Respect Life and non participating pastor

[cmom4]

Hello. I am wondering if anyone else has had to deal with what I am dealing with in my parish and particularly with my pastor regarding our newly forming Respect Life Committee (RLC). My pastor asked (more like told) me I was the RL coordinator for our parish (which has never had one). I am so willing to help since I am passionate about the Pro Life movement.
However, he is apparently not as pro life as he tries to say he is. He said we wouldn’t be celebrating RL Sunday as a result of not liking the day I picked for a meeting. I questioned him through email but he never got back to me. I am told by him (through a liaison) that it CANNOT be only about abortion. I get that. But he’s said it so many times and I’ve had conversations with him and seen him in situations (that I won’t go in to here) that make it quite apparent that this is just not a big concern of his (if one at all). He seems to like to check things off his list that we ‘should’ do…almost to make ourselves look good, but when it really comes down to it he puts up roadblocks all the way.
He keeps the idea of having a RLC going, but it’s so discouraging to deal with him when he just doesn’t give any support. What can be done? Do I back off and not form this committee? (I hate to go back to having none!) Do I persevere? What would you do?
God Bless

 

[PatriceA]

Hello. I am wondering if anyone else has had to deal with what I am dealing with in my parish and particularly with my pastor regarding our newly forming Respect Life Committee (RLC). My pastor asked (more like told) me I was the RL coordinator for our parish (which has never had one). I am so willing to help since I am passionate about the Pro Life movement.
However, he is apparently not as pro life as he tries to say he is. He said we wouldn’t be celebrating RL Sunday as a result of not liking the day I picked for a meeting. I questioned him through email but he never got back to me. I am told by him (through a liaison) that it CANNOT be only about abortion. I get that. But he’s said it so many times and I’ve had conversations with him and seen him in situations (that I won’t go in to here) that make it quite apparent that this is just not a big concern of his (if one at all). He seems to like to check things off his list that we ‘should’ do…almost to make ourselves look good, but when it really comes down to it he puts up roadblocks all the way.
He keeps the idea of having a RLC going, but it’s so discouraging to deal with him when he just doesn’t give any support. What can be done? Do I back off and not form this committee? (I hate to go back to having none!) Do I persevere? What would you do?
God Bless

Do you have to celebrate RL Sunday to form the committee? Because if it was me, I’d form the committee in any way I can, despite the roadblocks you think are being thrown in your way.

I would say though that he insisted that you be in charge of the RL committee means he’s not against forming the group, just that he has a different way of meeting that objective than you do. Not every priest is concerned enough to even consider forming an RL committe, you should feel blessed.

 

[Elizabeth502]

Priests not only have their plates full, they have entire buffet tables they need to prioritize in terms of what’s “hot” and needs to be “served” first. They are stretched thin within one parish (if they’re lucky enough to be confined to one parish). Naturally many of the leadership positions, the initiatives, and all of the oversight for what the laity do as representatives of that parish rests with him. I’m sure you already understand it’s not a power trip (that he has to oversee much more than RL), but it’s a matter of what his domain is – his responsibility. That’s on top of his primary responsibility, which is to administer the sacraments, and secondarily to manage his parish, including financially.

So…when a layperson is willing to take on non-ministerial roles and relieve him of just one dish on the buffet table, he’s glad to delegate, but he also has to retain control, so that lay people are not just operating autonomously in the parish he’s supposed to be running. I have both seen and worked in such parishes, and believe me, they are nightmares. The most power-hungry tend to seize their opportunity when there’s a power vacuum - when a pastor abdicates his responsibility because he’s not that comfortable taking charge, or when he rationalizes that his oversight isn’t needed. It is needed!

Long way of saying: I actually think this is more about signaling he’s in charge and will set agendas, rather than in it is about undermining your cause. Be grateful!

As far as your perception that “he’s not giving any support,” again remember how much he has to support. Priests with parishes cannot be single-cause priests, first of all, and secondly they have more than causes (public issues) to deal with on an everyday basis.

