Sad and Frustrated

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holyrood

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I’ve posted before about my alcoholic father and the resulting family problems there. On the unanimous advice of people here, and a counselor, and my own feelings on the issue, I stay away from a toxic situation in which I was continuing, in my 30s, to be treated as the family scapegoat.

I filed for divorce on the advice of three priests over the years (‘this is not a marriage’) in the wake of years of lies, affairs (at least one sexual, numerous emotional at the very least), disrespect, threatened physical abuse, mind games and gas lighting to the point I no longer trusted my own perceptions, XH gathering credit cards without telling me, running us deeply into debt, and finally, taking thousands of dollars from my personal account, which was the only safety net we had. I have welcomed XH into our home for every holiday, do not speak badly of him, the kids go freely between us, I’ve stayed living in walking distance from him so they can do so…etc.

I’ve worked hard to be positive for the kids, not bitter or angry at anyone, but just maintain the distance I need from bad behavior.

And this morning I find out the son who didn’t acknowledge me at all on Mother’s Day has left a glowing tribute to his wonderful, amazing father on Father’s Day, hoping he can be like him.

I’m not looking for answers. I’m not sure there are any. The kids have no idea what all has gone on in either situation. They only see that I’m (supposedly) just going crazy and tearing apart all these wonderful, happy people and relationships. They never see the other side of these people. This particular son’s attitude several years ago, on finally being told some of my father’s out and out physical abuse, was, “I’m sure you think those things happened…”

I guess I just need to tell someone I feel kind of sad about this, and I don’t want them to think badly of their father, I don’t want to harm that relationship, but I’m also so tired of being seen as the bad guy here. But I hope someday they understand that this was not just one-sided flipping out and imagining things on my part. He blew through an insane amount of money and we were so deeply in debt, we would have ended up homeless with a whole bunch of kids and nowhere we could possibly move a family that size, had I not take steps to legally separate our finances.

Please pray for my children. Please pray for my peace of mind. Mostly, I’m okay, just really sad about this.
 
The world is a lonely and small place if those who should most love you, fail in fact to do so.

Reading some of your other personal posts, you are cast as the black sheep of the family and families who do that usually keep the person locked in that position.
They judge you although they do not actually know you despite the fact that they believe they know who you are. I don’t know that there is any way to change that.
It is sad that even your own son has listened and sees you as they do.
I hope some of your children appreciate you.

If you didn’t have children you could move far away, but you do, so you are tied to the situations. I’m truly sorry.

You are trying to be a good Christian and that is right, and God knows. On this earth that is little comfort, but I hope you find some comfort in that.

I think you are keeping Jesus company
See the fourth song of the suffering servant, a prophesy of Jesus, Isaiah 53.

Who has believed what we have heard?
And to whom has the arm of the Lord been revealed?
For he grew up before him like a young plant,
and like a root out of dry ground;
he had no form or majesty that we should look at him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
He was despised and rejected by others;
a man of suffering and acquainted with infirmity;
and as one from whom others hide their faces
he was despised, and we held him of no account.

Surely he has borne our infirmities
and carried our diseases;
yet we accounted him stricken,
struck down by God, and afflicted.
But he was wounded for our transgressions,
crushed for our iniquities;
upon him was the punishment that made us whole,
and by his bruises we are healed.
All we like sheep have gone astray;
we have all turned to our own way,
and the Lord has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.

He was oppressed, and he was afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
like a lamb that is led to the slaughter,
and like a sheep that before its shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
By a perversion of justice he was taken away.
Who could have imagined his future?
For he was cut off from the land of the living,
stricken for the transgression of my people.
They made his grave with the wicked
and his tomb with the rich,
although he had done no violence,
and there was no deceit in his mouth.

