Rite of Election problems

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Lessofme91

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I don’t know how to handle this. I’m a candidate in RCIA, and the Rite of Election is tomorrow. My husband has flat our refused to come. He’s agreed to come to the Rite of Sending at our parish tomorrow morning…but he sees this as a major compromise. Originally he had vehemently refused to come to either, and said that I shouldn’t go to either as they are just “dog and pony” shows that don’t have any real meaning. He doesn’t want to “waste his entire Sunday” on something “stupid”.

Here’s the issue. He’s my sponsor.

I’m so sick of this. He’s a cradle Catholic, when I met him he had a very active faith. I was Lutheran, and most of our time dating was spent discussing faith and theology and over the past four years I’ve come to discover the beauty and truth in the Church. Shortly after we got married he left for nearly a year of training with the military (which was a bad experience all around) and when he came back had anger issues. He’s become increasingly hostile towards anything he “has” to do. That includes the Church. He hates “being forced” to go to Mass every Sunday, holy days of obligation, fasting for lent, etc. The only thing he still sees value in is the Eucharist. I was really hoping that doing RCIA together would help us reconnect spiritually but it hasn’t happened, he’s just mad that it’s one more thing he has to do. (He does have a very time consuming job and classes. I understand being stressed about time, but not the hostility.)

Not really sure I’m asking for anything specific, just prayers for peace this weekend, and that he would understand how important this is to me. And definitely prayers for his faith, that he would be able to let go of his anger and hang ups. I don’t feel like he has any idea what a big leap this is for me to go from agreeing with the Church to becoming Catholic and actually living it. I’m terrified he’s going to lose his faith all together. I haven’t talked to anyone about this…I’m really the only one who knows how much he’s struggling with his faith. His family is very Catholic and he’s afraid they would go nuts if they found out…
 
Lessofme91 said:
I don’t know how to handle this. I’m a candidate in RCIA, and the Rite of Election is tomorrow. My husband has flat our refused to come. He’s agreed to come to the Rite of Sending at our parish tomorrow morning…but he sees this as a major compromise. Originally he had vehemently refused to come to either, and said that I shouldn’t go to either as they are just “dog and pony” shows that don’t have any real meaning. He doesn’t want to “waste his entire Sunday” on something “stupid”.

Here’s the issue. He’s my sponsor.

I’m so sick of this. He’s a cradle Catholic, when I met him he had a very active faith. I was Lutheran, and most of our time dating was spent discussing faith and theology and over the past four years I’ve come to discover the beauty and truth in the Church. Shortly after we got married he left for nearly a year of training with the military (which was a bad experience all around) and when he came back had anger issues. He’s become increasingly hostile towards anything he “has” to do. That includes the Church. He hates “being forced” to go to Mass every Sunday, holy days of obligation, fasting for lent, etc. The only thing he still sees value in is the Eucharist. I was really hoping that doing RCIA together would help us reconnect spiritually but it hasn’t happened, he’s just mad that it’s one more thing he has to do. (He does have a very time consuming job and classes. I understand being stressed about time, but not the hostility.)

Not really sure I’m asking for anything specific, just prayers for peace this weekend, and that he would understand how important this is to me. And definitely prayers for his faith, that he would be able to let go of his anger and hang ups. I don’t feel like he has any idea what a big leap this is for me to go from agreeing with the Church to becoming Catholic and actually living it. I’m terrified he’s going to lose his faith all together. I haven’t talked to anyone about this…I’m really the only one who knows how much he’s struggling with his faith. His family is very Catholic and he’s afraid they would go nuts if they found out…
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Can somebody else from the parish stand in for you? I’d call the RCIA leader right now and explain the situation (briefly, of course).

Long term, I think it’s time to do some marriage counseling and probably some individual counseling for your husband, including some vocational counseling. Does he want to leave the military? I wouldn’t suggest doing anything imprudent, but long-term, that does need to be in the table. A guy that has trouble with being told to do all the time might find the military a bad fit.

Also, pick up one of John Gottman’s marriage books or Don’t Shoot the Dog and start reading.

