Responsible Family Planning or Greed?

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Youngcatholic

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I have a family planning question that has been bothering me for the past few months. My husband and I have been married for about a year and half. We practice NFP–we are ages 25 & 26.
We both have decent careers, making well over $100,000 with combined income, plus another $12,000 from our live-in 3-family home. I told my husband my goal is to stay home with our future children while they are in infancy. This move would obvioudly put me out of the workforce and reduce our overall income.

Recently, my husband has been making more offers on investment properties. His goal is to buy and sell a few more real estate properties until we accumulate more wealth for our future family.

Is all this stuff “ok”? Sometimes I feel like he spends more time trying to accumulate wealth then contemplating whether we could start our family now. I understand that he is trying to be responsible and give ourselves a good start in life, but I worry that waiting 2 or 3 more years (however long it takes for him to decide we are “well-off”) for kids might not be the best thing either.

What should I do? He told me he wasn’t on a “timeline” when it comes to our potential family, but I can totally tell he is not open to it right now. (for the financial reasons).

Thanks for your help.
 
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Youngcatholic:
I have a family planning question that has been bothering me for the past few months. My husband and I have been married for about a year and half. We practice NFP–we are ages 25 & 26.
We both have decent careers, making well over $100,000 with combined income, plus another $12,000 from our live-in 3-family home. I told my husband my goal is to stay home with our future children while they are in infancy. This move would obvioudly put me out of the workforce and reduce our overall income.

Recently, my husband has been making more offers on investment properties. His goal is to buy and sell a few more real estate properties until we accumulate more wealth for our future family.

Is all this stuff “ok”? Sometimes I feel like he spends more time trying to accumulate wealth then contemplating whether we could start our family now. I understand that he is trying to be responsible and give ourselves a good start in life, but I worry that waiting 2 or 3 more years (however long it takes for him to decide we are “well-off”) for kids might not be the best thing either.

What should I do? He told me he wasn’t on a “timeline” when it comes to our potential family, but I can totally tell he is not open to it right now. (for the financial reasons).

Thanks for your help.
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Frankly, from what you just described, you should be having kids. Take it from someone who contracepted for 10 years of marriage because we wanted to do (fill in any excuse) first. It was wrong and I regret the lost time. Thank God we have been blessed with our second child this Palm Sunay.

There is always something in one’s life that makes one think they should wait. But putting it off too easily becomes habitual. Also, I believe kids are less disruptive when had young because you are not set in your ways. This notion of wait a few years to get to know your spouse is a load of dingo’s kidneys.

Remember plenty of people in old age say they wish they had more kids. No one says they wished they had fewer.

God bless you with many children.

Scott
 
Hi youngcatholic :tiphat:

It is hard trying to live the Christian life. Sometimes we forget that Jesus showed us the way to salvation is through the cross. "“If any man would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his** cross** and follow me.” Yet Jesus will never give us more than we can handle. “Take my** yoke** upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my** yoke** is easy, and my burden is light.” To reject life because of the love of money is the same as rejecting Christ.

Try posting these bible verses on your refrigerator.

1Tim.6

10] For the** love of money** is the root of all evils; it is through this craving that some have wandered away from the faith and pierced their hearts with many pangs.

Heb.13

5] Keep your life free from** love of money**, and be content with what you have; for he has said, “I will never fail you nor forsake you.”

Try is this conversation out with your husband.

'Honey, can you please help me?"
“Anything dear, what is it?”
“I am really worried”
“Honey, don’t worry, what’s wrong.”
“I think we should start a family.” (use family and not children)
“We will, don’t worry about it.”
“You wouldn’t mind if we just prayed about it, would you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Let’s ask God if we are called to start a family to give us that desire.” (Remember baby steps)
“Sure, what will it hurt?”

God said be fertile and multiply, not have two and retire early. These prompting to be open to life are from the Holy Spirit. It has often been said that children are not expensive; lifestyles are expensive.

Just so you know, we make less 35k and have 2 under 2 and are officially praying for more. :love: There are many on this forum with more kids and less money, just ask my dad.

May God give you a full quiver.

