S/O of ABC thread - Sharing Information

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I don’t want to take that thread further afield than it already is, but one thing struck me when posters said that they were criticized for using ABC or NFP. Some posters even said that people questioned them about their family planning methods.

Who does this? I have no idea what methods, if any, my friends and relatives use. There are women with whom I have been close friends for 40 years and cousins to whom I am as close as a sister. I wouldn’t share my thoughts on my family planning with them or anyone besides my DH.

As for an acquaintance asking about this or even speculating, the reply would certainly not be something they’d want to hear.

Is this something that people do and is my experience outside the norm?
 
IME, I can’t get away from people telling me about their ABC use. It’s problematic because people see no problem with telling me these things right in front of my kids which is an influence I’d rather them not be exposed to.

I have run a local play group for the 7 or so years and it’s a frequent topic of discussion. I’ve also been involved in breastfeeding support for more than a decade and birth control is a constant theme of discussion for the postpartum period. There are very few people I have known on an acquaintance or friendship level that haven’t shared with me their contraception or family planning methods.
 
I am 27, and have had several conversations about this with people in my age group. It’s been that way since late high school - though even before then some of us would compete to see who had the worst PMS symptoms. I think we felt that it made us seem “grown up” to talk about such grown up issues.

Contraception was regularly a subject at college because the campus pro-abortion group was angry at our student health center for not providing morning-after pills (though you could walk five minutes more to the pharmacy, and the health center wasn’t open on the weekends, anyway.) So it came up sometimes in the student newspaper, which prompted discussion among us who were sexually active (I was one, unfortunately) about our chosen methods.

When I went off the Pill (I had some pretty awful side effects) I stumbled across NFP in its secular form, FAM (fertility awareness method.) FAM recommends using a barrier method during fertile times, but other than that it is similar to NFP (usually sympto-thermal.) I had a few people comment, after a while, about the weight I had lost and how much happier I seemed, and I was very happy to disclose to them the reason (these were very close friends.) I lent out my copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility to more than one person.

I think all matters sexual are discussed a LOT in my age group. In some ways I like that the topics aren’t so taboo anymore, because I was able to help a few people, but in other ways it seems like there aren’t healthy boundaries. There are certain people I can’t be around much anymore, mostly male friends of my husband, who insist on talking about their “conquests” regardless of whether or not female company is present.
 
Book_Worm said:
I don’t want to take that thread further afield than it already is, but one thing struck me when posters said that they were criticized for using ABC or NFP. Some posters even said that people questioned them about their family planning methods.

Who does this?
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LOL People who are bored and who are busy-bodies and evidently can’t keep their mind on their own areas to work on 😛
Book_Worm said:
I have no idea what methods, if any, my friends and relatives use. There are women with whom I have been close friends for 40 years and cousins to whom I am as close as a sister. I wouldn’t share my thoughts on my family planning with them or anyone besides my DH.

As for an acquaintance asking about this or even speculating, the reply would certainly not be something they’d want to hear.

Is this something that people do and is my experience outside the norm?
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No, this isn’t something people generally do. They do it a lot on these forums though. Sometimes it’s invited, as when someone asks a question or asks for advice or opinions. Other times the post degrades to people in other peoples’ business when it starts out with a general question for information. I’ve only been asked about ABCs in real life a few times, and that’s because I’m a nurse, so they were coming for information that they think I should have as a professional. Now, I’m glad to share my opinions with anyone, but I’m not likely to strike up a conversation about it especially when not specifically asked :eek:
 
In my experience, people have very little filter when it comes to discussing family size and family planning. I have been asked several times by **strangers **whether I used fertility treatments since I have twins. This is apparently an acceptable question to ask a perfect stranger these days. Better yet, go check out the mommy forums out there. Search for stupid questions for large families, multiples, or even only-child families. It’s amazing the questions that people will ask these days.
 
Book_Worm said:
I don’t want to take that thread further afield than it already is, but one thing struck me when posters said that they were criticized for using ABC or NFP. Some posters even said that people questioned them about their family planning methods.

Who does this? I have no idea what methods, if any, my friends and relatives use. There are women with whom I have been close friends for 40 years and cousins to whom I am as close as a sister. I wouldn’t share my thoughts on my family planning with them or anyone besides my DH.

As for an acquaintance asking about this or even speculating, the reply would certainly not be something they’d want to hear.

Is this something that people do and is my experience outside the norm?
Click to expand...
I’m with you, I don’t really get it either. I have no idea what people I know do, nor do I want to know. I’d never ask and I’d expect no one else would ask me, either.