Best wishes!
 
Thanks for the advice. We’ve already talked quite a bit about the military issue and have agreed that he is not going to reenlist because of the effects its having on him and our family. However he doesn’t get out for another 2 1/2 years as he’s in the National Guard and it was a six year contract. Getting out any sooner then then is pretty much impossible without doing something imprudent, so we’re stuck for now.

Hopefully its not too late to find a proxy. I’ll talk to Father and see what we can do. Does it have to be someone from the parish, or if I can find a good Catholic friend who’d be willing would that work?

I’ll have to look up those books. We have moments of great conversation where we can actually work through stuff but not as many as we need. I highly doubt he’d be open to counseling at this point but I think it would be beneficial.
 
Lessofme91 said:
Thanks for the advice. We’ve already talked quite a bit about the military issue and have agreed that he is not going to reenlist because of the effects its having on him and our family. However he doesn’t get out for another 2 1/2 years as he’s in the National Guard and it was a six year contract. Getting out any sooner then then is pretty much impossible without doing something imprudent, so we’re stuck for now.

Hopefully its not too late to find a proxy. I’ll talk to Father and see what we can do. Does it have to be someone from the parish, or if I can find a good Catholic friend who’d be willing would that work?

I suspect that very much depends on your parish. Good luck!

I’ll have to look up those books. We have moments of great conversation where we can actually work through stuff but not as many as we need. I highly doubt he’d be open to counseling at this point but I think it would be beneficial.
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If you can talk, that’s good!
 
Thanks for the advice. We’ve already talked quite a bit about the military issue and have agreed that he is not going to reenlist because of the effects its having on him and our family. However he doesn’t get out for another 2 1/2 years as he’s in the National Guard and it was a six year contract. Getting out any sooner then then is pretty much impossible without doing something imprudent, so we’re stuck for now.

Hopefully its not too late to find a proxy. I’ll talk to Father and see what we can do. Does it have to be someone from the parish, or if I can find a good Catholic friend who’d be willing would that work?

I’ll have to look up those books. We have moments of great conversation where we can actually work through stuff but not as many as we need. I highly doubt he’d be open to counseling at this point but I think it would be beneficial.
 
Honestly, my sponsor didn’t show up for most of the rites either and the RCIA director pulled people out of the congregation stand up for me the day of. It was weird/uncomfotable, but worked out well.

I also had to find a proxy for Easter Vigil and I asked a good friend of mine (who’s Catholic and didn’t attend my parish) and she was happy to do it.

A lot of us have had the same challenge and things turned out fine at Easter Vigil.

A lot of times sponsors don’t realize that what doesn’t seem like a big deal to them is a big deal to you.

Don’t panic.

Also, encourage your husband to talk to someone about his issues, even if it’s not you.

When I have issues with my husband about religion, I can always turn to his sponsor (my husband’s a convert too) and say…can you talk to my husband because you are a guy and he needs to get a clue from someone who isn’t me?!

Or I can go to my husband and go…“you really need to talk to ‘X’ about that.”
 
Please tell me that you husband will no longer be sponsoring any other candidates. It seems odd that your RCIA director would have allowed this in the first place. If your husband does not want to come and feels browbeaten to serve, I would INSIST that he not come at all and find a stand-in for the duration until after Easter.

I doubt it will hurt his feelings, and it should help you feel less torn about the whole thing. Have someone there, that WANTS to be there with you. It would poison the entire experience if I were sponsored by someone who would rather be at home watching TV or sleeping in bed.
 
First things first, finding you a substitute for tomorrow will be a piece of cake. They probably have subs already as people do get sick, etc. The day will go off fine, but call your pastor and/or RCIA director to let them know you need a substitute.

Personally, in the parishes I worked in, we never allowed spouses to sponsor each other, but that’s an issue for another day.

Long term, there is a lot going on here with and within your husband. It sounds like there are definitely anger issues and authority issues. However, do not let that interfere with your RCIA process.

