Roommate Sex and Rules

[jesusalright4me]

Hi all! So I am in a bit of a moral dilemma.

I will be rooming with two other guys next semester. I am also a male. They are the two of my best friends I can have. But when it comes to many moral beliefs, there is nothing more we can disagree on. This is especially true in terms of sexual ethics.

In discussing ground rules for next year, a few questions I am conflicted about came up. One was about cohabitating. It was asked if we would be comfortable with any of our girlfriends staying overnight. I said I am not comfortable, but that I could compromise if they stayed in the living room. Thing is, I know that if these guys’ girlfriends sleep over, they will likely fall asleep together. I don’t like it, but I felt I could compromise. Is it wrong to encourage such sinful behavior?

Further yet, the question of sex came up. Generally, it sounds like they both are fine with sex in the room, as long as whoever is about to have sex lets the other two know somehow to avoid awkward interruptions. I, on the other hand, said I am against this on that grounds that it is uncomfortable for me to have that going on in our room. I also told them that, as a Catholic who is completely against premarital sex, it would feel like giving them liscense to do something evil, which would weigh on my conscience. I am not so sure they understand how I can be so serious about my sexual ethics, as they both have a somewhat relatvistic worldview. We didn’t come to a conclusion before our conversation ended.

I know that we are all adults and can make our own decisions, but allowing sex is just one of those things that I think would be scandalous. I am going to talk to my priest about it, but in the meantime any advice on what I should do?

 

[1ke]

My advice is that you decide exactly what can and cannot be tolerated, communicate it clearly and stick to it (and expect them to).

When my best friend and I began rooming together in a 2 bedroom apartment, I was not Catholic and not opposed to overnight guests on her part, or my part really although I didn’t have any. Shortly thereafter I began RCIA. We had a talk, and the house rule became no overnight male guests (family members excepted) and no hanky-panky in the apartment.

We lived together 5 years and she respected those boundaries and stayed at her boyfriend’s place and never had him over at ours overnight. When I briefly dated a guy who lived in another city, I did not ask for any exception, such as him staying on our couch or in her room while she stayed elsewhere. My guy stayed in a hotel (and no I didn’t stay with him in the hotel).

Be up front, be clear, be consistent. Don’t send mixed signals. Don’t agree to things that you really don’t want to. Worst case scenario, you find they are not amenable and you don’t room with them. That is better than getting agreement that isn’t really agreement and then coming home violated to boundaries.

 

[Allegra]

If I understand correctly, you are talking about not only sharing an apartment or house, but actually sharing a bedroom with these people? If that’s the case, then heck yeah it’s reasonable to not expect them to bring girls into the room and have sex with them! That would be completely reasonable, even if you were totally okay with premarital sex! It’s called ‘decency’. Little boys who don’t have their own room to sleep in are not old enough to be having sex. As a girl, and when I was college-aged, I would have been appalled at the suggestion that a guy have his roommate wait out in the hall while he “did me” in his dorm room! Somehow, that’s even lower and creepier than the backseat of a car! And is this college housing? Isn’t there a rule against this? I mean, I went to a public university with a coed dorm and girlfriends weren’t allowed to spend the night on the boys’ floors. Both parties could be fined or put out. When my friends’ girlfriends came to visit, we let her stay in our room. Frankly, if these guys can’t agree to a little bit of decency and reasonable taste, I wouldn’t move into the room with them. It would be a little different if it was an apartment with separate rooms, or a house, but even then, there are a lot of people who aren’t comfortable with overnight guests. (who have a tendency to become semi-permanent, non-rent-paying leaches.)

 

[macstar]

Not being able to stay in your bed (or for them in their bed) is going to get old really quickly. Awkward interruptions are bound to happen. If they’re in the living room and you need to go elsewhere in the residence or need to leave, how will you get past the awkwardness of something going on in the living room?

While you may be a good influence to them, be careful that their actions don’t influence you to pick up similar behavior. Unfortunately this can and does happen, usually slowly and over time.

 

[PaulfromIowa]

If you are talking about a shared bedroom, the answer should be a definite no. If they will not agree, find other roommates who share your beliefs.

 

[jesusalright4me]

If I understand correctly, you are talking about not only sharing an apartment or house, but actually sharing a bedroom with these people? If that’s the case, then heck yeah it’s reasonable to not expect them to bring girls into the room and have sex with them! That would be completely reasonable, even if you were totally okay with premarital sex! It’s called ‘decency’. Little boys who don’t have their own room to sleep in are not old enough to be having sex…Isn’t there a rule against this? I mean, I went to a public university with a coed dorm and girlfriends weren’t allowed to spend the night on the boys’ floors. Both parties could be fined or put out.

