Retrouvaille

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mutombo

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My wife and I are going to Retrouvaille next weekend and I am excited about this opportunity. She has been upset with me for the past couple of months because she feels like I haven’t loved her in the way she needs/deserves to be loved. I was sadly unaware that she felt like this and once she told me she had already blocked me off physically and emotionally. We have made some small steps forward and the retrouvaille was her idea. I just want the opportunity to show her I can be the husband she needs me to be. I understand we need to learn from the past, but Im just so ready to have my wife back and to start learning how we can be the couple the Lord wants us to be.

My main concern now is the weekend isn’t going to be what she thinks it will be. She talks about it like we are going to be sitting down with a counselor and being forced to talk and listen. I have read some reviews on the program and it seems we will never talk with anyone except each other? I just worry its not going to be what she is expecting so she is going to think it’s not beneficial for us.

I pray God opens up both of our hearts next weekend and we can start the healing process.
 
I also think she kind of looks at like an opportunity to dive into some issues of our past, but it seems the theme of the weekend is healing and to learn to put the past behind us.
 
Tell her that.

It may be that you guys will need the sort of counseling she envisions, but hopefully Retrouvaille will put you on a friendlier footing for doing that.
 
well I guess I set myself up with the question. Even if it isn’t what she is expecting I am still hoping/praying it can make a positive impact on our marriage. I definitely don’t want to say something to make her have second thoughts about going.
 
I guess I am just looking for insight for the weekend, hoping couples who have attended can give some words of encouragement
 
Since she chose the Retrouvaille approach, honor it, and let the Holy Spirit work through the weekend. It’s quite possible you’ll come away from the weekend with a clearer vision of whether or not you two could benefit from counseling, and then search for a good Catholic therapist to work with. Baby steps. You didn’t get to this point in one fell swoop.

We’ll pray for you and the others on your weekend.
 
mutombo said:
My main concern now is the weekend isn’t going to be what she thinks it will be.
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I am a little worried about that too. Just from what you have written, the relationships sounds a little one sided.

This sounds like a pretty big jump too. Have you been having discussions with her about problems in your marriage?

God bless you and your wife. I hope she is not going into this with the preconcieved idea that “this will set you straight”. Please forgive me for being blunt, but from the way you have this written that’s the vibe I am getting.
 
Hopefully she knows a little bit about the weekend if she is the one who suggested it.

As you gathered, it is not one-on-one counseling. In fact, you spend most of your time either as part of the group in the sessions or with your spouse doing the exercises.

My husband and I thoroughly enjoyed our weekend and got a great deal out of it, but it did not replace the need for marriage counseling.
 
Yeah she recommended it because a family member suggested it to her. She requested the info online from the site so maybe she has a general idea of what is going to happen. I’m just hesitant to try and communicate what the details are, from what I’ve read, because I don’t want to not go at this point. She hasn’t comepletly shut me out. We have normal convos about our day and we talk some but it’s never about our relationship or any of her frustrations. I feel like retrouvaille is the only thing that will allow us to take a step in the right direction.

Is there a chance to talk about the past during the weekend? I know it’s about healing but hopefully she is able to voice some of her pain from things I have or haven’t done in the past

I am definitely asking for prayers either way
 
Actually, they expressly DON’T want you to discuss the past. In fact, they will say that at the beginning of the weekend. The purpose of the weekend is not to rehash past hurts, but to explore a deeper way of communicating and understanding how the other feels. This is not the time to discuss the things that have happened in the past, nor are the people there qualified to help work out those problems. These are not marriage counselors. These are regular people who have gone through the program themselves.

There is quite a bit of writing. Most of your time is spend writing the exercises and then discussing what you wrote with your spouse. The days are very full and structured so there really isn’t any time to discuss anything other than what the exercises call for.
 
Well I am glad I asked. It seems the weekend has been a positive experience for a lot of couples, and I hope it does the same for us.

One of the things she has mentioned is being intimidated by me during conversations, not in a physical sense, but more like I control the conversation and I don’t allow her to talk or to say what she feels she needs to say. I hope the weekend can help me learn how to not be like that for her. I also tend to be a problem solver, so I don’t want to try and correct her on her expectations for this weekend. She is the one who recommended this and suggested it, so hopefully if it isn’t what she is expecting she can still find some value in it and it will help us to start moving in the right direction.
 
Yes!

The exercises during the weekend will be extremely helpful with this problem. The entire weekend is meant to improve communication between both of you. The written exercises and then discussions really ensure that each person is fully heard.

It’s more about feelings than issues. Feelings are neither right nor wrong. They just are. Often, women don’t want their bad feeling “fixed”, just heard. Men will have a difficult time with this because they want to fix what they see as a problem. The weekend also focuses on validating the other’s feeling and not trying to change it or convince them they shouldn’t feel that way. They also help with describing how one feels in a way that the other can understand (i.e. saying I feel “sad” isn’t really helpful but saying you feel sad like when a favorite pet died is more descriptive and relatable).
 
That makes me feel a lot better. I think a lot of what you said PhiloMed is what my wife has said and what she thinks. She has said multiple times she needs me to listen so she feels understood and if she feels understood she will feel valued.

I definitely don’t have a problem revealing my feelings. I just don’t know how, and when I do i’m not very good at it. I almost feel like a cave man where im “sad” or “angry” or “frustrated” and I know those words don’t have a lot of depth. I also know I need help making sure I validate her feelings rather than explaining why she should or shouldn’t feel that way.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut, im anxious to hear more thoughts from people who have experience with the Retrouvaille weekend
 
Wonderful weekend - just completed the 6? Post-Sessions - pls don’t miss those! They are as important if not more so than the weekend - it’s done us both a world of good and we were on the ragged edge of divorce. Met great folks all without any “masks” - know nothing of their story, only assume they are fighting to preserve something objectively good. (Presenter Teams tell their stories though) - We plan on attending monthly(?) CORE sessions w/ this group - We recommended it to two couples and both were very grateful we did. Wish I’d have done this years ago but likely best in a crisis. Of course it’s no magic bullet and continued efforts are a must but it’s been tremendously effective for us. Hope it is/was for you and yours.
 
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