Rosie's Rocky Road to the Altar!

[Rose71]

That’s Mrs. Rose71 to you guys now!!!

I am posting firstly to say a big THANKYOU to all my CAF friends who have given me advice and prayers over the past few years and also in the hope that my story gives some hope to those who feel their cases are hopeless!

A few days ago, at the grand old age of 42, I was married to a kind, compassionate and loving (not to mention lovely!) man in the Catholic Church. The day before, we went to Confession together although I am pleased to report that with the help of God and your prayers, we (just about) managed to avoid sexual intercourse until the wedding night (and yes, it WAS worth the wait)

I wanted to share my story with you, because the lessons I have learnt along my journey aren’t the ones I expected to learn. In fact, there aren’t even lessons I thought I needed to learn!

I began to see how I was carrying rather a lot of baggage and my path to marriage has forced me to tackle it head on and finally kick it into touch. In fact, if you can picture me dragging it behind me on a big bungee rope and then stopping to rest, having found Mr. Right…and then the baggage boinging right into me, knockking me flat and spilling out all around me. That’s how I felt when I got engaged - emotionally floored!

Baggage 1 - Despair! I think we can all relate to this one if we’ve been single for many years. I had grown so used to feeling nobody wanted me, that it had become almost like an excuse not to try! Sometimes, accepting God’s love can be frightening though! If God really had made me in His own likeness, it meant I was actually okay and not fundamentally flawed! That meant there were other things I had to fix…

Baggage 2 - I am a Gambling Addict! I had become addicted to the thrill of seeking out unavailable men. I justified myself by cultivating that cosy, martyred feeling that comes from being the one who ‘understands’ the man who takes drugs / drinks / gets ‘used’ by all those shallow women (for which read - a man with no self control, who choses to sleep around!) The ‘high’ of getting a call or an email from those men was like a rush of pure ardrenaline! I had succeeded where other women had failed…

Baggage 3 - I was Proud! Oh yes! I was Rose - Special Friend of the Serial Monogamists! I am still thankful I never met Simon Cowell I was also proud of my single status.I saw married women as feeble creatures who ‘must’ have married for some wierd, outdated craving for security. Pride was the hardest demon to kick out! Pride made me examine my motives for falling in love with Mr. Right to an obsessive degree. Pride told me that because he was constantly reliable and loving and therefore never gave me the highs and lows I previously thought of as ‘love’ that I ought to walk away! All those things I’d said and thought about married women came back to bite me on the behind! Was I weak? Was I really, truly 100% certain we should be together?..

Baggage 4 - I still had a childish relationship with God! Who was it recommended ‘The Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything’ on here?When I first read it, I wanted to find you and whack you over the head with it! Then I looked again and realised I’d ignored Rule 1: Don’t try to make a decision when you are freaking out! By this time, I was utterly freaking out because here I was, trying to make the biggest decision of my life and there was that big, scary bloke with the beard up in the sky…and what if I let him down? Don’t holy people work in leper colonies and stuff like that? How could I glorify God through marrying a perfectly good and kind man? I even got as far as Googling a couple of convents! I’m glad I did, because the wise words of one nun (well done that nun!) sprang out at me. She said that vocations to religious life were always within a person because that was how God made them and people who were contemplating that sort of life to escape from the world would end up miserable…but also drag the rest of the community down with them. Slowly, I began to see that when I was with my fianceeI was relaxed and happy and that gave me a basis to spread my happiness with others. I began to look at the gifts God had given to me and I started to see that it was through these that I encountered people in my life that I have been able to help and bring joy to. As a single person, I suddenly realised to my shame, I wasn’t actually especially nice much of the time! Deep down, I craved a partner in life and once I’d let go of the pride and the despair, I began to see that being married was a good thing and a perfectly acceptable path towards God. God wasn’t relegating me to the Special Needs group and saying, “Rose, you need a support worker to get you to Heaven!” He was leading me towards a person who brings out the best in me.

But, I still had one last hurdle to overcome! What I eventually realised was that to truly love another person, you have to learn to love yourself and to love yourself, you have to fully acknowledge that you are a creation of God. This means that you are made in His likeness and you are made with the capacity to love unconditionally and to be loved.

This was the most humbling lesson for me and the moment when I literally burst into tears of joy and relief! All the teachings of the Church on marriage clicked into place. In my husband’s love for me, I am witness to God’s love for His church. I get it now

 

[tawny]

Praise The Lord & God bless you. I’ll be praying for you & your family.

