Returning feelings for ex when married

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catholicmommy2

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I have a few questions on the feelings I have been having for the past few weeks. Let me start off with some background on my marriage. My husband and I dated for less than a year when we got married and have been married for almost 8 years now. When we met, my husband was catholic and I was not, but we prepared for and got married in the Catholic Church.
Before I met my husband I dated another man who I met when I was 17 and he was four years older (but age was not the problem as I have always been mature for mine). At this time I believed in God and occasionally prayed, but that was the extent of my religion. I was a virgin when I met him, he was not and we did have premarital sex. Despite my trust issues and the many arguments we had, we were very much in love. We dated for two years, and near the end, even though I was still in love with him, I began having feelings for another man, my now husband. I tried being honest with my boyfriend about these feelings and told him about these feelings, but we broke up and over the next week he begged me to stay and I wanted to, but I didn’t. He ended up leaving work and school and completely cut himself off from me. I guess I assumed that we would get back together so when he did this I moved on with my new relationship. The thing is we were still in love and I broke his heart, so I am not very proud of how my husband and I got together.
Over the next few months my husband helped me grieve and in time I fell in love with him and he with me. We decided to marry and have now been married for 8 years. In this time, I went through RCIA and was baptized and became catholic. We also have built a great life together and have two beautiful children. I love my husband, even though we have had our share of struggles, but I never could stop having love for my ex-boyfriend, I think I just suppressed my feelings. I do not consider myself a “cafeteria” catholic, meaning I do not pick and choose what rules to follow, but I do struggle with daily prayer and going to church “every” week.
The reason I am writing this is because over the past few weeks I have been having very strong feelings for my previous relationship. I am very regretful and remorseful for leaving him the way I did, for breaking his heart and creating such a big change in his life. I do not know how he is doing now, but I do run into his mom occasionally. She always asks how I am but never mentions her son. I find myself thinking about him all the time and wondering what he is doing, if he moved on, found a career, had children and if he is happy. Even though I do love my husband, I can’t help but miss my first love and I can’t help thinking, why didn’t I stay with him or what would life be like with him now (yes I know what this means in regards to my children and I would not trade them for anything, so please understand my meaning here).
Even though it has been 9 years since I was with this man, I still feel like he has a piece of my heart and I want him in my life. I don’t understand why I felt steered to leave him and marry my husband when I still loved him so much? I know God has a plan, but why did God bring this man into my life and take him out? Why was I able to move on, but am having feelings now? Why did I not reconsider given the attempts for both of us to get back together? What do I do now, I know I need to tell my husband but how? I feel like I need closure. Do I reach out? Do I try to forget it? I am so lost. I feel sick and filled with regret for what I did to him.
 
*And another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but first let me say farewell to my family at home.” (To him) Jesus said, “No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God.” *Luke 9:61-62

Your feelings are entirely natural and you ought not beat yourself up about them. God did not make your choices for you, though. You made them. It will not help you to rehearse thoughts in which you are the victim of your actions, but not their author.

When you have these “second thoughts,” you need to re-embrace the choice you made. You cannot have both what you had and what you have. You can, however, make choices so that when all is said and done you have neither. Don’t go there. You paid the price for your choices. Your first husband paid the price. Your husband helped you to pay the price. All that suffering made the good things in your life possible. Of course it is OK to pray for the man whose heart you broke, it is even OK to do penance as a way to work out your contrition for the pain you caused him, but you cannot put the egg back into the shell. You are on the right track now. Be thankful for that, and live your sacramental marriage well. Do not go looking this fellow up or disturbing him in any way. Accept that as the temporal consequences of your choices: that is, that you will not be close to him again until you see each other again as the angels do. Put your hand to the vocation you have, be thankful for all the blessings you have been given in it, be thankful that you have been given a good husband to love and give your life to, and resolve that you will never again go through what you have had to go through. Do not look back at the road not travelled, and especially do not look back with melancholy or some thought you can undo your choices. It can only do harm.
 
EasterJoy said:
*And another said, “I will follow you, Lord, but first let me say farewell to my family at home.” (To him) Jesus said, “No one who sets a hand to the plow and looks to what was left behind is fit for the kingdom of God.” *Luke 9:61-62

Your feelings are entirely natural and you ought not beat yourself up about them. God did not make your choices for you, though. You made them. It will not help you to rehearse thoughts in which you are the victim of your actions, but not their author.

