Sad Greetings from back in the US

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Diver_Zero

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After quite a while abroad both in Mexico and Australia, I have returned home under very sad circumstances.

I posted a while back about my wife having an affair and becoming pregnant by that man, and how she wanted to raise the child as hers and mine. I decided to leave and take a diving job in Mexico and file for divorce, and contested paternity of the child. My company boss let me use 2 company lawyers, who got DNA testing orders, and showed the child is definitively (99.23%) not mine. The court held I was not liable for child support during the mandatory separation period required before the final divorce.

From that point on, I do not know the whole story, as I went to Australia for a while, and had no contact with her or her family.

What I do know now is that she suffered severe postpartum depression after the child was born and struggled with getting support from the other man. Last week she took a massive overdose of Tylenol, and is now on the verge of liver failure. I flew home after my lawyer called me on Saturday. From what the doctor had said, she will ultimately die in the next 1-3 days.

She was flown from a local hospital to a really big hospital nearby in another state immediately after she was admitted for the overdose because the small hospital wasn’t equipped to deal with it. However, I am not allowed to visit with her because of the separation, and her parents have asked the hospital to restrict me because they are her guardians.

She left a very incoherent suicide note for me, indirectly blaming me for this whole mess. Child services placed her son in care, and I think are going to allow her parents to take custody. I saw my old priest yesterday after he gave her the anointing of the sick Sacrament, and I went to just say hi, but he said “Just don’t talk to me. I told you that leaving wasn’t going to solve anything…” He was very upset and angry.

Can this really be my fault? I sought advice for my situation, and I was told by priests both in Mexico and Australia that the Church allows separation and divorce for adultery. I just could not remarry. I have to just sit and wait now. Now, I dont know what I should think or do…
 
apparently your priest gave you counsel when you originally consulted him, and by his tone you rejected his counsel, for reasons best know to yourself and none of our business. find another priest, lay out the situation, ask for guidance, confess if necessary, carry out any legal obligations you have in this matter. If this priest advises you also have moral obligations, which you evidently feel since you flew back to be with her, bear up in those obligations as well. but nobody here can help you, other than with our prayers which of course you have.

If under the guidance of the priest you conclude you have no further obligation, make a good confession and move on. I would not even offer a further comment if you did not introduce your story this way, but did the fact of the reasons for your original absence in Mexico and Australia lay the groundwork for damage in your marriage that may have contributed to her infidelity? Please do not answer this question here, I offer it as matter for meditation while you resolve your difficulties, so that this meditation may guide you in the future.
 
Not your fault.

She was the selfish not once but twice…first by having an affair and second the BIGGEST selfish act …Attempting to kill herself!

Her family should of gotten her help, her doctor should of offered help for her PPD etc.
 
Sorry for your situation. I’m sure that you feel the guilt greatly. That being said, I think you did what you felt was best in this situation at the time, sought counsel, and made a decision that was best for you.
Ponder on your actions, and if you find that you’ve caused any sort of grief based on any sort of lack of charity you may have held, I would then suggest you make a confession. Open your heart once more, and love your wife in the time that God has given you and her - this is something she desperately needs, and your charity towards her will do wonders for both you and her.

I will pray for you and your wife.

Peace.
 
First, I want to express my sympathy for you and the baby in this situation. Thank you for updating us so we can hold you, her and the baby in prayer.

Her decision is not your fault. You cannot take responsibility for what she did.
Seek out a new priest and pray for her.
May God grant you peace of mind.
 
Oh my, I sm so very sorry to hear your news. It’s about moved me to tears.

I can tell you from personal experiance that when someone is suisidal, they usually find someone to blame as part of the problem. Your wife is a grown woman and sowed a crop of self distruction. I’m not quite sure what to say because I’m sure you are falling apart. I’m a woman and can’t look at it from a man’s perspective. I will say however that I wouldn’t be surpirsed if my husband would ever do a similar thing if something like that happened in our marrage.

It sounds to me though that you wife had wanted to try and reconsile with you and you need to come to terms with that. No, you are not to blame because we all have a free will, but I would say (and I’m trying to say it charatibly) that your concious may not be totally clean. (that’s between you and God though)

I stongly reccomend you find a spiritual director and work though this. there is no sin greater than God and if you have indeed sinned (it’s not my place to say for certain that you did), there can be healing. if you have commited any sin, I would say it would be the sin of unforgivness of your wife. Jesus wants us to forgive as He forgives, so if you’re still harboring bitterness about what happened, you should try and work though that. that’s why a spiritual director is so great. you could meet with him/her once a week for a while. it’s better than counciling because it’s not psychobabble. I will think of you later in my afternoon prayers though. that is a horrible situation to be in and I’m so glad that God rescued me from the edge when I almost fell because by listening to you post, I’m seeing what could have happend to the people I love. suiside is so selfish. I’m so sorry!
 
You are only responsible for your actions. She killed herself (or tired to), not you.