 

[bsf]

Congratulations on your marriage. I am happy you were, by the grace of God, able to set down that baggage you were carrying.

Being middle-aged; never married; and not really understanding myself, I read your post with considerable interest. I do not understand a few things you wrote, probably due to my low emotional IQ. Could you elaborate on a couple of these?

….Pride made me examine my motives for falling in love with Mr. Right to an obsessive degree. Pride told me that because he was constantly reliable and loving and therefore never gave me the highs and lows I previously thought of as ‘love’ that I ought to walk away…

This just does not click with me. Could you explain a little?

….Slowly, I began to see that when I was with my fiancée I was relaxed and happy and that gave me a basis to spread my happiness with others….

During your “adult” years, do you think you were substantially less “happy” when not in a “relationship” with a man? I have heard it said that seeking happiness through another is folly. Can you comment a bit on this?

Also, can you elaborate on how your interaction with others when not with your fiancée differed from how you interact with others now, specifically in terms of “loving your neighbor as yourself”?

I know these are a bit personal, and I will not be offended if you decide not to reply. I am happy for your growth, and wish you and your husband a holy marriage that continues to bring both of you closer to union with God.

 

[Rose71]

It probably lost a bit in the editing: I found I’d written far too much and had to chop a lot out! I’ll try to expand on the points you raised a little. Please just bear in mind that this is only an account of my path to marriage!

Originally Posted by Rose71
….Pride made me examine my motives for falling in love with Mr. Right to an obsessive degree. Pride told me that because he was constantly reliable and loving and therefore never gave me the highs and lows I previously thought of as ‘love’ that I ought to walk away…

I think the media (in the UK at any rate) can paint a very negative and damming picture of single women over 30: the stereotype of a career-minded, selfish individual who is depserate on one had but too fussy to accept any man on the other and ends up alone with expensive scented candles and a cat used to really get me down (not least because I’ve never been a cat person!)

I suppose (going back to the despair bit) I had begun to feel that no matter what I did, or how much I got out there and made the best of being single and kept cheerful and optimistic, others were going to view me with a mixture of suspicion (if they had husbands) and pity.

This lead me to create my own steroetypical image of the ‘smug married’ in my head, which was very wrong of me and very counterproductive. I looked at lots of married women and thought quite unChristian throught, along the lines of, “she’d never have that lifestyle if she’d married him; they’d lived together 5 years - why make such a huge fuss about a church wedding; women who have never had to support themselves don’t know they are born!”

This sort of morphed into me wearing my single status with a bit too much pride! Deep down, I was still hoping and praying that I could find a man to love and who would love me. I really did aspire to the task of a good, supportive wife. However, just to prove to myself and others that I wasn’t desperate, or a potential husband-snatcher, I made sure I was always smiling and busy and showing the world how cool it was to be single and independent.

Of course, when DH appeared on the horizon and I had no reason to turn my nose up at him (I loved him, he loved me, he had no red-flags) this threw me into a bit of a panic! Firstly, I questioned if I was really in ‘love’ with him because I didn’t have all the extreme highs and lows associated with falling for a complete liability! Secondly, I felt obliged to really be hard on myself and make totally sure I wasn’t just ‘settling’ for emotional security and another income stream and an extra pair of hands. Accepting that I did really want and need someone in my life and to take down the barriers and give it a go and ditch my pride in my single status was a pretty huge step for me!

Originally Posted by Rose71
….Slowly, I began to see that when I was with my fiancée I was relaxed and happy and that gave me a basis to spread my happiness with others….

I had never been in a long-term relationship with a man before I met by DH. I’d had ‘flings’ at college, although I never had sex because it went against my beliefs. I had also had some very intense friendships, mixed in if I am honest with a bit of unrequited lust!

What I was getting at in the quote you’ve pulled out is that I was almost afraid to admit to needing anyone in my life, in case it all went horribly wrong! Deep down, I always was drawn to married life but I was afraid to say so, in case people laughed at me or mocked me, because I just never seemed to meet anyone, despite being reasonably attractive and intelligent and having a good circle of friends and a lot of interests.

I’ve never found making friends difficult, or mixing and working in a team. I just didn’t meet men who shared my beliefs and the older I got, the less I wanted to compromise what I believed in just to settle down with a man. Looking back, I played the part of the happy, confident, capable single woman just too well!

I would do anything in life - except put my heart on the line!