When you have these “second thoughts,” you need to re-embrace the choice you made. You cannot have both what you had and what you have. You can, however, make choices so that when all is said and done you have neither. Don’t go there. You paid the price for your choices. Your first husband paid the price. Your husband helped you to pay the price. All that suffering made the good things in your life possible. Of course it is OK to pray for the man whose heart you broke, it is even OK to do penance as a way to work out your contrition for the pain you caused him, but you cannot put the egg back into the shell. You are on the right track now. Be thankful for that, and live your sacramental marriage well. Do not go looking this fellow up or disturbing him in any way. Accept that as the temporal consequences of your choices: that is, that you will not be close to him again until you see each other again as the angels do. Put your hand to the vocation you have, be thankful for all the blessings you have been given in it, be thankful that you have been given a good husband to love and give your life to, and resolve that you will never again go through what you have had to go through. Do not look back at the road not travelled, and especially do not look back with melancholy or some thought you can undo your choices. It can only do harm.
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You have essentially described my “first love” we were young same age, dated for two years and were very much in love. We broke up as young adults finding their way do and he started dating someone else and they had a son and they married soon after as he always believed children should be raised by married parents who love one another and the children. Despite all this, our being in love wasn’t resolved and we would catch up (with his wife’s full knowledge and consent) over the years and keep in contact via social media. Let me spare you some more time and energy.

Pray over it and offer it to God. If you were meant to be with this man things would have gone differently. You are not in love with him, you are in love with the person he was back then. You do not know him now. I spent a lot of time wrapped up in something that I should have let go, and saved the “good memories” for when I was old and retelling my life to the grandkids. I entered a rebound relationship because I wasn’t going to be by myself while he was married to somebody. It was lunacy and a lot to put yourself through between ages 19 - 21 while trying to work and go to college. Although we never crossed a physical line and his wife knew we remained in contact and was okay, in hindsight now that I am older, more mature and discerning marriage for myself I cannot imagine the stress it put on their marriage as he was not coy with her about the unresolved feelings for me, three people suffered and stumbled for a while because two of us didn’t know how to be broken hearted, heal and move forward.

I had to put a lot of healthy distance between us and made some choices that would benefit my future. Your future has already started you are blessed with a husband and children and If I were you I wouldn’t put the stress of this old flame on your current blessings, its not worth it. Pray for your former, pray that he is happy and has health, wealth and a good relationship with God but please do not hold yourself in the past. Do yourself, your husband and children that favor.
 
Please don’t hurt your husband by mentioning this to him. It’s not something he can solve - it just simply would not be a constructive thing to do.

It’s okay to appreciate the good things about your former boyfriend and the relationship you had. Thank God for the special joys you HAD – memories are part of who we are. And pray for the bf, that his life is blessed.

Your “desires” are a “grass is greener on the other side” temptation – and distraction from what you have now. Cut it out. Don’t let emotions and fantasies distract you from what is real, and from what God wants you to do. To obsess about him and to fantasize about “what might have been” are wrong, and requires thoughtful prayer.

Lucifer and his troops are playing with you and your vulnerability – recognize it for what it is. You haven’t stopped feeling guilty for hurting your bf. If you’ve confessed this, it’s time to forgive yourself and move on. Don’t be a slave to your feelings.

Fervently, pray and pray again your gratitude for your husband and family and the many ways you are blessed now. List things, every day, which you appreciate about your husband, as you pray. Be a faithful wife. Stop worrying about “closure” and rejoice about “now.”
 
Are you getting Love and Lust mixed up? We choose to love people. We can lust and love the same person (like my wife). However just lusting is more of an emotional response.

Also, memory is a tricky thing. We tend to remember the good and forget the bad. The more we dwell on questions, the more we want to know the answer. Great for a logical problem like math, horrible for past relationships. Look forward with your life and be grateful on what you have. You can read old post here about people who threw their marriage away for a fling. Perhaps that will help you.
 
catholicmommy2 said:
What do I do now, I know I need to tell my husband but how? I feel like I need closure. Do I reach out? Do I try to forget it? I am so lost. I feel sick and filled with regret for what I did to him.
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No, you DO NOT tell your husband!

You DO NOT reach out to this old flame.

Yes, you try to forget it. You do not need closure if it comes at the expense of others - your husband, your children, and this man who no doubt has made great effort to get over you, which could all be undone if you contact him now.

