Required to be Catholic before marriage part 2

[Jbl5970]

I’m sorry to post this again but my thread was closed and I needed more guidance… New edit is at the bottom.

Hello all. I am really hoping for some insight here. My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years now. We have talked about marriage for a few years now. I love him very much.
On a recent trip together, he expressed that he would not marry me unless I converted to a catholic. His reasoning is that I don’t really have a direction in my faith walk and I don’t read my bible as often as I should. I don’t have a commitment to any one faith as a Christian. How was I going to raise catholic children if I don’t know how to be Catholic? He says its for the kids.
Now I feel as though I have to convert to marry him. I am deeply hurt by this. In the beginning, he said it did not matter that I wasn’t a catholic. He has put this requirement on me and it feels more like an obligation. I don’t want to feel like my walk with God as an obligation! I would never ask something like this from him… I feel like my deep love and respect for him is now not enough. Someone please help me! I don’t know what to do…

Edit: I should mention here that we do live together. We actually bought the house we live in together. We also bought a truck together as well. It is not as simple as leaving. (6 years together and I can’t imagine life without him!)

Edit #2 thank you all for the support! I have gone to see a priest as you all suggested. He said it was not an unreasonable request. He likened it to before marrying a drunkard you would say to be sober or I’m not marrying you. I find my emotions swing wildly with this. Sometimes I’m totally ok with it all and others I’m very very upset. He said its because he loves me so much that he wants to share in the sacrament of marriage with me as an active participant. I can’t help feeling that my hand is being forced and my conversion is a false one because the need to become catholic did not originate as a calling from God but as a need to placate him to be married…

 

[stpurl]

Ok. Well first, Catholics are Christians. So if you are a Christian, you can be a Catholic Christian.

You haven’t said what you’re converting ‘from’? You call yourself "Christian’. Do you attend a particular Church? Do you have particular faith traditions? What about them is wildly different from the Catholic faith traditions? Do you have poor understanding of Catholic traditions, or poor understanding of your own, which might make it look as though one or the other is a problem when they really are not?

Since you are looking ahead to being a family, it comes down to both knowledge and trust. It sounds, to be frank, as though you don’t really trust him.

But look at it from his perspective. Perhaps he has become more inspired to be a good Catholic Christian husband and father. In doing so he has realized that, for the sake of the family, it is best when all are the same particular faith. That makes a lot of sense because you already see that you don’t agree with him now. Imagine how much more ‘invested’ you would be with doing and being what you want if you had children to consider. That’s exactly how he feels.

Now it is entirely possible for two people of different faiths to have a happy married life together and to raise happy children. Possible, but it is, all things considered, harder to do than it is for two people of the same faith to do so. All things considered. There are certainly cases where people of the same faith have been unhappy, divorced etc. But we aren’t really talking about the ‘exceptions’ here. We are talking two particular people, you and your fiance. It may be quite possible for you to marry and be happy, but your fiance has already recognized the difficulty with ‘two faiths’ and he is concerned. Therefore, that means you, as his possible wife-to-be, need to be concerned as well and to make sure that you both know everything you should about the Catholic faith and about married life and what it entails.

I think it would be a good idea for you to take RCIA (the rite of Christian (see?) Initiation for adults). Either you will decide, when you know about Catholicism, to become Catholic. . .or you won’t. But you will have all the tools you need to make the decision, unlike now.

If you decide to become Catholic, then you can also decide whether to marry him or not.

If you don’t decide to become Catholic, then it looks as if you won’t marry him based on how he feels, but if you don’t decide to become Catholic, you won’t want to marry him anyway because you’ll be rejecting his faith, which is a big part of who he is.

 

[1ke]

I can’t help feeling that my hand is being forced and my conversion is a false one because the need to become catholic did not originate as a calling from God but as a need to placate him to be married…

Which is why you should not live with him, be financially entangled with him, or have sex with him before marriage.

His demands are a huge red flag, and it will be difficult but you need space away from him and time to see things objectively.

