Return an anniv gift?

[JLCecilia]

Alright, I’m sure I will get stoned for this one, but here goes . . .

DH and I have been married for nearly 3 years. On our first anniv, DH bought me an earrings/necklace set in the birthstone of our firstborn (which happens to be the same month as DH’s bday). I was not expecting this and I thought we had agreed not to do anything for each other, so I didn’t even get him a card!!!

Since I pay the bills, his ‘surprise’ was ruined (to me at least) when I saw the charge on his credit card!!! I was a little upset b/c he knows how I feel about debt, and charging something to a card when you really can’t afford it isn’t much of a gift in my mind.

Well, here’s the kicker. I really didn’t like the set, I’m not a jewelry person. I did try to wear it on a few occasions for his benefit mostly. I ended up returning the item and unfortunately I only got 1/2 the money back since it showed signs of wear. I was hoping to at least exchange it for something I liked, but there was nothing in my price range, so I sold the store credit to my mother for grocery money.

I know, I know, it sounds more and more aweful every time I think about it. I tend to be a more practical person than a sentimentalist, so I couldn’t justify hanging on to an expensive piece of jewelry that I would never wear just b/c DH bought it for me. I justify all of this b/c of the credit card issue. I have never told DH (guess I’m a little ashamed). . .your thoughts?

 

[kevinsgirl]

Alright, I’m sure I will get stoned for this one, but here goes . . .

DH and I have been married for nearly 3 years. On our first anniv, DH bought me an earrings/necklace set in the birthstone of our firstborn (which happens to be the same month as DH’s bday). I was not expecting this and I thought we had agreed not to do anything for each other, so I didn’t even get him a card!!!

Since I pay the bills, his ‘surprise’ was ruined (to me at least) when I saw the charge on his credit card!!! I was a little upset b/c he knows how I feel about debt, and charging something to a card when you really can’t afford it isn’t much of a gift in my mind.

Well, here’s the kicker. I really didn’t like the set, I’m not a jewelry person. I did try to wear it on a few occasions for his benefit mostly. I ended up returning the item and unfortunately I only got 1/2 the money back since it showed signs of wear. I was hoping to at least exchange it for something I liked, but there was nothing in my price range, so I sold the store credit to my mother for grocery money.

I know, I know, it sounds more and more aweful every time I think about it. I tend to be a more practical person than a sentimentalist, so I couldn’t justify hanging on to an expensive piece of jewelry that I would never wear just b/c DH bought it for me. I justify all of this b/c of the credit card issue. I have never told DH (guess I’m a little ashamed). . .your thoughts?

I have no problem bringing up the charge to your DH and telling him that you’re uncomfortable with it costing $x and can he maybe return it and you can pick out something else that it more affordable together.

What I do have a problem with is you returning it without your husband’s knowledge…and not even getting the full price for it so he will be paying twice what it’s worth and he won’t even be able to say that he’s doing it for his wife. That’s what get me. You need to own up, in my honest opinion. And your DH is probably gonna be hurt, but I honestly think you shouldn’t go selling jewelry he gives you without his knowledge…even if you need the money. Which leads to another question–did you really need the money or you decided to just get rid of it?

Oh, and another thing. I’m a sentimental person, so keeping that in mind, but I think you should always do something special for your anniversary. It doesn’t have to even involve much money. A sweet letter to your spouse telling him how much he means to you and you appreciate all he’s done for you in the past year, wearing the lacy undies to bed, having dinner in bed together…all things that can make your anniversary special because it should be celebrated.

 

[kage_ar]

At this point, telling him would do what good? It would maybe hurt him.

If he asks “where is that necklace” - then, tell him that things were tight and you sold it for grocery money. Spare him the details that he picked out something you did not like.

One year, right after I came into the Church, the only thing I wanted was a simple sterling crucifix necklace. $$ was tight, but, DH had heard me talk about wanting a crucifix necklace.

On Christmas, I opened a jewelry box - it contained a necklace, a cross made up of tiny diamond chips and 14 K gold. I know it cost more than the sterling, I do not wear gold, and it was just not me.

I still have that cross and wear it now and then. It is not my taste, but, DH liked it and so I wear it for him.

 

[kevinsgirl]

At this point, telling him would do what good? It would maybe hurt him.

If he asks “where is that necklace” - then, tell him that things were tight and you sold it for grocery money. Spare him the details that he picked out something you did not like.

You’re probably right. It would hurt him more to know.

