Rude Protestant Neighbor

[MacQ]

Woah neddy!

This is WAY over the top…

I know you all probably live in a police state but no one has been murdered or sexually assaulted. The OP needs to pray and act sensibly, speak directly, and then get back up if need be. Why all this get the cops stuff already. Hey, why not call a cop documentary and get them to follow these guys to their work place and interview them! Hey, call CNN, whack it up on there too! Call the FBI! Arrest him for being an aggressive and ignorant Protestant - that will be great for evangelisation! WOW! I love this forum! Not joking. It gets more and more like Judge Judy!

Truly. Some people watch too much TV or something.
I think cops would laugh at someone if they called in a complaint about a neighbor being boorishly rude.

 

[IrishAm]

I would treat it as I would any other beyond-the-pale rude statement. A stony silence, a hard look, and a very cold “I beg your pardon?” Then walk away. I mean, really, who says this kind of thing and thinks it deserves an actual response?

 

[MacQ]

The guy said to her: “So, have you become a Nun yet? Oh wait that would require you to have sex with the Priests.” Don’tcha find that just a tad bit weird thing to say to somebody, especially a woman? I mean, where I come from, saying that to a woman would mean, at the very least, a couple of loose teeth. That’s what makes me think the guy might have loose screw.
Hell, our neighbor lady is pregnant and I haven’t even asked her when the baby’s due (taking Bill Cosby’s advice about pregnant women).
No, this guy needs to be avoided and watched. If he keeps it up, get a witness and notify the authorities.

I never said it wasn’t weird, crass, boorish and rude.
On the other hand, the OP has apparently shared the fact that she’s celibate with these people…which seems to be pretty intimate information to share with anyone, but in this case with the wrong people. What’s that about?

We also don’t know how OP has handled the remarks so far…has she acted like they were funny in order to be friendly and good natured? If so, she’s encouraging it and the guy might just think she thinks it’s funny too. So now she needs to fess up and be honest.
(Happens all the time…someone seems to be going along with “humor” then files a big lawsuit without ever giving the perpetrator a hint that they were uncomfortable.)

People have leapt to all sorts of assumptions here, not knowing the full story, and gone way beyond the pale in suggesting things that would be really stupid to do.

My point was simply this: instead of freaking out and calling in the national guard, how about just tell them you’re hurt by those kind of remarks, and if that doesn’t stop it (and elicit an apology), then just ignore them.

 

[MacQ]

We’re Catholics aren’t we?

What is the charitable, Christian thing to do when faced with obnoxious people?

I don’t think it’s to return the rudeness in kind, unless turning the other cheek is considered rude.

Escalating this into confrontation is only likely to generate more stress, conflict and discomfort and it may even make being his neighbour unlivable causing great expense in having to move.

Not saying this should be put up with, only that we should try to approach the solution to this problem as Christians. There’s enough strife and conflict in the world.

When people make me uncomfortable I just go out of my way to avoid them. I’ll only interact with them if strictly necessary. For someone I must work with, it means keeping relations strictly professional and cordial, even if the other person isn’t so cordial. For a neighbour, it may mean limiting it to things like pointing out his house is on fire…

And meanwhile, we pray for them! Some people thrive on conflict. Don’t play their game!

 

[schaeffer]

The guy said to her: “So, have you become a Nun yet? Oh wait that would require you to have sex with the Priests.” Don’tcha find that just a tad bit weird thing to say to somebody, especially a woman? I mean, where I come from, saying that to a woman would mean, at the very least, a couple of loose teeth. That’s what makes me think the guy might have loose screw.
Hell, our neighbor lady is pregnant and I haven’t even asked her when the baby’s due (taking Bill Cosby’s advice about pregnant women).
No, this guy needs to be avoided and watched. If he keeps it up, get a witness and notify the authorities.

YES! ^^^this made my hackles go up. Why/how does he know the OP is celabate? and why is he making sexual remarks?

