Retrouvaille

  • Thread starter Thread starter Vital_Armor
  • Start date Start date
Status
Not open for further replies.
V

Vital_Armor

Guest
Has anyone tried retrouville? Any failure stories? Any success stories?
 
I have, but unfortunately my wife only went to ‘support’ me. She had no intention actually having the program help her in any way. Unbeknown to me at the time, she was having an affair with another man.

Retrouvaille can work only if both partners are willing to work on the marriage equally. Actually, even before the program starts, there instructions that any affair must be ended immediately before the couples start the weekend.
Vital_Armor said:
Has anyone tried retrouville? Any failure stories? Any success stories?
Click to expand...
 
As far as I know there is no affair but it is likely the judge is going to order her to go. There has been no violence, infidelity and no addiction. My wife is just overwhelmed with stress. We suffer from a severe breakdown in communication. If she is ordered to go she is likely to do the work.
 
Vital_Armor said:
As far as I know there is no affair but it is likely the judge is going to order her to go. There has been no violence, infidelity and no addiction. My wife is just overwhelmed with stress. We suffer from a severe breakdown in communication. If she is ordered to go she is likely to do the work.
Click to expand...
I hear mainly unqualified praise for Retrouvaille. I have a different view. My wife and I attended during the summer of 2012. I won’t say that there wasn’t any benefit to attending, as there was, but, on the whole, I hated it. It was so rigid in and narrow-minded in approach that I felt as if I was being held captive by members of a cult. As for your wife being overwhelmed with stress, the Retrouvaille weekend could possibly worsen that problem, as they force what should take place over several days into one weekend. I understand why they do that, but it was physically and mentally exhausting to me, and constant physical and mental exhaustion was a large source of the problems my wife and I were experiencing. Please, by all means, take other viewpoints into consideration. However, based on my experience, I cannot give a personal endorsement for Retrouvaille.
 
That is why I am asking for both views. Also, my wife already filed. It cannot really make matters worse. Most the stress she recieved came from me. I have dealt with my stuff or at least I am trying to. She has done absolutely nothing. She feels miserable in the relationship and just wants out but only because she cannot communicate her misery or needs. Basically I think she and I both need this even if it ends in divorce if for no other reason than to help us communicate about our child. However, I do appreciate your imput. You are the first I have ever heard say anything negative about it. I did feel like I was getting too much positive for it to be real. However I have seen several articles quote that close to 80% of the couples were still together after 1-5 years. I adjusted for the fact that only 2/3 responded to the survey and that still makes for better than 52%
 
Retrouvaille is more than just a weekend. There are 8-10 (can’t remember) followup meetings which put into practice what you leaned at the weekend retreat. I cannot stress enough that both partners must want to fix the marriage otherwise it is unlikely to work.
 
My in-laws went, and I would say that it gave them the tools to restore their marriage.

I’d give it a big 👍

My wife and I had previously attended a Marriage Encounter weekend, which is the parent org to Retrouvaille.

M.E. is primarily a retreat for married couples in a good, healthy relationship, but there would be couples on the retreat that had troubled marriages and were looking for healing in the M.E. retreat. That was not a good mix.

So Retrouvaille was born out of the basic framework of communication in M.E. but modified heavily to help heal troubled marriage.

Both parties will need to WANT to be there, and WANT to heal the marriage, or it will do more damage than good.
 
Vital_Armor said:
That is why I am asking for both views. Also, my wife already filed. It cannot really make matters worse. Most the stress she recieved came from me. I have dealt with my stuff or at least I am trying to. She has done absolutely nothing. She feels miserable in the relationship and just wants out but only because she cannot communicate her misery or needs. Basically I think she and I both need this even if it ends in divorce if for no other reason than to help us communicate about our child. However, I do appreciate your imput. You are the first I have ever heard say anything negative about it. I did feel like I was getting too much positive for it to be real. However I have seen several articles quote that close to 80% of the couples were still together after 1-5 years. I adjusted for the fact that only 2/3 responded to the survey and that still makes for better than 52%
Click to expand...
It sounds to me that at this point it won’t hurt, and it certainly could help, so go.
 
