Risky Divorce Situation

[Lost_Duckling]

 I'm am currently facing a situation where I don't know what should be my next step - or rather, what are the possible steps that would help my family end up in happiness.  Here's the situation:

 A while ago, I invited my mother to the use of Facebook, where she finds her previous boyfriend.  At first, they only socialized as friends, building a really nice relationship.  However, after not too long, he was determined to get a divorce with his wife in order to have my mother.  This was because the affection they have for each other slowly grew in time.  My father doesn't directly know this situation, but I am suspicious that he is getting the hint that something is going on.

 Both of my parents are really understanding people, but the issue is that - what would a women, "committed" to her husband do if she loves another more than her husband.  I remember her saying that marrying my father was a result of another factor, but not out of pure love.  Therefore, if a divorce does occur, what would happen?  If my parents don't divorce, and my mother determines to move out with another person, would that still be considered as adultery (even if no sexual intercourse takes place between them two)?

 Honestly, I don't feel upset about any of the occurance, but my main concerns are how things are going to end up for my mother, father, brother, him, and me.  Are there anything that I can do?  Any steps that I should take?  What are the things that I can do?

 I have to say, the last thing I want to happy to my family would be breaking up - especially when my brother is still growing and developing, but I still have to look in my mother's perspective, as well as my father's perspective.

 My mother's been working really hard for the family, and that's never been a doubt for me.  I work hard on my studies to hopefully make her feel that her work does pay off.  But, I do know that this is not as comforting as being with him.  I want to see her in happiness in terms of comfort and pleasure, but at the same time, I'm concerned about the laws of the Catholic Church regarding to marriage and divorce.

 On the other hand, my father too works really hard to establish and raise our family.  He changed a lot lately, especially in the aspects of his behaviour.  I want to be fair with him, and let him know this - but I don't want a risk of a dispute occuring at home, especially when my brother's around.  A dispute to solve this issue would probably make a significant impact on my brother's development in childhood.  Yet, my father should have the right to knowing this, since even I know this is occuring.  

 Can someone please answer all these questions for me?

 What can I do?  What should I do?  When should I do it?  How would I do so?

 Even though I don't know if you are going to reply, I have to say one thing: 

       "Thank you very much for just reading this story alone.  Thank you for your time."

             ~ God bless you.

 

[flyingfish]

 What can I do?  What should I do?  When should I do it?  How would I do so?

 Even though I don't know if you are going to reply, I have to say one thing: 

       "Thank you very much for just reading this story alone.  Thank you for your time."

             ~ God bless you.

Continue to do what you are doing, study hard, be there for your family. Whether your mother will get a divorce is not up to you, it is a choice she will have to make. Whatever choice she makes, your role in the family will not change.

Be loving and be there for the family, and if your parents do separate, don’t take sides since taking one side will harm your relationship with the other parent.

 

[Lost_Duckling]

Thank you very much for responding!

But, the other question I have is that - wouldn’t that go against what the Catholic Church states? - If so, then what are the possible solutions to it then?

 

[flyingfish]

Thank you very much for responding!

But, the other question I have is that - wouldn’t that go against what the Catholic Church states? - If so, then what are the possible solutions to it then?

Well, if your mother and father are validly married then for her to marry another man would go against Church teaching.

It’s also possible that your mother and father were not validly married, in that case your mother might seek an annulment and would be free to remarry.

However, while your mother might end up sinning, the Church doesn’t require you to behave any differently toward your mother if she sins. She is still your mother, and from what you said you seem to have a good relationship with her.

 

[monicatholic]

Lost Duckling,

we’re obligated to assume your parents have a valid marriage. even if it were later determined by a tribunal that the marriage was invalid, any sexual breech of vows before that determination would be adultery.

would an affair of the heart be considered adultery?

CCC 1646 By its very nature conjugal love requires the inviolable fidelity of the spouses. This is the consequence of the gift of themselves which they make to each other. Love seeks to be definitive; it cannot be an arrangement “until further notice.” The “intimate union of marriage, as a mutual giving of two persons, and the good of the children, demand total fidelity from the spouses and require an unbreakable union between them.”

total fidelity certainly includes emotional attachment and affection.

if your mother engages in emotional closeness with a man, closeness and affection that should belong to your father alone, she is breeching the marriage covenant and putting you and your brother at risk.