If this has been a trend in that the remarks are tending towards the sexual as opposed to just random Catholic dogma or practices keep an extremely close eye on it and make sure a family member knows this is going on.

If that is the case, rather than confront him yourself do you have a male friend or family member who would approach him for you? That often helps to put off rude males, knowing he doesn’t have you cornered nor are you defenseless.

ear buds…when you come outside make like you are listening to your Ipod. I know this can’t work every time, but it might help reduce having to respond. Make like you are singing along to the music and really engaged in it and not even noticing it.

Alternate option, if you see your friend, bring up that some male in your life heard about the comments her husband has been making and is very angry about it.

Truly, if many of the comments are of a sexual nature, do NOT ignore that.

 

[schaeffer]

IF the comments don’t tend towards a sexual nature how about saying “Grow up.” and turning away in disgust.

 

[Isaiah45_9]

Truly. Some people watch too much TV or something.
I think cops would laugh at someone if they called in a complaint about a neighbor being boorishly rude.

I was a cop and never laughed at this, and I know most cops who take their job seriously wouldn’t laugh at it either. It’s called a proactive approach and it actually prevent things from escalating.

Big difference between real life and tv… I guess it doesn’t matter that you are not the one who has been suffering this for years.

 

[JustaServant]

I was a cop and never laughed at this, and I know most cops who take their job seriously wouldn’t laugh at it either. It’s called a proactive approach and it actually prevent things from escalating.

Big difference between real life and tv… I guess it doesn’t matter that you are not the one who has been suffering this for years.

Glad you chimed in about this.
Preventing it from escalating is paramount. If she is ignoring him and the abuse continues, she might be living next door to a time bomb.
Neighbors need to keep an eye out for the oddballs.
Remember what happened in Cleveland over a year ago.

 

[JustaServant]

Maybe you could find their preacher and talk to him if nothing else works and you can Mat18 them.

That could open a whole different can of worms, THAT could be seen as stalking and harassment. A lawyer would have a field day with that.
Besides, generally speaking, talking to the preacher does nothing. We have a local fundie church that sends teen-age girls out “soul winning”, AT NIGHT in neighborhoods teen girls should not be in. Someone called the preacher of the church, went in one ear and out the other.

 

[friardchips]

I was a cop and never laughed at this, and I know most cops who take their job seriously wouldn’t laugh at it either. It’s called a proactive approach and it actually prevent things from escalating.

Big difference between real life and tv… I guess it doesn’t matter that you are not the one who has been suffering this for years.

Your approach to this thread has been childish and it doesn’t show an actual understanding of the entire situation. Not to mention lack of thorough reading.

YOUR ADVICE IS VERY BAD, NON-CATHOLIC AND ACCUSATIONAL!

How about you stop suggesting that the only person to have suffered is you? These are arrogant words.

You have shown little or no attention to Gospel understanding.

If I wish to watch TV that is my business.

If I choose to see humour in people’s posts that is my business.

You are not Isaiah! You are a policeman. Big difference. And going by your posts prove that you are from it.

 

[JustaServant]

On the other hand, the OP has apparently shared the fact that she’s celibate with these people…which seems to be pretty intimate information to share with anyone, but in this case with the wrong people. What’s that about?

Sexual harassment is about the person doing the harassing, not the victim. Nobody deserves to be harassed, ever.

 

[friardchips]

I was a cop and never laughed at this, and I know most cops who take their job seriously wouldn’t laugh at it either. It’s called a proactive approach and it actually prevent things from escalating.

It is okay to disagree and I second what I said before.

This is a rude personal insult from you.

Your approach to this thread has been childish and it doesn’t show an actual understanding of the entire situation.

This is a rude personal insult from you.

Not to mention lack of thorough reading

This is a rude personal insult from you.

My opinions have been Roman Catholic based, talking about prayer and gaining help, nothing more.