Well I have heard a lot of stories where one spouse decided to go basically to shut the other spouse up with divorce papers in hand and ended up getting a lot out of it. But who knows?
 
My sister and her husband went and still ended up divorce. My husband and I went and found it helpful, but did not keep up with what your suppose to for the program to work. I felt this program was not for everyone. One couple that attended could not communicate well with her dh due to him having autism. Others, like myself, the other spouse has some psychological problems and so retrouvaille alone will not help. I think seeing a counselor would need to be in order in cases like that and mine. Pray, and do what you feel the Lord is calling you to. I did not feel either that the program was entirely Catholic as it states. The reason I base that on is that they encourage you to make love as often as you like for the sake of the marriage. We were the only Catholics there that used NFP and so we don’t have sex whenever we wanted. The others were all on some artificial birth control or had surgery to prevent pregnancies. We were told the program is for non-Catholics as well and this is why they said those things, but the program is Catholic and even a priest came to give us a talk. So it is a Catholic program and therefore, we felt it should also encourage NFP and not sex whenever you want it. For the many couples that were there to give their testimony, many have committed adultery. That may not have happened so much if using NFP. That is just my opinion.
 
Retrouvaille teaching is based on the beliefs of the Catholic Church, but it isn’t run as such. Which is why people of any denomination are welcome. There are morning services and a mass on the first day, but those are entirely optional.
 
We don’t really have any problem with birth control or sex or Catholicism. There is just a lot of anger, fear and pain that is preventing her from communicating with me.
 
Vital Armor that is exactly how I am feeling right now with my husband, just like your wife. We went to the Retrouvaille in 05 and it did wonders for us back then, or so I thought. But since then life has happened and 7 children in I can tell you it was worth it but then again I am back at square one with this man. I think it is exhausting as someone mentioned and it takes a lot of work, that BOTH must be willing to do.
 
I think this anger and pain needs to be sorted out first. She will have to come to terms with it or truly forgive you before you can start to heal you marriage.

Unfortunately, I speak from my own experience with my wife. Although, she says she has forgiven me for the things she preserves I wrong her with, but in truth she still harbors a deep grudge that I fear only time will make her forget.
Vital_Armor said:
We don’t really have any problem with birth control or sex or Catholicism. There is just a lot of anger, fear and pain that is preventing her from communicating with me.
Click to expand...
 
Well her fear and anger stem from communication problems. She is afraid to communicate because in the past I just wanted to fix instead of listen. This angered her so she stopped communicating. If I can get her to feel safe eniugh to communicate again without me screwing it up I am certain we can woek things out.
 
That definitely has hope Vital Armor. The Retrouvaille would be the retreat for both of you. They teach ways to communicate and listen. My prayers for you and your wife.
 
RyanBlack said:
As for your wife being overwhelmed with stress, the Retrouvaille weekend could possibly worsen that problem, as they force what should take place over several days into one weekend. I understand why they do that, but it was physically and mentally exhausting to me, and constant physical and mental exhaustion was a large source of the problems my wife and I were experiencing. Please, by all means, take other viewpoints into consideration. However, based on my experience, I cannot give a personal endorsement for Retrouvaille.
Click to expand...
If the above is true, I am glad that my wife and I were unable to attend because of distance.

With my wife’s MS, that alone causes both mental and physical fatigue without adding anything else onto it, that would have been a recipe for disaster.
 
To the OP, I am not advocating against going to Retrouvaille, but if you decide that you do not want to go, might I suggest a book?

amazon.com/gp/product/0787939838/ref=oh_details_o00_s00_i00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage

I have not finished the book, but so far what I have read has been nothing but helpful. I have even read some of it to my wife on Sunday during a discussion and it didn’t even end up in an argument.

I am not saying this the cure-all for my marriage, but it will give us the tools to help us in our marriage to make for a better one overall as our problem is communication.
 
If she is ready to at least try counseling. Find a counselor who is pro marriage. I found one through our diocese. It has done wonders.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top