2381 Adultery is an injustice. He who commits adultery fails in his commitment. He does injury to the sign of the covenant which the marriage bond is, transgresses the rights of the other spouse, and undermines the institution of marriage by breaking the contract on which it is based. He compromises the good of human generation and the welfare of children who need their parents’ stable union.

and then this

I want to see her in happiness in terms of comfort and pleasure,

you’re an excellent child who works and studies hard to show his/her parents gratitude and honor. i’m very impressed. but your mother’s happiness will not come from comfort and pleasure. it will come from a relationship with God. mortal sin, which is what all forms of adultery are, destroy a person’s relationship with God. your mother will not be happy if she is in the state of mortal sin-- especially if she persists in the sin.

1855 Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart of man by a grave violation of God’s law; it turns man away from God, who is his ultimate end and his beatitude, by preferring an inferior good to him.

if i were you what would I do?

i would pray. pray novenas. ask the Blessed Mother to intercede for your mother. pray and pray some more. this is urgent. so long as your mother persists, it is urgent. offer up every time you receive Jesus in Eucharist-- offer it for your mother’s conversion.

and I would copy these quotes from the catechism and give them to her. I would say, “Mother. I love you. You work hard and give so much. I’ve noticed you seem unhappy. But a friendship with SO+SO will not make you happy. Only God’'s love will make you happy. This is important. Please read this. I’m praying for you.”

if your mother is mad and accuses you of judging her, remember this: correction of the sinner is a spiritual work of mercy IF it is done in love and peace.

do not stop praying. trust God even if things look bad-- even if things get bad.

what to do about your brother? pray with him and for him and listen to him. he will need someone wise and kind to talk to.

now, can you talk about what kind of changes your dad’s personality has undergone? before or after the facebook relationship began?

and how old are you?

 

[Liberanosamalo]

Great advice, Monica!

 

[Lost_Duckling]

Thank you very much, Monicatholic.

The detail about my mother would be the fact that she works really hard with some nights even sleepless. However, from socializing with [so+so], I really see a happy side of her that I can probably say I’ve never really seen before. At least, not that I remember of. On the other hand, she did say that if I’m really upset about it or if I have anything against it, she would rather have us than him.

Honestly, I really don’t care. Not meaning anything, but I don’t care about anything - as long as my mother is living happy, my father is living happy, my brother is living happy, and same with other people, I’m happy. I don’t mind if my parents would be separated, because I know that they sacrificed a lot to bring my brother and me up to the present day.

give them to her. I would say, "Mother. I love you. You work hard and give so much. I’ve noticed you seem unhappy. But a friendship with SO+SO will not make you happy. Only God’'s love will make you happy.

I know - I’m am entirely faithful to the Catholic Church and the existence of God, but it’s not the same for my parents. Their faith isn’t that strong at all. They only got baptized because I was required to have Catholic parents in order to enter a Catholic elementary school several years ago. I came from a public school, so I was not baptized. Even so, after I was baptized, I did build up my faith toward God. But, it doesn’t apply to my mother. She doesn’t really care about the religion, but she did say that I’m against it, she would listen.

offer up every time you receive Jesus in Eucharist-- offer it for your mother’s conversion.

I am really guilty as a Catholic member of the family, for I will be honest - I rarely ever enter the Church - I know I’m really sinful, and I know that. Therefore, there’s rarely an opportunity to get forgiveness and the Holy Eucharist - I’m to sinful for it…

do not stop praying. trust God even if things look bad-- even if things get bad.

Once again, being totally honest - I’ve almost forgetten to pray to God… Or maybe, it’s just that I avoid it. Because when I talk to God, I’m fully truthful and I don’t know what to think… I don’t know, but I will pray once again.

But, I DO trust God - His existence was always present in my mind. It’s just the matter of not really thinking about Him until this occurred… I’m really a sinful family member of the Catholic Church… sometimes I really think that I don’t deserve the help from God - I feel like dirt to ask for His help when I’m in trouble, and forget about him [being full with myself] when things are going smooth…

From now on, I don’t think it’s going to happen [acting like that] again…

what to do about your brother? pray with him and for him and listen to him. he will need someone wise and kind to talk to.

He’s still really young, and has not a little clue about what’s going on yet, and I don’t plan to tell him AT ALL. I don’t want to risk his clean childhood with chaos. Not yet, not until it’s really going to happen. I don’t want the least of hurting his childhood. And issue like this can truly stain his memories of his childhood regardless of what’s going to turn out in the end, I CANNOT RISK THAT.

now, can you talk about what kind of changes your dad’s personality has undergone? before or after the facebook relationship began?