It always seems weird to me, even on this site, when someone says a family member doesn’t “agree” with their NFP use. I don’t get why it’s a topic of discussion at all. Why do your family members know anything about family planning between you and your spouse? I think people share too much information, but then again I’m a pretty private person in real life. 🤷
 
Yes, I’ve gotten questions.

First, we were told that we shouldn’t inquire into what goes on in the bedroom. Now with the HHS Mandate, it’s high time we realize that the topic is being brought to us. Either we speak up and evangelize, or we don’t. This is a golden opportunity for young people. Frankly, we can’t afford to be silent anymore. This doesn’t mean being obnoxious, but seeing other people’s questions as opportunities to share Christ and His Church. I’m tired of knowing what ABC has done to men and women in my generation, and the silence that promotes it. Discretion is always in order, but the culture aggressively continues to evangelize; yet, we are the salt of the earth and the light of the world and now is the acceptable time.
 
When my kids were young (playgroup and primary school) my group of mother friends was so tight we shared pretty much everything. In all those years I was the only one who was contraceptive free so I don’t think anyone could call me a ‘brigade’ or ‘movement’. Anyway, I never felt the need to ‘promote’ it as better, because frankly at a basic level, it would be so much easier to have consequence free sex whenever. I just said I believed unreservedly in Church teaching on everything and that’s why I chose that path. I know that doesn’t sound like a stance that is very ‘evangelising’ but in my heart and through my 51 years of striving to be faithful and obedient, I know that it is best allround not to get too caught up in my inner battle between something I really want to do when the Church adamantly holds that it is evil and dehumanising.

I don’t even look at decades long marriages and try and judge what sexual preferences they had as a barometer for what I should do. I just follow the Church through thick and thin and do what I have to do and reject what I have to reject. It’s all good fodder for meeting with the Lord at Calvary!

On the other hand, in theological discussions, I enjoy finding and promoting the reasonings of the Church in presenting an alternative argument to others whose rejection is ideological in nature.
 
In the parish I belonged to for over 20 years there was what I consider to be an “NFP brigade” I define brigade as a group of individuals organized for a specific purpose who are very militant in their efforts.

This particular group or movement within the parish would seek to know who used ABC or NFP. It was a very orthodox and vibrant parish so NFP tended to be the norm. I had an individual tell me about a close friend of hers that had her tubes tied (also a member of the parish). I was horrified that someone would share something so personal about a “friend.” Small groups led to further zeroing in to see who dissented. Bringing up the topic in way they could get information. Putting couples who only had one child in a place where they felt like they always had to say, “we are open to life” to assure others they were not dissenting. Some were dealing with fertility issues. It was cult like in many ways. The irony is that the largest family in the parish with more than a dozen kids used ABC. I see tendencies towards this online in Catholic forums. Most people talked about birth control opening but only if they used NFP. It became a badge of honor and a way of being included and not excluded.
 
PS At one point when it became really obnoxious my husband and I started calling them the “NFP police” I left the parish a few years ago but I am still policed when I run into certain individuals.
 
Book_Worm said:
I don’t want to take that thread further afield than it already is, but one thing struck me when posters said that they were criticized for using ABC or NFP. Some posters even said that people questioned them about their family planning methods.

Who does this? I have no idea what methods, if any, my friends and relatives use. There are women with whom I have been close friends for 40 years and cousins to whom I am as close as a sister. I wouldn’t share my thoughts on my family planning with them or anyone besides my DH.

As for an acquaintance asking about this or even speculating, the reply would certainly not be something they’d want to hear.

Is this something that people do and is my experience outside the norm?
Click to expand...
Methinks some of us hang around people with no better use of their time than to bear tales about what goes on in the bedroom too much. I mean, the only people of whom I definitely know of their family planning methods were the ones who ran the NFP instruction programs. Me, I’ve long since given up trying to find out. Unless someone tells me they are using artificial means of birth control, I assume they’re using approved methods. Even then, I know enough cases of the Pill being used to treat actual diseases that I usually assume the best of people should I happen to find such articles in passing. There is too much to be done to be grousing about things I have no business with.
 
There are some in my family who would be offended by the suggestion that our family planning decisions are our business and not theirs. We’ve been questioned, criticized, ridiculed and gossiped about over it enough to make your head spin. We’ve been told which methods we ought to be using, that not using the pill, condoms, etc. is unhealthy, stupid and insane, and that I’m putting my wife’s life at risk if I insist on NFP. I used to have a string of arguments on hand about how NFP is healthier, better for her, etc. but now I just tell them they’re right, NFP isn’t the way to go, that it’s between us and God and we’re simply leaving it in His hands.
 
