Roman Catholic marrying an Atheist

[FirstName_LastN]

My girlfriend believes in god; I do not. We’ve always been very respectful of our respective beliefs. We were both baptised as Roman Catholics and raised in Roman Catholic families.

As a Roman Catholic woman, you have a responsibility to marry someone of faith, to grow spiritually with them in marriage and to raise your children as Roman Catholics. I understand what it would mean for her to marry a non-believer and to forgo the spiritual dimension of a marriage with this person. I appreciate her willingness to do so. Conversely, she understands how disconcerting it would be for me to make religious vows before God in a church ceremony and to partake in future religious responsibilities. She appreciates my willingness to do so.

What has been challenging is the topic of children. Understandably, she cannot imagine a scenario where children are not raised as Roman Catholics. She worries about the divided message a believer and a non-believer would send their children (as opposed to parents of two different faiths, but faiths nonetheless). She doesn’t expect me to attend church on Sundays or to actively cultivate the children’s faith in God but a vocal non-believer could negate her efforts to do so no matter how respectful and supportive dad is of mom’s beliefs. One option is for dad not to be vocal on this topic. I’m not opposed to children being raised with Roman Catholic values but I would hate to lie to them about my beliefs. Another option is not to have children.

I would appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut or advice you could offer. Do you have any experience with this as a parent or child? Thank you for your insight.

 

[1ke]

Do both of you a favor and move on.

A catholic cannot enter a marriage purposely excluding children.

A catholic is obligated to raise their children catholic.

You are both in for nothing but strife and heartache if you move forward knowing you would be divided in your own house. Either god exists or he does not. This is not something that can be compromised on, and yes it would be detrimental to your children to be raised in such a confused environment.

 

[Della]

Do both of you a favor and move on.

A catholic cannot enter a marriage purposely excluding children.

A catholic is obligated to raise their children catholic.

You are both in for nothing but strife and heartache if you move forward knowing you would be divided in your own house. Either god exists or he does not. This is not something that can be compromised on, and yes it would be detrimental to your children to be raised in such a confused environment.

Yes. OP, you would end up resenting your gf’s faith and she would end up being hurt. Your children would be confused and then angry with you both and with God. They would probably end up atheists, too but not from mere disbelief, but because of being pulled one way and then another as children. If you don’t want this in a marriage and for your children you should reconsider your atheism or find a girl who believes as you do and let your present gf find someone who, like her, is truly Catholic and committed to his faith.

 

[Rete]

The father’s faith is essential to a healthy family. Children need a father who prays for them and guides them, blesses them, and protects them from spiritual harm in addition to physical harm. The father is given spiritual authority over a family, and when he abnegates that role, the children often suffer.

 

[marymary1975]

Do both of you a favor and move on.

A catholic cannot enter a marriage purposely excluding children.

A catholic is obligated to raise their children catholic.

You are both in for nothing but strife and heartache if you move forward knowing you would be divided in your own house. Either god exists or he does not. This is not something that can be compromised on, and yes it would be detrimental to your children to be raised in such a confused environment.

I agree with the above. I was married to an atheists and I can tell you it is a recipe for disaster. Whatever is an issue during dating will become a problem.multipled by two in the marriage and religion has the potential to be even worse, especially when children are added to the mix.

 

[JackieO123]

One word: Convert

Atheism is illogical and lacks any good arguments. The arguments that have been presented have been swiftly put down by better ones via defenders of the faith. God is the only logical answer. Please, read the Summa Theologica, or something similar. I’ll pray for you.

If you find that you can’t convert via the logical conclusion, then it would be a bad idea to marry this woman. Your children would undoubtedly suffer from such a marriage, because of the arguments, heartbreak, and very likely divorce in the future.

 

[pensmama87]

Do both of you a favor and move on.

A catholic cannot enter a marriage purposely excluding children.

A catholic is obligated to raise their children catholic.

You are both in for nothing but strife and heartache if you move forward knowing you would be divided in your own house. Either god exists or he does not. This is not something that can be compromised on, and yes it would be detrimental to your children to be raised in such a confused environment.

I agree completely.

 

[getysbg]

The father’s faith is essential to a healthy family. Children need a father who prays for them and guides them, blesses them, and protects them from spiritual harm in addition to physical harm. The father is given spiritual authority over a family, and when he abnegates that role, the children often suffer.

