Resentment in friendships - advice?

[SecretaryMonday]

Hello! I’m not looking for a psychiatric diagnosis, just the advice of someone who may be healthier and more loving than me. If I’ve chosen the wrong forum, I apologize.
As background, for most of my life I have struggled with being loving toward others. I know that love is not just a feeling, but it is discouraging when the only feelings I am conscious of toward those I should love the most are not particularly loving. I smile, I try to do things to make them happy or their lives easier, and I try to be pleasant, but I am not “close”. I have a lot of social anxiety, which is a problem that I only recently realized - before, I thought I was simply uninvolved. I am also a people-pleaser. So I have had some difficulty in making real friendships.

I have been trying to be friends with those who profess interest in being friends with me because I feel that I ought to. Fortunately many people see how quiet and uninvolved I am, and don’t bother trying, but there are a few who hang in there. Even though I can feel incredibly lonely sometimes, I still see it as an intereference to various degrees if someone calls me and wants to visit. (Unless I’m stranded on the side of the road, I hate phones. ) To me, “hanging out” is always a chore, even if it is occasionally a relatively painless one.

One friend in particular, who also happens to be a relative, wears me out. If I see her on Thursday she wants to see me again on Monday. When I decline, she wants me to come that Wednesday or the following Monday. In summer I work long hours so I can usually use business as an excuse to meet only once or twice a month, but in the winter she knows that I have a lot of downtime, and is wanting to visit more often. We have almost nothing in common besides our extended family; I feel like her babysitter rather than a friend.

I get angry every time I receive texts from her. I try not to be that way, and I resolve that I’m going to be loving, and I don’t want to hurt her feelings. I ask Christ who is Love to help me to love others regardless of what my natural inclinations might be.

I have to love everyone whether I feel like it or not, but do I have to “hang out” with them? I know that it is easy for me, as a people-pleaser, to confuse love with “niceness”. Am I being a self-centered isolationist to be so resentful about maintaining friendships, or am I having a normal response to an unhealthy relationship? How can I be more of a true friend, without being just a nice people-pleaser?

 

[chevalier]

Perhaps you could look at it this way: since you say love is about how you act (which results from your choice) and not (not exactly, at least) how you feel, then isn’t hanging out with a friend who needs your company an act? It certainly is not a feeling! Do it for your friend’s sake and for the friendship’s sake, not for your own.

You don’t need to allow people to manoeuvre you into a close friendship along with frequent contact if you don’t want it. I suppose you can say you need to focus on work or you have other plans (only if it really is true, though!) or just make an alternative offer to meet some time later than proposed. Especially with a relative, you can’t really tell someone that you don’t feel like the kind of close friendship and frequent contact he or she would have in mind. Gotta deal with it in some other way, although even actually saying you aren’t a very sociable person and don’t go out too often is better (I think) than giving people the kind of hints that make them wonder what’s wrong with them or if they haven’t offended you, and feel rejected. In the case of some of my friends, I’ve had to tell them it was normal not to hear from me for a prolonged period of time. That was when they said I was like yeti: everybody knew I existed but no one had actually seen me.

Also, we sometimes need to make sacrifices. Going to meet your friend when you don’t feel like doing it probably counts as one. A form of fasting (mortification), basically, though not in a direct sense. A good deed (or an occasion of) would perhaps be a better way of looking at it. Besides, focusing on the needs of others is a good way to unlearn any egoism or egocentrism we may have (and each of us has some), and it’s easier with friends than with strangers.

Besides, you can try and steer conversations onto something that interests you, or you can try to do something active or even productive (e.g. you could admit the thought of sitting there doing nothing but just talking is something awkward to you, you aren’t really like most people, you’d prefer to be doing something active if your friend doesn’t mind, e.g. a form of exercise or some kind of game or even work (you can, for example, talk while helping each other do chores that don’t require full mental focus).

 

[cmscms]

Especially with a relative, you can’t really tell someone that you don’t feel like the kind of close friendship and frequent contact he or she would have in mind.