To my friends and family, the way I interact with them hasn’t changed since I married (or got engaged) I have found myself feeling much more tolerant and kindly towards people who in the past I might have taken an almost immediate dislike to, because in my eyes, they appeared to be suspicious of or antagonistic towards my single status.

I have also become more confident at taking risks and just remembering to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and assume they are actually nice people. If they turn out not to be, it’s not a big deal, because I have that security now to return to every night! (yes - the very thing that I used to scorn) Knowing I am loved and accepted and have someone to lean on means that if that shop assistant is rude to me; or that man in the garage is patronising; or the colleague at work is hard to get along with it is not longer such a huge issue. One of the most soul destroying things about being alone in later life is that some days, that rude assistant or pushy colleague might be the only person you speak to in a day. That can make it hard to get persepctive! It also means you treasure you real friends and I hope I continue to do that.

I hope that sheds a bit of light on my previous ramblings for you. It’s really hard to put into words!

 

[bsf]

I think I have greater understanding now. Thank you. I will pray for your family.

 

[Caroline723]

Your story gives me hope. At 37 I am intermittently in despair that I wasted so much time with guys with serious issues. I never saw the pattern until this last one, who teeters on the edge of sociopathy. It is frustrating because, literally, every guy I’ve dated I met at church. Not intentionally; it just happened. I always thought that it meant we started from a place of sharing the same values, and dating would be to discern chemistry and personality compatibility. I look back now and see that I dated the same exact person over and over again, and they were all men with sad stories and commitment issues. But I worry that it is too late. I am glad you got your happy ending - make that happy beginning! I wish you a life of happiness together.

 

[Rose71]

Thanks, Caroline.

The biggest issue for me was actually believeing and accepting that it was okay to feel safe and secure in a relationship. I know that sounds mad, but I was so accustomed to that pattern of extreme hights and lows when I did find someone I was attracted to…plus the feeling of being constantly in ‘survival’ mode because I had a demanding job and a mortgage to pay, that when I did find my Mr. Right (or he found me!) I was really afraid of getting involved with such a lovely person in case it all went wrong.

Something really useful somebody posted on here when I was having a wobble was a question I found really impertiment and rude initially. They asked if I was actually afraid of ‘growing up’ and becoming an adult! Initially, I fumed I thought. “typical smug, married person having a pop at us singles! What’s ‘not grown up’ about forging a successful career, paying all yoru own bills and spending so much time helping other family members and friends?”

They did, however, have a point…maybe not in the way they intended (I don’t know)

If I could p(name removed by moderator)oint one thing in the past couple of years that has brought me acute distress it is seeing my parents grow old. I know its a natural process and really, it just means they are getting nearer to Heaven, but they have always been a source of strength and inspiration to me and if I’m honest - occasioanlly overbearing (but well meaning)

Watching their minds go a little and their strength go a lot reminds me that one day soon, I will be the carer in the relationship. I felt a mixture of shame, that I haven’t been able to provide them with grandchildren while they had the stamina and mobility to really get involved and enjoy them and also fear - how would I survive without them? Suddenly, I desperately wanted to revert right back to ‘child’ mode and have my mother tell me either I could or couldn’t make my relationship with DH work! I wanted that feeling of assurance and ‘mother will make it all okay’ that I’ll never have again. So it was true in a way: a part of me was overwhelmed and afraid of joining the adult world, because I was afraid to risk failure and afraid to nail my colours to the mast and say, “This is me! I have an amazing and wonderful fiance and we WILL get married!”

By far the hardest thing was just taking a risk (not least because it involved the feelings of another person - and he’s a person I love) and grasping that chance of happiness because my whole adult life, I’d been conditioned to somehow doubt myself and my judgement.

In a way, single adults are infantacised by society. when marrying at 20-25 was the ‘norm’ it was also the norm to just grow up and get on with life. Now, there is no real need to do that. We can travel; switch jobs; have casual relationships…I also think it’s doubly hard for singel adults with any sort of moral code (be they Catholics, Jews, Muslim or whatever) to carve out a happy adult life against this background. On one hand, we cmay crave marriage, but on the other, forging a long term, healthy relationship can seem impossible when there is such a limited choice of partners who share our beliefs and ideals.

 

[DaisyNJesus]

Dear Rose

Maybe this thread is no longer active. Well, I try anyway.
So please tell, where did you meet this good man? Not in Church?

I am also growing into an old spinster, and I just loved your story of success It gives me hope.

hopeful Daisy

 

[Luvz2travel]

Congrats. Baggage comes with us all it’s getting past it that can be the real burden. Best of luck in your new life.