Restoring sex to a marriage

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I am married to a Catholic woman and I am an atheist. We have been married 16 years. I was an atheist when we married and she was Catholic. We have a 15 year old son who is being raised Catholic.

About 10 years ago I injuried my foot pretty badly. I had a couple surgeries and the foot ended up infected and the wound wouldn’t heal and the infection wouldn’t go away and between my diminished health and the tension between my wife and myself because of the impact of my injury on our family life, we stopped having sex. We never really discussed it, it just seemed to be a mutual decision.

This condition persisted for about 6 years with me on periodic rounds of antibiotics trying to surpress the infection but about 4 years ago the infection came to a head and I got septicemia and would had died if they hadn’t amputated my leg below the knee. I recovered well and within a few months got a prosthetic leg and with the source of infection being removed my health improved much to what it had been before the injury and also my desire for intimacy returned.

We hadn’t had any kind of physical relationship for many years so I tried to re-establish some kind of physical relationship but failed completely. Finally I asked her flat-out if we could work on having a sexual relationship and she just about laughed. She said we were old enough that marriage really wasn’t about sex anymore.

That has left me troubled because frankly if I don’t have relations soon I will go elsewhere to find them. She is big on family and so am I and we both love our son and are trying to provide the best home for him we can but this disconnect between her and I regarding marital sex will ultimately destroy our family if she continues with her position.

She is a faithful Catholic, praying and attending Mass daily. I don’t believe the Catholic church supports the idea of sexless marriages but not being Catholic myself, I am not certain what steps I can take to find help and support within the Catholic church to resolve this problem.

Can anyone direct me to any resources that might help?
 
Don’t cheat on her after so long. She seems very loving. Just have a long conversation and I’m sure she’ll understand. Make it a heart to heart. Do avoid “I will commit adultery if we don’t have relations”.

Also, have you ever thought about becoming Catholic or learning more about the Catholic view on sexual relations? They are a giving of oneself to another to possibly create life out of love, and hence should be approached with reverence and care.
 
Iswote, you should seek out marriage counseling to help with this matter. Since your wife is Catholic, it might be good to find a Catholic counselor. In the past some married couples have decided together to live in abstinence, but the Catholic Church doesn’t recommend this and one spouse cannot make this decision for both of them anyways.
 
And marital counseling would probably help, not least because the counselor, whether a priest or someone else, can help keep it focused on improving the marriage instead of airing grievances and laying blame.
 
I don’t want to spoil this thread but Ron has helped me immensly, although I don’t agree with him on everything. His theology on the marriage debt I found helpful.
 
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The batpriest liked this post, so I agree with it. I like the batpriest. #clericalism
 
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HopkinsReb said:
I don’t have much to offer to help, but I’d advise against “do me or I’ll cheat on you.”
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HopkinsReb said:
And marital counseling would probably help, not least because the counselor, whether a priest or someone else, can help keep it focused on improving the marriage instead of airing grievances and laying blame.
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I can only quote @HopkinsReb’s advice and agree wholeheartedly. You should go to marriage counseling together. Absolutely don’t tell her if you don’t have sex you’ll cheat.
 
lswote said:
we stopped having sex. We never really discussed it, it just seemed to be a mutual decision.
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This I see this as problematic. If you never discussed this, she may be hurt since there was no discussion and no intimacy for many years.
 
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I don’t want to derail this person’s thread, if you have a problem with Ron them IM me the specifics. What you said above I find to be untrue.
 
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lswote said:
I don’t believe the Catholic church supports the idea of sexless marriages
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You are correct. Any “sexless marriage” has to be mutually agreed upon. In Catholic moral theology this is referred to as the “marital debt”. Not exactly the sexy language you want to use with your wife, but if you google that you’ll see Catholic teaching on it all the way back to St Augustine.
lswote said:
I am not certain what steps I can take to find help and support within the Catholic church to resolve this problem.
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Marital counseling through Catholic Charities or her pastor. Retrouvailles weekend retreats if they are available in your area. These are the top two things I’d recommend for a troubled marriage that has lacked real intimacy and communication for a long time.

Also a physical with her doctor. It certainly is a reality that women approaching menopause do start to have issues that make intimacy less on their radar-- hormonal and physical changes, painful intercourse, and all the things that go along with being a busy and tired person/parent/wife-- these things are real. That doesn’t mean that she can ignore your needs and desires. don’t know if she’s quite there yet, but peri menopause starts in the early 40s and it can be a b*tch.
 
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I tried to have a conversation but she is not open to conversation. When her mind is made up on something she doesn’t engage in conversation. Just making an attempt at conversations she does not want to have will make her angry and she will shun any interactions with me from anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks.

My wife has has many good qualities but discussion is not one of them.

I am hoping there is something or someone within the Catholic system ( system is probably not the right word) that might help me conduct a useful conversation with her.
 
lswote said:
Just making an attempt at conversations she does not want to have will make her angry and she will shun any interactions with me from anywhere from a couple days to a couple weeks.
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That isn’t fair of her to do. Again, I’d recommend marriage counselling so you can learn to communicate better with each other.
 
lswote said:
I tried to have a conversation but she is not open to conversation. When her mind is made up on something she doesn’t engage in conversation.
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Well, that’s a problem all of its own right there.

But it doesn’t stop YOU from having a conversation-- if you know the pastor there at the Church she attends, make an appointment for some one-on-one counseling on this. You don’t have to be Catholic to talk to the priest.
 
He never says there is no touching or caressing but there is such thing as unnatural sex acts such as oral sex that are sins and he backs it up with Magesterial documents, St.Thomas and St.Alphonsus writings.
 
Bits from the Catechism—
[2360] Sexuality is ordered to the conjugal love of man and woman. In marriage the physical intimacy of the spouses becomes a sign and pledge of spiritual communion. Marriage bonds between baptized persons are sanctified by the sacrament.

[2361] “Sexuality, by means of which man and woman give themselves to one another through the acts which are proper and exclusive to spouses, is not something simply biological, but concerns the innermost being of the human person as such. It is realized in a truly human way only if it is an integral part of the love by which a man and woman commit themselves totally to one another until death.” (Tobias reference here)

[2362]The acts in marriage by which the intimate and chaste union of the spouses takes place are noble and honorable; the truly human performance of these acts fosters the self-giving they signify and enriches the spouses in joy and gratitude."145 Sexuality is a source of joy and pleasure: (Pius XII reference here)
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and so on and so forth.

So, from the Catholic perspective— she is forgetting that the sexual act isn’t merely procreative, but it’s also unitive. And by denying you that unity, it’s making the relationship disordered-- physically and spiritually.

Periodic continence is perfectly fine. But a 10-year period of continence, without the consent of both parties, is not perfectly fine. Marriage is a contract, and no one can unilaterally alter the contract.

Catholic keywords— “disordered”, “unitive”. 🙂

Marriage is a sacrament. What is a sacrament? A sacrament is a physical sign of a spiritual reality. So, in a world where we have the sixth commandment (Thou shalt not commit adultery) and where our Master has explained that it’s not just enough to refrain from the act, but we need to go a step further and not commit adultery in our heart— it shows that the marital bond is a far more important thing than many aspects of society would suggest.

But, if she doesn’t have discussions, I don’t think she’ll be open to hearing it from you. She needs to hear it from a third party, who speaks Catholic-ese, and who can address both the physical and spiritual aspects of the suffering her actions are causing.

I hope things go well for y’all. 💙
 
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