Do not marry him because you have a house or a truck together, these are just things. They can be sold. You can move out and get some objective distance from each other.

He needs to accept you as you are. If you are drawn to the Catholic faith, great. But if you are not then you should not convert.

Stop having sex and find somewhere else to live. See if what you have with him holds up when you are not in a dependent position.

 

[TheLittleLady]

He said it was not an unreasonable request. He likened it to before marrying a drunkard you would say to be sober or I’m not marrying you

Likening non-Catholics to alcoholics is likely the WORST analogy I have ever heard! I am so sorry.

 

[ajg]

I believe I said this in your first post, but just to be sure, I’ll state it again.

My wife is Southern Baptist and it has created numerous difficulties in our relationship. She comes from a very anti-Catholic area too. I told her not to convert unless she wanted to. If I force her, then there is no reason to convert. It needs to be because she WANTS to convert.

I agree with a reply that states it is borderline abuse. He should not manipulate you into converting.

My suggestion is to attend mass with him. Observe how life would be to be Catholic. With y’all living together, he is not setting a good example as a Catholic. If you want to learn more about the catholic faith, read these two books: Rome Sweet Home by Scott Hahn and Why We’re Catholic by Trent Horn

 

[TC3033]

Jbl5970:

He said it was not an unreasonable request. He likened it to before marrying a drunkard you would say to be sober or I’m not marrying you

Likening non-Catholics to alcoholics is likely the WORST analogy I have ever heard! I am so sorry.

Um…ya, I’m glad I’m not the only one who picked up on that. I couldn’t imagine talking to a priest and having him compare me not being Catholic to that of being a alcoholic

 

[TC3033]

OP, I’ve been in a “mixed” marriage for 14 years now we have 3 great kids and really haven’t run into any issues. The only issues we’ve run into is how I can sometimes be treated at church.

Are you baptized? Only reason I ask is “He said its because he loves me so much that he wants to share in the sacrament of marriage with me as an active participant.” How would you not be an active participant in the sacrament of marriage. I’m not Catholic, but I’m pretty sure I’m an active participant…

I just find it strange that it wasn’t an issue 6 years ago and he accepted and loved you as you are to now all of a sudden it’s a deal breaker. Is he getting cold feet? If not I defiantly agree that it’s manipulative…at best.

 

[Jbl5970]

Stpurl- I am a Christian. I was raised in the Catholic faith until I was about 12 I think. My mom, who was a catholic, decided that she no longer believed what Catholics believe (all the usual disagreements). So it is not like I am opposed to the Catholic faith. I even promised to raise our kids Catholic! It was just out of the blue that he had asked this of me. I only managed to get him to tell me because i was asking if he set up the marriage encounter classes yet.
He was actually a seminarian for I think 4 years before he got out of it. So we’ve had many discussions about his faith as a catholic.
It is hard to be told that now I have to be something to be marriex to him when in the beginning he well knew about my own nondenominational faith as a Christian.
If was inspired to be a better Catholic, he never mentioned it to me. He still lives with me, sleeps with me with absolutely no problem.
I see what you are saying tho. Had I known this 6 years ago, things might have been different…

 

[Jbl5970]

TheLittleLady–Thank you for acknowledging that. I thought the exact same thing…

 

[Jbl5970]

Ajg—But see I am not anti catholic. I already promised to raise the kids Catholic…
I was thinking the same tho on the converting part. I feel like it is false because of all this. The priest said God would acknowledge that conversion despite what I believe because it is an act of faith. I think I need a second opinion with a different priest…
I have attended mass with him on several occasions. Hes already openly said he doesn’t like me going to a different church.
Thank you for the books.

 

[TC3033]

Ajg—But see I am not anti catholic. I already promised to raise the kids Catholic…
I was thinking the same tho on the converting part. I feel like it is false because of all this. The priest said God would acknowledge that conversion despite what I believe because it is an act of faith. I think I need a second opinion with a different priest…
I have attended mass with him on several occasions. Hes already openly said he doesn’t like me going to a different church.
Thank you for the books.

