Resentment issues

[Johanna287]

Hi All,

I have not used a forum before so apologies for my grammar…

I had an argument with my boyfriend today regarding his family and its got to the point where i think he is never going to forgive me for what I’ve said and the feelings i have towards his family. I have ruined a great relationship with a man that i love.

We’ve been together for 2 and a half years (i am 30 and his 27 this year), he is a wonderful person and we care for each other very much.
The issue is that we’ve been arguing for months and it hasn’t been to do with our relationship but with how i feel about his family.
I’ve met his older brother and wife earlier on in our relationship and they were never warm toward me, his brother’s wife is close with my boyfriend so they would often talk and share things, but when she was with me she would seem uncomfortable and didn’t have much to say. At the moment she is having problems in her marriage and will text my boyfriend to complain about her husband…His older brother has not really warmed to me either, he has asked my boyfriend to move to Spain (where they live) in front of me and will often ask him to visit without including me.
My boyfriend’s twin brother whom he lives with (and their dad) is very immature says things without thinking and is always comparing our relationship with his own. When my boyfriend told him that i don’t dance salsa he said why would you date someone who doesn’t dance. His brothers love salsa, and their parents are originally from Latin America. The mother comes with us when there is a salsa event and she is proud of their dancing and will always talk to me about their heritage but she never asks me about mine or what i do for a living.
I’m from Southern Africa and last year i took my boyfriend on holiday there, they were worried about him going and said things about his safety, and also say things in front of me that hurt me.
I did ask my boyfriend to talk to his older brother and wife to tell them that our relationship was serious and that we are planning to marry. They seem to have accepted it but they still don’t include me in things and never ask him about me.
I have argued a lot with my boyfriend about this but he says he can’t change them, and he tells me that they like me (because they never say anything bad to him).
I have felt a lot of resentment towards them and often if my boyfriend invites me to go with his family i wont go. These feelings have started eating me up and i get upset with my boyfriend over silly things. I know partly it is my fault, i have had jobs where I’ve been treated badly and ignored and i have not stood up for myself. Now that this is happening in my personal life i cant deal with it, the anger builds up and I say something I’m going to regret.
Please can you advise me how to deal with this and if you can suggest a prayer or passage from the bible.
TIA, sorry for the long essay.

 

[Irishmom2]

Johanna, I am sorry this is happening to you. It is said that you don’t just marry a person, you marry their family. Perhaps if he stood up for you, it wouldn’t matter, but he isn’t. But if this is how things are now, I wouldn’t be too hopeful that they will change. Can you accept things as they are if they dont improve? Can you accept always being on the fringes of their family?

 

[EveningSkye111]

Johanna,

I like the advice given to you by Irishmom. It’s a sad thing when some families can be like that. I’ve lived it before and found that my happiness with the man would not work out because of his family and the way they felt toward me. He was of a Spanish descent as well.

Please read Psalm 23. It is beautiful, comforting and warm. It is my “go to” when I am feeling down.

Will be praying for you!

Our Lord’s richest blessings.

Skye

 

[egretps]

Johanna,

You can tell your bf that you love him. That you are sorry for your resentments. But it will not change the problems with his family.

It’s not just you or just them. But there seems to be a real problem with healthy boundaries with the older brother and his wife with your boyfriend, at the very least.

Do yourself a favor, and don’t delay, either borrow or buy “Boundaries” by Dr. Henry Cloud.

Ask St. Joseph to help you find a wonderful husband if it is God’s Will, it may be your current boyfriend or someone else. Place your Boyfriend into God’s care.

Also, the family of your boyfriend, go to your local parish or contact a religious organization like the Seraphic Mass Association, and have masses said for them as a family and the ones that give you the most trouble individually. I get masses for people I love and for people who have treated me or someone I do love shabbily.

Pray for your Boyfriend and his family.

I’n looking forward to the other forum members advice also.

God Bless you Johanna, you will be in my prayers.

 

[RomanoAmerio]

I shall pray for you, Johanna.

The posters above have also offered wise advice.

