Role of single adults in the church

[sticknstring73]

I was just reading a thread in the family life section of catholic living, titled
Role of Young Adults in Church
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=999373

and it got me thinking about my own situation as a single (or not yet married) adult in church. The original thread was talking about parishioners from 19-25, my concern is about slightly older single parishioners say 35+. Before you read the questions I want to state that I accept that families in general are more important to the church because intrinsically they contain the future church, at least I hope they do as I am sure the parents do as well.

The questions are:
Can a faithful single adult, whether they intend to get married someday or not, be as important as a faithful family?

What is the most important thing to be doing at this age (35+) while in this state in order to honor God, country, family, self (in that order)? (This question is lifted and changed a bit from the original post.)

In addition are they performing a disservice by not starting a family?

Moderator: if you think this belongs somewhere else please work your magic.

 

[bardegaulois]

This is always a difficult question to answer, largely because there’s likely no response to it that can be universally applicable. It can get bound up with the question of whether we can really talk about a “single vocation” or not, and I believe we can’t because there’s nothing we can generally say about it that would apply to all. Specific circumstances say a lot in these cases. However, to get a better sense of how we can answer this, we can take a step back into certain broad generalities, and then see how they might be applied.

To begin, let’s focus on the question of vocation, something about which we all to often think very wrongly. The most distinct vocation is that to the priesthood, holy orders being a sacrament of character, and thus it’s rather incumbent upon young men to determine, along with their families, communities, pastors, and formators, if they have the marks of that vocation. Not all are called to the priesthood. However, there are two vocations that are universal: our natural vocation to marriage, and our supernatural vocation to celibacy.

Where we go from there depends much on our circumstance as well as on our individual choice. We can say that the normative place for a celibate is in the context of religious life, but that doesn’t always happen. Moreover, we also know that religious life did not even exist in the earliest centuries of the Church; it developed, and then went on to develop further through various permutations in response to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. So one who finds himself secular, non-ordained, and unmarried, especially if capable of taking on the duties of the religious state or of matrimony, is actually in a very good state, albeit one in which the lack of a human community presents many spiritual dangers.

The first tension that should give us pause here is that between one’s position and responsibilities in the world on the one hand and one’s finding oneself in a state of life oriented directly to God on the other, neither fully a Mary nor a Martha but one pulled in both directions. That, though, leads to more choice: do you delve into your worldly duties, or do you use the solitude and silence granted you to separate more from this world and to cultivate a deeper and more intimate friendship with God? And yes, you have far more silence and solitude now than if you were married or a secular priest.

The only thing to do is to take account of what is laid before you and choose and judge what is best and most prudent. It takes a lot of experience and maturity in order to be able to do that. As for your importance, as you call it, are you forgetting the teachings of Christ directly and of St Paul concerning celibacy, Paul Himself indicating that he would prefer all be as he is? Stop and consider for a moment why that might be.

 

[Matt241]

bardegaulois: Thank you for your answer. Even though it was intended for sticknstring73, I found it applicable to my own situation.

 

[phil19034]

The questions are:
Can a faithful single adult, whether they intend to get married someday or not, be as important as a faithful family?

**Yes, single people are just as important. Faithful singles have the ability to do things for the Church that the “married with children” (or “single with children”) cannot (or that is harder for the people with children).

For starters, faithful singles can donate more of their time and/or money to the Church because they have less familiar responsibilities. They don’t have to divide their time between the Church and the “domestic Church.” A parish that is able to mobilize their singles (whether young, 30-40s, and/or widowers) can reap lots of benifits for the parish AND the singles.**

What is the most important thing to be doing at this age (35+) while in this state in order to honor God, country, family, self (in that order)? (This question is lifted and changed a bit from the original post.)

In addition are they performing a disservice by not starting a family?