 

[JLCecilia]

Well this brings up a couple of issues for me . . .sorry, getting off the original subject:

1. I have a ‘thing’ about gifts. I kill myself trying to come up w/ ideas for gifts for him - birthday, Christmas and I’m never sure if he likes them or not. I ask him and ask him if there’s anything he wants specifically, but he says he doesn’t care. I never get the reaction from him that he’s really stoked about anything I get him, so I get very discouraged and would just rather forego the whole thing. I feel this way about gifts in general (see my posts re: Christmas). I have a hard time spending any amount of money on something unless I’m sure it’s something the person truly wants. Time and effort in gift-hunting is difficult w/ the demands of work and family and is generally just an occasion of stress for me. On the receiving end, I keep a running list of things I would like if the $$$/occasion presents itself. I also don’t enjoy getting a gift just to get a gift, I would rather have the money to buy the thing I really want - that and the time to myself to go buy it! This is one subject which makes it all too clear to me just how little DH and I know about one another.
2. I don’t remember how I felt on our first anniv (6 wks post- partum, the day before returning to work, ugh!), but I remember specifically last year, and even now looking ahead to our anniv next month - it is not something I really feel like celebrating (see my recent posts about DH). I think that’s why I intentionally make no effort on the occasion. I make all the arrangements for the kiddos and our plans for the evening, he’s normally late b/c he slept in, so he gets off late. And naturally, when we come home to an empty house, the occasion presents itself for intimacy, but he’d rather get on the computer. He may get a wild hair around 2am., but that means waking me from a peaceful slumber (hard fought for after tossing and turning in a fit of depression).

Couple this w/ my 1st bday after having a child . . .DH hadn’t planned anything. He did get me a card, but naturally, I had to log the receipt for this in the checkbook, so I saw that he bought the card on his way home. After that, I asked him to please get cash from the ATM so it wouldn’t be clear to me when he bought whatever or how much he spent.

Yes, you can say it, I am nearly impossible to please. UGH!!! I’m open to your responses - it never fails that I can draw some nugget of wisdom from here.

 

[Magicsilence]

Well this brings up a couple of issues for me . . .sorry, getting off the original subject:

1. I have a ‘thing’ about gifts. I kill myself trying to come up w/ ideas for gifts for him - birthday, Christmas and I’m never sure if he likes them or not. I ask him and ask him if there’s anything he wants specifically, but he says he doesn’t care. I never get the reaction from him that he’s really stoked about anything I get him, so I get very discouraged and would just rather forego the whole thing. I feel this way about gifts in general (see my posts re: Christmas). I have a hard time spending any amount of money on something unless I’m sure it’s something the person truly wants. Time and effort in gift-hunting is difficult w/ the demands of work and family and is generally just an occasion of stress for me. On the receiving end, I keep a running list of things I would like if the $$$/occasion presents itself. I also don’t enjoy getting a gift just to get a gift, I would rather have the money to buy the thing I really want - that and the time to myself to go buy it! This is one subject which makes it all too clear to me just how little DH and I know about one another.
2. I don’t remember how I felt on our first anniv (6 wks post- partum, the day before returning to work, ugh!), but I remember specifically last year, and even now looking ahead to our anniv next month - it is not something I really feel like celebrating (see my recent posts about DH). I think that’s why I intentionally make no effort on the occasion. I make all the arrangements for the kiddos and our plans for the evening, he’s normally late b/c he slept in, so he gets off late. And naturally, when we come home to an empty house, the occasion presents itself for intimacy, but he’d rather get on the computer. He may get a wild hair around 2am., but that means waking me from a peaceful slumber (hard fought for after tossing and turning in a fit of depression).

Couple this w/ my 1st bday after having a child . . .DH hadn’t planned anything. He did get me a card, but naturally, I had to log the receipt for this in the checkbook, so I saw that he bought the card on his way home. After that, I asked him to please get cash from the ATM so it wouldn’t be clear to me when he bought whatever or how much he spent.

Yes, you can say it, I am nearly impossible to please. UGH!!! I’m open to your responses - it never fails that I can draw some nugget of wisdom from here.

You know, buying a card on the way home might seem insensitive, but to a guy, it is efficient.

I am sure you know the old ‘its the thought that counts’, but have you considered what this represents in reality? I think it means comprehending the intent behind the purchase while also understanding the mentality of the person giving, and knowing their weaknesses.

It seems to me that you don’t really KNOW your DH all too well, despite being married to him. If you don’t know each others mentality fully, then misunderstandings will arise, right?

Have you tried talking to him directly about these issues?