Chev, I am going to have to respectfully disagree with you. A close friend/relative is someone you CAN be honest with. To politely say, ‘I like you and hope we can keep in touch, but I can not give you as much of my time as you would like’ is getting to the root of the problem. Then if that person can either accept it or turn around and say ‘Well, since you can’t give me what I want/need I no longer wish to have any contact’ and that is a viable option since nothing hurts more than to be around somewhere you want a lot from and only receive a little

To the OP, I can really relate to how socializing feels like a shore. And I use to book social activites just so when people asked ‘How was your weekend’ I would have a good story to tell as opposed to ‘I sat at home by myself’. I don’t know how old you are but somewhere in my thirties, I lost the need to have a social butterfly reputation and if I am happy reading a book by myself, I no longer care to admit to it

Also, sooner or later people will sense you are only with them to ‘do your duty’ and fights will break out. I think at somepoint (and I know you don’t want therapy so I am not suggesting it) you need to do some soul searching with God, to learn what type of personality you are, and if it is introvert, accept it and tap into God to discern how he wants to help you with your loneliness

CM

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, this is a matter of saying, “Yes, this far, but no, not that far.” Trust me, you are going to enjoy your social life a lot more if you draw some boundaries that work for you and your inner nature. Keep in mind that people join strict monasteries precisely because they want to bein a community where they can love others without having to go through the social hoops of “hanging out”, making inane conversation, and navigating the mine field of delicate egos. There is nothing morally wrong with having that kind of personality.

In his depiction of the Judgement on the Last Day, the Lord praised the righteous,“for I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you gave me drink, a stranger and you welcomed me, naked and you clothed me, ill and you cared for me, in prison and you visited me.” (Matt. 25:35-36) Notice that it is the stranger, the ill and the imprisoned, those who cannot strike out for their own social contacts, that we are morally bound to reach out to. We of course need to be patient and kind and seek the interests of others, as well, but there is a limit.

When this relative asks for more than you want, counter-offer with what is good for you. “No, Monday doesn’t work for me. Another lunch sounds good, but how about Thursday two weeks from today?” Even once a month is a regular social contact. If she counters with, “Two weeks? I want to get together sooner than that! Don’t you like me?” Then you counter with, “Sally, don’t be like that. I’m offering two weeks from now. Yes or no?” Do not give excuses for why that is all you’re offering, unless you’re inviting her to brainstorm how you can get out of the difficulty “preventing” you from doing more. If you don’t want her to argue with your reasoning, don’t give a reason, except “this is what I’m offering.” Stick to your guns. If she doesn’t like it, stick to your guns. If she has some kind of a tantrum about it, stick to your guns. Offer what you’re willing to offer, and if she is upset by that, then all you can say is, “I’m sorry that isn’t enough. That’s what I’m offering. Let me know if you change your mind.”

What you’re going to find when you offer the amount of social contact that is as good for you as for them is that you enjoy it a lot more. You don’t feel used or manipulated into doing something that you don’t want to do and that they don’t actually need to have you do. You will realize that your needs and theirs can find a common ground, and that is what friendship is about.

Even when the person you’re visiting only has you to visit, give only what you can give without resentment. If you can’t make the offer without resenting it, then save them the condescension of your martyred work of pity, a “gift” that in truth had to be extracted with a pliers, and don’t make the offer. Be a real people pleaser, which is to say give what they can receive with the pleasure of knowing it pleased you to give it.

It is good to stretch yourself beyond your own mere comfort, but as with all stretching this needs to be imposed upon yourself gently. Push a little beyond at a time, not greatly beyond, so that you can decide to give with pleasure: Each must do as already determined, without sadness or compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. (2 Cor. 9:7) . If you want to push yourself make a charitable work of social situations that you don’t enjoy, at the very least save it for someone who really impresses you as having a need. Again: give what you can give as a cheerful giver, working to increase that amount in increments, and you will please the Lord.

 

[JoanREDirector]

My advice - as a people pleaser mysef - is TELL THE TRUTH.

I’m preparing for my regular confession this afternoon and once again I have to talk about my offenses against the truth. Lying is not a loving thing to do. Pray for grace. The more you grow in the habit of saying, “No. I don’t want to get together Wednesday (or whenever).” the more you will gain in charity and its fruits, tact and detachment.

Real love can only grow hand in hand with truth.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

If you can’t make the offer without resenting it, then save them the condescension of your martyred work of pity, a “gift” that in truth had to be extracted with a pliers, and don’t make the offer.

Yes, I was thinking that my “martyrdom” could definitely be filed under “spiritual pride”. Sometimes its hard for me to tell when I’m doing something because I genuinely think that someone needs it, or if I’m just doing something to prove what a “kind” person I am to do [xyz].

I appreciate everyone’s advice; sometimes if I don’t ask other people, I can’t straighten things out in my head.

 

[EasterJoy]

Yes, I was thinking that my “martyrdom” could definitely be filed under “spiritual pride”. Sometimes its hard for me to tell when I’m doing something because I genuinely think that someone needs it, or if I’m just doing something to prove what a “kind” person I am to do [xyz].

I appreciate everyone’s advice; sometimes if I don’t ask other people, I can’t straighten things out in my head.

