Responsibilities of civilly-divorced Catholic

[badger11]

I was civilly divorced about 9 months ago. I applied for a declaration of nullity 4 months ago and am now in the waiting stage, which I expect will be around 9 months from now.

I don’t want to get into the details of the divorce, but suffice it to say that my spouse left me during a period of high anxiety and depression, for which I was getting treatment. I had no idea this was coming, but she called me up while I was out of town and told me that she thought I would never get better, knew it wasn’t my “fault” because I was working to get better, but simply wasn’t happy, and felt that she couldn’t have children with me because of my illness and possibility of relapse. She had moved her things out of our residence and had already hired a lawyer. Since then things have markedly improved with my health, but the divorce was not exactly helpful to my recovery.

She has literally not spoken with me except through her lawyer since the divorce was initiated, and was very resentful and hurtful during the divorce, despite first hand knowledge of what I was going through. I took the high ground through it all. She made clear that she was not willing to make any effort at reconciliation and has discontinued practicing as a Catholic, is dating, and I suspect more.

I know that I am considered sacramentally married unless and until a decree of nullity is issued. So, I have not dated, have taken great care not to find myself in situations where I could be unfaithful to her, etc. in preparing for my last confession, I read in a relatively reliable source that divorce in and of itself is a sin (although elsewhere I read that that is not necessarily true). In any event, it also said that I must continue to live according to my vows, including praying for her, loving her, etc., etc. I understand that by virtue of marriage, two become one.

However, this is causing me great distress, especially in light of her coldly leaving me and cutting off any contact whatsoever. I don’t think it healthy for me in terms of grieving the end of the relationship, especially when I can’t do anything about it, to feel the responsibility to think of her as my wife and honor her. In this way, I feel like the nullity process should not operate like it does. I have deepened my faith life immensely, but I am having such a difficult time reconciling the need to heal and move on, especially given my mental health struggles, with the fact that I am presumed married. I pray for patience, but it is so difficult.

Does anyone have thoughts on this? I have attempted to seek out scripture, but of course divorce is not addressed much at all in the Bible, and the nullity process is a product of church law.

 

[OraLabora]

I read in a relatively reliable source that divorce in and of itself is a sin (although elsewhere I read that that is not necessarily true).

Divorce is considered a grave sin (it’s in the Catechism). However, it is a forgivable sin if one lives, as you are, chastely after the divorce.

Moreover the Catechism makes it clear that culpability for the sin is not always borne equally by both spouses. If you’re not the initiator of the divorce, and did everything you thought you could to prevent it, then you may not be mortally culpable. Your culpability may be diminished.

It is, however, a topic that best be taken up with a priest, and if you’re unsure how culpable you think you may be for the divorce, then also by all means take it to the confessional.

You’re in a tough bind, but not a hopeless one, and you are in my prayers.

 

[badger11]

Thank you. Yes, I did confess the sin of divorce in confession, and the priest and I discussed at some length the circumstances of the divorce and my struggles. However, I did not bring up the annulment issue. I will schedule a time to meet and discuss.

 

[angel12]

Yes, I did confess the sin of divorce in confession, priest and I discussed at some length the circumstances or the divorce and my struggles.

I think you may find some reassurance in para. 2386 of the Catechism: (bolding is mine)

It can happen that one of the spouses is the innocent victim of a divorce decreed by civil law; this spouse therefore has not contravened the moral law. There is a considerable difference between a spouse who has sincerely tried to be faithful to the sacrament of marriage and is unjustly abandoned, and one who through his own grave fault destroys a canonically valid marriage.