Once Easter has passed and the pressure of special services are over, you and him need to have “the” talk about your marriage and his issues. I think you know that. He needs help, you need help, you both need help – but only he can take the step forward that he needs to take. Even if he is not open to counseling you have to take of your mental and spiritual health.
 
As a Military-Brat, I’ve seen the gambit when it comes to the Active Duty member’s response to life. IMHO, it is highly probable that he’s receiving a lot of grief from the people he is working with about his faith, I’ve seen this first hand with Catholics aboard my Dad’s ship when he was still active duty Navy. Your husband may be having difficulty aligning his role in the military with his faith, once again I’ve seen this first hand - my father-in-law was in Vietnam and he still has issues with what he had to do and his Catholic faith. This Catholic Bashing in the military, especially by Command Officers, has become worse over the years with the sex-abuse scandal (never mind the fact that the same occurs in other professions).

If you can, get your husband to tell you what is going on with his faith and is work. Casually mention how you miss being able to talk about your faith with him.
Main thing here is love, charity, and patience.
See if there is a TMIY (That Man Is You) program in your parish or one close by as it really sounds like he needs some authentic Catholic Christian male support. Talk to your Priest about this situation for guidance too!

Do you pray the Rosary yet?
Even if you don’t do it perfectly, please set aside 15 or 20 minute each day. There are plenty of guides out there to teach you… better yet, ask your husband to help.

Do you pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet?
PLEASE, click on the link in my signature, set aside about 30 minutes for this.
Then click here: thedivinemercy.org/
Start praying this chaplet and the novena for your husband.

Prayer
Lots of Prayer
See if you can spend an hour a week in adoration - you don’t need to be Catholic to sit in adoration. If fact, my first hour, I was substituting for my sponsor… and I wasn’t even finished with RCIA!

Sponsors, my not so humble advise, find a sponsor that will hold you to task, that will help you go to Mass and Confession regularly. Your RCIA team will know of several people like this that are willing to help be a sponsor.

Praying for you and your Husband.
 
coachdennis said:
Personally, in the parishes I worked in, we never allowed spouses to sponsor each other, but that’s an issue for another day.
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👍 This was the rule in our Parish until we changed Pastors - now it’s allowed.
New Pastor, new rules 🤷
 
Spouses can be great supporters, but they also carry baggage as well.
 
Lessofme91 said:
I don’t know how to handle this. I’m a candidate in RCIA, and the Rite of Election is tomorrow. My husband has flat our refused to come. He’s agreed to come to the Rite of Sending at our parish tomorrow morning…but he sees this as a major compromise. Originally he had vehemently refused to come to either, and said that I shouldn’t go to either as they are just “dog and pony” shows that don’t have any real meaning. He doesn’t want to “waste his entire Sunday” on something “stupid”.

Here’s the issue. He’s my sponsor.
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Contact your RCIA team and find out if you can have a lady from the parish be your sponsor.

Go to your Rite of Calling to Lenten Renewal, whether he comes or not, and if he doesn’t come, explain to your Coordinator that he is feeling overwhelmed. Ask for someone to stand in for him for the Rite.
 
Lessofme91 said:
… Shortly after we got married he left for nearly a year of training with the military (which was a bad experience all around) and when he came back had anger issues. He’s become increasingly hostile towards anything he “has” to do. …
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I spent two years in the reserves [weekend meetings], four years active duty, and over thirty years as a civilian employee of the military. You might want to find out what is going on at work, not that he is being unfaithful, but he might be the victim of what is known as sex politics. People think women are always the victim, but I can say from experience that they can play a mean game of sex politics themselves. For example, a female lieutenant got her undesirable work dumped on me [a captain] by the commanding officer with whom she was having an affair. There was another incident when I was a civilian. It’s hard to forget them.

The workforce is much worse IMHO than it was then, bad as it was, because there are a lot more women in the workplace.

I wish you lots of luck.
 
Thank everybody. We still have alot to talk about, but I think we have this weekend worked out. My best friend is standing in for him today. She’s an incredibly faithful Catholic who has been a wonderful witness to the faith. Father was very understanding. I didn’t go into alot of details, but I think I’m going to talk to him about our issues more at a later date.