**No typical single person is performing a disservice by not starting a family. The only disservice would be rushing into marriage with the wrong person. NOTE: one could argue that the married couple who CAN have children and doesn’t for selfish reasons or is closed off to children is doing a disservice; but the single person isn’t (assuming they simply are not a playboy or play girl who wants to avoid marriage yet still play the field). **

 

[808Catholic]

I was just reading a thread in the family life section of catholic living, titled
Role of Young Adults in Church
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=999373

and it got me thinking about my own situation as a single (or not yet married) adult in church. The original thread was talking about parishioners from 19-25, my concern is about slightly older single parishioners say 35+. Before you read the questions I want to state that I accept that families in general are more important to the church because intrinsically they contain the future church, at least I hope they do as I am sure the parents do as well.

The questions are:
Can a faithful single adult, whether they intend to get married someday or not, be as important as a faithful family?

What is the most important thing to be doing at this age (35+) while in this state in order to honor God, country, family, self (in that order)? (This question is lifted and changed a bit from the original post.)

In addition are they performing a disservice by not starting a family?

Moderator: if you think this belongs somewhere else please work your magic.

Not to be cliched but what did Jesus do? He was not married, didn’t have children, and was under 35 years old when He died. So, to answer your question, “can a faithful single adult, whether they intend to get married someday or not, be as important as a faithful family?” YES!

 

[sticknstring73]

bardegaulois thank you for your thoughtful answer. I believe what you wrote is true. What gives me doubts is many of my fellow parishioners. My hope is that it is my own issue with my singleness, but when I meet people or join things it always seems like they are asking me if I’m married and when they hear the answer they always seem a bit crestfallen.

It has kind of left me wondering where people like me fit in. After I had made my confirmation I had asked my priest about what I could do and he seemed to talk about catechism for kids a bit which I thought was too soon for me to be doing, he felt as long as you could be one chapter ahead it would be fine as there would be some support. I felt I could be of more use in the shelter, so that’s what I did. Now I find myself looking into joining the KoC and the marriage question has come up again and kind of put me off for a bit.

While I believe in what Jesus and St Paul are talking about it seems like many others may not or at least they give it very little thought. Recently I had read somewhere that years ago consecrated life was considered to be the best of things now it seems marriage has taken its place.

To continue the idea that Phil started, if a church that could mobilize it’s singles it would be good for everyone but obviously this only works if the church itself can recognize the value in it. It seems to me that most parishes are very family based and seem to regard their older singles, unless they are widowed, as just odd ducks. Thoughts?

 

[Sarcelle]

bardegaulois thank you for your thoughtful answer. I believe what you wrote is true. What gives me doubts is many of my fellow parishioners. My hope is that it is my own issue with my singleness, but when I meet people or join things it always seems like they are asking me if I’m married and when they hear the answer they always seem a bit crestfallen.

It has kind of left me wondering where people like me fit in. After I had made my confirmation I had asked my priest about what I could do and he seemed to talk about catechism for kids a bit which I thought was too soon for me to be doing, he felt as long as you could be one chapter ahead it would be fine as there would be some support. I felt I could be of more use in the shelter, so that’s what I did. Now I find myself looking into joining the KoC and the marriage question has come up again and kind of put me off for a bit.

While I believe in what Jesus and St Paul are talking about it seems like many others may not or at least they give it very little thought. Recently I had read somewhere that years ago consecrated life was considered to be the best of things now it seems marriage has taken its place.

To continue the idea that Phil started, if a church that could mobilize it’s singles it would be good for everyone but obviously this only works if the church itself can recognize the value in it. It seems to me that most parishes are very family based and seem to regard their older singles, unless they are widowed, as just odd ducks. Thoughts?

Most parishes, in my experience, are more than willing to accept you in their ministries. I am speaking as an older single. I guess I am lucky that there are a lot of older singles as well as de facto singles in my parish so we are not considered odd ducks. Also by de facto singles, I mean people who are married but their spouses are either non-Catholics or lapsed Catholics. You see a lot of people who are by themselves in mass but that does not mean they are single and have no family nearby.