However, if the level of his support is not passionate enough for your involvement, it might be better not to accept this position so that you will not clash with him. You have to do what you feel is right.

 

[cmom4]

Thanks for the advice. My pastor is very busy, as they all are. I am not ignorant of that fact. I don’t envy the task of running parishes – our priests are stretched thin. However, I do know priests who love being a priest and it shows and they show respect for people in general.
Being stressed out is never an excuse or good reason to have a poor attitude with anyone. Especially those who you are shepherding and who are taking on tasks to help the parish and pastor out.
Again, I won’t go in to the things I have been told by my pastor that make me wonder where he really stands on the issue of Life, but ANY priest should have this as one of their main concerns. That doesn’t mean I expect it to be top priority for him but to shun suggestions off as though they just don’t matter is offensive IMO.

As far as when to set up the meeting—I know if I rocked the boat by not doing what he says this committee would fall away. I already did what he has wanted—was to give an announcement on RL Sunday, but then he said that was too late (He’s the one who told me to do it on that day) and we wouldn’t be celebrating RLS. What?? So I am changing the date of the announcement and hopefully he’ll not tell me it’s not happening again.
It is hard to work w/ someone who clashes w/ your personality, but it’s not just me. I know many who feel the same way. Any way you look at it, it is a sad case. Love and respect go a loooong way!
Thanks Again and God Bless!

 

[Elizabeth502]

Being stressed out is never an excuse or good reason to have a poor attitude with anyone. Especially those who you are shepherding and who are taking on tasks to help the parish and pastor out.

I agree! But in the current governance structure of the church, and with the available, qualified personnel to fill that structure, pastors are doing the work of 2-3 full-time people: full-time minister, full-time administer (including HR, finances, etc), and roles that fall into neither category strictly, but which are assumed by his title. That last category would include all of the modern activism that the community and the world seems to demand or expect of priests, as well as supporting the various social committees that are attached to most parishes but actually are really not part of his essential vocation or even practical function. Those would be things like Ladies Guilds, Italian Federations, yadaydada. Everyone wants Father to come to the meeting, say this, say that, say something from the pulpit, attend their banquet, on and on. It’s Giving by a factor of 3.

Priests have so little time for personal prayer, and way less time to refuel (for example, go on retreat!) so that they can maintain emotional and spiritual equilibrium.

I actually wish priests would do less, not more. The only priests recently that I personally know, who are able not to snap at people are those that have chosen not to work triple-time. One example is one parish near me. Two full-time priests, and they spend 50% of their time strictly ministering (sacraments galore, liturgy). They spend a good 20-30% of their time spiritually renewiing. The rest they spend on “other” (administration + parish social functions). They wouldn’t be able to divide things that way if there were one of them instead of two. Secondly, it is their choice – approved of by the parish – to limit their involvement outside of ministerial duties. There is also not that much “busy stuff” going on, even by lay people. Yes, there’s a parish hall, but most of the activity of the parish is centered on prayer, Mass, devotion, sacraments. So when there’s a dinner, it’s most likely connected with our celebration of Divine Mercy Sunday, etc. The bulletin links up ways to get involved in things like RL and other stuff, sometimes has petitions in the vestibule, lists contact names and organizations for members who want to get involved in activist causes. But the parish itself, and the church buildings themselves, are not a center for activism. That’s actually why the flock likes this parish. They like it that way, and they want their priests happy and not burning the candle at both ends.