That, I really don’t know… Maybe I worded myseld wrong last time, but the truth is that, that was according to my mother’s opinion. I’m not believing in her words blindly, but it’s just that her instincts and observation skills are really strong. She said that she’s sensing that my father’s getting the hints of this going on. I really don’t know what really changed in his behaviour or personality, but I can rely on my mother’s observations right now. At least, at the moment.

and how old are you?

I’m am presently 16 years old.

FYI - My brother is 10 years old.

Once again, I'm really trully thankful towards all of you that are teaching and reaching your hands out to me.  For the I don't know how many millionth time, I'm seeing God through humankind.

I'm sorry that I'm such a sinful beggar of God [not worth to even say that I'm his daughter], but I will change.  I will assure that one fact.

Sincerely, thank you all.

 

[nicreap]

Hi, First off I am praying for both you and your family.

As far as feeling guilty and going to confession, you are never too sinful to go to confession. You say you don’t go to any church often. Can you drive yet? Have you tried asking a parent or friend to take you or drop you off so that you can attend confession and communion? There is an abundance of grace and blessings that are given unto you recieving the Eucharist and attending confession. As far as feeling like dirt and not deserving his help, there is nothing wrong with that feeling if you use it to draw you closer to God. Saint Faustina was frequently visited by Jesus, and she told him she didn’t deserve his grace and that she was lower than the dirt. And Jesus’ response was basically so? I chose you and I love you. She took that feeling and used it to draw herself closer to God. I suggest you try doing the same thing.

If your mother ends up divorcing your father, it may make things very hard and difficult for your brother, and possibly even for yourself. I won’t give you advice on what to do, I will let other members who may know better do that. But maybe you should try and meet with a priest and talk about it.

Do listen to the people on this site, they are wise and well informed.

Try to work on praying and building up your prayer life.

I haven’t been through the same life situation but I have had a somewhat similar faith experience as you. If you would like me to tell you about it, or just talk about your faith fell free to send me a PM.

God Bless you

 

[monicatholic]

I’m really a sinful family member of the Catholic Church…

honey, you aren’t a worse sinful member if you haven’t ever really been raised in the faith. God only expects of us what we’ve been given. if we haven’t been given deep roots in the faith, then HE doesn’t expect us to grow like mighty Catholic oak trees. if you have no one to take you to Mass, then how can you go on your own?

if, though, you have a catholic church nearby, or on a familiar bus route, learn the Mass schedule and get permission to go to confession and Mass.

your heavenly Father loves you more than you and I could ever know.

even though your mother seems happier than ever, doing wrong will not make her happy. even if she isn’t really catholic, grown ups all know that infidelity in marriage is wrong. doing wrong-- no matter how much your mom would like to imagine it’s right-- will make your mother miserable in the end.

when you say this about your little brother, whom you obviously love dearly, i know you understand the potential disaster that could come about:

I don’t want to risk his clean childhood with chaos.

the best way to NOT risk yours or your brother’s well-being is to talk to your mom. tell her she is good and works so hard. tell her you are so grateful. tell her she’s pretty and that she’s kind. and tell her that giving her heart and affection to another guy will make her sad and it will lead your family to ruin.

she has asked you to be honest. she loves you. so, be honest. be kind.

and pray for your mother. ask God who loves her, that she can have some peaceful moments of not working so hard. that she can get some rest.

you are a good respectful daughter. love your mother enough to want GOD’S version of happiness for her.

 

[noclevername]

This is a very hard situation but there is nothing you can do. This is up to your mother. She is an adult and she knows right from wrong. Sometimes adults do stupid things but it doesn’t mean that they are stupid or that they love you any less. Sometimes adults refuse to see the bigger picture.

However, this is a problem between your mother and your father. You and your siblings should not worry yourselves with trying to fix the problem because it is something that is out of your control. Even if you were grown and married I would say the same thing to you. And I know you want to fix it and it’s hard to comprehend that you can’t but you can’t. Another thing that you may not know but you need to in mind that infidelity is usually a symptom of a much bigger problem in a marriage. And your parents may not be sharing everything with you as a means of protecting you.

If you are really worried, talk to a priest or counselor at your church who know your parents and then have that person talk to your parents. You parents may not even know you have these concerns and it might be easier if another adult talk to them and offer their help.

Btw, you are a very well spoken 16 year old. I am very impressed with your writing skills. You will go very far in whatever career you chose. So you need to make sure and focus on studying and going to college. The other stuff may not end like you like it but it will work itself out.