Response to relative who wants her wedding in our backyard

  • Thread starter Thread starter ElizLeone
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
E

ElizLeone

Guest
I have never posted to the catholic answers forum, but I am in great need of advice.

My niece, a Catholic in name only, is getting married next summer. Just today, she asked my husband and me if she could use our backyard for the wedding and the reception. In some ways, she probably doesn’t know better. She is baptized, I believe, but her non-practicing mother never took her to church or educated her in the Faith. I know that we cannot host the wedding. I recognize that doing so would support a non-sacramental, non-church wedding that would be inappropriate. Worse yet, it would in my opinion, be a great scandal to my five young children (ages 10 and younger) who would be influenced by the time, effort, and energy given over to a non-religious wedding.

My question is not whether we should offer our yard for the ceremony. I recognize that we cannot. My question relates to printed information that is out there that will bolster our difficult response to our niece. Because she is family and because this is going to be a very personal and very sensitive topic, I’d like to be able to site outside sources when explaining our decision to my niece. Can anyone recommend some good information that I can site in my response to our niece?

Thank you.
Elizabeth L.
 
Liz,
If you google Catholic weddings, you can find lots of info on this. Why not emphasize that as Catholics we view marriage as a beautiful sacrament with God. Three people are getting married on that special day. Then maybe offer to host a wonderful reception in the backyard?
 
I think “Beyond the Birds & Bees” by Greg Popcak is a great resources for illustrating what it is that makes Catholic marriage the best kind of marriage there is. It also does it in a way that facilitates you explaining those reasons to a child, or young adult (ie simply and concentrating on the important issues). Well worth a read through before you talk to her!

This is Greg’s site

This is the book.

Good luck!!
 
You should just be honest and tell her that what she does in her life is her own business, but that you cannot in good conscience have a non-religious wedding in your backyard. If she has a cow, too bad. It’s your house (and yard).

There is enough stress hosting a wedding in the first place, but if it goes against your beliefs and you go ahead with it anyway, you’re going to be sick with the stress.

If you need back up, you could talk to your priest. I’m sure he would agree that hosting this is a terrible idea for a practicing Catholic. Then you can just relate to your niece that your priest advises against it and you trust his judgement.
 
The ceremony must be held in the Catholic Church, but there is no reason why the reception cannot be held in the backyard.
 
My husbands nephew(not Catholic) asked to be married and have their reception in our back yard. It was his third marraige. My husband was very gentle with him when he said, “we are flattered you like our home and yard so much you want to be married here, however we don’t think our homeowners insurance would be enough to cover any problem that might occur. so we will have to say no.” Aside from being his 3rd marriage, the guests would not have abided by our no-alcohol rule. We are so happy we did not host this “party” since this marriage lasted as long as the rest of them, about 6 months.

Love and peace, Mom of 5
 
I doubt that even were you to say “yes” a priest would accomodate her wish to do this outside of the Church proper, for he, too, has rubrics to follow. You may want to send her back to him to learn what is and what is not allowed. Do you know whether or not she has spoken with him?
 
Thank you to all of you who have given such great advice. I will take it all to heart and put together a response for our niece. I do have the Popcak book, so thank you for that recommendation; I will definitely check out the marriage section.

In response to Rykell’s question, unfortunately there is no priest involved. She the judge (a family friend) lined up to perform the civil ceremony. So it’s a clear-cut case that we cannot host the wedding, but the dilemma is how to respond so that we don’t blow all family ties forevermore. Sadly, there is no one on that side of the family who will understand our decision regarding not hosting the wedding.

The situation is, in some ways, made trickier by the fact that our niece was baptized Catholic, but never made her First Communion and was never confirmed. Her parents never practiced their faith. The only time she is ever in a church is at a wedding and at our kids’ Baptisms. And, yet, she would call herself Catholic as sort of a cultural identity which seems important on the Italian side of the family. But she truly doesn’t see anything wrong in having the justice of the peace perform the ceremony. Her mom’s first marriage was to a twice-divorced man in a non-Catholic church, the mom’s second marriage was by a justice of the peace. So, in a very real sense, our niece simply does not know any better. I don’t think it has even crossed her mind that we would say no to her request for religious reasons. And in some ways, that makes it harder, because she simply won’t understand. And that’s why I’m looking for some material that will help bolster our answer and help her understand that it’s not just us, but our decision is based on tenets of her faith (which will be new to her).

