Right now, hard for me to hear others' mother-daughter conflict

[3DOCTORS]

The following may sound a bit braggy but I don’t mean it that way . . .

I have a reputation amongst my friends as a good listener. I suppose even a wise counselor if giving advice is appropriate and welcomed. My usual policy is to ask before giving it.

Sometimes, though, certain individuals catch me at a bad time, and sort of “launch in” to a vent about some family or personal situation and I get caught up in it, and then it seems awkward to think of interrupting them and saying it’s not a good time for me. Especially if they are very distraught.

The problem I’m running into here lately is that some of the problems my girlfriends are wanting to vent about have to do with mother-daughter drama and angst. Up until my own mother died 6 years ago we had our fair share of that. But we also had a basic backdrop of love and this deepened even more the last few years of her life when she was in a nursing home and I’d visit her every day.

I used to be the kind of person who blamed her parents for her problems, but I’ve outgrown that stage. I’d much rather remember the good and forget the bad, and above all be thankful for the mercy of God who can bring good out of evil and in the power of forgiveness.

So here’s my question - listening to this stuff brings me down, reminds me of the bad, and messes with my peace of mind. Therefore, I’ve told a couple of these people recently that I’d prefer not to hear about it for the above reasons, as tactfully as I can. Do you think this is okay, or am I being a bad friend or bad Christian not to accept the suffering of listening to these tales of woe and dealing with the spiritual and emotional aftermath?

 

[VivienneJ]

I have a reputation amongst my friends as a good listener. I suppose even a wise counselor if giving advice is appropriate and welcomed. My usual policy is to ask before giving it.

I think good listeners have a duty to themselves to protect their own physical, spiritual and emotional peace. So I think this is a good thing you are doing.

Do you think this is okay, or am I being a bad friend or bad Christian not to accept the suffering of listening to these tales of woe and dealing with the spiritual and emotional aftermath?

I’m glad you were able to get to a place of loving, peace with your mother. I did not achieve that during my mother’s lifetime and have to quell feelings of jealousy when I hear others talk about the wonderful relationship they have with their mothers. Yours gives me hope, so this is not aimed at you. I have tried to give my daughters the relationship with me that I longed for with my mother.

I think you have been fair to your friends too in that you have advised them of your needs quietly and calmly rather than waiting until listening to, and possibly advising, them is such a burden that you snap, either verbally or emotionally.

 

[Xantippe]

3Doctors said:

“Therefore, I’ve told a couple of these people recently that I’d prefer not to hear about it for the above reasons, as tactfully as I can.”

That’s fine. If you’re feeling a little less tactful, feel free to interrupt their vent with, “I really miss my mom.”

 

[VivienneJ]

3Doctors said:

“Therefore, I’ve told a couple of these people recently that I’d prefer not to hear about it for the above reasons, as tactfully as I can.”

That’s fine. If you’re feeling a little less tactful, feel free to interrupt their vent with, “I really miss my mom.”

Excellent idea, Xantippe. It is possible for those needing to vent to forget that they may be hurting their listener by their own (possibly legitimate) vent.

I still recall standing in a queue a couple of weeks after my sister’s death and hearing someone a few places behind me moaning to her friend about the horrors of having her sister coming to stay with her for Christmas. I really had to force myself not to spin around and yell that she should be grateful that she had a sister to come and visit her because I would have dearly like mine to have been able to do that.

The situation with friends who should, and can, be expected to be more sensitive is something different.

 

[Pax2u]

It’s easy for a person who is a good listener to get taken advantage of! You sound like a very kind friend, but you have to set limits for your own well being. Part of your discernment whether or not to interrupt with “can I call you later/can we talk later…I have somewhere I need to be” or whatever…is if the person is venting about the “same old problem” and they never will do anything to resolve it. I would not waste my time and energies for that…if someone keeps going over the same territory and just refuses to do anything to try to make a situation better…then I would have to move on. It drives me nuts when people keep venting about the same thing, you have listened patiently and given your thoughts, they have ideas on things they could do to change it for the better…then they don’t do a thing.

That’s just my opinion! Good luck to you as you discern the best thing to do in your situation.

 

[maryjk]

That’s fine. If you’re feeling a little less tactful, feel free to interrupt their vent with, “I really miss my mom.”

Maybe because it has only been 2 1/2 years, but I say that.

I have a really hard time hearing people complain about their mom.

Now, if the complaint is real, meaning anyone would find the behavior beyond the pale, I have more sympathy. But so many times it is, “my mom just won’t leave me alone. She calls me every week.” I have a hard time not saying, “I just wish my mom *could *call me.” Hard enough that most of the time, that is exactly what comes out of my mouth.

 

[gmx2014]

Do you think this is okay, or am I being a bad friend or bad Christian not to accept the suffering of listening to these tales of woe and dealing with the spiritual and emotional aftermath?

I think it is okay, and good, to set limits and boundaries. I don’t think limits and boundaries are bad or wrong.

I think what would be best for yourself is to know what you can do, and what you can’t. And be really clear on that, with yourself. Even compromise has limits (there’s only so much compromise a person should make, without entirely losing themselves in the process).