 

[RosaryFan]

Hello. I am wondering if anyone else has had to deal with what I am dealing with in my parish and particularly with my pastor regarding our newly forming Respect Life Committee (RLC). My pastor asked (more like told) me I was the RL coordinator for our parish (which has never had one). I am so willing to help since I am passionate about the Pro Life movement.
However, he is apparently not as pro life as he tries to say he is. He said we wouldn’t be celebrating RL Sunday as a result of not liking the day I picked for a meeting. I questioned him through email but he never got back to me. I am told by him (through a liaison) that it CANNOT be only about abortion. I get that. But he’s said it so many times and I’ve had conversations with him and seen him in situations (that I won’t go in to here) that make it quite apparent that this is just not a big concern of his (if one at all). He seems to like to check things off his list that we ‘should’ do…almost to make ourselves look good, but when it really comes down to it he puts up roadblocks all the way.
He keeps the idea of having a RLC going, but it’s so discouraging to deal with him when he just doesn’t give any support. What can be done? Do I back off and not form this committee? (I hate to go back to having none!) Do I persevere? What would you do?
God Bless

First and foremost, don’t communicate via email and liaisons. Meet with him in person and iron out your differences. Maybe he is giving you a hard time because he’s overwhelmed, too busy, etc., and doesn’t have time for the little details. I’m not sticking up for him, just giving you possibilities for his behavior. Anyway, it is important to meet with him in person and scratch the emails and second-hand conversations.

 

[cmom4]

Thanks for the thought.
The liaison set-up is my pastor’s idea. This is how he wants it so this is how we all have to work ‘with him’.

And I must say, and I mean this with all do respect, even if it doesn’t sound like it—I am sick and tired of the ‘over worked priest’ rant! Yes, he IS busy. I acknowledge that myself. But, as a homeschooling mother of 4, running a home business and helping my husband run his, not to mention all the home stuff that is my job–shopping, bills, phone calls, doctor appointments, laundry, cleaning, mothering and being a joy filled wife at night for my husband…I am AS busy as my and many pastors! As are most families out there! In fact, I do not get a day, much less a WEEK vacation each year, or various get-a-way retreats during the year as my pastor does. NOR do I (or you) have a staff to help us with all said commitments. Not to pat myself on the back, but after taking care of all my daily duties, I then agreed to HELP OUT MY PASTOR when he wanted a RLC for our parish. HE isn’t helping ME—that is the trouble! So that whole ‘over worked priest’ scenario is a bunch of whoo-haa if you want to know what I am really thinking!
I know my pastor has troubles/responsibilities and worries, but you know what? If his car breaks down he’s not going to go car-less! Either the diocese or a big hearted parishioner with a mechanics shop will bail him out. Any U.S. pastor is NOT going to face bankruptcy and lose his home.
I’m NOT saying they don’t have worries, but let’s be honest and realize that a mother with 4 little souls to strengthen and protect is just as much a vocation worth understanding as a pastor. I admire all men who enter the priesthood to bring souls to Christ—we are all called to do that. We all fail at times and we all succeed at times. We should do so with joy in our hearts and not make someone who is trying to do so feel like a failure, or completely ignore their attempt to help you (my pastor in this case) win souls or change hardened hearts. What I won’t verbalize to anyone but will meekly acknowledge here is that he should be grateful for my help and dedication to a movement but he has an odd personality and isn’t gracious to too many people. Being ‘overworked’ doesn’t mean it’s ok to treat people badly anymore than a hard day at school/business/home would make it ok to treat my children and husband badly—most especially when they are trying to help me out and make my life less stressful as I am trying to do for my pastor.
Sorry to rant. IMO, excusing a priest just because he is a priest is ridiculous.
God Bless you all in your daily fight for our faith! I hope you gain support from all those who you are aiming to please—most especially our Lord and Savior! Amen.