God :blessyou:
 
Scott Waddell:
Frankly, from what you just described, you should be having kids. Take it from someone who contracepted for 10 years of marriage because we wanted to do (fill in any excuse) first. It was wrong and I regret the lost time. Thank God we have been blessed with our second child this Palm Sunay.

There is always something in one’s life that makes one think they should wait. But putting it off too easily becomes habitual. Also, I believe kids are less disruptive when had young because you are not set in your ways. This notion of wait a few years to get to know your spouse is a load of dingo’s kidneys.

Remember plenty of people in old age say they wish they had more kids. No one says they wished they had fewer.

God bless you with many children.

Scott
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VERY VERY well said.

Youngcatholic, you will look into your baby’s eyes, hold him/her for the first time, and wonder aloud, “Why didn’t we do this a long time ago??”

Besides, just as marriage calls you to holiness, children calls you to sainthood!! 🙂

BTW, I applaud your commitment to NFP. Let me say that the…a’hem…*unions 😃 * you and your husband have during your fertile period will be the BEST, most memorable ever. 😉
 
Scott Waddell:
Frankly, from what you just described, you should be having kids. Take it from someone who contracepted for 10 years of marriage because we wanted to do (fill in any excuse) first. It was wrong and I regret the lost time. Thank God we have been blessed with our second child this Palm Sunay.

There is always something in one’s life that makes one think they should wait. But putting it off too easily becomes habitual. Also, I believe kids are less disruptive when had young because you are not set in your ways. This notion of wait a few years to get to know your spouse is a load of dingo’s kidneys.
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You’re right on the money.

No one but you and your husband can make that decision. However, I suspect you already know the answer to your own question. Otherwise, you probably wouldn’t be asking us. Remember that one must have a grave reason to postpone children. Do you think your reasons, mainly building more investments, constitute grave?

Also, many women assume they will be able to get pregnant without any problems. As you approach 30, you may find it more difficult. Just something to think about.
 
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Youngcatholic:
Is all this stuff “ok”? Sometimes I feel like he spends more time trying to accumulate wealth then contemplating whether we could start our family now. I understand that he is trying to be responsible and give ourselves a good start in life, but I worry that waiting 2 or 3 more years (however long it takes for him to decide we are “well-off”) for kids might not be the best thing either.

What should I do? He told me he wasn’t on a “timeline” when it comes to our potential family, but I can totally tell he is not open to it right now. (for the financial reasons).

Thanks for your help.
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It seems that a heart-heart talk with your husband is required. If you married in the Catholic Church, you both promised to welcome children. You could explore what he thinks he has to give up if you start a family.

My mother-in-law said the if you wait to have children until you can afford them you will never have them. She raised 12 in the 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s on less than $10,000 a year. Marriage and parenting is primarily about giving, not having or getting. In my opinion, you can afford childern on any salary. Unfortunately for many, they cannot sacrafice to do so.
 
Thank you for your replies. However, the majority of the money we have earned and saved is really for the future family, which I don’t think can be considered a root of evil. We spend very little on our ourselves or on a “lifestyle”- we don’t have new cars, furniture, etc. (or even a bedpost), while friends of mine with similar incomes have new homes, furniture, cars, etc.

I just wanted to know if other Catholics have dutifully acquired money/resources before having kids and if there was anything intrinsically immoral in that. I understand that people can often make it on a lot less money than they think. But is it OK to use one’s brain and use things like NFP to plan ahead for the family in terms of money. If the answers are the same, I will be forced to look at my myself and my husband’s plans again. I understand it is a sacrifice to have less money and more kids, but we have been making sacrifices-- the sacrifice in preparation for our family, so there is money there when the family “comes along” and I won’t have to hold down a job or put them in daycare. Does God really expect us to be impovershed or struggling financially all the time?
 
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Youngcatholic:
Thank you for your replies. However, the majority of the money we have earned and saved is really for the future family, which I don’t think can be considered a root of evil. We spend very little on our ourselves or on a “lifestyle”- we don’t have new cars, furniture, etc. (or even a bedpost), while friends of mine with similar incomes have new homes, furniture, cars, etc.

