Rock bottom in my Faith

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scrupulousrvrt

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I’ve hit it (and had it). No matter what I do it’s sin this and sin that, despair, presumption, either/or, both/and, Sigmund Freud words, Hell. No cartharsis because that would be a sin. I’m dizzy, nauseous, delirious and can’t get my Faith Life, Prayer Life, Sacramental Life, Temporal Life, secondlife, this life, that life, straight!
If I go to Confession or Church i’ll probably have an anxiety attack.
everything has turned from bright and sunny to dark and Hellish. I’ve missed the mark by a wide margin; I’ve lost sight of heaven and put my primary focus on hell. All i focus on is sin. temptation and the afterlife so much so that’s it’s getting in the way of how I live, feel and just about anything else.
I can’t take this anymore.
 
scrupulousrvrt said:
I’ve hit it (and had it). No matter what I do it’s sin this and sin that, despair, presumption, either/or, both/and, Sigmund Freud words, Hell. No cartharsis because that would be a sin. I’m dizzy, nauseous, delirious and can’t get my Faith Life, Prayer Life, Sacramental Life, Temporal Life, secondlife, this life, that life, straight!
If I go to Confession or Church i’ll probably have an anxiety attack.
everything has turned from bright and sunny to dark and Hellish. I’ve missed the mark by a wide margin; I’ve lost sight of heaven and put my primary focus on hell. All i focus on is sin. temptation and the afterlife so much so that’s it’s getting in the way of how I live, feel and just about anything else.
I can’t take this anymore.
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Prayer to the Shoulder Wound of Jesus

It is related in the annals of Clairvaux that St. Bernard asked Our Lord which was His greatest unrecorded suffering and Our Lord answered: “I had on My Shoulder, while I bore My Cross on the Way of Sorrows, a grievous Wound, which was more painful than the others and which is not recorded by men. Honor this Wound with thy devotion and I will grant thee whatsoever thou dost ask through Its virtue and merit. And in regard to all those who shall venerate this Wound, I will remit to them all their venial sins and will no longer remember their mortal sins.”

This revelation and promise of Our Dear Savior is another proof of His unlimited mercy. You are urged to say these prayers daily and to promulgate this prayer on a continuous basis, so that others may share in this blessing.

The Prayer
O Loving Jesus, meek Lamb of God, I a miserable sinner, salute and worship the most Sacred Wound of Thy Shoulder on which Thou didst bear Thy heavy Cross, which so tore Thy Flesh and laid bare Thy Bones as to inflict on Thee an anguish greater than any other Wound of Thy Most Blessed Body. I adore Thee, O Jesus most sorrowful; I praise and glorify Thee and give Thee thanks for this most sacred and painful Wound, beseeching Thee by that exceeding pain and by the crushing burden of Thy heavy Cross to be merciful to me, a sinner, to forgive me all my mortal and venial sins, and to lead me on towards Heaven along the Way of Thy Cross. Amen.

Imprimatur: Thomas D. Beven, Bishop of Springfield, Ma.

Pope Eugenius III, at the earnest request of St. Bernard, has granted three thousand years Indulgence to all who with a contrite heart, recite the Lord’s Prayer and Hail Mary 3 times, in honor of the Wound on the Shoulder of Our Blessed Redeemer.
brizek.com/prayer/pieta.htm#shwound
 
I don’t know you, but based on your post (and your username involving scrupulosity) my sense is that this has very little to do with your faith and everything to do with your mental health. You sound like someone who struggles with OCD and clinical depression, frankly. I would strongly advise you to consult with a mental health professional and follow their guidance.

I’m not saying lose sight of the spiritual aspect, obviously, but I think the spiritual malaise is probably a symptom rather than a cause of your psychological state. Good luck. There is no shame in working with a therapist or a psychiatrist. You don’t have to live with that monkey on your back, but you do need to take the first step and seek professional help.
 
Praying to the Holy Spirit to give you guidance, direction, strength, fortitude & wisdom in your time of need.
 