If anyone decides to look down on you because you are single, than that’s their problem not yours. If the parish decides they do not want your contribution because you are single, you can volunteer elsewhere.

 

[808Catholic]

bardegaulois thank you for your thoughtful answer. I believe what you wrote is true. What gives me doubts is many of my fellow parishioners. My hope is that it is my own issue with my singleness, but when I meet people or join things it always seems like they are asking me if I’m married and when they hear the answer they always seem a bit crestfallen.

It has kind of left me wondering where people like me fit in. After I had made my confirmation I had asked my priest about what I could do and he seemed to talk about catechism for kids a bit which I thought was too soon for me to be doing, he felt as long as you could be one chapter ahead it would be fine as there would be some support. I felt I could be of more use in the shelter, so that’s what I did. Now I find myself looking into joining the KoC and the marriage question has come up again and kind of put me off for a bit.

While I believe in what Jesus and St Paul are talking about it seems like many others may not or at least they give it very little thought. Recently I had read somewhere that years ago consecrated life was considered to be the best of things now it seems marriage has taken its place.

To continue the idea that Phil started, if a church that could mobilize it’s singles it would be good for everyone but obviously this only works if the church itself can recognize the value in it. It seems to me that most parishes are very family based and seem to regard their older singles, unless they are widowed, as just odd ducks. Thoughts?

Perhaps this is a apostolate you are being called for and prayer/discernment may be the way to go to understand where God wants you to be. Many times, a parish has needs that aren’t met because there just aren’t enough volunteers/leaders to take on the challenge. The formation of a young, single adult ministry may be your calling.

 

[Vic_Taltrees_UK]

I only found out in my 40s I’m a little autistic so it’s no wonder I’ve been too shy to get round to getting married (though quite a lot do).

I now give myself permission to not care what others think about someone outside the paradigm at their parish. (In my case it’s based on several other things even more than being older and single.)

As it happens I don’t volunteer at any church but I am slightly involved (informally) at a non-Catholic church (where I don’t take communion).

 

[bardegaulois]

bardegaulois thank you for your thoughtful answer. I believe what you wrote is true. What gives me doubts is many of my fellow parishioners. My hope is that it is my own issue with my singleness, but when I meet people or join things it always seems like they are asking me if I’m married and when they hear the answer they always seem a bit crestfallen.

It has kind of left me wondering where people like me fit in. After I had made my confirmation I had asked my priest about what I could do and he seemed to talk about catechism for kids a bit which I thought was too soon for me to be doing, he felt as long as you could be one chapter ahead it would be fine as there would be some support. I felt I could be of more use in the shelter, so that’s what I did. Now I find myself looking into joining the KoC and the marriage question has come up again and kind of put me off for a bit.

While I believe in what Jesus and St Paul are talking about it seems like many others may not or at least they give it very little thought. Recently I had read somewhere that years ago consecrated life was considered to be the best of things now it seems marriage has taken its place.

To continue the idea that Phil started, if a church that could mobilize it’s singles it would be good for everyone but obviously this only works if the church itself can recognize the value in it. It seems to me that most parishes are very family based and seem to regard their older singles, unless they are widowed, as just odd ducks. Thoughts?

The best thing you can do, Sticknstring, is to pay no heed to what they might think. Face it, most people you’ll meet in a parish are, well, parochial in their outlook. That’s just the way of the world, and as one who marries is much more firmly positioned in the world than one who is not, he will be quick to buy into it, regardless of its accord or lack thereof with church tradition. It’s good to remember that the Council of Trent went so far as anathematizing anyone who would declare marriage better than celibacy.

But to respond to your last paragraph, understand please that religious life began when hermits began to band together for mutual support and common prayer and became monks. Religious life came through the celibate life being lived to its full glory. In many ways the Desert Fathers and various other assorted holy people of the Apostolic and Patristic periods, in the age before religious life existed. So if you’re saying that the Church should “mobilize it’s [sic] singles”–a term I rather dislike, I should add–note that it’s already been done, and not by the Church as an abstract, but by Benedict and Francis and by other saintly founders under the influence of the Holy Spirit.