Many of us have regrets about past relationships. When romantic relationships end, they always (almost always at least) end badly. Otherwise, why would they end? Your relationship with this other man ended and you need to get over it. If you have guilt over how it ended, you need to find a constructure way to deal with it. Talk to your priest, who can hopefully offer you advice. Priests deal with the issue of guilt all the time and often have great insight into how to cope.
 
Don’t tell your husband. That will not do any good. We all, almost all, have that one special we can’t shake away even if we wanted to. Tresure that feeling, never forget the first kiss, how it was to hold his hand, but go on with your life as it is now. No matter how much in love you may have been, it will never be the same again, but don’t forget. I guess I lure you to commit a sin, but if love is a sin I don’t want to think how shallow we are. One thing though, do not try to contact him, he has changed, and that is how life goes on. We love, we hate, we laugh, we cry, but love is always the same. You have a good life and enjoy that. Guess I did not help you much, but all I can say is that I understand, more then well and more then anyone ever will know.
 
I would consider these feelings an aspect of lust that we often fail to identify. It is a temptation for infidelty. In fact, from everything I’ve read, falling in love was classically understood to be a form of lust. It was a type of lust that was understood to last between 3 months to about 3 years. It always promised things it didn’t actually offered and it thrived in adversity (that is to say, the more obsticles you have at being together, the stronger the urge is to be with the person.)

While it has been many years, it does sound like you haven’t been in contact with this guy for a long time. As such, your mind is dwelling on memory and fantasy. In some sense, it’s not much different than having an obsession with a fictional romantic character, except that the person behind the memory and fantasy is real and thus there is the possibility for a complete and total breech of fidelty in your marriage.

Love is a choice. I would strive to focus your mind on the good qualities of your spouse and seek to work on any issues you have in your marriage. I think such memories are especially tempting when we’re discontent in our marriage. Marriage takes work and sometimes these memories remind us of a time where things felt so much more rewarding and simpler. And because we’re thinking of a relationship with less history and perhaps only dwelling on the good points, we can delude ourselves into believing that path would have been better.

I met one wise non-Catholic woman on her second marriage. She was happy enough in her current marriage, but she still regretted her divorce. It was a huge hassle and in the long run, marriage was marriage. The new relationship wasn’t any easier than the former.

I wouldn’t tell your husband especially since you want to dignify this experience with the word “love.” This isn’t love.
 
You do not tell your husband.

You do not look up your old flame.

You quit dwelling on these teenage fantasies

You take up your role as wife and mother with more seriousness.

Really, this is childish and you need to STOP it.
 
I don’t mean to be harsh on you, but that is exactly why some people want to only marry a virgin. Do you love your husband or this first love of yours?
As for telling your husband: I have to disagree with everyone else here and I favor telling the husband the truth. But before you proceed with that: first of all, does your husband even know about your sexual history? I agree that you should tell your husband (I’m generally in favor of full disclosure, which I have explained elsewhere). But it’s going to be much different if he’s completely in the dark.

As for yourself, I think you have the feeling of the grass being greener on the other side. Focus on what you have–you made a decision to marry your husband. He should come first in your life. I think you are cheating in your heart–if you reach out to your first lover, you will only create the possibility of cheating in the act. You threw him out of your life; don’t try to bring him back.
 
freiabereinsam said:
As for telling your husband: I have to disagree with everyone else here and I favor telling the husband the truth. But before you proceed with that: first of all, does your husband even know about your sexual history? I agree that you should tell your husband (I’m generally in favor of full disclosure, which I have explained elsewhere)

I did tell my husband about my past and I did so very early in the relationship. I actually always tell him everything. I tend to agree that honesty is the best policy and hence the reason I told my previous boyfriend about my feelings all those years ago. My husband has always known that I feel bad for breaking my boyfriend’s heart, he just doesn’t know now that I have such great feelings of regret.

