Returning to faith, from scratch?

[TigerLily12]

Hi everyone. This is only my second post, and I hope it belongs here. I just had to let someone know. I apologize if it’s long.

I am 20 years old and a junior in college. I was baptized as an infant, confirmed at 13 (maybe I was too young), and attended Catholic schools from 4 to 18, but I can’t really say I was “raised” Catholic. Only my mom is Catholic, and she’s a “Christmas and Easter” Catholic. My dad is Episcopal and will go with us to Mass (without getting Eucharist, of course). Otherwise, my family is barely religious at all.

Since I’ve been in college, I feel like the little bit of faith I only gained through mindless obedience without understanding, as well as fear, has fallen away. My only Catholic friends all seem unavailable; some are in seminary or overseas, overs are just in other colleges in the state and I just can’t get myself to talk to them since I don’t know if they’d understand. I don’t do anything with the Catholic church on campus, and I haven’t even gone to Mass since Christmas, and who knows how long before then.
The main thing that made me begin to think about all this was when I went to visit a very close (but not Catholic) male friend of mine a month ago, and we participated in mortal sin. I’ve felt weird about it, since it almost felt appropriate at the time, we are still closest of friends unfortunately kept apart by distance, and I’ve been at peace with it - or so I thought. It wasn’t as much my relationship with him, but my relationship with the Church that has been bugging me. It feels like either I change something or I have to pretend 14 of my 20 years didn’t mean anything.

This is really the first time I’d told anyone about all this. In the past few weeks, I’ve felt unworthy of even stepping in a church, and I was afraid of telling anyone Catholic about it for fear I’d be called a slut. I do accept responsibility for what I did, but even now I’m not sure if I could give complete penance for it because I’m not exactly sorry it happened. This feeling may change, but it’s the main thing that’s keeping me away from the faith - and interestingly enough, I’ve been gravitating more and more to this forum and a return to faith. I even pulled out my dusty Bible last night. I’m still just having to deal with the fact that things I accepted as law when I was young no longer made sense to me as I didn’t know the bases behind them, so I broke them. A non-Catholic friend told me I probably have to “stick with the rules or get out.”

I feel like maybe I could do this, but it’s like looking at the summit of a mountain from the very bottom without having made a step. I just feel like I can’t give up a part of my identity, and I know God is there. I just want to really learn how to be Catholic again. I feel like it’s what I want, but even then I’ve been really anxious about it - truly anxious. (I have chronic anxiety which can cause panic attacks, though I don’t think it’s that bad right now.) I want to stop being anxious about life and just live while walking along with God.

Thanks for reading. Please don’t hesitate to leave any advice that is constructive, as this could really help. This whole thing seems pretty daunting, and I’m not exactly sure how to go about this when I’m basically starting from square one.

 

[LARSCOUT0311]

Rome was not built in a day seems to come to mind. It’s going to take some time to come back but remember who belongs in the Church and who it is made for…it is made for those of us who sin. Do not be discouraged, take your time and build a foundation. The Catholic way of life is very intense and difficult to follow but you can do it.

 

[kentuckyliz]

God loves you and there’s nothing you can do about it!

You are a beloved daughter of God.

Start with that - the love.

You’re not joining a system of rules, you’re learning how to respond to that love that is pursuing you…the Love Who is pursuing you. It’s a relationship.

Here’s a good start: Luke 15:11-32

 

[Seachange]

The Church is a hospital for sinners not a museum for saints.

I suggest that you make an appointment to speak with your parish priest about this. Many parishes have adult education courses but the one you would probably get the most benefit from is RCIA, the Rite of Christian Initiation for Adults. This is where converts learn about the teachings of the Church in preparation to entering.

Alternatively, here is a link to the Catechism online to read at your own pace.

God bless.

 

[puzzleannie]

Hi The main thing that made me begin to think about all this was when I went to visit a very close (but not Catholic) male friend of mine a month ago, and we participated in mortal sin. I’ve felt weird about it, since it almost felt appropriate at the time, we are still closest of friends unfortunately kept apart by distance, and I’ve been at peace with it - or so I thought. It wasn’t as much my relationship with him, but my relationship with the Church that has been bugging me. It feels like either I change something or I have to pretend 14 of my 20 years didn’t mean anything.one.