It will be a dormroom with two separate rooms. One will be our living room, the other will be our sleeping quarters. And I agree om the decency! But in today’s day and age, sex is often taken as an expectation in a relationship, and for some it is considered indecent to NOT allow people to have sex. I don’t think this, but my roommates likely do. There is no rule about coed housing at my college, people can stay with who they like.

 

[jesusalright4me]

My advice is that you decide exactly what can and cannot be tolerated, communicate it clearly and stick to it (and expect them to).

Luckily I plan on doing this. I think I will be more clear on no cohabitation.

While you may be a good influence to them, be careful that their actions don’t influence you to pick up similar behavior. Unfortunately this can and does happen, usually slowly and over time.

And this is another reason I do not want this to happen. I do not want such things to be going on that would cause me to think lustful thoughts or what not. I want as pure as an environment as possible.

If you are talking about a shared bedroom, the answer should be a definite no. If they will not agree, find other roommates who share your beliefs.

Luckily, I have a similar solution I just thought of. Right now I am paying for my own room in this triple-dorm set up. They are paying for a double room right next door. Our rooms are connected by our private hallway and a bathroom. If worse comes to worse, I have the power, as the one paying for my single room, to say I want to room by myself while they room right next door in what would have been our living room. They would be roommates and they could make their own rules. Hope that makes sense. Regardless, it might just have to be this way.

 

[1ke]

It will be a dormroom with two separate rooms. One will be our living room, the other will be our sleeping quarters. And I agree om the decency! But in today’s day and age, sex is often taken as an expectation in a relationship, and for some it is considered indecent to NOT allow people to have sex. I don’t think this, but my roommates likely do. There is no rule about coed housing at my college, people can stay with who they like.

Oh… Eeeewwww. One shared bedroom with multiple roommates? No girls allowed. Yuk. Tell them no way. Go elsewhere for sexual activity.

 

[Allegra]

It will be a dormroom with two separate rooms. One will be our living room, the other will be our sleeping quarters. And I agree om the decency! But in today’s day and age, sex is often taken as an expectation in a relationship, and for some it is considered indecent to NOT allow people to have sex. I don’t think this, but my roommates likely do. There is no rule about coed housing at my college, people can stay with who they like.

Actually, no. Most civilized people don’t expect others to clear out of their own living and sleeping quarters for booty calls or stay and watch. That’s just straight up disrespectful. And what kind of girl would be cool with that? Yuck! Tell your friends that a real man would at least take the girl to a private hotel room.

 

[jesusalright4me]

Actually, no. Most civilized people don’t expect others to clear out of their own living and sleeping quarters for booty calls or stay and watch. That’s just straight up disrespectful. And what kind of girl would be cool with that? Yuck! Tell your friends that a real man would at least take the girl to a private hotel room.

I think they just were planning on texting me/eachother if things were to get heated or what not between their girlfriends and them. They would not ask me to leave in person. But still, the point is that I am uncomfortable about them even having sex in the room.

If you ask me, a real man would not lead his girl into sin, and would sacrifice his pleasure now for the sake of loving their future spouse in the sexual embrace

 

[ToeInTheWater]

I think they just were planning on texting me/eachother if things were to get heated or what not between their girlfriends and them. They would not ask me to leave in person. But still, the point is that I am uncomfortable about them even having sex in the room.

If you ask me, a real man would not lead his girl into sin, and would sacrifice his pleasure now for the sake of loving their future spouse in the sexual embrace

I agree and I don’t think the other posters are saying that having sex outside marriage is fine, they are just pointing out that kicking your roommate out of a shared residence so you can have sex, is just considered poor form and inconsiderate even among those who have no problem with the sex itself.

As opposed to this idea that people have some kind of unlimited right to pursue sex even at the inconvenience of others. Indeed, it seems even your prospective roomies have not actually said anything like that, you just think they “likely do”. Sure some really immature people do that, when I was in college about 20 years ago it was called “sexile” and people who did that to their roommates were considered rude and inconsiderate.

Now, is it too late to change the living arrangements here? Because I would not want to room with anyone who expected me to clear out of my own room when sexual situations are impending, with the only warning being a text (and the fact that these guys apparently send texts while they’re having sex, is even more disturbing, but maybe that’s a Millenial thing that I don’t understand as a old Gen X fuddy-duddy.)

 

[jesusalright4me]

If you are talking about a shared bedroom, the answer should be a definite no. If they will not agree, find other roommates who share your beliefs.

So new development, we may end up choosing an apartment instead. 3 different bedrooms and we would each get our own. It sounds like one of the guys is excited because it would give him an opportunity to have sex on what technically is his rented property. Since he would have his own bedroom he thinks anything goes.