[/QUOTE]

 

[OraLabora]

IF the comments don’t tend towards a sexual nature how about saying “Grow up.” and turning away in disgust.

It’s like responding to spam… even if you tell them to bugger off. They now know you have a live e-mail address.

And the bully will now knows he has his victim if you indicate you’re offended, because he managed to yank your chain.

Simply avoid all discourse with the neighbour. Avoid him. If he says “hello” they say “hello” back. If he tries to strike up a conversation simply say “sorry, I’m in a hurry” or “sorry, I have something boiling on the stove, can’t chat right now” or something like that. Do the same with his wife.

Eventually they may clue in. Or not. Maybe the wife will illuminate first and wonder why her “friend” no longer talks to her, and tell her husband he’s a big juvenile jerk.

But the point is, only YOU can decide to be a victim or not. My dad always taught me that the best response to a bully was no response. Bullying someone who doesn’t respond is no fun for the bully. He’ll move on to someone else.

 

[exnihilo]

His remarks are, but not limited to: “So, have you become a Nun yet? Oh wait that would require you to have sex with the Priests.” I find this pretty rude and to even entertain the thought quite disgusting actually and a direct smear on our Sisters and Priests.

Sometimes people say things that could be said with ill will or could just be poorly phrased statements. In such cases I find it good to ask a question like ‘what do you mean by that?’. It allows the person to know you are troubled by what they said. They then have the choice to correct themselves and make sure you know no offense was meant or allows them to make clear they did intend to offend. But in this case I think there is no question the person intends offense or is just plain crass. Either way I’d see this is a situation where the person either needs to stop saying such things or you need to avoid them.

If you happen to be in conversation with them again and they make such a statement I would recommend just being direct and saying you find that offensive and you’d appreciate it if they refrained from making such comments. Very often after a direct confrontation the other party is apologetic. In at least one case I responded to an apology with “I don’t care, just don’t do it again”, because I wanted to make clear they needed to stop and I was vey serious about it. Given the nature of the comments that may be the best thing in this case. But you have to judge for yourself.

Being direct is difficult but usually the best way to handle things. If they persist after being told I’d avoid the person completely. I strongly disagree with the recommendations of others to get the police involved. There is no merit in that and it would only risk escalation.

 

[MacQ]

I was a cop and never laughed at this, and I know most cops who take their job seriously wouldn’t laugh at it either. It’s called a proactive approach and it actually prevent things from escalating.

Big difference between real life and tv… I guess it doesn’t matter that you are not the one who has been suffering this for years.

Yes, that remark of mine was too cavalier. I do think the police would treat her complaint with seriousness.
I just think she ought to let the guy know she doesn’t think it’s funny first.
He may think she does. For all we know, he may be mortified that he has hurt her feelings.
I’d just give him the opportunity to change and apologize or try avoiding him before I called in the law.

 

[MacQ]

Sometimes people say things that could be said with ill will or could just be poorly phrased statements. In such cases I find it good to ask a question like ‘what do you mean by that?’. It allows the person to know you are troubled by what they said. They then have the choice to correct themselves and make sure you know no offense was meant or allows them to make clear they did intend to offend. But in this case I think there is no question the person intends offense or is just plain crass. Either way I’d see this is a situation where the person either needs to stop saying such things or you need to avoid them.

If you happen to be in conversation with them again and they make such a statement I would recommend just being direct and saying you find that offensive and you’d appreciate it if they refrained from making such comments. Very often after a direct confrontation the other party is apologetic. In at least one case I responded to an apology with “I don’t care, just don’t do it again”, because I wanted to make clear they needed to stop and I was vey serious about it. Given the nature of the comments that may be the best thing in this case. But you have to judge for yourself.

Being direct is difficult but usually the best way to handle things. If they persist after being told I’d avoid the person completely. I strongly disagree with the recommendations of others to get the police involved. There is no merit in that and it would only risk escalation.