My faith, as a father, was not there when our child was growing up. She left the Church. Finda priest that you can talk with to debate your issues. Perhaps he might convince you, perhaps not. As it is, you are in for a very rough ride. I’m glad I found the way back.

On another note, I commend you for being so concerned that you posted here. By doing so, you showed that you want what is best for all.

 

[agnes_therese]

OP, you’re both considering a very difficult path; more difficult for your girlfriend, over the long run, than you, IMO.

You can’t exclude children, and it’s not fair to you to ask you to hide your beliefs. As you already realize, that’s going to be very confusing for the children. I would urge the two of you to discuss this with a priest, perhaps your girlfriend’s parish priest or another that she trusts. He may have seen similar situations and how they evolve over the years, and can tell you from experience what you’re facing.

I trust you won’t mind if I pray for the two of you.

 

[RoseMary131]

she cannot imagine a scenario where children are not raised as Roman Catholics. She worries about the divided message

One option is for dad not to be vocal on this topic.

Another option is not to have children.

I would appreciate any (name removed by moderator)ut or advice you could offer.

How does she feel about dad not being vocal on topics of faith, creation, belief?

How do you feel about not being vocal (or expressive through other means - attitudes, facial expression, body language) so as to remain totally neutral until the children are grown?

How does she feel about not having children?

How do you feel about not having children?

How does each of you feel about not having children so that you can be free to express your unbelief in your home?

 

[BettyBoop416]

Contrary to what these well meaning people have been saying, as one who is married to a non-believer, I can honestly say that my marriage has been great. While the posters above are pointing out some very real potential bumps in the road, each situation is different. Before I got married I was subjected to warning after warning about marrying a non-Catholic. Looking back, I am SO glad I took the road that I did. There is not a Catholic man in the world for whom I would trade my husband.

 

[Geo17]

I agree with what’s been said already. If you 2 are very young, as in under 25, maybe you can put the marriage idea on hold, and take a good long look at why you don’t believe God exists. I was born and raised Catholic, but at 18 I stopped believing God was real. But at 27 God started a change in me. I fought Him like crazy. But by 30 God won, and I’m glad He did.

I don’t know why you think God isn’t real and how strong that is in you? But if you’re totally against God, don’t marry this girl. This will always come between you two, and it will have a negative effect on the kids. God says to us to not be unequally yoked together, and that’s what you 2 will be.

I came from parents where my Mother had a strong devotion to God. But my father didn’t. In fact he seemed to think God was only for women. He was a very mixed up man, and he confused me on so many things.

Since you came here I think maybe you want help with your nonbelief. We can help, and the clergy can help. But if you don’t want any help, move on.

 

[maryjk]

I am a Roman Catholic married to an Atheist.

I know. A recipe for disaster. Divorce in the making.

But we have been married over 20 years.

So, yes, it can be done.

BUT, when a Catholic marries outside of the faith, the Catholic’s priority should be to find someone that will support the faith. Someone that will make it easy to live their faith and that will help them raise their children in the faith.

Can you be that person? Can you? Can you support your wife’s faith. Support her in raising children in the faith? Can you help her get to heaven?

My husband has stepped up to the plate. He does everything he can to be that person.

Can you?

 

[InspiritCarol]

Contrary to what these well meaning people have been saying, as one who is married to a non-believer, I can honestly say that my marriage has been great. While the posters above are pointing out some very real potential bumps in the road, each situation is different. Before I got married I was subjected to warning after warning about marrying a non-Catholic. Looking back, I am SO glad I took the road that I did. There is not a Catholic man in the world for whom I would trade my husband.

Perhaps there are no children in your case?

 

[Upturned]

She better be a good kisser.

Since you will both be working on the conversion of the other, I hope you win.

 

[manualman]

I see it this way. A good marriage is like hitting the bullseye in an archery competition. There are a LARGE variety of factors that can either move you closer to the target before you shoot, or move your further away from it. Marrying someone of the same faith moves you DRAMATICALLY closer to the target.

Can you shoot a bullseye from 100 yards away? It’s probably been done. But why would you want to take your ONE shot from further out than you need to?

Set yourself up to win, not to fail.

 

[KimberlyCat]

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. End the relationship and go your separate ways. You can’t have it both ways. It’s either 100% Catholic or 100% Atheist. It’s like mixing oil and water. Good Luck.

