Required to be Catholic to marry?

[Jbl5970]

Hello all. I am really hoping for some insight here. My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years now. We have talked about marriage for a few years now. I love him very much.
On a recent trip together, he expressed that he would not marry me unless I converted to a catholic. His reasoning is that I don’t really have a direction in my faith walk and I don’t read my bible as often as I should. I don’t have a commitment to any one faith as a Christian. How was I going to raise catholic children if I don’t know how to be Catholic? He says its for the kids.
Now I feel as though I have to convert to marry him. I am deeply hurt by this. In the beginning, he said it did not matter that I wasn’t a catholic. He has put this requirement on me and it feels more like an obligation. I don’t want to feel like my walk with God as an obligation! I would never ask something like this from him… I feel like my deep love and respect for him is now not enough. Someone please help me! I don’t know what to do…

Edit: I should mention here that we do live together. We actually bought the house we live in together. We also bought a truck together as well. It is not as simple as leaving. (6 years together and I can’t imagine life without him!)
Edit #2 thank you all for the support! I have gone to see a priest as you all suggested. He said it was not an unreasonable request. He likened it to before marrying a drunkard you would say to be sober or I’m not marrying you. I find my emotions swing wildly with this. Sometimes I’m totally ok with it all and others I’m very very upset. He said its because he loves me so much that he wants to share in the sacrament of marriage with me as an active participant. I can’t help feeling that my hand is being forced and my conversion is a false one because the need to become catholic did not originate as a calling from God but as a need to placate him to be married…

 

[angel12]

Hello all. I am really hoping for some insight here. My fiance and I have been together for almost 6 years now. We have talked about marriage for a few years now. I love him very much.

On a recent trip together, he expressed that he would not marry me unless I converted to a catholic. His reasoning is that I don’t really have a direction in my faith walk and I don’t read my bible as often as I should. I don’t have a commitment to any one faith as a Christian. How was I going to raise catholic children if I don’t know how to be Catholic? He says its for the kids.

Now I feel as though I have to convert to marry him. I am deeply hurt by this. In the beginning, he said it did not matter that I wasn’t a catholic. He has put this requirement on me and it feels more like an obligation. I don’t want to feel like my walk with God as an obligation! I would never ask something like this from him… I feel like my deep love and respect for him is now not enough. Someone please help me! I don’t know what to do…

This is a big red flag as far as marrying him. The two of you should definitely have been talking about this, but for him to suddenly lay down an ultimatum? After saying it didn’t matter? No.

You might suggest that the two of you discuss this with his parish priest. There are a lot of non-Catholic spouses of Catholics, where the children are successfully being raised Catholic.

 

[Lou2U]

First thing first: don’t convert unless you actually believe what it is you’re converting to. It’s your choice to make.

Secondly, I agree with the above poster - your fiance has not treated you well by acting like this. He should have made it very clear that he wanted a Catholic spouse early on in your relationship, and if that’s not you, he should have ended the relationship.

Sadly, it seems as though you have too many differences. If he does want to marry a Catholic, and you don’t want to become Catholic (which again, is your choice only, and should be based on what Catholicism teaches, not based on what your fiance wants) it seems you aren’t compatible. I’m sorry - but at least you know now rather than after you married him.

 

[1ke]

How was I going to raise catholic children if I don’t know how to be Catholic?

It is good that he is thinking about the difficulties inherent in a mixed marriage. Children and practice of the faith are a large sticking point and can put a lot of stress on a marriage.

On a recent trip together, he expressed that he would not marry me unless I converted to a catholic.

He is wrong to issue this sort of ultimatum. The Church is clear regarding freedom of conscience in the practice of your faith. Coercion has no place here.

He is not wrong to want a Catholic spouse. But if he wanted a Catholic spouse he should have dated a Catholic and refrained from dating you. Perhaps he is just now figuring out how important this is to him.

In that case, it’s a good thing this happened before you married him.