 

[Shiann]

Well this brings up a couple of issues for me . . .sorry, getting off the original subject:

1. I have a ‘thing’ about gifts. I kill myself trying to come up w/ ideas for gifts for him - birthday, Christmas and I’m never sure if he likes them or not. I ask him and ask him if there’s anything he wants specifically, but he says he doesn’t care. I never get the reaction from him that he’s really stoked about anything I get him, so I get very discouraged and would just rather forego the whole thing. I feel this way about gifts in general (see my posts re: Christmas). I have a hard time spending any amount of money on something unless I’m sure it’s something the person truly wants. Time and effort in gift-hunting is difficult w/ the demands of work and family and is generally just an occasion of stress for me. On the receiving end, I keep a running list of things I would like if the $$$/occasion presents itself. I also don’t enjoy getting a gift just to get a gift, I would rather have the money to buy the thing I really want - that and the time to myself to go buy it! This is one subject which makes it all too clear to me just how little DH and I know about one another.

Tell him this. Help him understand that the time and the opportunity to go get something you REALLY want is really valuable to you.

1. I don’t remember how I felt on our first anniv (6 wks post- partum, the day before returning to work, ugh!), but I remember specifically last year, and even now looking ahead to our anniv next month - it is not something I really feel like celebrating (see my recent posts about DH). I think that’s why I intentionally make no effort on the occasion. I make all the arrangements for the kiddos and our plans for the evening, he’s normally late b/c he slept in, so he gets off late. And naturally, when we come home to an empty house, the occasion presents itself for intimacy, but he’d rather get on the computer. He may get a wild hair around 2am., but that means waking me from a peaceful slumber (hard fought for after tossing and turning in a fit of depression).

Sounds like you’re disenchanted with DH. Start altering YOUR outlook, which is the one you have control of. If you have such a poo poo attitude about the occassions, why should he have a happy one or go out of his way to make it nice?

Some men don’t know HOW to make it nice… they aren’t very creative, and end up stopping at the grocery store on the way home from work and getting the first thing that looks ‘girly’. They don’t know what you’d like- they are embarrassed but want you to be happy.

This really is an occassion where it’s the thought that counts.

Couple this w/ my 1st bday after having a child . . .DH hadn’t planned anything. He did get me a card, but naturally, I had to log the receipt for this in the checkbook, so I saw that he bought the card on his way home. After that, I asked him to please get cash from the ATM so it wouldn’t be clear to me when he bought whatever or how much he spent.

I understand the cash comment, but I find this REALLY IRONIC.

You want to tell him what you want for these special occassions, yet you’re telling him to get cash so you don’t know!?

I’m confused, and I’m a woman adn wife… imagine what you’re poor husband is thinking

Yes, you can say it, I am nearly impossible to please. UGH!!! I’m open to your responses - it never fails that I can draw some nugget of wisdom from here.

Naw, it just seems you want your cake and eat it too. You sound overworked, under appreicated, and frustrated with your husband. (Probably for something much deeper than these issues).

Hug your husband, tell him you love him and his gifts (or in spite of his gifts LOL ).

 

[JLCecilia]

Yeah, my main thing w/ getting cash from the ATM is so I won’t know what he spent on me - like when I to log the purchase in our checkbook or come across the purchase on our statement.

I have mulled this over in my head w/ things like getting flowers on our anniversary. I want flowers delivered to me at work, but I don’t want to have to tell him to do it, it just sucks the joy out of getting them. And then I feel ingenuine thanking him for them.

And yes, I have told him specifically the things I want, or at least told him ‘here, I keep a running list if you need any ideas.’ But he doesn’t bother. See my post about mother’s day last year.

UGH!!!

 

[Shiann]

Yeah, my main thing w/ getting cash from the ATM is so I won’t know what he spent on me - like when I to log the purchase in our checkbook or come across the purchase on our statement.

I have mulled this over in my head w/ things like getting flowers on our anniversary. I want flowers delivered to me at work, but I don’t want to have to tell him to do it, it just sucks the joy out of getting them. And then I feel ingenuine thanking him for them.

And yes, I have told him specifically the things I want, or at least told him ‘here, I keep a running list if you need any ideas.’ But he doesn’t bother. See my post about mother’s day last year.

UGH!!!

So make it easy for both of you since you are in charge of the money. Tell him each of you get $xxxx amount on your birthdays, anniversaries, and xmas to buy whatever you want. If you feel the need to get a card, for the other half that’s ok, and take eachother out to dinner. DH knows what to expect, and what is expected of him, you’ve budgeted the gifts, adn everyone gets to pick out their own stuff or stash the money for a rainy day if they wish.

 

[kage_ar]

“Honey, sometimes I wonder what to get for you when it comes to those gift giving occasions. Do me a favor, please? Go to Amazon.com and set up a wish list. Look, I did one too!”

Amazon has way more than books, and it might give you both a place to leave your lists.

 

[SarahR]

(((hugs to you))) you sound beyond burnt-out. You’ll be in my special intentions.