However, I am still extremely uncomfortable with this. Yes I know his room is technically his property, but a part of me would still be very uncomfortable with my roommates having premarital sex in the house as a whole. If I knew him in his girlfriend were getting it on the room over, I know it would be imprudent to jump in and ask them to stop. At the same time, I feel I would be guilty for just allowing such a thing to go on in my house. It would feel like a sin of scandal to me, because I am allowing something evil to occur in my house.

When it comes to the idea of sex, he follows the “my room that I pay for, my rules” standard. Interestingly, I used that standard against him when we began to discuss cohabitation. His lady friend, if she stayed overnight, would also use our bathroom, kitchen, and living room, even if she slept in his room/“property”. I pay for these rooms with everyone jointly, technically making said rooms my rented property as well. Therefore, I have grounds to not allow someone to not stay if I do not want them to.

Overall, I simply do not want it going on in my house because it makes me feel uncomfortable and I know that it is an intrinsic evil.

Now, is it too late to change the living arrangements here? Because I would not want to room with anyone who expected me to clear out of my own room when sexual situations are impending, with the only warning being a text (and the fact that these guys apparently send texts while they’re having sex, is even more disturbing, but maybe that’s a Millenial thing that I don’t understand as a old Gen X fuddy-duddy.)

Perhaps I will, but I am not sure yet. It would likely cause some drama if I were to back out. But perhaps it is best for my moral formation and my consience. Maybe I should just straight up ask if they could respect my ground rules and if not, leave them to themselves to do whatever they want while I live alone or with someone else.

 

[1ke]

Overall, I simply do not want it going on in my house because it makes me feel uncomfortable and I know that it is an intrinsic evil.

If your roommates cannot abide with the house rules of no sex or overnight guests of the opposite sex, and you can’t abide with whatever rules they come up with, then it is time to find different roommates or live alone.

 

[Regular_Atheist]

I mean I’m certainly not Catholic or Christian at all, and I would definitely be uncomfortable with my friends expecting to be able to have sex in the room that I sleep in. Though they should respect your religious beliefs, maybe push towards this line of reasoning too. I’m surprised they don’t feel the same way.

 

[Allegra]

I think that as long as you have made it clear your stance on the subject, and it sounds as if you have, you would not be morally responsible for what other people do in their own room. That being said, I highly recommend a discussion about the expectations of guests spending the night before moving in with these guys. I know of many a girlfriend or boyfriend that started out spending the night occasionally and insinuated themselves as full-time, non-rent-paying nuisance. Is it your friends’ expectation that if one housemate gets a girlfriend, she will be moving in for increased accessibility? I would definitely clarify that point.

 

[Bradski]

Maybe you should tell them not to masturbate in their rooms as well.

 

[WilliamE]

Maybe you should tell them not to masturbate in their rooms as well.

Coffee…all over my keyboard.

 

[kozlosap]

Maybe you should tell them not to masturbate in their rooms as well.

Bradski - Best one all morning!!!

(To the OP):You are obsessed with “others” behavior, which will not turn out well in most cases whether it’s office mates or roommates. What your roommates do in their own bedrooms is their business. For the life of me I cannot fathom why you would want to live with other young guys when it seems like you would be much better off in a single dorm room. Always remember that most college students will agree with your dorm mates which doesn’t make it right, but it should be a factor in how you deal with your peers.

 

[jesusalright4me]

Bradski - Best one all morning!!!

(To the OP):You are obsessed with “others” behavior, which will not turn out well in most cases whether it’s office mates or roommates. What your roommates do in their own bedrooms is their business. For the life of me I cannot fathom why you would want to live with other young guys when it seems like you would be much better off in a single dorm room. Always remember that most college students will agree with your dorm mates which doesn’t make it right, but it should be a factor in how you deal with your peers.

I wouldn’t say I am obsessed. Think about it, for me as a Catholic, this is a sin, an evil. A mortal sin just like murder, rape, etc. A morally wrong action going on in the premises of an apartment that I own with them. If there were abortions going on in their room, I would certainly have a talk with my roommates. If there were ouji boards being used in their rooms, I would too. It is their turf, true enough, but it does put me as a faithful Catholic in a bit of a dilemma.

That said, I have spoken to them. We have began compromising, and giving and taking, which is a good thing. It sounds like they are going to avoid it when there is anyone else in the house, which puts me so much more at ease, as that would just be plain awkward with thin walls. Mostly, I am just praying for them at this point.

Thanks for the (name removed by moderator)ut everyone!

 

[Bradski]

I wouldn’t say I am obsessed. Think about it, for me as a Catholic, this is a sin, an evil. A mortal sin just like murder, rape, etc. A morally wrong action going on in the premises of an apartment that I own with them.

The fact that you can equate two people having consensual sex with rape and murder is something of a concern.

‘Hey guys…if you are going to rape and dismember women in your bedroom, I’d prefer it if you did it when I wasn’t there. I mean, thin walls! Have some decency why doncha’.