In that, I know what I am feeling is wrong and I have much to be grateful for, but its the fact that “I THREW HIM OUT OF MY LIFE” I am struggling with. I hate the feeling that I gave up on our relationship for the curiosity of another, and even though I was not married to him, I made the commitment to him when I gave myself to him and then broke it. I know the meaning of marriage, and I am seriously commited this time around. I agree with others that love is a choice but it is also an emotion (like the love one has for their child, that cannot be controlled) but it is that emotional love I just can’t shake.
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catholicmommy2 said:
In that, I know what I am feeling is wrong and I have much to be grateful for, but its the fact that “I THREW HIM OUT OF MY LIFE” I am struggling with.*** I hate the feeling that I gave up on our relationship for the curiosity of another,*** and even though I was not married to him, I made the commitment to him when I gave myself to him and then broke it. I know the meaning of marriage, and I am seriously commited this time around. I agree with others that love is a choice but it is also an emotion (like the love one has for their child, that cannot be controlled) but it is that emotional love I just can’t shake.
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So, you threw over a man you loved because you were having feelings for another man and were curious. Now you are admitting to being curious about the first man and to having residual feelings for him? Sounds like a recipe for disaster. If you have contact with this man there is a very real danger that history will repeat itself. As much as you may not intend it you would be opening yourself up to a very strong temptation. It’s by far not unrealistic to say it is very possible, maybe even probable, that you’d end up in an emotional or physical affair.

The previous relationship is long over. There is no need for “closure”. Closure happened when he went on to do whatever he has since done and when you married your husband. End of story. Concentrate on loving your husband and on your marriage.
 
catholicmommy2 said:
…(but age was not the problem as I have always been mature for mine)…

The reason I am writing this is because over the past few weeks I have been having very strong feelings for my previous relationship. I am very regretful and remorseful for leaving him the way I did, for breaking his heart and creating such a big change in his life. I do not know how he is doing now, but I do run into his mom occasionally. She always asks how I am but never mentions her son. I find myself thinking about him all the time and wondering what he is doing, if he moved on, found a career, had children and if he is happy. Even though I do love my husband, I can’t help but miss my first love and I can’t help thinking, why didn’t I stay with him or what would life be like with him now (yes I know what this means in regards to my children and I would not trade them for anything, so please understand my meaning here).
Even though it has been 9 years since I was with this man, I still feel like he has a piece of my heart and I want him in my life. I don’t understand why I felt steered to leave him and marry my husband when I still loved him so much? I know God has a plan, but why did God bring this man into my life and take him out? Why was I able to move on, but am having feelings now? Why did I not reconsider given the attempts for both of us to get back together? What do I do now, I know I need to tell my husband but how? I feel like I need closure. Do I reach out? Do I try to forget it? I am so lost. I feel sick and filled with regret for what I did to him.
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Funny how many women tell themselves they’re mature for their age, or that girls mature more quickly than boys. Just ain’t true-- we mature differently but neither sex matures faster. Been around a lot of teenagers since I had 4 sisters, and I have two daughters and girls are just as immature as boys in different ways. They develop faster physically (that creates it’s own problems and challenges) but emotionally etc. no. It’s a lie men like to get women to believe so we can take advantage of them.

You got too involved with someone at too young an age, when you really couldn’t handle it. You didn’t step back from breaking that relationship to understand yourself prior to getting into the next. Why you were willing to get involved with someone else.

Now, you’re wistfully fantasizing/dreaming/wondering about the what would have been instead of focusing on what you have. Sorry if this comes off wrong but-- grow up-- embrace your responsibilities, your man, your kids. Make it very clear to everyone how Catholicmommy treats her man, take pride in how you treat him.

Dangerous road you’re contemplating because of immaturity in your past. It can lead to the destruction of your marriage, you walking away from your kids, distancing yourself emotionally from them, making them believe they are a source of unhappiness, regrets, and inconveniences to you.

How do I know? Wife of 21 years left for her high school sweetheart, kids are with me because, well, they’re really kind of inconvenient in trying to create the what-would-have been scenario. Inconvenient to have in that alternate universe home. She visits them in my home. I can not even begin to tell you how profoundly they’ve been affected by it. How it has made it feel about themselves.

I’'ll be praying for your children.
 
Do NOT tell your husband -all that will do is cause him pain. You feel guilty for having these feelings, do not try to relieve your guilt by being “honest” with him. That is extremely selfish and he deserves better.

DO NOT contact your former flame. You made vows to your husband. Go to confession, get a good spiritual director. This is a temptation by the father of lies to destroy your marriage and your children’s happiness.

You have this fantasy that you destroyed your ex’s life by leaving him. Do you really think this man could not have possibly found another woman that would make him happy and has moved on? This is not a romance novel, this is life. There is more than one person in this world that can bring you happiness, that can make your life complete. There are no what ifs. God loves you and your husband, and he loves your ex. I’m sure he has great plans for your ex -and they do not include you. You have already made your vows before God to your husband. There is no scenario in God’s plan that would have you do anything that would bring pain to your marriage.