BoomBoomMancini said:
I don’t know you, but based on your post (and your username involving scrupulosity) my sense is that this has very little to do with your faith and everything to do with your mental health. You sound like someone who struggles with OCD and clinical depression, frankly. I would strongly advise you to consult with a mental health professional and follow their guidance.

I’m not saying lose sight of the spiritual aspect, obviously, but I think the spiritual malaise is probably a symptom rather than a cause of your psychological state. Good luck. There is no shame in working with a therapist or a psychiatrist. You don’t have to live with that monkey on your back, but you do need to take the first step and seek professional help.
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I agree with this advice wholeheartedly. Please be assured of my prayers.
 
Yes it does sound like scrupulosity. Also, you may be becoming depressed. Remember the small divine mercy card that says “I trust in you Jesus” I carry this with me often and it helps me to remember its not about everything I do for Him but how I need to trust in Him, for my eternal life, for day to day when it gets hard. I suffer with anxiety and each morning before i go to work I have mini anxiety attacks, they used to be worse. But I have to say often “I trust in you Jesus.” I used to just focus on hell as well thinking I was going there. But the very fact you are so worried about it most likely means you are not going there. Maybe you are having anxiety attacks about this. Look at that card and say “I trust in you Jesus.” He’s merciful. Today is divine mercy Sunday, allow Him to be merciful to you, trust in Him.

I also saw hell in a psychotic episode I had and it scared me to death. The voice told me all kinds of lies why I should be there. They were ALL lies. For a year I thought I was going to hell when I died. Slowly I had to rebuild my trust in Him. I went to confession and shared that with the priest. You may want to share your frustrations with a priest at confession or otherwise. They can help you bring peace to your heart.
Also, I had a priest tell me that if I understood more about my baptism and what that does i wouldnt worry so much about hell. Hope that helps 😉
 
Do you have a spiritual director? If not, perhaps call your parish to make an appointment with one and go over your concerns, etc. with them. They can help you get back on track, so to speak.
 
Praying for you.

Lord, have mercy.
Christ, have mercy.
Lord, have mercy.

Hail Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you.
Blessed are you among women and blessed is the
fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners
NOW and at the hour of our death. Amen!
 
Techno2000 said:
Prayer to the Shoulder Wound of Jesus

It is related in the annals of Clairvaux that St. Bernard asked Our Lord which was His greatest unrecorded suffering and Our Lord answered: “I had on My Shoulder, while I bore My Cross on the Way of Sorrows, a grievous Wound, which was more painful than the others and which is not recorded by men. Honor this Wound with thy devotion and I will grant thee whatsoever thou dost ask through Its virtue and merit. And in regard to all those who shall venerate this Wound, I will remit to them all their venial sins and will no longer remember their mortal sins.”

This revelation and promise of Our Dear Savior is another proof of His unlimited mercy. You are urged to say these prayers daily and to promulgate this prayer on a continuous basis, so that others may share in this blessing.

The Prayer
O Loving Jesus, meek Lamb of God, I a miserable sinner, salute and worship the most Sacred Wound of Thy Shoulder on which Thou didst bear Thy heavy Cross, which so tore Thy Flesh and laid bare Thy Bones as to inflict on Thee an anguish greater than any other Wound of Thy Most Blessed Body. I adore Thee, O Jesus most sorrowful; I praise and glorify Thee and give Thee thanks for this most sacred and painful Wound, beseeching Thee by that exceeding pain and by the crushing burden of Thy heavy Cross to be merciful to me, a sinner, to forgive me all my mortal and venial sins, and to lead me on towards Heaven along the Way of Thy Cross. Amen.

Imprimatur: Thomas D. Beven, Bishop of Springfield, Ma.