You’d be so surprised what information is given up during simple conversations. I was at work one weekend and was in my supervisor’s office with some co workers having a conversation. Some how the topic of birth control came up and what kinds the others have tried and their opinions. There were only three of us so the other two girls looked at me expectantly. I sighed and let them know that I don’t use any birth control. You could have heard a pin drop and I felt so awkward. No further questions were asked but I was scared to announce my second pregnancy because it was fairly soon after my first.

My husband seems to have zero problems telling the world we use NFP to space pregnancies. He treats NFP as the litmus test for how devote of a Catholic you are. It’s definitely one of his short falls that he needs to work on. Despite being the free advertisement for how we space pregnancies he actually wrinkled his nose and grimaced when I brought up mucus and cervix changes. He said that was gross and he didn’t want anything to do with that.
I’ve actually gotten seriously annoyed with him about this because he never took the time to learn NFP either. He just expected me to take care of everything and would come out and ask if tonight was a good night.
I would become so frustrated at times I’d tell him to look at my chart and let me know if it’s a good night or not. He got the picture and stopped asking. I hate feeling like a nag though. I highly doubt he will ever learn NFP but he is much better now then he was.

In all truth and honesty, even if I didn’t plan on converting to Catholicism, I would have stopped taking the pill or any kind of hormonal birth control because I hated the stuff.
Just like pensmama, I found out about NFP on a secular forum about FAM and bought Taking Charge of Your Fertility.
It was convenient when I found out the Church’s teaching on the matter because I already agreed with it and was already using a form of NFP before we converted.
 
Of course, discretion is all important. I’ve never run into “NFP police” though, only people who say they use it. I only talk about it with friends who I know use it, or if someone asks a question. Maybe it’s because I’m younger. I just know that too long, people have used “stay out of the bedroom” to justify ABC, and the refusal to confront this issue for fear of stepping on toes is continuing it’s wrecking-ball course. But if someone at work talks about how they’re trying to help their niece get on birth-control, then I speak up. There’s a right way and a wrong way to talk about it. But someone’s got to.
 
TCEL said:
First, we were told that we shouldn’t inquire into what goes on in the bedroom. Now with the HHS Mandate, it’s high time we realize that the topic is being brought to us. Either we speak up and evangelize, or we don’t. This is a golden opportunity for young people. Frankly, we can’t afford to be silent anymore. This doesn’t mean being obnoxious, but seeing other people’s questions as opportunities to share Christ and His Church. I’m tired of knowing what ABC has done to men and women in my generation, and the silence that promotes it. Discretion is always in order, but the culture aggressively continues to evangelize; yet, we are the salt of the earth and the light of the world and now is the acceptable time.
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I don’t see it as my job to evangelize by giving people personal details about my marriage they aren’t entitled to. I think the Church as a whole could do a better job at getting the word out by not avoiding the subject and by refining their marriage prep courses, etc. And in situations where ABC is being discussed, I don’t have a problem discussing NFP in a generic way.

But my response to anyone who asks anything about what I “use” is “My husband and I don’t discuss that with others”. That includes any and all family members, including my mother. They have no idea, and shouldn’t really even be pondering it. They should assume I am following Church teaching and leave it at that. Thankfully, as nosy as some family members were about starting a family, no one ever went there. I do not consider it some kind of obligation to speak up, if it entails giving people information that isn’t any of their business.
 
Lorelei12 said:
I don’t see it as my job to evangelize by giving people personal details about my marriage they aren’t entitled to. I think the Church as a whole could do a better job at getting the word out by not avoiding the subject and by refining their marriage prep courses, etc. And in situations where ABC is being discussed, I don’t have a problem discussing NFP in a generic way.

But my response to anyone who asks anything about what I “use” is “My husband and I don’t discuss that with others”. That includes any and all family members, including my mother. They have no idea, and shouldn’t really even be pondering it. They should assume I am following Church teaching and leave it at that. Thankfully, as nosy as some family members were about starting a family, no one ever went there. I do not consider it some kind of obligation to speak up, if it entails giving people information that isn’t any of their business.
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Yes. Discretion is important. I see it more as an opportunity with non-Catholics; at which point I focus on the health benefits. A genuine question might plant a seed. For example, a Christian asked me if our pregnancy was planned. The couple commented on how our bible study was really good at reproducing. Rude much? But, I’m not going to let that dictate my response. I just laughed and said, “Very much so. We know when I’m fertile. Plus, it’s a good time of the year for babies.” There’s always an opportunity for grace.
 
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