I remain all ears if anyone has any other ideas, and I appreciate all the good info that all of you have provided. Thank you!

Elizabeth
 
She’s not willing to let you explain the importance of importance and beauty of a sacramental marriage? Perhaps you could join her in RCIA so that she can be confirmed at Easter (and who knows, she might just fall in love with her faith!), marry in the Church and have the reception at your home?

Pray, pray, and pray!
 
Our Pastor is often approached by couples who wan tto get married in a Mountain meadow. He always responds "Why would you want to get married in front of the mountians when you can get married in front of the one who made them?
 
But she truly doesn’t see anything wrong in having the justice of the peace perform the ceremony.
Click to expand...
That changes the whole picture, Elizabeth, doesn’t it. She is putting you on the spot by asking you to be a host, thereby giving silent approval to an invalid marriage. How will this be a witness of your faith to the others who attend? She is not going to understand, but neither can you uphold her decision to use a JP.
That may be your loophole, and an opportunity to kindly steer her to the proper channels. It is not easy to live our faith, and sometimes it calls for “tough love.” You may want to ask your priest whether or not it is prudent to host this, considering the possible scandal to the others. Touchy!
 
Yes, and considering the scandal to my children which is my greatest concern… How can children who grow up remembering their parents working for weeks/months to prepare for and then host a justice-of-the-peace wedding and a big celebration afterwards be expected to consider only a wedding in a Catholic church when it’s their turn? Actions speak louder than words, and our actions in hosting such an event will speak to our approval of a non-canonical marriage. I know we cannot do that, if only for the sake of our children who we expect and pray will marry within the Catholic faith.
 
Simply and politely inform your niece that the Catholic Church forbids you to host such a wedding. That is all you have to say. I am sure that she will question your simple statement. And then you can tell her to investigate it herself. It is up to her. If she doesn’t know you are a practicing Catholic let her know and then repeat to her that you are not allowed to do such a thing. You can even tell her a priest told you the same exact thing. Of course you would have to tell the priest and then let him repeat to you that you can’t do it.

I for one am wondering why your niece would even want a ceremony. It is obvious that she has not put much thought towards the existance of God and the fact she has herself an eternal soul that has the option of freely choosing plan A) heaven for eternity or plan B) The fires of Hell for eternity. By not including God in her “marriage”…there is a very likely chance that she will end up divorced anyway. Such a waste of money for somthing that wont last.
 
I have hosted a number of wedding receptions (after church wedding)and know the tremendous amount of work involved, not to mention the expense. These were for my children and very close relatives. There is a HUGE difference between doing this for your own children and very close relatives and those who are using you. When my hubbys nephew asked us to host his wedding, I asked “why”? He said he loved our home and the park-like yard, then added that he couldn’t afford to do it anyplace else. That is the key, you put out the work and expense and they save the money for the booze, honeymoon, etc. After hubby said no, they did find a place they could afford, and so would your relative. Having it at your house is the “easy” way to do it. As I said in the earlier post, they are no longer together and we are elated that we did not feel obliged. There is always the little guilt trip we go on when we say “NO”, but we do get over it. Keep strong!!

Love and peace, Mom of 5
 
See what is the availability of the Church close by, and offer your place for the reception.

Make sure that you stress that you are able to help for the reception so it doesn’t seem like you just don’t want anything to happen at your place.

God Bless
Scylla
 
Thanks, Scylla. The problem is that she is apparently set on having a justice of the peace officiate the ceremony. So if she has the ceremony elsewhere with a justice of the peace, can we have the reception here without condoning the decision to marry outside the church?