 

[Elizabeth502]

…I mean this with all do respect, even if it doesn’t sound like it—I am sick and tired of the ‘over worked priest’ rant! Yes, he IS busy. I acknowledge that myself. …I am AS busy as my and many pastors! …In fact, I do not get a day, much less a WEEK vacation each year, or various get-a-way retreats during the year as my pastor does. NOR do I (or you) have a staff to help us with all said commitments. Not to pat myself on the back, but after taking care of all my daily duties, I then agreed to HELP OUT MY PASTOR when he wanted a RLC for our parish. HE isn’t helping ME—that is the trouble! So that whole ‘over worked priest’ scenario is a bunch of whoo-haa if you want to know what I am really thinking!
I know my pastor has troubles/responsibilities and worries, but you know what? If his car breaks down he’s not going to go car-less! Either the diocese or a big hearted parishioner with a mechanics shop will bail him out. Any U.S. pastor is NOT going to face bankruptcy and lose his home.
…Being ‘overworked’ doesn’t mean it’s ok to treat people badly …Sorry to rant. IMO, excusing a priest just because he is a priest is ridiculous…

Actually, I question whether you do “mean this with all respect.” It appears to be a rant against my responses in particular, but I have said absolutely nothing in my replies to indicate that “being overworked means it’s ok to treat people badly.” You have lifted my comments out of context and generalized them, and in doing so have distorted them. Quite frankly, I experience you no differently in your last post than you perhaps experience your pastor: angry, overworked, and frustrated. Do you suppose that maybe that doesn’t show, when you approach him, or in the way that you receive his decisions regarding your wishes?

Activism is actually not in the pastor’s job description. Here are your options:

(1) Find a different parish wherein there are several priests to share duties, and/or wherein there is only one pastor, but pro-life activism is high, maybe even #1, on his agenda. (There are some parishes that are frankly mostly about activism; they actually resemble political groups more than anything else, but if that’s your flavor of Catholicism, you should seek a home where you feel comfortable.) Just note that you should not expect there to be a rich sacramental, prayer, and devotional life in that parish, because there are 24 hours in a day and the guy needs some sleep so that he will not snap at you.

If there are no deacons (there are almost none in my region), that pastor will be doing everything: baptisms, catechetical direction & implementation, and all the oversight I previously mentioned. By virtue of his office (his ministry) he is not authorized to substitute essential duties, such as Annointing of the Sick, being at the bedside of the dying, counseling grieving families – for the activism that you believe he has time for, and much more. Nor is he allowed to neglect parish financial oversight for your priorities or any other parishioner’s priorities, no matter how passionately believed, no matter what level of support anyone has offered to those ends.

(2) Choose to engage in pro-life activism in other venues, such as local and national groups, which are abundant. Nothing prevents you from participating in your fave causes, nothing. If I personally felt so strongly about a given cause (and I have), I would not pursue that cause when I encounter someone in charge with a different agenda or who is lukewarm to the cause.

(3) Start a local pro-life branch or entity, and include in that organization a cluster of parishes, or invite other parishes to join such a collective. Were I your pastor, I would welcome a parishioner taking adult initiative, while politely asking his permission to publish an invitation letter in his parish bulletin, announcing such a group. This would relieve him of the responsibility which he clearly either doesn’t want, or can’t commit to practically. (Neither you nor I knows the sum total of his duties, nor what his Bishop has told him to do, etc. You are presuming an awful lot about this man, whereas in reality you do not have the full picture.)

(4) Petition directly to the Bishop for relief for this pastor on some regular basis – such as the bishop suggesting a retreat, vacation, etc.

(5) Complain on CAF, but I doubt it will solve the problem for which you seek a solution.

(cont’d)

 

[Elizabeth502]

(continuing)…

You appear to know very little about something which other posters are well acquainted with: that I encountered a particularly unjust pastor once, while working in a parish. The situation was not similar to yours, nor would I describe him as rude, but what I would describe – and have – is the thorough lack of training in managing people that this pastor had. The point was not him: the point was, and is, that this has been typical. The Roman Catholic church has historically put little to no energy in equipping priests with pastoral tools that go beyond spiritual help, and extend to mere human relations. They don’t know how to handle HR problems in the parish (i.e., few of them do), and they have fallen back on “authority” as the default strategy for handling people. That is not a very effective strategy, and it is particularly ineffective as a stand-alone policy toward women. Not because women don’t appreciate/respect authority, but because they benefit from an understanding and human approach, not an autocratic or dismissive one. And it is women who are usually prominent in parish roles.