I realize its hard to let go -which is why I said confession and spiritual direction. A good spiritual director will help you see clearly what is the reality of your situation.
 
You have a life - embrace it and let go of the past.

Pray that God will give you the grace he offers in the sacrament of marriage, and that you will accept it and love your husband.
 
catholicmommy2 said:
In that, I know what I am feeling is wrong and I have much to be grateful for, but its the fact that “I THREW HIM OUT OF MY LIFE” I am struggling with.
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Please. Stop right there. We all make choices. You have built up in your mind that you crushed and ruined his life. PULEEZ get over yourself if you think that.

I had a college boyfriend who really did me wrong and hurt me terribly. About 3 years after college he looked me up through mutual friends and tried this whole “I’m sorry I ruined your life” thing… AS IF. I was 3 years down the road and couldn’t give a flip what he was doing, much less need anything from him.

Again, this is TEENAGE fantasy thinking. Please get some counseling if you really believe all this stuff.
catholicmommy2 said:
I hate the feeling that I gave up on our relationship for the curiosity of another,
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It’s what people do. It’s called dating. You were NOT married and you did NOT owe this person anything. It is 8 years of water under the bridge. LEAVE HIM ALONE.
catholicmommy2 said:
but it is that emotional love I just can’t shake.
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Then get some counseling.
 
1ke said:
Please. Stop right there. We all make choices. You have built up in your mind that you crushed and ruined his life. PULEEZ get over yourself if you think that.

I had a college boyfriend who really did me wrong and hurt me terribly. About 3 years after college he looked me up through mutual friends and tried this whole “I’m sorry I ruined your life” thing… AS IF. I was 3 years down the road and couldn’t give a flip what he was doing, much less need anything from him.

Again, this is TEENAGE fantasy thinking. Please get some counseling if you really believe all this stuff.

It’s what people do. It’s called dating. You were NOT married and you did NOT owe this person anything. It is 8 years of water under the bridge. LEAVE HIM ALONE.

Then get some counseling.
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got it, I should get counseling. Now if you could please stop posting your opinons on this thread, they are very harsh and while they might work for others they won’t for me. I posted to get some valuable insight on what to do and how to handle these emotions, and while you may look at it as teenage fantasy, I am an adult who is feeling this way. I have gotten very good responses and advice and appreciate it, but making people feel the way your comments make me feel is not what I signed up for. It took a lot for me to come up with the courage to share and ask for some strong catholic insight.
 
catholicmommy2 said:
Even though it has been 9 years since I was with this man, I still feel like he has a piece of my heart and I want him in my life. I don’t understand why I felt steered to leave him and marry my husband when I still loved him so much? I know God has a plan, but why did God bring this man into my life and take him out? Why was I able to move on, but am having feelings now? Why did I not reconsider given the attempts for both of us to get back together? What do I do now, I know I need to tell my husband but how? I feel like I need closure. Do I reach out? Do I try to forget it? I am so lost. I feel sick and filled with regret for what I did to him.
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I don’t know why all of the sudden this is an issue for you, but I do know there is no need to bring your husband into it. You need to get a handle on your own feelings, stop thinking about what might have been, and focus on your family. You do not reach out to your ex, and you do not need any more closure than you got 9 years ago when you chose someone else. While it is not wrong to have feelings about the subject, it is wrong to dwell on them enough that they interfere with your marriage.

Also, you are very likely over-exaggerating in your mind the effect your breakup had on him. It has been nine years- he has had quite a long time to get over you, and I’m sure that he has. Yes, breakups are hard, but most of us have been able to move on quite happily from them with barely a fleeting thought of the past. You dated, and it didn’t work out- imagining that he is still pining away after nine years is not realistic. Stay busy, and replace thoughts of him with something else- and realize that he is more than likely doing just fine.
 
catholicmommy2 said:
got it, I should get counseling. Now if you could please stop posting your opinons on this thread, they are very harsh and while they might work for others they won’t for me.
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While I am certainly not a 1ke fan, she is 100% correct in this instance. If you allow your childish thoughts to turn into childish actions, you are going to do some serious damage. Please, grow up before you do something you really regret.
 
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