These men, however, lived a particular sort of life before there was a Benedictine monastery or a Franciscan order to speak of, and were willing to live that sort of life forever if God didn’t have other plans. That is the life open to the non-ordained celibate today who is not under religious obedience, and it’s likely far outside of the purview of the married layfolk you speak of earlier and likely even your parish priest. If you’re sincere about pursuing the path of sanctity, you’d probably do well seeking out spiritual direction at a nearby house of religious. However, if it’s just civil respectability you’re after, neither they nor I can help you.

 

[Latinitas]

I was just reading a thread in the family life section of catholic living, titled
Role of Young Adults in Church
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=999373

and it got me thinking about my own situation as a single (or not yet married) adult in church. The original thread was talking about parishioners from 19-25, my concern is about slightly older single parishioners say 35+. Before you read the questions I want to state that I accept that families in general are more important to the church because intrinsically they contain the future church, at least I hope they do as I am sure the parents do as well.

The questions are:
Can a faithful single adult, whether they intend to get married someday or not, be as important as a faithful family?

What is the most important thing to be doing at this age (35+) while in this state in order to honor God, country, family, self (in that order)? (This question is lifted and changed a bit from the original post.)

In addition are they performing a disservice by not starting a family?

First of all, married people and families are not more important than singles to the Church - the countless history of consecrated virgins and celibates living in the world provide ample testimony to this. Remember, it is a dogma of the Catholic faith, that celibacy and virginity are more praiseworthy than marriage, not just among priests and religious but even among the laity (marriage is praiseworthy too - it’s a sacrament, after all, but celibacy is better). Even if you desire to marry and think you are called to marriage, you consecrate your singleness in the meantime to God’s glory and use your freedom to help the Church in other ways.

So, don’t be discouraged about being single. It’s not a curse, and if properly lived out, actually earns a greater reward than marriage.

Benedicat Deus,
Latinitas

 

[Mary_Ellen]

The questions are:
Can a faithful single adult, whether they intend to get married someday or not, be as important as a faithful family?

Of course. If they are not called to marriage it would be a mistake to marry just for the sake of starting a biological family, hoping that it will be a faithful family though the initial union of man and woman is forced and not called together by God.

What is the most important thing to be doing at this age (35+) while in this state in order to honor God, country, family, self (in that order)?

Isn’t this the question the young man asked Jesus, What must I do to gain eternal life? It’s the never-ending question, what must I do to be a saint? The answer is the same and, at the same time, different for everyone: sell all you have and follow Jesus. What I have to give up may be different from what you have to give up but, in the end, we have to give up everything and follow Christ completely, perfectly following God’s will for each of our lives.

In addition are they performing a disservice by not starting a family?

Is this a question you would ask single saints, men non-ordained and men and women who never took formal vows? There are many souls in heaven who never formally consecrated their lives to God, never married, and still performed service to God, country, family, and self (your order) in union with the will of God.

 

[sticknstring73]

What is the most important thing to be doing at this age (35+) while in this state in order to honor God, country, family, self (in that order)?

Isn’t this the question the young man asked Jesus, What must I do to gain eternal life? It’s the never-ending question, what must I do to be a saint? The answer is the same and, at the same time, different for everyone: sell all you have and follow Jesus. What I have to give up may be different from what you have to give up but, in the end, we have to give up everything and follow Christ completely, perfectly following God’s will for each of our lives.

In addition are they performing a disservice by not starting a family?

Is this a question you would ask single saints, men non-ordained and men and women who never took formal vows? There are many souls in heaven who never formally consecrated their lives to God, never married, and still performed service to God, country, family, and self (your order) in union with the will of God.

These are really the only pertinent questions. I stand corrected.