Yet it was the will of the Lord to crush him with pain.
When you make his life an offering for sin,
he shall see his offspring, and shall prolong his days;
through him the will of the Lord shall prosper.
Out of his anguish he shall see light;
he shall find satisfaction through his knowledge.
The righteous one, my servant, shall make many righteous,
and he shall bear their iniquities.
Therefore I will allot him a portion with the great,
and he shall divide the spoil with the strong;
because he poured out himself to death,
and was numbered with the transgressors;
yet he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.
 
Sometimes when we take the high road it can be very lonely, so sorry you seem to have been left out after all you have done to spare your children. I will pray for your requested intentions. God grant you peace and comfort.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.
 
holyrood said:
And this morning I find out the son who didn’t acknowledge me at all on Mother’s Day has left a glowing tribute to his wonderful, amazing father on Father’s Day, hoping he can be like him.

I’m not looking for answers. I’m not sure there are any. The kids have no idea what all has gone on in either situation. They only see that I’m (supposedly) just going crazy and tearing apart all these wonderful, happy people and relationships. They never see the other side of these people. This particular son’s attitude several years ago, on finally being told some of my father’s out and out physical abuse, was, “I’m sure you think those things happened…”

I guess I just need to tell someone I feel kind of sad about this, and I don’t want them to think badly of their father, I don’t want to harm that relationship, but I’m also so tired of being seen as the bad guy here. But I hope someday they understand that this was not just one-sided flipping out and imagining things on my part. He blew through an insane amount of money and we were so deeply in debt, we would have ended up homeless with a whole bunch of kids and nowhere we could possibly move a family that size, had I not take steps to legally separate our finances.

Please pray for my children. Please pray for my peace of mind. Mostly, I’m okay, just really sad about this.
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How old is the son? If he’s getting to be a young adult, it may eventually be appropriate to mention (very briefly) the financial issues.

One thing that comes to mind is that 1) your son relies on your love, so he doesn’t feel that he needs to work for it. Perhaps the reason he made an effort for Father’s Day and not Mother’s Day is that he doesn’t have that sort of certainty that he has his father’s love. As unfair as it is, that makes dad more “interesting.” 2) Being a woman, you can’t model what being a man is supposed to look like. Perhaps that’s what your son is struggling with–the need for a role model when there isn’t a good one available. He doesn’t have much of a father, but he’s making do with what’s there. Also, Lord only knows what his dad has been telling him.

How about counseling for him (if he’s not doing it already)? And perhaps you should discuss with a counselor how much information it is appropriate to disclose to the kids. I know that less is better, but at the same time, you have to protect your own reputation.
 
I wonder if you should tell your children the truth and stop sheltering these people. They don’t deserve it.

I suspect your kids would get angry at you and not believe you. But things will probably change when they grow up a bit and see things for what they are.

I’m so sorry for your pain. I’ll pray for your intentions.
 
Holy,

I am sorry you are experiencing this. My family was in this same situation when I was in my teens. My parents divorced – my younger sister had a very hard time with it. She was “daddy’s little girl” so she blamed our mother, as we being kids were not told the reasons why our Mom divorced him (but that’s another topic). But after a couple of years, my sister stated she wanted to live with Dad. After a several months she was able to see how his true personality was, and she moved out. As is now she is very close to our Mom and has no real contact with our father (his choice also).

So remain strong and know that your kids wills realize what they have in you.

I pray that God continues to grant you strength and peace.

Winter
 
Xantippe said:
How old is the son? If he’s getting to be a young adult, it may eventually be appropriate to mention (very briefly) the financial issues.

One thing that comes to mind is that 1) your son relies on your love, so he doesn’t feel that he needs to work for it. Perhaps the reason he made an effort for Father’s Day and not Mother’s Day is that he doesn’t have that sort of certainty that he has his father’s love. As unfair as it is, that makes dad more “interesting.” 2) Being a woman, you can’t model what being a man is supposed to look like. Perhaps that’s what your son is struggling with–the need for a role model when there isn’t a good one available. He doesn’t have much of a father, but he’s making do with what’s there. Also, Lord only knows what his dad has been telling him.