I just wanted to know if other Catholics have dutifully acquired money/resources before having kids and if there was anything intrinsically immoral in that. I understand that people can often make it on a lot less money than they think. But is it OK to use one’s brain and use things like NFP to plan ahead for the family in terms of money. If the answers are the same, I will be forced to look at my myself and my husband’s plans again. I understand it is a sacrifice to have less money and more kids, but we have been making sacrifices-- the sacrifice in preparation for our family, so there is money there when the family “comes along” and I won’t have to hold down a job or put them in daycare. Does God really expect us to be impovershed or struggling financially all the time?
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How much is enough??? That’s the key issue here. When will you “arrive”, so to speak, at the conclusion of the great plan??

Let’s say you got pregnant tomorrow, despite your will. Would we have to conclude that the baby (GOD’s creation!) came too soon, and would be born without enough protection, enough security, enough love?? Screwing up “the plan”??

And btw, please know I write in charity, knowing you vulnerably (and admirably!) opened yourself up for feedback and possible criticism here. Just some thoughts to chew on and pray about. The mystery of the cooperation between our worldly human will and God’s Will is not always easy to peg.
 
It sounds as though you and your husband have been doing some great planning. I doubt you would find yourselves living in poverty were you to welcome children. You must trust that God will provide. My husband and I do not make a great amount of money, and I bring in roughly half. We are trying to have a baby and I will quit my job before the baby comes. We do not have much in savings, we need a new roof, and before a second child comes we will need a different form of transportation since we cannot fit two children and a dog in a Dodge Neon. But I trust that God will provide. We will never have a 2,500 square foot house or a new $50,000 SUV, but that’s OK with us because we know we are doing God’s will. Maybe some would see this as irresponsible, but we do not. Through much prayer, I believe my lot in life is to be a mother and wife.

My point is, you need to decide what you want for yourself. It sounds like you and your husband want children. I see no reason why you can’t continue to live frugally and save for your childrens’ futures even after they are here. They don’t need to have their college funds in place before they are conceived.
 
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Youngcatholic:
We both have decent careers, making well over $100,000 with combined income, plus another $12,000 from our live-in 3-family home. I told my husband my goal is to stay home with our future children while they are in infancy. This move would obviously put me out of the workforce and reduce our overall income.
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My family income (husband only works outside the home) is less than half of that. We have four children. Children really aren’t that expensive if they have a SAH parent (it’s the daycare costs that will eat you alive).

I don’t think it is necessary to acquire ‘everything you need’ before the children arrive.

When my first son was born (I wasn’t Catholic yet), my husband was working at a good job, but when our son was 5mo old, my husband was hit by a drunk driver, totalling our paid-off car and necessitating a new monthly expense for a new car. One month later, my husband was fired from his job because he didn’t like being proselytized at work by his fundamentalist co-worker.

Subsequently, as I was in the process of converting to the Catholic Church, I was pregnant with our second son. Things looked really good, he’d just gotten health insurance through the new employer. Three months before the due date, he was fired after a promotion to supervisor when he refused to falsify time cards to make the employer able to pay the workers under him for less time than they actually worked. Our second son ended up being born five weeks before due date. Stress may have been a factor.

Then we had thought that three children would be the ‘perfect family size’ for us. God had the last laugh on us again when he blessed us with twins so that we skipped from two to four.

I’ll be honest–unless you’re living in a place where the cost-of-living is totally out of whack, I don’t see six figure incomes as at all necessary for a small to medium size family (like mine).
 
Youngcatholic 👋

You are very smart and prudent young women. I am glad you are using your money wisely and prudently; while not self-indulging yourself.

You said, “I just wanted to know if other Catholics have dutifully acquired money/resources before having kids and if there was anything intrinsically immoral in that.”

I did. I screwed up. For me this was a mortal sin because I put my retirement and future family ahead of what God wanted for me. I was not open to life. I had no grave reason to wait.

But is it OK to use one’s brain and use things like NFP to plan ahead for the family in terms of money.