Pope Eugenius III, at the earnest request of St. Bernard, has granted three thousand years Indulgence to all who with a contrite heart, recite the Lord’s Prayer and Hail Mary 3 times, in honor of the Wound on the Shoulder of Our Blessed Redeemer.
brizek.com/prayer/pieta.htm#shwound
Click to expand...
Praying for you. Wow, this is the first time I have heard of this prayer. Thanks!
 
scrupulousrvrt said:
I’ve hit it (and had it). No matter what I do it’s sin this and sin that, despair, presumption, either/or, both/and, Sigmund Freud words, Hell. No cartharsis because that would be a sin. I’m dizzy, nauseous, delirious and can’t get my Faith Life, Prayer Life, Sacramental Life, Temporal Life, secondlife, this life, that life, straight!
If I go to Confession or Church i’ll probably have an anxiety attack.
everything has turned from bright and sunny to dark and Hellish. I’ve missed the mark by a wide margin; I’ve lost sight of heaven and put my primary focus on hell. All i focus on is sin. temptation and the afterlife so much so that’s it’s getting in the way of how I live, feel and just about anything else.
I can’t take this anymore.
Click to expand...
Until this gets better, and even after that, also remember to offer your sufferings to God in reparation for sins so that your sufferings will not be in vain.

“Jesus, it is for love of thee, in reparation for offenses committed against the Immaculate Heart of Mary and for the conversion of poor sinners”.
 
scrupulousrvrt said:
I’ve hit it (and had it). No matter what I do it’s sin this and sin that, despair, presumption, either/or, both/and, Sigmund Freud words, Hell. No cartharsis because that would be a sin. I’m dizzy, nauseous, delirious and can’t get my Faith Life, Prayer Life, Sacramental Life, Temporal Life, secondlife, this life, that life, straight!
If I go to Confession or Church i’ll probably have an anxiety attack.
everything has turned from bright and sunny to dark and Hellish. I’ve missed the mark by a wide margin; I’ve lost sight of heaven and put my primary focus on hell. All i focus on is sin. temptation and the afterlife so much so that’s it’s getting in the way of how I live, feel and just about anything else.
I can’t take this anymore.
Click to expand...
Been there. I feel your pain. As a recovering anxious depressed perfectionist, here are the main things that have been helpful for me along the way.
  1. Practice gratitude. When life seems black, list five things in life that you are thankful to God for right now. Not things you “should be” thankful for, but things you actually “are” thankful for. When your mind is in a dark place, this may take several minutes and a lot of effort, but it’s worth it. If you don’t feel better, keep going. Consider making a gratitude list and actually writing them down in a notebook. Nothing kills black melancholy like gratitude. It brings our eyes back to God and shows where he is actually present in our lives right now, taking care of us, giving us good gifts.
  2. Practice mercy. Be as merciful with yourself as you would be with someone else in your situation. Be as merciful to yourself as God is with you. Always remember how much God loves you. Think of all the good he has done for you in the past. You never have to do certain things or live up to a certain moral standard to earn his love. Perfectionism kills, but true perfection is deeply merciful. Bask in God’s mercy. He wants to give it to you in overflowing abundance.
  3. Find appropriate Bible passages to meditate on. Any Gospel passage involving Jesus’s unconditional love and forgiveness. Also: “Do not worry about your life…” and “My yoke is easy and my burden is light…” The Psalms – find the right one to express your thoughts. Pray with King David. Song of Songs – remember that you are God’s beloved.
  4. Find a helpful spiritual director or psychologist. There’s probably one in your parish - don’t be afraid to ask around. They might even see you for free.
  5. Finally, take good care of yourself. Consider how your diet, exercise, and sleep habits might be contributing to your frame of mind. (Cutting wheat completely out of my diet instantly cured about 60% of my depression, but it took me years of experimentation to figure that out.) Get appropriate rest and relaxation. On particularly bad days, remember to be extra gentle with yourself. A basic indulgence like a hot bath, a good book, or a favorite food can be helpful.
  6. Finally, on a more militant note, I find it helpful to remember that this is spiritual warfare. There is no better way to thwart Satan than to refuse to despair. Thumb your nose at him. Offer up your inner darkness for the conversion of sinners. Get up, do the dishes, and offer that up too. Recite Joshua 1:5-9. God is with you!
I hope some of this helped. I will keep you in prayer.
 
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