I can’t remember all of your details when you first posted your problem, but her actions weren’t the most “reconciling” either.

I can’t say I feel good about the way the priest responded to you. It is totally inappropriate for him to even indirectly lay this blame on you.

While not always the best course of action, you are within your rights of the Church to pursue divorce based on her affair.

Just one side note, if she blames you, maybe it is one last desperate attempt to get your attention. I know her parents must be under a great deal of stress, but perhaps they would reconsider and let you go to her in hopes that it would give her a will to live just to hear your voice. A long shot…
 
Diver Zero,

Thank you for this update.

I am so sorry your wife felt the need to resort to this. Perhaps she was trying to get your attention. My mom tried to commit suicide to get my dad to snap out of his affair, etc. It didn’t work, and the pills she took didn’t do any permanent damage. Usually a person who attempts scuicide is looking to get someone’s attention.

It seems as if she will actually die. (regardless of wheter or not she intended to die). I will echo the sentements from above- you are not responsible for her decision to do this. She was/is suffering from depression, and made poor life choices. Suicide is never an answer.

I would agree, however, based on your previous series of posts, that if you have committed a sin, it would be the sin of unforgiveness toward your wife. You were not obligated to stay, but you are obligated to forgive her (for both the infidelity, and the lie, and now for her suicide attempt.) I would recommend that you try very hard right now to forgive her, (and if possible, ask for her forgivness for anything you might have done to her). Pray for the necessary graces.

You have made an attempt to visit her, and have been prevented. You could ask if a message could be sent to her in the hospital. It would do her good to know that you forgive her, and ask for her forgiveness. You do not need to “feel” forgiveness, you only need to “will” forgiveness.

Most importanly, pray for her, that she find spiritual healing and grace in the Lord. That she may die a happy death, and go to heaven to be with the Lord. If you are not permittted to communicate with her before her death, pray to the Lord that He make know your forgiveness to to your wife. Pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, it is very good to be prayed for the dying. I will do this for her myself.

You will also need to make your peace with her parents. You would do well to both offer and ask for forgiveness from her parents. For any real, or percevied actions on your/their parts.

After things settle down, you could make the offer to her parents to take custody of and raise the child as your own, as his biological father is not in the picture, and would probably sign over any legal rights he has. You are NOT obligated to do this, but it might be something to pray about.

I will be praying for you, her parents, and the baby as well.

God bless.
 
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Siena:
Diver Zero,

Most importanly, pray for her, that she find spiritual healing and grace in the Lord. That she may die a happy death, and go to heaven to be with the Lord. If you are not permittted to communicate with her before her death, pray to the Lord that He make know your forgiveness to to your wife. Pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy, it is very good to be prayed for the dying. I will do this for her myself.

God bless.
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What a beautiful suggestion and helpful post Siena.
 
Dear Diver Zero,

Being 20 y/o I have no way of really being consolling or offering any andive. I can Just say that my heart goes out with you and that you have my most scincere prayers. My God comfort you and keep you and the name of the father, son and Holy spirit amen.
 
I know it is easy for me to say this but you should not feel guilty about this situation as you have described it. She chose to do the things she did and she created the situation herself. It is perfectly natural to feel terrible about something like this even when it is not your fault. And as far as the Priest goes, he was WAY out of line in saying what he did. I am shocked that he would say “just don’t talk to me”. That behavior is inexcusable. I would definitely seek out another Parish. Pray for everyone that is affected by this including her and certainly the child, but do not blame yourself. You are a victim of this too.
 
I followed your previous posts and I’m so sorry to hear the latest news. Don’t put all the guilt on your shoulders. This tragedy happened because of her decision and the decision of the other man involved. The other man got her pregnant, left her, did not offer any sort of emotional or financial support…it just makes me angry thinking about this.

I am praying for you, your ex wife and the baby. If it helps with your guilt you can go into the confessional and tell this story to another priest.
 
It was not your fault.

Obviously your wife has underlying problems outside your control.

I remember your previous posts well. You sought counsel, you followed the advice. Why you came back because of her attempt I do not understand since you have separated, you are going through with the divorce and the child is not yours. You severed all ties to this woman, except emotional ones.

For those I suggest visiting another priest and sitting before the tabernacle to give all these thoughts and emotions running through your mind and soul over to Jesus. Pray for your wife, her child and her family for you loved her.

The divine mercy chaplet at 3:00pm is most powerful. Go to confession and fast leading up to that hour. Plan to be at the Eucharist at that time. Pray the chaplet for her and follow it up with a rosary for you. You will find peace in time. Continue with your life as before. Your path is different from hers and you mustn’t neglect what God has planned for you.
 
I remember reading your posts back in August, and it particularly stuck out in my memory. What a tragic situation.