Yes, if the reason is that you cannot financially afford a child at this particular moment. Our children’s college fund and our retirement goals do not constitute grave matter for not having children. I am not saying quit saving or planning, because that is imprudent.

I won’t have to hold down a job or put them in daycare.

Based on the information you have given and how wisely you spend your money; you should not have to. It seems to me that you have a very good husband and he can handle the finances very well.

If the answers are the same, I will be forced to look at myself and my husband’s plans again.

I am sorry to say that the answer is still the same. I highly encourage you to take this to prayer. Spend sometime in front of the Blessed Sacrament. Ask Jesus, "Am I called to start my family? Am I being selfish or wise? Why is this an issue for me?

Does God really expect us to be impoverished or struggling financially all the time?

I had to learn that I wasn’t trusting God. It was a very hard lesson for me. If God does call someone to be impoverished or struggling it is still a blessing, because they tend to rely more on God than themselves. They Holy Family is a perfect example. I don’t see you having this struggle with your competent and loving husband.

I hope I was not being harsh as that was not my intent.

God has many blessing instore for you.

God :blessyou:
 
the majority of the money we have earned and saved is really for the future family, which I don’t think can be considered a root of evil. We spend very little on our ourselves or on a “lifestyle”- we don’t have new cars, furniture, etc. (or even a bedpost), while friends of mine with similar incomes have new homes, furniture, cars, etc.
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Great! That’s a good thing to practice, then when hard times hit (and they WILL hit - probably several times!) you will have the foundation of knowing that you can make it on less/with less.
I just wanted to know if other Catholics have dutifully acquired money/resources before having kids and if there was anything intrinsically immoral in that. I understand that people can often make it on a lot less money than they think. But is it OK to use one’s brain and use things like NFP to plan ahead for the family in terms of money.
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Well, ouch. I have no duty to acquire money. I was blessed to find love young and have no regrets about letting that love grow - and grow abundantly too! I do have a duty to particpate in the care of my family, which may entail the acquiring of money. There is nothing wrong with ambition or wealth though. It’s the reason and ends that turn it evil. If you know you can provide for children now, then using money as a reason to not have them would be a diviation from honest reason in the building of your nest egg.
If the answers are the same, I will be forced to look at my myself and my husband’s plans again. I understand it is a sacrifice to have less money and more kids, but we have been making sacrifices-- the sacrifice in preparation for our family, so there is money there when the family “comes along” and I won’t have to hold down a job or put them in daycare.
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First, the use of NFP should ideally require constant reevaluation of your plans. Every night or month at least, you should be asking yourselves - “Are we willing to conceive a baby tonight? Why not?”

Second it is not a sacrifice to have less money and kids. It’s just life. It is not a sacrifice for me to get up at 2 am, 4 am, 4:30 am and then make breakfast at 6:00 am. It’s not a sacrifice to help my husband walk, after an episode. Was it like this when I married? Did I choose this life? No. I didn’t. But I’m so glad for it all the same. This is life. The good , the bad, the ugly, and the awesome of living and loving anyone other than yourself.
Does God really expect us to be impovershed or struggling financially all the time?
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I don’t think you are even remotely near poverty or financial struggle given what you have posted, so I’m not sure why you ask this question? God may or may not require this of you at some point though, so it does beg the question: Should He ask, would you say yes or no? Would you regret the children you might have, if He should ask this of you afterward? That is something I can not help you answer. I would hope you would answer yes though.

I wouldn’t have a “timeline” for starting, if for no other reason than God may not care about your timeline anyhow. But I wuold just ask your husband if he would be comfortable with just not trying to not conceive, but not trying to conceive either. Just enjoy the moments as they happen and let God take it from there. Should there be a child, I can assure you that they will only be as expensive as you let them be. At 90% of what people do these days are just silly and it’s not going to hurt any child to not have all those wants given to them. Give them what they need and they will have all they want.
 
And 90% of what people do these days are just silly and it’s not going to hurt any child to not have all those wants given to them. Give them what they need and they will have all they want.
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Soooooo true. Wise words.
 