I don’t really have a direction in my faith walk and I don’t read my bible as often as I should. I don’t have a commitment to any one faith as a Christian.

Every person’s walk is their own. I would certainly hope you embrace your Christian identity, the call of Christ to walk closely with him, to worship, to study, to evangelize, to live for the Lord. Of course I would hope you find that in the Catholic Church, but ultimately I hope you find it in whatever way you do.

There is a difference between wanting what brings someone you love to the Lord and judging their relationship with the Lord as “not good enough.”

Now I feel as though I have to convert to marry him. I am deeply hurt by this. In the beginning, he said it did not matter that I wasn’t a catholic. He has put this requirement on me and it feels more like an obligation.

Of course you are hurt. He is telling you that you aren’t good enough as you are. You’ve invested time in this relationship. You have deep feelings and emotions for him. You envisioned your life with him.

I will suggest to you that you have dodged a bullet by him showing this side of himself before you married him. This high-handed behavior could be a sign of a controlling nature, of a person for whom appearances are important moreso than other people’s feelings and dignity.

You should not proceed in a relationship, let alone marriage, if he cannot accept who you are as you are.

 

[1ke]

I feel like my deep love and respect for him is now not enough.

Yes because that is exactly what he has said to you! I am sure that hurts, and I’m sorry you’ve been put in this position.

Someone please help me! I don’t know what to do…

Well, I’d kick him and his ultimatum to the curb but that is me.

Mixed marriages can indeed be difficult and I don’t recommend them. But I also don’t recommend someone convert to please someone else. I don’t like the underlying personality of selfishness that would demand this of you in this manner. It’s different to invite you to consider it, to ask you to worship with him, but it is entirely beyond the pale to demand you convert.

You need to take a time out and figure out what YOU want. And you need not allow anyone to treat you thus.

 

[Cruciferi]

Both of you should consult with a Catholic priest.

 

[Kathleen18]

Ironic that you are living together and he wants to be married to a Catholic. He is not living the Catholic faith. I am sorry, let him go in my opinion. I was with a man who was Catholic for 4 years, engaged for 2 years. I understand the pain. But he is just probably saying these things because he knows that the relationship isn’t going to work out. And is being immature in how to end it.

 

[Cruciferi]

He could be having an awakening of his own faith and isn’t articulating it properly? A good Priest could get to the bottom of this.

 

[Kathleen18]

That is always a possibility too.

 

[Cruciferi]

I did know two people who were engaged and living together. The man was Russian Orthodox in name only. The woman was Methodist in name only. He wanted them to marry in the Orthodox Church because of his grandmother. So, in that instance it was purely family politics and tradition. I believe some people see the Church as a heirloom that you only bring out for occasions.

 

[jlc2k2]

Each person’s faith journey is theirs and theirs alone. It is not up to him to decide when you are being an active enough Christian or if you should be Catholic. It is a huge red flag that he thinks he can.

 

[ajg]

I’m married to a baptist and it does come with difficulties. We have discussed the possibility of converting, and how not doing so could impact our future children. But, neither one of us has given an ultimatum. Marriage is about respect, and he was being disrespectful by demanding you convert. That is 100% up to you.

 

[Viki63]

Dear sister, you should definitely go together to talk to a good Catholic priest. Ask someone in the church whose opinion you respect who they would recommend.
Your guy is not living as a Catholic, because he is living with someone he’s not married to. I assume his faith has recently become more important to him, and he wants to share it with you. That’s good news, if that’s what’s happened.
You could consider attending RCIA with him, which is the class that explains what being Catholic is about. It would be good for him too.

I want to say this with kindness: neither one of you is living as a Christian. Living together, whether you are sleeping together or not, is considered a scandal to other Christians, and it’s also a near occasion of sin. So I hope you will either talk to a priest and set a wedding date, or separate.

There is a reason the church encourages engagement, then marriage, then moving in together. It’s because people get hurt when they do it backwards, and in your case you can see that it’s true.
God bless, I hope you will both make the right decision.