my therapist on Friday and I felt so hopeless too.

I feel like I can’t even do a good job with failure and self-pity, then I know my mood can change in an instant and I’ll be okay.

I guess I want to say be careful how we treat each other, especially in our own families, because families can get so damaged as well as damage each individual.

Just a couple of thoughts. If I were in your situation I would avoid contact with my family at least for the foreseeable future even if it were all my fault. As I see it things could only get worse if you remain in contact. Also I would ask my counselor if he/she would recommend anti—depression meds

 

[mommy_k]

When a mother sees their child in distress, they try to ease the pain, not add to it. If your mother knows that you have a gentle spirit, why would she say such harsh things? I believe it has nothing to do with you. I believe it is a problem she has.

Pray for your mother, she needs your prayers.