Elizabeth
 
ElizLeone said:
Thanks, Scylla. The problem is that she is apparently set on having a justice of the peace officiate the ceremony. So if she has the ceremony elsewhere with a justice of the peace, can we have the reception here without condoning the decision to marry outside the church?

Elizabeth
Click to expand...
I wouldnt
 
ElizLeone said:
I have never posted to the catholic answers forum, but I am in great need of advice.

My niece, a Catholic in name only, is getting married next summer. Just today, she asked my husband and me if she could use our backyard for the wedding and the reception. In some ways, she probably doesn’t know better. She is baptized, I believe, but her non-practicing mother never took her to church or educated her in the Faith. I know that we cannot host the wedding. I recognize that doing so would support a non-sacramental, non-church wedding that would be inappropriate. Worse yet, it would in my opinion, be a great scandal to my five young children (ages 10 and younger) who would be influenced by the time, effort, and energy given over to a non-religious wedding.

My question is not whether we should offer our yard for the ceremony. I recognize that we cannot. My question relates to printed information that is out there that will bolster our difficult response to our niece. Because she is family and because this is going to be a very personal and very sensitive topic, I’d like to be able to site outside sources when explaining our decision to my niece. Can anyone recommend some good information that I can site in my response to our niece?

Thank you.
Elizabeth L.
Click to expand...
Simply tell her that Catholic Canon Law does not allow her to have the wedding in your backyard. That she will learn the details during the Marriage preparation process and when they meet with her pastor.

After the wedding in the Catholic church, you would be happy to have the reception in your backyard.
 
ElizLeone said:
Thank you to all of you who have given such great advice. I will take it all to heart and put together a response for our niece. I do have the Popcak book, so thank you for that recommendation; I will definitely check out the marriage section.

In response to Rykell’s question, unfortunately there is no priest involved. She the judge (a family friend) lined up to perform the civil ceremony. So it’s a clear-cut case that we cannot host the wedding, but the dilemma is how to respond so that we don’t blow all family ties forevermore. Sadly, there is no one on that side of the family who will understand our decision regarding not hosting the wedding.

The situation is, in some ways, made trickier by the fact that our niece was baptized Catholic, but never made her First Communion and was never confirmed. Her parents never practiced their faith. The only time she is ever in a church is at a wedding and at our kids’ Baptisms. And, yet, she would call herself Catholic as sort of a cultural identity which seems important on the Italian side of the family. But she truly doesn’t see anything wrong in having the justice of the peace perform the ceremony. Her mom’s first marriage was to a twice-divorced man in a non-Catholic church, the mom’s second marriage was by a justice of the peace. So, in a very real sense, our niece simply does not know any better. I don’t think it has even crossed her mind that we would say no to her request for religious reasons. And in some ways, that makes it harder, because she simply won’t understand. And that’s why I’m looking for some material that will help bolster our answer and help her understand that it’s not just us, but our decision is based on tenets of her faith (which will be new to her).

I remain all ears if anyone has any other ideas, and I appreciate all the good info that all of you have provided. Thank you!

Elizabeth
Click to expand...
Have you considered addressing your response to her parents? Providing them with the Church teachings? I think her parents should be responsible to explain that her request has put her Aunt in a position, with or without her parent’s guidance, to violate her Catholic beliefs. IMHO, the problem rest with her parents and should be dealt with at that level.
 
Beyond the spiritual ideals, it just seems like a bad idea to have a wedding in a neighborhood, even if its a country one.
You also have 5 small children who shouldn’t have to share their house, and all their property for an entire day. Things do get messed up, broken, distroyed with lots of people comming. Even with family holidays and hosting homes/yards its very hard for young residents, who have no ability to “get away” or go home if they need to.

In my opinion, although a wedding is a happy thing, its too many strangers for young kids, especally at a reception and furthermore when they won’t know many of them.

Another factor is, like an above poster said, insurance.

Spiritually seems second in this case, sanity being more important.

Perhaps come to her with the legal/psycological reasons and encourage the religious reasons.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top