You’ve thrown up some big red flags in this thread, and IMHO it’s with him…not with you. Has this particular bolded sentiment been there for the full 6 years of the engagement, or is this something that has also come up recently?

Will he forbid you from going to church with your family (if they indeed go to a non-Catholic church)? Will he just not go while you do, then read you the riot act when you get home because he “doesn’t like it”. Those are some questions that I would pose back.

My wife has never approached me about conversion and loves my church on the occasions we go. In fact, my MIL converted for my FIL before they got married, and it has been a decision that she has regretted due to the flack she has caught from the church for attending her Mother’s non-Catholic church with her.

He can’t go into a marriage on the hopes that someone changes, especially when it comes to conversion such as this. I still think something sounds off where throughout the whole engagement he said that he had no issue with you being non-Catholic to having such an issue with it he doesn’t even like you going to your church…and that it’s “for the kids…”

I’m still stuck on the priest comparing non-Catholic Christians to drunks…that absolutely floored me.

 

[ajg]

I agree on getting advice from another priest. Pray on it and God Bless you

 

[stpurl]

Thank you for your response. You were raised Catholic? If you were baptized Catholic, then you are Catholic. If you have then lapsed, then I can see his point more clearly because to him, he isn’t asking you to ‘become’ Catholic from another Christian faith, he’s asking you to return to your Catholic faith. That is a little different. He’s become not just a ‘Catholic in name only’ but a committed Catholic, and he wishes you, as a Catholic, to become a committed Catholic again.

It would be a lot harder for the two of you as parents to raise children Catholic when, "Mommy WAS Catholic but she disagrees with the faith and she decided to become Protestant’. Don’t you see how this sets up the idea that one can just ‘pick and choose’ and that the faith is not important, you can ‘be’ what you want to be, you can reject it for something else and that’s ‘just as good’? That is relativism and indifferentism and it’s a scourge of the times.

I do think it’s good that this came out before marriage. I do see a lot of misery if you marry, thinking as you do now. You see his wishing you to return to something you rejected as coercion and unfair to your ‘side’, he sees it as wanting you to experience the fullness of faith again so that the two of you can be united in this and raise up children in it. It’s not a question of a time like, "He was ok with it for years and NOW he wants to change’, it’s a question of, "he didn’t see the full truth at first and NOW he wants to live and share the truth’.

As I said, knowing you were raised Catholic and presumably baptized Catholic makes a huge difference in the whole situation.

 

[TC3033]

It would be a lot harder for the two of you as parents to raise children Catholic when, "Mommy WAS Catholic but she disagrees with the faith and she decided to become Protestant’. Don’t you see how this sets up the idea that one can just ‘pick and choose’ and that the faith is not important, you can ‘be’ what you want to be, you can reject it for something else and that’s ‘just as good’? That is relativism and indifferentism and it’s a scourge of the times.

I would say “could” not necessarily an absolute would. I’ve read so many threads that say there are so many absolute issues with mixed marriages (kids and faith being one), and we haven’t run into them. The only issues with run into is how I can be treated by my wife’s church (which is a whole other thread).

OP, to make a mixed marriage work it’s about respect and having respect for each other. My wife and I both respect how each other (and their family) worship, and that’s really all you can ask for. I think we would really struggle as a couple and a family if my wife were to constantly be on me about conversion.

The point that you were Catholic once (from what it sounds like) does make your situation a bit different, but I also think your fiance does have the wrong idea about “mixed” marriages and how they work.