But I agree with Shiann. It sounds like your mind is on a track to be displeased with so much about your husband…and that never helps. I read some of your other posts and might I gently suggest that you refocus? Your husband has tremendous dignity and is soooo loved by God, despite all his flaws (and mine and yours too!) God views him as unique and precious. Ask God to help you change your view of your husband and to give you some of His love for your husband.
No, this won’t pay the bills and won’t get him a degree or whatever, but in the meantime, you must treat him as a valuable, dignified man…YOUR man. If you pray to God to love him more, and really honestly submit to Him, you might be amazed.

Blessings and peace to you and your marriage!

 

[duskyjewel]

I couldn’t justify hanging on to an expensive piece of jewelry that I would never wear just b/c DH bought it for me

That sounds beyond cold. Isn’t your DH the most important person in the world to you? You make him sound like just some guy off the street here.

Even if you are not a jewelry person, why couldn’t you make the sacrifice of wearing it once in a while, just to please him?

He picked out jewelry with your child’s birth stone. Lots of guys don’t put that much thought into things… if I asked my husband to list all our children’s birthstones, he couldn’t get them all right!

Even if you are not sentimental, you could have showed him some respect. I suspect he will be crushed when he finds out. He put his heart into that gift, and you sold it for grocery money.

I agree that debt is not the wisest thing, but he is a grownup. He understands debt, right? Perhaps you should trust his judgement a bit more. He may even have worked out a plan to pay it off before he bought it… do you know? In any case, he chose to take the risk of debt to give you something special. He put himself on the line like that, for you. His ego is going to be very damaged, and I don’t know how you fix something like this…

 

[bluerose]

I think this sums it up…

“What we have here is a failure to communicate.”

Sometimes my husband is amazingly astute about what I like and would want as a gift or surprise. And other times, he is equally amazingly obtuse. Face it: you HAVE to TELL your spouse what you like and what you want. This does not mean necessarily “writing a letter to Santa Claus” complete with size, color, and catalog page number (or maybe it might, you know your guys better than I do!) But it does mean sitting down with DH and saying, “Look, I know it must be stressful to have to try to read my mind every time my birthday, Christmas or our anniversary rolls around. I feel the same way (okay, maybe you don’t, but just say it anyway!) so why don’t we talk about the things we like and don’t like and help each other out?”

Then TALK about it… honestly. Most men think a heart-shaped box of Russell Stover chocolates, a bouquet of red roses, and a $5 Hallmark card followed by dinner at an expensive restaurant is what women want for Valentine’s Day. That’s what the stores are pushing, that’s what everyone’s buying, so that must be what women want! Imagine his surprise if you say you’d rather have a bag of almond M&Ms, a single white carnation, a bunch of "I love you"s written on Post-It notes everywhere from the coffee pot to the shower faucet, and carry-out pizza or Chinese take-out at a local park to watch the sunset. (Hey! That whole thing is cheaper than just the roses!)

And don’t get offended if he has to get a notebook to write things down. My husband once made up a list of things I absolutely DETEST just so he would be able to stay out of the doghouse and I actually appreciated the fact that he cared enough to at least avoid something I hated. Sometimes “romance” starts with a little consideration (example: I cannot STAND to be called “baby doll”. He made note of this early in our relationship. You know what it means that in twenty years of various endearments, he has not ONCE called me “baby doll”? Priceless!)

But it’s not romantic if you have to tell him? I used to think that, too, until I realized it’s even LESS romantic to have to pretend to like cliched, overly expensive gifts every year. My husband and I have been married twenty years and he knows I’m a bookworm. He will not attempt to buy me books (my tastes are so eclectic and it would take a librarian to keep track of what I’ve already read), but he WILL get me a gift card to Barnes and Noble and treat me to an afternoon there (alone, or he’ll join me sometimes) and then a treat at Starbucks before heading home.

What’s romantic is that you are learning more and more about each other. That’s always a good thing and the best gift there is.

P.S–about the money thing… I hear you. Money’s always a concern. But as long as he isn’t breaking the bank every single week on frivolities, let him spoil you once in a while. My DH did this on our 20th anniversary. The plan was a two-night stay at a nice hotel and a nice dinner out–no other gifts. He surprised me with a heart-shaped “journey of love” pendant as well. Do I want to know how much over the budget he went? Not really. Somehow we’ll pay the bills. Not everyone reaches their 20th anniversary (or their 2nd, for that matter). My BIL resisted his wife’s attempts to plan a big trip back East where he grew up for his birthday, on the grounds that they couldn’t afford it, they didn’t have time, etc. Well he was right: time ran out. She died a year later. He might have still been paying the bills for that trip, but at least he would have had those memories.