Roomate problems

[stacey8286]

hi… im having a really difficult time trying to figgure out what to do with my roomate situation

im in college and I have an off campus appartment with two of my friends. I have been friends with one of them for three years and this past year she has started dating this guy… anyway things are moving really fast between them and he basically lives at our apartment now… he sleeps here every night. I know that this is wrong and he shouldnt be staying here, especially because his own house is really close… oh and he doesnt pay rent but the thing is I get along with both of them… how can i tell my friend that i dont want him to sleep here?.. is it even my place to tell her that? i know i cant force them into a chaste lifestyle (neither of them are catholic and im pretty sure they wouldnt be open to it) but i dont want that going on in our apartment.

I dont talk to my friend as much as i used to anymore but i want to tell her that he cant sleep here. i think that this will be hard and i dont really know what to say… i feel like they have gotten so used to seeing eachother every night that it will start a big argument … also i am supposed to be living with the same girls for the next two years.

 

[strngrnrth]

If you’re off-campus, how is it that you’re supposed to be living with them for two years? Isn’t it your choice? Put the word out that you wouldn’t mind moving in with another roommate who is livign a chaste life and tell your roommate why. Explain how uncomfortable you are.
First, clarify for yourself exactly why you are upset. Because she is doing something wrong? be ready for arguments about your own faults. Don’t fall for that response. Say you know you aren’t perfect but this is serious to you. Loss of privacy? Don’t accept compromises there. There is a man in your home when you are getting dressed, apparently, and you have a right to refuse to live that way. Because people might assume things about you? Whatever the reason, be clear about it and draw a hard line.

 

[Rach620]

I’m a college student as well, and I don’t have hard and fast answers for you, but a few ideas.

I think it’s really difficult to talk to roommates about chaste dating (especially when they are not Catholic!), but when it infringes on your living space/habits–especially when you’re the one paying the rent–it’s time to have a conversation.

I know you’ve probably been living together for awhile now (since the beginning of this school year, I’m guessing), but maybe now would be the time to talk about ‘rules’ for the girls living in your apartment. If you’re going to be with them for the next two years, why not draw something up that applies to everyone equally if they start dating, and have everyone sign it. Maybe include things like…

• Men must be out of the apartment by 12am on weekdays and 2am on weekends (those are the rules in my dorm at a Catholic college…pretty lenient but also good enough to prevent overnight guests).
• If your significant other plans on spending much of his time here and eating our food, he should start contributing to the grocery bill.

Talk to your roommate honestly, tell her that you’re not comfortable with her boyfriend basically moving in with you, because you had only intended to share the apartment with other women.

Maybe tell her that you’re uncomfortable with him being there all night because it is your home and you’re not as comfortable with him walking around late at night or in the morning when you’d like to feel ‘at ease’. (I know that would be one of my main concerns–I like bumming around in my PJs and going to shower in my robe in my all-women’s dorm, when I don’t have to worry about men being around.)

If you want to start a chastity conversation, try to approach it from a positive angle–not what they “shouldn’t” be doing, but positive relationship-building things. How going too far too soon can lead to much more pain if you break up. How pregnancy is a real potential issue because no birth control is 100%.

At the very least, she should respect you as a roommate who pays her share of the rent. If not, then it seems like it could be time for her to move out.

 

[Nanny_PK]

I agree with Rach260. I’m not a college student – haven’t been for a while – but I went through a very similar situation. The bad thing was the roommate was my best friend and that basically destroyed the friendship. Her boyfriend was living with us despite the fact that before I moved in with her (gave up my own apartment to move in with her because her roommate backed out at the last minute) we had a frank discussion about the fact that I did not want him to live there. At that time I had to reverted back to Catholocism so the occasional overnight didn’t bother me then as it would now. To make a long story short it got very ugly and I ended up moving out just as I was on the verge of having a nervous breakdown.

Since they’re not Catholic, I would stress it from your point of view of being uncomfortable – the not feeling comfortable walking around in your PJs, et cetera. If she opens it up to further questions, then you can express the fact that it’s against your moral beliefs.

But I would be firm that you will not live in this situation and if you have to you will move out – put it on yourself.
Maybe start putting feelers out for those looking for a roommate when the semester/lease ends – check with your college’s Newman Center. If she’s not willing to be appreciative of your feelings then you might just have to move out.

 

[Thomas63116]

Good advice has already been given. I would just emphasize that your moral and religious objections do not need to be, and probaly should not be, the focus of the conversation. You probably don’t need to mention them at all.

Take religious and moral questions entirely out of the equation, and what do you have? Three people agreed to live together, sharing rent, utilities, food costs etc. as well as responsibility for household chores (whatever your specific agreement was). You agreed to this (presumably) because you knew and trusted the other two people inolved, and felt that this arrangement would be fair and equitable.

Now, one of the three, without consulting the other two, has essentially brought another person into the arrangement. This new person is not paying a share of the expenses, or taking a share of household responsibilities. This is not a person you know well, and not a person you chose to live with. It may be appropriate to mention that you do not feel comfortable having a man as a roommate, and that was part of the reason you chose to live with two other young women. There is also a difference in terms of level of stress and inconvenience associated with living with two people as opposed to three people.

This is simply not the living arrangement you signed up for, and moral and religious issues aside, it is unfair of your friend to ask (really she hasn’t even asked, she has simply expected) you to adjust to the new conditions.

 

[stacey8286]

thank you everyone for your advice, the thing is I cant really move out because the lady who is renting it out to us is a family friend.

should i tell her how i feel now or wait til next year before we move back in? there is only a month of school left…

 

[Nanny_PK]

Could you talk to the landlady? Let her know that a fourth person (a male) is living there? Maybe she could handle it. Maybe she could make the roommate who is not following the rules move out and then y’all get someone else to take her place. If she’s so intent on living with him, she could move into his place.

I would talk to the landlady first. Then stick it out for one more month – if you have to, just keep to your room or the library or the Newmann Center… But before school starts up again, I would have a plan in place.