I think CS Lewis said that no one wants to be the focus of someone else’s petty altruism. This was in The Screwtape Letters, where Screwtape was telling his nephew to twist the positive and real Christian charity into the negative and bogus concept of “unselfishness”. The description of the strife caused by a typical passive aggressive “unselfishness” competition among a group of Christian adults is both insightful and hilarious!

If you are in the habit of thinking too much, read The Screwtape Letters. I have gotten more miles out of that book than I can say!

 

[cmscms]

When this relative asks for more than you want, counter-offer with what is good for you. “No, Monday doesn’t work for me. Another lunch sounds good, but how about Thursday two weeks from today?” Even once a month is a regular social contact. If she counters with, “Two weeks? I want to get together sooner than that! Don’t you like me?” Then you counter with, “Sally, don’t be like that. I’m offering two weeks from now. Yes or no?”

I would also add ‘I am willing to put you in my calendar 2 weeks in advance and keep that commitment no matter what, if you can’t see how much that shows I respect you, then there is not much else I can do.’ However, you have to make sure you keep that commitment

CM

 

[chevalier]

Chev, I am going to have to respectfully disagree with you. A close friend/relative is someone you CAN be honest with. To politely say, ‘I like you and hope we can keep in touch, but I can not give you as much of my time as you would like’ is getting to the root of the problem. Then if that person can either accept it or turn around and say ‘Well, since you can’t give me what I want/need I no longer wish to have any contact’ and that is a viable option since nothing hurts more than to be around somewhere you want a lot from and only receive a little

You have a point there, and I have a bit of a tendency to be oversoft with people’s feelings. But I’d still say you should try other solutions before actually telling someone you can’t give him what he needs. I’d start from laying out what a busy or tiring schedule you have, in factual terms. This will work on a person who is reasonable and has some perspective. It won’t work on a person who has some kind of a deficit of attention or love from others, I guess, or just a person who loves bugging others. I suppose there’s no harm telling the latter case that you can’t give it to him but you don’t want to hurt someone who is being friendly or affectionate or even actually needy (for real, with a good reason). Modern psychology has validated a lot of so called “healthy egoism” that we may have but we have crossed the limits, I believe. Our levels of individualism are dangerous and it is worrying to me how easier and easier it becomes to say no to people. This doesn’t feel entirely right. I believe we need to offset it by putting in place some kind of bias in favour of compassionately sharing our time, resources or attention with others, especially when they ask for it.

 

[SecretaryMonday]

Thanks for the advice, I already feel much less stressed about it. One of the things that bugged me more than others was the fact that she always wants to go out to eat when I come, and its expensive; so I offered to bring a frozen pizza to her house for lunch this time, and she liked that idea. We ended up having a deeper conversation than usual because we had to wait for the pizza to bake. I left a little earlier than I sometimes do, which also helped.

 

[twoangels]

Secretary Monday,

I think it is totally okay to not hang out with people that frequently. Life can get pretty busy. Its not like highschool where you see the same people everyday and have to work with them on a regular basis. My parents’ go camping and go to casinos with a couple they are friends’ with throughout the years. They schedule it out in advance according to their work schedules. They may go a few months without seeing each other, and these are probably the closest friends’ they have. I’ve noticed my in-laws don’t regularly get together with their friends’ either.

My husband and I visit my side of the family about once a month and usually are invited over to dinner at my in-laws about once a week. I take my daughter to storytime at the library about once a week. Occassionally we socialize at Church brunches after Mass, and I volunteer teaching CCD. The idea of hanging out with the same person or people more frequently is just overwhelming.

But that said, I do oftentimes feel like there is indeed something wrong with me. So many people seem so much closer to their friends’ and less stressed out at social functions than I am.

Be weary though that there are individuals who are very attention starved and may try to use your social insecurity to manipulate you. I had a friend like that. She wanted to hang out with me every single day. We had very little in common. If I refused to go to a bar with her because I felt morally uncomfortable with it, she’d take it as a personal rejection. If I refused to go down to another State to some hooky faith healer because it just seemed off to me, it was a personal rejection. When I started dating my husband, my dates and phone calls with my husband were personal insults. The fact that I wouldn’t self invite myself over to her home but would only invite her to my home was an insult because it must mean I hated her home. She repetitively told me I was a terrible friend, and every time she told me this I’d look at my social insecurites and think “She must be right” and I’d bend over backwards for her. Eventually however, she started trying to manipulate me for not just attention but for money, and if I were too ill to spend time with her, we’ll too bad. I had no right to refuse her company and I was a terrible person to reject her.

Don’t let people do that to you. Its not a real friendship and its not necessarily you. Friends don’t accuse you of being bad friends, nor do they treat you like you’re unworthy to be their friend and only because they’re such wonderful people are they your friends.