How about counseling for him (if he’s not doing it already)? And perhaps you should discuss with a counselor how much information it is appropriate to disclose to the kids. I know that less is better, but at the same time, you have to protect your own reputation.
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It’s admirable that you want to protect your kids from what dad did; however, when they get mature enough, you should tell your kids about the problems that your marriage was having and why you aren’t married anymore. It is possible to be honest without being nasty towards your ex. Counselors can give some great advice about how to do this!

People don’t realize how emotional the issue of money really is. It sounds like the two of you viewed money very differently and had problems because of it. Kids, especially, don’t get it. Personally, I’d talk about how you and your ex had different values when it came to money and couldn’t find a way to overcome your problems together. That way, neither you or your ex comes off as wrong or bad.

When they start looking for a marriage partner or seriously dating someone, then I’d start talking about how destructive mental/emotional abuse can be, as well as when a spouse has an affair…

You don’t need to bring it all out at once, but you want to make sure that your kids don’t either become an abuser or a victim.

I agree with the others that you need to stop sheltering them from the truth.
 
Also, kids don’t pick up on a lot of things that are going on around them. Or they know something is up, but they don’t know how to express themselves and ask questions.

It seems weird that they wouldn’t have more of a balanced view of went on before you got divorced. I remember before my dad’s divorce, my step mom and he fought a lot. About everything. A lot of my problems ended when my step mom and step sister moved out of the house. Still, I remember what it was like living with the both of them and what the dynamic was in the house, nearly 25 years after the fact. That’s something you don’t just forget.

Just something to think about.
 
holyrood said:
I’ve posted before about my alcoholic father and the resulting family problems there. On the unanimous advice of people here, and a counselor, and my own feelings on the issue, I stay away from a toxic situation in which I was continuing, in my 30s, to be treated as the family scapegoat.

I filed for divorce on the advice of three priests over the years (‘this is not a marriage’) in the wake of years of lies, affairs (at least one sexual, numerous emotional at the very least), disrespect, threatened physical abuse, mind games and gas lighting to the point I no longer trusted my own perceptions, XH gathering credit cards without telling me, running us deeply into debt, and finally, taking thousands of dollars from my personal account, which was the only safety net we had. I have welcomed XH into our home for every holiday, do not speak badly of him, the kids go freely between us, I’ve stayed living in walking distance from him so they can do so…etc.

I’ve worked hard to be positive for the kids, not bitter or angry at anyone, but just maintain the distance I need from bad behavior.

And this morning I find out the son who didn’t acknowledge me at all on Mother’s Day has left a glowing tribute to his wonderful, amazing father on Father’s Day, hoping he can be like him.

I’m not looking for answers. I’m not sure there are any. The kids have no idea what all has gone on in either situation. They only see that I’m (supposedly) just going crazy and tearing apart all these wonderful, happy people and relationships. They never see the other side of these people. This particular son’s attitude several years ago, on finally being told some of my father’s out and out physical abuse, was, “I’m sure you think those things happened…”

I guess I just need to tell someone I feel kind of sad about this, and I don’t want them to think badly of their father, I don’t want to harm that relationship, but I’m also so tired of being seen as the bad guy here. But I hope someday they understand that this was not just one-sided flipping out and imagining things on my part. He blew through an insane amount of money and we were so deeply in debt, we would have ended up homeless with a whole bunch of kids and nowhere we could possibly move a family that size, had I not take steps to legally separate our finances.

Please pray for my children. Please pray for my peace of mind. Mostly, I’m okay, just really sad about this.
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You bet I will pray for you and your kids. The exact thing has happened to me. I have been told to perservere and to remember that nothing is ever written in stone when it comes to people; I know all that and I try so hard to stay positive. I am so tired of being raked through the mud by people who supposedly ‘love’ me and then being villified when I distance myself from the sin and the chaos.

You have a sister in Modesto…
 
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