If people have gotten into a habit of going to you and relying on you, if it has been permissible for so long, then making changes could be difficult, without some explanation from you. And I think, they have a right to know, at least something, of your reasons for why you’re making a change. To keep it positive, it could be that it will actually help them to grow and move forward.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Thanks for the good advice. Sometimes, particularly during this month which is the anniversary month of both my parents’ deaths, I think I could get away with the “I miss my mom” card.

Other times, as gmx2014 points out, and I have given some thought to this for many reasons, I’m going to have to “wean” some people or set limits. I can do it with kindness and respect if I take the time to figure out what to say.

There are other aspects of this - the person who calls too often, for example, like it’s the daily news report. Or the person who is the mother complaining about her daughter, yet I have observed both since the child was born and can kind of sympathize with the daughter! At least I can certainly see both sides, but the mom isn’t going to want to hear that when she’s all riled up and just wanting to list the daughter’s shortcomings and veer into the topic of her ex the girl’s father and what a toad he was/is, etc.

 

[Regina_Love]

another response is. “I’d like you to go think about this. If your mother died today, how much of this would matter any more?” When faced with the loss of a loved one, suddenly all those things that annoyed us don’t seem to matter any more!

 

[VivienneJ]

another response is. “I’d like you to go think about this. If your mother died today, how much of this would matter any more?” When faced with the loss of a loved one, suddenly all those things that annoyed us don’t seem to matter any more!

For the small, niggly day-to-day problems this is fine.
Some of us have much more devastating relationships with our mothers; sad to say (and I may be shot down in flames for this) some may respond, “What a blessing that would be!”

 

[maryjk]

For the small, niggly day-to-day problems this is fine.
Some of us have much more devastating relationships with our mothers; sad to say (and I may be shot down in flames for this) some may respond, “What a blessing that would be!”

No flames. I promise.

I think there is a huge difference between someone that is just generally complaining. And someone that has serious problems with their family.

Someone that whines about their parent calling once a week. Or one that gets upset that their parent wants to hear from them on holidays. Those are the people that get to me.

People that have real problems with their parent are different. Heck, my own MIL hasn’t spoken to my husband for 5 years. And before that, we dreaded having her around.

If we lived closer, I am sure that there would be times that my own husband might say something like, “what a blessing that would be.” On the other hand, he cried when my mom died.

 

[DeniseNY]

I get irritated by this kind of stuff, too. I know that not all people have as good of a relationship as I had with my mother (she died in 2012), but when people start complaining about their mothers, I have to resist the urge to scream “BE THANKFUL YOU STILL HAVE HER”!

 

[3DOCTORS]

For the small, niggly day-to-day problems this is fine.
Some of us have much more devastating relationships with our mothers; sad to say (and I may be shot down in flames for this) some may respond, “What a blessing that would be!”

I don’t know the specifics of your situation so take this with a grain of salt. You might be surprised how much the sting of remembered events lessens after a death, how much healing can occur with time. Meanwhile, I’ll pray for you and your mom that by the time she’s called to her eternal reward, there will have been great graces and improvement in your relationship. :console: God bless you!

 

[LongingSoul]

For the small, niggly day-to-day problems this is fine.
Some of us have much more devastating relationships with our mothers; sad to say (and I may be shot down in flames for this) some may respond, “What a blessing that would be!”

Having been part of an Catholic organisation that offers counselling and support for people struggling in relationships… I can say that it is common for people believe they will feel relief and release when someone passes on, but that rarely is the case. Many people are taken by surprise at their reaction after the death of parent or spouse who has caused them great pain and misery.

It is much healthier to address the relationship in counselling alone or together, before the finality of a death eventuates.

God bless.

 

[VivienneJ]

I don’t know the specifics of your situation so take this with a grain of salt. You might be surprised how much the sting of remembered events lessens after a death, how much healing can occur with time. Meanwhile, I’ll pray for you and your mom that by the time she’s called to her eternal reward, there will have been great graces and improvement in your relationship. :console: God bless you!

Having been part of an Catholic organisation that offers counselling and support for people struggling in relationships… I can say that it is common for people believe they will feel relief and release when someone passes on, but that rarely is the case. Many people are taken by surprise at their reaction after the death of parent or spouse who has caused them great pain and misery.

It is much healthier to address the relationship in counselling alone or together, before the finality of a death eventuates.

God bless.

Thank you both for your concern. I had the counselling, both before her death to accept the behaviour that could not be changed, and after the event to be able to forgive.

The scorpion tail of remembered events was the reminder to avoid situations that would allow that tail to sting again.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Thank you both for your concern. I had the counselling, both before her death to accept the behaviour that could not be changed, and after the event to be able to forgive.

The scorpion tail of remembered events was the reminder to avoid situations that would allow that tail to sting again.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize she had already passed on. In that case, I pray that perhaps some positive memories will be there for you or at least that healing continues. And it sounds as though you have learned wisdom from your experiences, which to me signifies one way God brings good out of evil. Take care.

 

[VivienneJ]

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize she had already passed on. In that case, I pray that perhaps some positive memories will be there for you or at least that healing continues. And it sounds as though you have learned wisdom from your experiences, which to me signifies one way God brings good out of evil. Take care.

Ah, thank you. It is one of those things where I try really hard to be different with my daughters.

 

[3DOCTORS]

Ah, thank you. It is one of those things where I try really hard to be different with my daughters.

That’s all we can do - learn from history so as not to repeat it!