 

[Aisha]

Naturally, Marriage is a complex agreement between two persons riddled with intricate patterns of obstacles to be overcome each day. Staying married to anyone is hard work, compounding this already complex situation with religious tensions is very delicate. Religious argument can be fueled by blinded passion and just like any other argument can be ignited by issues as simple as how you place a glass of water on the table.
I have a love one who after having three children and 21 years of denial have separated from her Atheist Husband citing incompatibility as the cause with religion as the #one issue.
I pray that God would guide you and give you the wisdom to walk your path through life bringing Blessings to those you encounter.

Thank You for sharing with us

 

[Dnice]

I attended my first RCIA meeting last night and there were 2 men in there who stated the same reason for being there: their children. They married Catholic women (and one was indeed a Baptized non-practicing Catholic; the other was not Baptized) and their children are at the age of receiving First Communion and have begun to ask questions like “Why doesn’t Daddy go to Church?” and “Why doesn’t Daddy go up to received Communion with you Mommy?” These men are at a very pivotal time in their lives; they chose to marry Catholic women and promised those women the children would be brought up in the Catholic Church. It has created a disparity and it becomes very evident to the children as they get older. These gentlemen have taken the first steps to reconcile the fractures in the family faith. I think if you are an atheist (and truly know you are) then it would be very unfair and confusing to your possible future children, and really to your future wife, to create a family with such fractures.

How would you answer your child’s question: Daddy, can you please say prayers with me tonight? Think about about that.

 

[ServantPD]

I’ve seen this type of couples, especially one that it seemed that a Cathlic woman had two marriages (long story, and I couldn’t afford to know the details), both with Roman Catholics, but having the current husband becoming an atheist (of the type that really seems to have this as an a priori belief, up to the point I didn’t even afford to respond to avoid offending him of his non-sense that seemed even more myhical than Christianity was to me back when I was an atheist), and the result was far from the best. The youngest seemed to me as super-proud of being non-religious when we were passing by a cathedral, the oldest that came from the 1st marriage had a crisis of faith and the husband was just a guy that was locked on to the idea that Christianity was a lie, and all of his defense was plain rhetoric and scientism and no philosophy whatsoever. Not only the oldest kid is confused, the youngest seems to lack a logical stance for morals over his lack of humility and the poor woman just prays to God for this situation to get any better, asking help from all the saints she knows.

But on the other side, my father seems not to be much of a believer either, but all he’s said about God is that when he was my age he never studied and prayed on the last night before his exams and hoping for good results, but when he started studying instead of praying, then he actually got good grades. He complains when I spend too much time at church instead of visiting his parents (my grand-parents, per se) and stuff like that, but he seems oblivious to the fact that they rarely go to the sacristy after Mass to meet me either (I’m an acolyte, I help at Mass and I’m naturally there all the time). But as I had my mom and grand-mother as examples of faithful before I became an atheist and after I converted back, my dad’s relunctance was always irrelevant to me. This turned out to be like this, and I recognize that I may be more self-determined in finding the truth of things, wheter in science or philosophy or whatever, than my peers, so the same results may not come from your children (and I doubt that you want your point of view to be ignored, either).

As a former atheist that eventually became Catholic, I’ve been where you are and I think it’d be super-unfair for you not to marry because of this, but I’ve seen that a proper deliberation may show that it isn’t the best option. Not having a Catholic wedding seems to be no answer, neither is having no kids or shutting yourself up seems very fair to any of you. But if you truly love each other, not marrying is not a good idea in my mind…

I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a straight answer on this, but I’ve given two examples that I’ve witnessed (and lived) myself. They may be some fuel for your personal deliberation on this.
Only two exits seem to come out of this, since I think you should marry for the sake of your love for each other. The first one is to marry in the way that you see fit and just hope for the best. But as I’ve shown, this isn’t the safest, and your girl might get a bit hurt like the woman I pointed out.

The second exit is having yourself to reconsider your atheism. I honestly don’t think you should feel obligued to this, but as JackieO123 said above, with the philosophical argumentation that theism stands itself on, it completley crushes atheism, wheter one likes it or not, and I’ve realized it and was one of the main reasons I became agnostic after I barely looked into the philosophy of this, before actually converting back. Being reasonable like this is hard to do, but it may just happen, and a better outcome in life for your potential wife and yourself is much more plausible. Again, I don’t think you should feel obligued, but given the circunstances, thinking a bit about it may not seem as the worst idea.

Good luck with this, it doesn’t sound easy at all…