I think alot of his issues with the military and his faith stem from the fact that his felt a very strong call from God to join…he was very excited about the military and had high idealistic hopes…and then from his point of view everything has been horrible since then. He had bad leadership all the way through training, both of his Grandfathers died unexpectedly within a month and he was unable to come home for the funerals. He definitely was put down and struggled to find friends because of his faith and morals. He blew out his ACL right after he got back, was misdiagnosed, and treated like a failure because he couldn’t pass his PT tests. His unit leadership was very poor (this is the opinion of everybody in his unit, not just him), and they play more mind games then actually get anything done. He joined to make a difference and feels like its all been a waste of time. Everytime he steps up and trys to go above and beyond the bare minimum he gets his feet swept out from under him. He’s a medic with an infantry unit, so there’s no females or sex politics…but plenty of plain old politics and power games. Its just been one thing after another. Its been similar with his civilian job, but thankfully its settled down over the last couple months there.

Life in general was been crazy for both of us and we’ve had very little time to process anything since we got married. We both definitely need a better prayer life, thanks for the suggestions and support. Seriously everybodies encouragement was just what I needed!
 
I think your husband may be taking his unhappiness with his service and allowed it to effect his faith.

In the military you have to submit to authority. As a catholic, there are a lot of rules and you have to submit to the authority of the Church. If he is very unhappy and disappointed with his service and has come to resent the authority his superiors have over nearly every aspect of his life there isn’t a lot he can do about it. But he can refuse to submit to the authority of the Church. So,the Church becomes the target for his anger, disappointment, hurt, and resentment. Just a guess. But if that is whats going on he needs healing. I hope he will go to individual psychological and spiritual counseling to help him through until his out date.
 
Lessofme91 said:
…
I think alot of his issues with the military and his faith stem from the fact that his felt a very strong call from God to join … he was very excited about the military and had high idealistic hopes … and then from his point of view everything has been horrible since then. He had bad leadership all the way through training, …
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This sounds like he had an overly optimistic view of the military which has undergone a transformation since and including the Vietnam War. Our military has become a whipping boy for liberals in particular and society in general.

One of the requirements for a just war, according to the Just War Theory, is a reasonable chance of success. What started out as a reasonable chance of success morphed into a less than reasonable chance, in Korea, Vietnam, and now the Mid-East. The public has taken these failures and blamed them on the soldiers when the real culprit is, as you noted, poor leadership of the civilian side. What the soldier bleeds and dies for on the battlefield is given away at the negotiating table. These can’t help having an adverse effect on the individuals’ attitude.
 
I’m glad you’ve found a solution and hopefully your friend, that stood in today, will be there for you after confirmation. You’re going to need that positive ongoing support and it may not be possible from your husband, given his current state of mind.
 
MJjean, I think that is EXACTLY what is going on. We just have to figure out how to work through it while remaining in the military for another two years lol.

The Rite of Election went great with my friend. My husband and I had a good talk tonight over dinner. He’d had a couple hours to himself to think while I was gone. He apologized for how he acted and said that despite how he feels about the Church right now he’s excited I’m joining and that he should have been more supportive. We’ll see if his actions follow over the next couple of weeks, but its a good step for today 🙂 My friend is going to stay involved in my RCIA journey and I am planning on talking to Father about everything
 
Lessofme91 said:
MJjean, I think that is EXACTLY what is going on. We just have to figure out how to work through it while remaining in the military for another two years lol.

The Rite of Election went great with my friend. My husband and I had a good talk tonight over dinner. He’d had a couple hours to himself to think while I was gone. He apologized for how he acted and said that despite how he feels about the Church right now he’s excited I’m joining and that he should have been more supportive. We’ll see if his actions follow over the next couple of weeks, but its a good step for today 🙂 My friend is going to stay involved in my RCIA journey and I am planning on talking to Father about everything
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👍
:gopray: -4-u
 
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