 

[MacQ]

Sexual harassment is about the person doing the harassing, not the victim. Nobody deserves to be harassed, ever.

I never even hinted that harassment was ok.
However, if you’ve been around awhile you’ll find that many people who wind up finding themselves “victims” of harassment, initially played along (sometimes to try to be nice and likeable). I have seen cases of sexual harassment where the ‘victim’ actually initiated with overtly flirtatious behavior (in one case, filed a suit when they guy started more attentiveness toward another person. Scorned, you might say.
Not saying that’s the case here…just saying that in most of the cases, the “victim” never told the “harasser” straight on that it wasn’t ok.
My the point is, there are TWO sides to any relationship, including the harasser and the harassed. Her side should be to level with the guy.

And it may be a side issue in this case, but I do wonder a bit why the neighbor knows about her sex life.
But people are “sharing” all sorts of info with their casual acquaintances these days that I would consider intimate.

If someone is hurting you r feelings, the first remedy is to let them know it and give them the chance to change it. Not to call in a swat team.

 

[CorrectiveAngle]

Yes, that remark of mine was too cavalier. I do think the police would treat her complaint with seriousness.
I just think she ought to let the guy know she doesn’t think it’s funny first.
He may think she does. For all we know, he may be mortified that he has hurt her feelings.
I’d just give him the opportunity to change and apologize or try avoiding him before I called in the law.

Hi!. I agree with this. I have just joined this forum and I believe it is awful advice for anyone to dive into calling the police immediately over a provocative remark.

Having just arrived at this site; this is not Christian advice. The first thing should definitely be to ignore or say “Please don’t speak to me this way or I will contact the police”, if worried.and not wanting reconciliation. To dive into calling the police so soon is frankly dreadful advice from a couple of earlier posters.

Thank you.

 

[horselvr]

I have been away from the board and had no idea so many had responded. Maybe this is why that thread was closed??? At any rate I would like to thank those that did respond as you gave me quite a bit to think about in dealing with my friends new husband of three years.

I have been friends with her for 15yrs. This is a very small town and everyone knows what goes on and where. Since she and I have been friends for 15 yrs we have shared certain aspects of our lives with each other.

However MacQ: one does not need to share information pertaining to ones personal life for everyone to know if you date or not or if you are celibate or not. This is a small community so people notice if one dates or not or if one has men staying over or not. It is not like I drive into town to tell people I am celibate but I cannot do much if people surmise.

Also MacQ: I never gave any indication that his remarks are in any way funny or acceptable, quite the opposite. Actually YOU were the only person leaping to assumptions on that thread.

Schaffer: Even though I am an older single woman, I am actually far from being a defenseless woman. However, telling this person to grow up and turning away does not work. Ignoring him does not work. Avoiding them does not work because while I NEVER go to their house they do stop at mine. I am generally outside gardening, riding or mowing so it is easy to see if I am home especially since my farm is all road frontage. While this is rural living and thank God I don’t live in a sub division with this guy, we come into contact several times per week as they own the cab company in town and I unfortunately bump into them quite often. I no longer make myself available for conversation as I do not wish to hear his insults towards Catholicism or my life style.

Whoever said this:
“I dont think this is necessarily about religion. It is more likely about a man unable to personally say no to sex, maybe a slave to.it in his life, who feels threatened by a woman in charge of herself. He has to bring you down to make himself feel better about himself.”

I believe this has hit the nail on the head. He seems to be this sort, threatened by a woman able to live alone, handle her own farm, pay her own bills, self sufficient.

So, since they are difficult to avoid and ignoring them doesn’t work I believe the best course of action, when he throws out the next disgusting remark, is to just look him in the eye and ask what pleasure does he derive from belittling people? And then just wait for his answer.

I am not afraid of him—but I think he might be afraid of me—the type of woman I am. Certainly not one that needs any (name removed by moderator)ut from him.

Thanks to all that took the time to give such great advice. Certainly gave me some options.