I think you have the beginning of the answer in your own story, and that is why you are asking the question. You have, it is part of our conscience and we all have it if we don’t supress it, a natural knowledge of right and wrong, and already recognize that the “feeling” you acted on let to something you already know is a mortal sin. You also recognize instinctively that it not only will eventually harm the relationship with the friend, your own sense of self, and moreover your relationship with the Church.

You also recognize and this is key “either I change or I pretend”. That is called initial conversion, which means change, and involves the choices you are considering now.

You also, with wisdom beyond your years, seem to recognize that you have to learn more about what the Church really teaches, not just a list of rules, in order to make that choice intelligently, and with your heart not only your mind. You further have realized that somewhere along the line you will have to get to know Jesus and so you picked up a bible. Somebody planted seeds in you early in life and those seeds are being watered by your questions, and by your willingness to listen to answers. The Holy Spirit is working in you. Rejoice in his promptings of grace.

Welcome home. We are touched and proud you include us in your journey.
ask questions
ask questions
ask questions
and simply ask Jesus every day to help you find answers.

 

[DulcisAncilla]

Welcome, Tigerlily. I, too, am a young woman, confirmed Catholic (but very poorly catechized); I, too, was drawn back to the faith of my youth in my late teens. I can say that CAF is a great place for you to start re-learning, although previous posts have offered wonderful suggestions for taking the initiative to actively develop your faith, too.

My advice for you today, at this point, is simply to read. Meander through the threads here on CAF; search for specific topics that are pertinent to you; Google the “rules” you mentioned in your post, and see if you can mete out the basis for their institution (be wary of your sources, of course!). Strive to understand the richness of the Mass that so many take for granted, and research Church holy days, seasons, and celebrations as they approach, i.e. Lent and Easter. Look deeper into the Catholic presence that is already in your life…I feel that this exposure to elements of the faith that interest you, will not only sate some curiosity and doubt, but will lend a deeper understanding of those practices in which you already participate.

I personally have benefited greatly from perusing CAF threads on chastity, Theology of the Body, NFP and other topics related to church teaching on sexuality, as they are truly pertinent to a young twentysomething striving to understand how to live a radiant and fulfilling Catholic life, and an understanding of such teachings affects many decisions therein. Threads on this forum have truly changed many of my fundamental behaviors and attitudes; it is invaluable to have other Catholics offer their encouragement, experience and insight through thoughtful conversation and debate, especially if you are lacking real-life Catholic influence among your friends, as I am. I think you will appreciate others’ voicing (typing? ) struggles and doubts similar to yours, and I hope - and feel - you find the answers and assurance you seek.

As for your concern about a lack of “remorse” regarding the situation with your male friend, I agree with your implication that the Sacrament of Reconciliation would not yet be appropriate if you’re not truly contrite, although I hope you do avail yourself of that grace as you develop your faith. (A few threads here on CAF actually tuned me into the benefits of going to Confession, provided links to help me prepare, and unwittingly offered me support and that allowed me to re-establish a regular habit of reconciliation. I cannot begin to describe what a true grace this has been in growing in my faith…please keep an open heart to it!) I can only encourage you to strive to understand why your behavior was discordant - and I mean no judgment in that. I truly hope you find richness and fulfillment in the Church’s teaching on sexuality, which I feel will compel you to accept Her word on other aspects of life.

Lastly, I recommend that you immerse yourself in Catholicism…gradually. I began attending daily Mass and truly paying attention to the readings; visited Adoration of the Blessed Sacrament; sought out instruction on saying the Rosary, and strove to understand the Mysteries (still a work in progress); researched Reconciliation to better appreciate its purpose and benefits (and to go about it correctly!); picked up copies of Catholic publications to supplement my reading and help ground a Catholic worldview; tuned into Mother Angelica every so often. Never stop seeking out Catholic-themed books or materials, even if they aren’t directly related to Catechism - Archbishop Sheen’s writings speak very deeply to me, for instance, and draw me to the church in a very profound way. Even Googling something that intrigues you can lead to a new dimension of understanding Church teaching and Catholic living.
And, of course, pray. Pray earnestly and honestly, and strive to be open to what you discover. The blessings are unimaginable!

 

[Contra_Mundum_1]

Hi there and welcome to the forum!

You have received some good advice on how to proceed from this point and I just want to add a few thoughts, based on my experience.