Young Catholic,

Let me tell you a story of a wife who waited, and waited, and waited, and found that the “right” time never arrived, but menopause did, as it came early. I have one wonderful daughter, but the house full of kids that I always knew I wanted and hoped I would someday have never happened. The worst part is, I was complicit in this crime against God. Please know that God will provide. Then it’s up to you to prudently manage what he has given.

Good luck with starting a family. It’s been written above, but it’s worth repeating, you will find your baby to be the most incredible love you have ever experienced.

God Bless,

CARose
 
I tried to take your advice. I spoke to my husband about our life plans, our current delays of starting a family, etc. He says he still needs more time to fulfill his life goals-- ie. starting a small business before starting a family. He isn’t particulary happy in his job right now, even though the pay is fine. He says that we delayed marriage for 2 years when I was getting my Masters, so it wasn’t fair for me to say that he can’t pursue his goals over 2 years to make our finances more secure.

I am really frustrated right now- he says now that 2 more years is approx. how long he wants to wait (we have already been married a year and a half), and that we are still young enough to wait. I said we were approaching our 30s, and that we couldn’t assume we would have children when we want, or that we can assume all our goals will be met before kids come.

Please pray for us. Thank you for your help, as it was an important conversation for us to have. I am still hurting right now, but hopefully it will work itself out…
 
I will keep you and your husband in my prayers. May I suggest that in your nightly prayers (hopefully you pray together) you ask God to help you decide when the time is right to start a family. We were trying to decide for ourselves, and our prayers were the primary reason we started trying. We both believed God wants this for us at this time. Just be prepared for the answer, even if he tells you now is the time. 🙂

It is amazing how quickly the desire for a baby can take over your whole being. I pray that the desire stikes you and your husband at the same time. :love:

May peace and love be with your family.
 
Well, the easy answer is not to wait long. As mentioned earlier, what are you waiting for? A number of mnths of savings? A larger house? Waiting until the "time is right’ will not work, since there is never a perfect time.

One suggestion is to go to your library and check out “Two Income Trap”. I think this will help explain some of the difficulties adn the “trap” couples often find themselves in.
 
Hi YoungCatholic

I don’t know what to say, Men!!! I don’t know how to say it, but sometimes they look at things with too independent of a view. Unfortunatly you cannot always put human relationships on a timeline. I’m sure once you have a child, he’ll never even consider putting him or her back and saying “oh yes later would be a good time.”

I’ll pray for you, two. I know you hurt. Try to keep up planting the seeds, but also respect his decisions, as you’d want him to respect yours. Pray for his conversion, and do your best too keep him home and away from work as reasonably can be done. I assume he’ll be more happy in his last days to have a family around than to wishing he’d built a more impressive business.

I want to say I’m happy for you that you want to stay home. I cannot say that as a person married, I’m not. But my mom did stay home while I was little, and I feel it very much a blessing. And may God bless you. Yes, it’s a cross to bear, but there are a few souls-to-be out there that are being loved right now.
 
I think the idea of a single family income can frighten many people and expecially the one who would have the burden of being the sole provider. Almost everyone around us says how they both “need” to work, and your husband may lack the confidence that he can provide for his family. This may not be greed; it may be a lack of trust in God. God is ultimately the One Who Provides. Your husband’s job, his health, his investment security–everything rides on God.

It is also up to God ultimately of if you will have children at all. He is the Lord and Giver of Life. Many people wait until they think the time is right, only to discover that they have fertility problems. Your husband may not have considered this because we are constantly fed the lie that we can actually control births.

God does truly amazing things for those who trust in Him. As you are hurting right now that your husband doesn’t share your desire to begin a family now, I suggest that you pray a lot for your husband, and trust God to take care of your cares.

And I highly recommend my favorite intercessor for husbands, St. Joseph. Now there was a good husband!
 
I suggest reading Humanae Vitae with your husband. While using NFP is commendable (as opposed to artifical contraception), it should only be used to avoid pregnancy if you have a good reason to do so. Your confessor would probably be the best person to suggest whether the situation you describe is a “good” reason to avoid pregnancy on this very important issue, as opposed to the opinions of various people (including me) on this board.
 
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