So Option #6 is:
(6) Petition the Roman Catholic hierarchy to put more effort into such training.

I don’t think it’s as simple as, he should have been nicer to you. You wrote in capital letters that you were just trying to help him, but what you (any of us who have worked in parishes) perceive as “help,” the pastor – depending on his situation – may perceive as an annnoyance, a nuisance, etc. He may be off-base in that perception, but he’s running the show, and as long as there continues to be a personnel shortage when it comes to the active priesthood, his bishop isn’t going to fire him anytime soon.

The priest in my situation was so burnt out that he took a sabbatical the very next year. Apparently there were signs of burn-out during the year in which I was a casualty of his inept (non)management. I don’t know why you think I “excuse” priests. I don’t. But unlike what you seem to be saying, I do not expect the impossible of them in a 24-hr day. I know what their limits are, and I choose my parish(es) accordingly. And since I am not a saint, I also don’t expect it any more of my pastor(s) that I expect it of myself.

I deeply resent your implication that I said or implied that motherhood is not an equal vocation. If you knew my situation, you would never make such an offensive remark. I never ever compared or contrasted the two vocations in my posts.

 

[Elizabeth502]

Finally, you seem to be misled by some mythology of the extent of priestly privileges. Time was – not so long ago – that every priest had a staff, a full staff: cook, housekeeper, gardener, maintenance man, etc. Now this is less common. There is often a cook, but she/he comes not every day, or only for select meals. There may be a housekeeper: in some cases it’s weekly, not daily. Gardening and maintenance chores are now often taken care of by parish volunteers; ditto for technology needs, such as fixing computers.

The situation with car repairs depends on the budget of the parish, diocese, etc. There are priests who spend a good part of their own stipend helping their own family members in distress, such as helping to provide home health care for an aged relative. You and I don’t know how all those preistly salaries are spent, and what perks each priest has or doesn’t have. Yes, priests who are popular and respected are often given gifts of cash and/or services by grateful parishioners and outside friends, but this is by no means universal or guaranteed.

The ultimate point you seem to be missing is that marriage is both a “burden,” or additional responsibility, and an enormous blessing and built-in support system. Unless one’s marriage is truly on the rocks, most stable marriages include mutual support for each other’s woes. The priest, on the other hand, has no Significant Other to turn to. The priesthood can be extremely lonely, even for the kindest of priests. He does not choose his colleagues. Nor of course do any of us choose our colleagues, but we do not live with our colleagues; if married, we live with an adult we have chosen and entrusted to share our sufferings with.

 

[cmom4]

(continuing)…
I deeply resent your implication that I said or implied that motherhood is not an equal vocation. If you knew my situation, you would never make such an offensive remark. I never ever compared or contrasted the two vocations in my posts.

Wow—I am sorry you took that deeply personally. I was actually talking about my pastor—not you! And to be honest, I didn’t read your entire long post because it started out angry at me so I am afraid to read it all and become more discouraged. I did rant, but I did not yell at you or disrespect you. I should have added that the ‘busy priest’ comment comes from many, not just You, and that is where my rant came from. ANOTHER person saying it, not YOU saying it. So I’m sorry you took my post so personally when in fact I don’t know you nor even looked at the name of the poster.
It’s too bad that tone of voice has to be implied with emails etc. because you obviously think I was yelling at you and I wasn’t. Sorry you felt that way.

oh wow—i just skimmed a post of yours. you said this to me: The ultimate point you seem to be missing is that marriage is both a “burden,or additional responsibility”
Wow—really? Is that that ultimate point I was making??? It IS indeed a responsibility. I in no way implied it was a burden. I was stating what a mother/wife does for her family. I NEVER said or IMPLIED that it was a burden! I have the strongest marriage of anyone I know and now I am offended so I end here because obviously this is not the place to get the friendly Christian support I looked for. Unfortunate.