I was receivced into the church in my late teens but after a few years started falling away from the faith. (boyfriend at college and having sex, partying a lot, you get the picture). I was still going to Mass (but not receiving the Eucharist) and the whole un-christian lifestyle thing really bugged me. I knew it was wrong but I didn’t know how to make it right. I just wanted to be ‘normal’, like other college kids and have a good time. I took me about 10 years to finally embrace my faith and give myself to God without conditions. It was a step by step process during which I started to pray more often, went to confession regularly, started living a chaste life, read a lot and started hanging out on this forum and Catholic blogs.

I think what you’re doing now is a good start. You’re aware things have to change if you want to walk with Christ and you know that you have much to learn. Great. Don’t be intimidated by it all and just take baby steps. It will take time to unlearn many things you call your identity, which in my opinion, is just pop culture showed down your throat from an early age. It’s not always going to be easy to let go of the old and be open to new things, but trust God and let Him lead you. When you encounter things you don’t understand or don’t agree with, give it time. Don’t dismiss them as stupid, or out of date. Go with the assumption that the Church knows what it’s doing and that there is a reason for its teaching.
Being Catholic today means to be counter-cultural and that is a difficult thing. But so rewarding! Don’t be afraid, that’s the important thing.

I hope this has been of some help. Many of us here have gone through similar struggles so we understand and I doubt that people here will judge you. It’s tough frowing up in faith. So go ahead, ask questions and you will always get answers.

God bless you and best of luck on your journey.

 

[veilofveronica]

Dearest Tiger Lily,
You are wanted here, and have come here for a reason. I recently returned to the faith, and trust me, if I can return to the Church, anyone can! I lived quite an “interesting” past myself before I returned to my faith. I was so worried about people judging me, about the Church not wanting me back, about my friends making fun of me.

But you know what? God is calling you for a reason. The Church will welcome you with open arms. God isn’t interested in what you did, but in what you are doing now. Pray about it. Just talk to God. In your own words. That’s all you need to do.

Don’t worry about “the rules” or “sticking with them and gettin’ out” for now. That’s a non-Catholic understanding of the faith. If you make the decision to return, God will take care of that. REALLY. Trust me, I lived a very crazy past and I was welcomed. Most of us struggle. I would cautiously say all of us! Even the saints struggled! If you take a look at their stories, many of them came from beginnings where they had difficult pasts, too…and they were saints! Even the great St. Paul had to be converted! Peter denied Jesus three times!

You’re here for a reason, like I said. Just keep coming back and chatting, and God will lead you in the right direction.

You’re in my prayers.

 

[raaucoin]

QUOTE=kentuckyliz;7544767]God loves you and there’s nothing you can do about it!

You are a beloved daughter of God.

Start with that - the love.

You’re not joining a system of rules, you’re learning how to respond to that love that is pursuing you…the Love Who is pursuing you. It’s a relationship.

Here’s a good start: Luke 15:11-32

 

[PennyinCanada]

What came to my mind when I read your post is this…If you knew how much God loved you, you would weep with joy!

Try to think of the Church in this way. It’s like learning to drive, to stay on the right side of the road, when to stop, when to yield, when to merge. When it’s time to fill up on gas. When everyone goes along obeying the rules of the road, traffic goes along smoothly. Certainly car wrecks happen when we’re distracted with a phone or if the road conditions are slippery. It’s in everyone’s best interest to stop when we need to yet all of us have been in a car accident for lack of stopping in time. So think of the Church, not so much as what you can’t do but more how to get from one place to the next without making a wreck of it. Should you be in a wreck, confession is there as our hospital to be renewed and strengthened again to get back into the flow of traffic.

Wishing you much growth and grace.

 

[TigerLily12]

Thank you all for your responses!

I went to Mass last night for the first time in months (besides Christmas), and it was like being back home. Of course I didn’t get Eucharist, because I know I still have this sin hanging over me and I have yet to get in the state of mind to give a truly penitent confession.

However, the real point: It seemed like in the homily, the priest was speaking DIRECTLY TO ME. He literally spoke of the same things, like temptation of sin, “rules” vs. showing love, etc - and the one example he gave of this struggle with sin was about premarital sex. It was so uncanny! It really strengthened all of the comments made on this thread.

Also, after Mass I met with the philosophical discussion group, consisting solely of college students, that I used to go to a good while ago. Even though the discussion may not have been as pertinent (agrarianism), it was nice to finally be back with other Catholics my own age, especially as most of them still recognized me.

Again, thank you all! I think I have something good going, even if it might take a while. It really feels right.