 

[Franciscan_Way]

Johanna,
True, as Irishmom2 said, “When you marry someone, you marry their family.” And cultural differences can take a lot of getting used to!
Ideally, it’s best if everyone gets along. But, unfortunately some people will tell you all about themselves and never ask you about “you”. Some people take a VERY long time to warm up. Some people are just not “warm and fuzzy” as I call it; just very matter of fact. Or they speak before they think and say insensitive things; like the comment about dating someone who doesn’t dance.
I am married to a man from South America and three things that I can attest to are: 1) They love their family, 2) If the family didn’t like you, they would be saying all sorts of bad things to your boyfriend about you and 3) They love to dance!!!
You can decide that this relationship isn’t working; too many fights and nothing changes before you get married or just stop the arguing and accept them as they are, as long as they aren’t being mean. The only person you can change is you.
I have a friend that absolutely hates her husband’s family and is not the least bit shy about yelling, swearing, and telling him. She tells him that if he wants to see his parents at Christmas or other holidays he can, but she refuses to go with him. (They are out of state) It started when their boys were small and she said her mother in law always helped husband’s sister with her kids, but not help them. And the list goes on and on…
I am sorry for your struggle. If you decide to continue in this relationship it sounds like you will have to be the one who is making most of the effort. It’s fair to ask your boyfriend to back you up if they are being mean. Would you be opposed to learning Salsa? If their mom is so proud of their dancing, why not get into a conversation about it? It sounds so simplistic, but it could open a door! As for prayers, the Prayer for Serenity may be a good one, as well as praying for strength and that God’s will become aparent to you. Just my two cents!
I will pray for you too!

 

[acadiANNA]

It sounds like a culture difference. It seems they have a lot of love…for each other. You have to speak up for yourself. When the brother asks for your BF to move to Spain, you can say we’re settled here or something like that. If he asks your BF to visit without you, your BF should say: I can’t do that or you can say jokingly I won’t let him do that. They are being rude and disrespectful. If you two are to become one, you will likely do things together. When the brother said why do you date someone who doesn’t dance salsa? There are other things in life or he’ll teach me, or something like that. If you respond, these things will not become a burden to you. I am sure the family will not change and you will spend your life with resentments. Unless you learn to deal with it and not take everything personal. Just realize they are not capable of showing you the unconditional love you desire. For now you have to accept them as they are. Once you stand up to them, they will most likely treat you better. Don’t let them take your happiness away by dwelling on it. The Serenity Prayer is very comforting. Live for the happy moments and remember those. Smile often. Pray. Praying for you and that your boyfriend will support you in your feelings.

 

[Johanna287]

Thank you each and everyone for your advice. I must say I haven’t confided in anyone about my situation with my boyfriend so it is nice to have someone else’s opinion and experience. I will continue to pray and include the prayer for Serenity. Also, i will find a copy of the book ‘Boundaries’ and hope it will help with some of my issues.

It’s a sad situation that i have met the guy that i want to be with for the rest of my life and our problem rests on how his family are towards me. He has told me that they have never said anything bad about me. He thinks that i may have an issue with being accepted, whereas he never really cares whether people like him or not. He even seems to be okay (for the moment) that i don’t often come with him to meet his mum or brothers. He says well if I’m not really seeing or talking to them why should i have a problem. That’s true…but when he talks to them it doesn’t seem they will ask about us or care. They seem to accept that he will marry this girl that they don’t really have an interest in what she does for a job or where she comes from. I must say they do love being Colombian and they love salsa.
The parents have lived in the UK for many years, their sons were all born here. His older brother is married to a Christian of Arab descent, they have lived in Spain since marrying so the wife never really mixes with the family, only when they visit once in a while. My boyf’s twin brother only mixes with Colombians and only dates South Americans so his comments about me not dancing often come from him not caring about anyone that isn’t from his background.

His older brother’s wife gets on with my boyfriend and not his twin brother. They don’t seem to talk much or at all and I’ve noticed the older brother keeps in contact with my boyfriend and not so much the twin brother…He is immature and often selfish so i think it is difficult for anyone to really bond with him.

There is nothing bad i could say about my boyfriend, he is open minded and we enjoy travelling together and seeing different places. A year and a half ago my dad passed away, my boyfriend was with me and my mum at the hospital. He met my dad during our visits to the hospital, and before my dad died I begged him not to go yet because i wanted him to be at our wedding in 2yrs. My dad was too weak at that point, i think he was in pain and was ready to go. My boyfriend helped me through it, i even went a little crazy some days i was okay and most of the time i was up and down. I couldn’t have asked for a better guy, he had to be so patient.

There are times with his brothers when i wish he would say something there and then instead of me telling him later or asking him to talk to his brother and wife. I know that i should really be the one to speak up but it is hard, i am not one for confrontation. In the end I’m the one that suffers in silence, which i why i feel the way i do. The worst part is that it builds up and when he mentions his older brother or wife the anger shows and i can’t help saying something that i only regret later.
I know what my issue is and i need to work it out because i am beginning to spend less time with people and pushing my boyfriend away. Our relationship hasn’t quite been the same since our arguments about his family. Unfortunately i seem to dwell on it and it upsets me why I’m letting it get in the way of us.

Thank you for keeping me in your prayers, i really need to believe that God will take care of this and will make me a stronger person.