jeffandreen,
Are you and your girlfriend living together? Are you a Catholic? Is she?
Times are changing–and not necessarily for the better when it comes to this issue. The Church is trying to deal with this. The Church needs to present the teachings of the faith, but at the same time recognize the realities of the modern world. That doesn’t mean that the Church accepts the changing morality, but rather that the Church sometimes has to adjust the approach that is taken with individual couples. In our society, we no longer take it for granted that couples do not live together if they aren’t married. The Church never endorses or accepts it, or even ignores it, but the methods used to teach the Truths have to be modified. If couples are being told that the Church is moving toward being open to this sort of thing, then someone is presenting a false teaching. Clergy realize the reality that couples are going to live together and continue to live together regardless of how strongly the teaching of the faith is presented–anything else is simply being naive. But keep in mind that dealing with that fact is not the same thing as endorsing or ignoring it.
The Church’s teaching is clear.
it means that if a couple were living together (with all that implies in our culture, namely taking the privileges reserved for marriage) they are objectively in a state of mortal sin, and that condition must be rectified, by changing their manner of living, sacramental confession and absolution, and counselling, which is usually part of the marriage preparation program, on the sacredness of marriage and the the true meaning and purpose of the gift of sexuality. One must be in the state of grace to receive the sacrament of matrimony, so this, as well as any other gravely sinful condition or habit, must be resolved before the sacrament can take place. Only the priest, when you meet with him, can tell you personally if there is anything in your life that would be a barrier to the sacrament.
I know that sounds a bit confusing at first. Let’s try to make it more concrete. Say a couple is living together. That fact in itself does not make it impossible for them to have a sacramental marriage at some time in the future. If they seperate first (thus ending the state of sin) then they are eligible to be married in the Church. These cases have to be handled on a very personal level, and each one is different. I only use the above example to illustrate how it is possible for a cohabitating couple to get married (it’s not the only possible scenario of course).
Well, the guidlines stated above say “may encourage” the couple to separate. What you are describing sounds more like “will require” the couple to separate. Of course there are other steps in between including “will encourage” and “may require.”
Actually, that’s exactly what I’m trying to say. That’s why I was careful to say that I presented one possible scenario, and not the only one.
I think this makes a lot of sense, and is very much in keeping with what is on the USCCB website. I’m sure some priests have an easier time finding an appropriate way to balance those challenges than others, and I’m sure it’s never easy.
I’m merely trying to make clear that the cohabitation in the past does not make marriage absolutely impossible–that might be the impression that the OP has (once we live together, we can never get married). That brings us back to the beginning that the couple needs to have a sit-down with the pastor for clarification and guidance. They need to hear it from him, and not from internet posts, no matter how well-meaning. I’m concerned that our conversation here could just make it all the more confusing.
I know you asked Fr. But, yes, I also see the Church starting to enforce this more and more, as it should. some are refusing to Marry a couple if they are pregnant or have a child under 1 or 2 years old also.
The couple has to be ready and willing to accept and embrace the Sacrament of Marriage, with all that entails. A couple who get married simply for the sake of appearances, are looking for a ceremony not a sacrament. The Church has to be sure that they want the later, not the former.
While I understand that such couples deserve and should receive extra counsel prior to marriage, how is such a refusal thought to be helpful?
“You want to normalize your situation and receive the graces of the sacrament? Nooooo – You go wallow in your sins for 3 or 4 more years. We’ll call when we’re ready for you.”
That does not seem to me to be the surest way to bring souls to Christ…?
tee
Allow me to repeat myself:
Isn’t the couple’s seeking of the sacrament evidence (even a little bit?) of willingness to embrace it? How do they* know a couple is only seeking appearances and ceremony?
That I’ve actually seen more than refusing to marry a couple because they are living together without children. Although I would rather see a couple married who has a child, I also see the benefit in not marrying them right away if the child is under a certain age to be sure that they are not doing this for the wrong reasons.