 

[Jbl5970]

Stpurl-- I was baptized, had my first communion and confession when I was younger. I am not confirmed as of now.
There is no asking- its you will or no marriage. That it my issue. Maybe in the future I would be confirmed. I was def more open to it. As far as being a better Catholic - he still lives with me (among other things) and didn’t go to church unless I went with him or if I asked him to go. I feel he is judging my ‘Christianness’ and finding it lacking.
As far as children go, I already promised to raise them in the church. I would never disagree with him in front of the children. He is the head of the spiritual house hold. Besides he is already picking and choosing what rules of the church to follow.
I simply want him to respect my right to choose. He is forcing my hand and that is just selfish to me.
So just because I don’t believe EVERYTHING he does, I’m rejecting his faith? I have respect him and his faith. I would never ask him to change it foe me. Again it is not wiahing or asking, he gave me an ultimatum…
I don’t see why we would not be a united front for the kids. I support and respect his decision to raise them catholic and would do my part to help see to that.
When we first dated he told me over and over that it didn’t matter that I was not catholic. The only thing he said was to make sure the kids are raised catholic. I agreed to this.

 

[Jbl5970]

Tc 3033- he has been asking me about conversion a lot before all this mess. I don’t think he respects or trusts me enough to take me at my word.
The sad thing is is that this isn’t the only issue we have as a couple. It just happens to be the biggest thing. We have been engaged for 4 years (This year makes 5) now with marriage continually being postpone for one reason or another. I guess I feel like he is making excuses to not be married.
The bolded statement started a yr ago I think… He gets all huffy when I say I’m going with mom. Says why can’t we go to his church. And that I get the wrong influence or message.
I am kind of upset with the alcoholic analogy…

 

[TC3033]

Tc 3033- he has been asking me about conversion a lot before all this mess. I don’t think he respects or trusts me enough to take me at my word.
The sad thing is is that this isn’t the only issue we have as a couple. It just happens to be the biggest thing. We have been engaged for 4 years (This year makes 5) now with marriage continually being postpone for one reason or another. I guess I feel like he is making excuses to not be married.

I didn’t want to say it, I don’t personally know you and haven’t witnessed your situation, but…that’s what it sounds like to me too.

The bolded statement started a yr ago I think… He gets all huffy when I say I’m going with mom. Says why can’t we go to his church. And that I get the wrong influence or message.
I am kind of upset with the alcoholic analogy…

Do you go to his church though as well…most of the time…once in a while…?

What did he think of the analogy, does he know? My wife would be furious. There have been priests and other leaders that look down upon NC’s at my wife’s parish(es) as well and one of the reasons I don’t feel comfortable/welcome there and she understands that. Does he?

 

[Jbl5970]

Tc3033- I hate to think this way. But 4 yrs is a long engagement. He is extremely comfortable where he is at in life.
yes. I have been going to church every Sunday since we had this talk.
He agrees with analogy tho it was not the best analogy.
I believe he does. He spent 4 yrs studying to be a priest so I think he kinda has a superiority complex with his faith.

 

[TC3033]

You go with him every Sunday, your mom’s church, or both…?

Personally if he asked me why I don’t want to go with him or why I’d prefer to go to church with my mom it would be that the priest views NCs and alcoholics in the same light, and that was offensive to me. I’d ask if he sees the same thing when he looks at me or my family, am I/Are we a bunch of alcoholics to you? My wife is the member at a parish that I’d consider the same (they really seem to look down on NCs) so she understands that I feel awkward, uncomfortable and unwelcome at Mass. She’s greatful that I still go, but sees no issue when I want to attend a church of my faith background once in a while. Mixed Marriages really are built on mutual respect, and it sounds like he may struggle with that. That and…to me anyway…it sounds like he’s looking for an out.

 

[Jbl5970]

Tc3033-
I go with just him to Mass every Sunday. The more I talk about this the more I am beginning to feel like he doesnt respect me and that maybe he doesnt really want to ‘marry’ me. That he is happy with the way things are and doesnt want to change. The only time I see him excited over anything is when we talk about going camping/ hiking. I do everything… I cook, clean, wash clothes, work (teacher), do yard work, file taxes, take out the trash, and walk/wash the dogs… He goes to work and come home. He work as a forman in a metal building company