I agree that the Priest did not act appropriately, way unbecoming of his responsibility to counsel you under such difficult circumstances. Did your wife and you know him for some time? Seems to be an emotional connection there. Seeking another priest would probably be a good idea.
I remember you mentioned that you were told it was not the moral ‘high-road’ which you were taking, but I disagree. Your wife’s actions clearly did not/do not exhibit repentance, and while you can always offer forgiveness it does nothing if she is not predisposed to accept it. How you have handled this was perfectly just, and unless you were lacking in any sort of charity (which would be totally understandable) there is absolutely no guilt on your part. Anyway, confession is always comforting to one’s conscience.

Siena gave excellent advice above except that I would not offer to raise this poor child as your own, but let the grandparents raise him/her. You’ve already made the decision not to raise the baby, offering to do so now would be adding salt on the wound and only complicate your remaining emotional ties.

Your wife’s intensely selfish behaviour has placed herself at a serious risk for abandonment of God (hell). Pray for her!
 
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Neithan:
Siena gave excellent advice above except that I would not offer to raise this poor child as your own, but let the grandparents raise him/her. You’ve already made the decision not to raise the baby, offering to do so now would be adding salt on the wound and only complicate your remaining emotional ties.
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True. I withdraw my suggestion.
 
Diver, I am really sorry to hear this sad news. I really felt bad for you when I had read your posts over the summer. Please know, while maybe you could have made different decisions, you were not the one who created this situation. Your wife and the other man were. We are all human and don’t always respond to our trials like total saints. Look at your priest. He certainly should be more understanding of your situation, but even he is only human. Please know though that God’s mercy and ability to forgive IS perfect. Please seek another priest and confess for your shortcomings, and please do accept God’s mercy and forgiveness. Praying for your wife, acting as her intercessor, would be a good idea too. Be assured that God will be very just, and he knows what was in her heart and they physical and emotional pressure that she was under. I will include you and your wife and her son in my prayers.
 
I’m not saying the priest was right, but he IS human. If he had given her Last Rites, its possible that he was also counceling her through the seperation. Just as in any divorce, people take sides. Again, not saying this is right, and certainly we would expect our priest to be impartial and fair, but maybe he was just feeling the emotion of the circumstances surrounding having a parishioner near death.

I think it would be a good idea for you to seek councel from a different priest, one that would not have an emotional attachment to your wife’s side of the story.

I followed your posts over the summer, and I felt for you. I also think you got lots of flack on these boards because of the long seperations caused by your job probably having something to do with your wife’s unfaithfullness.

Boloney!!!

Roll call all the military wives on this board, and see how many of them are unfaithful because of their husbands’ long absences. Fidelity is a choice, and your wife did not make that choice.

You were also given a lot of flack that you did not forgive your wife and be willing to take the child into your home.
I wonder how many of those who pointed fingers had actually walked in your shoes? It is so easy to tell someone on an anonymous internet board what they SHOULD do.

I also can understand the bitterness of her parents in not letting you visit. In a perfect world, you would have welcomed the baby with open arms and everyone would have lived happily ever after.

Unfortunately, there are no winners here.

Your wife chose to be unfaithful,
the other man chose not to take responsibility for the child he helped conceive,
you chose not to forgive your wife and accept the child as yours,

the results are a huge tragedy.

Whether your wife has confessed is between her and God.
It is between you and God whether you feel there is anything to confess on your part.

I think all you can do right now for her is pray.

What a sad, sad story. My prayers are with you, too.

Arlene
 
I will join in with others here in praying. Let’s storm heaven, everyone.

This was NOT your fault.
 
lets not forget that he said SEVERE POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION, which his wife was suffering from.

so in essence, she was not playing with a full deck so to speak.

all the hormonal and neurotransmitter imbalances, the immediate onset of accute bipolar symptoms, and a plethera of other things associated with this, and there is no way that this woman made any rational choices whatsoever.

sad, sad, and more sad.

maybe her doctor was drunk or high when he saw her for her follow-up exams, and missed it. some doctors just do not take the time to actually look and see what is REALLY going on and how their patient is REALLY doing.

maybe if you want to try and set things straight, give her parents access to your lawyers, or offer to help with costs, and ask for a formal inquiry about possible malpractice and misdiagnosis.

i find it almost impossible to believe that a GOOD doctor would miss the signs and symptoms of SERIOUS postpartum depression. unless they were on heroin.

I will private message you right now with contacts I have from research fellows I have come across. there ARE experimental treatments for liver failure, you have just got to hope she can fight long enough to fly in the right doctors. and it costs $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$. that yearly salary you have said is so big might only cover about half the treatment. the 1-3 day estimate about her death most likely is VERY conservative. all the doc is doing is covering his backside by telling you a short time period, so any extra time seems like a miracle. very common.

I have seen patients in the same situation that did not die until 12-15 days after the initial overdose. it all just depends on how long the liver can actually maintain its enzymatic activity. every person’s physiology is diferent.

you can try and still help her, even though you did want to divorce. i wish you all the luck and prayer in the world.
 
I am so sorry to hear about all this. What a sad situation! I won’t repeat what others have said except to say that I agree your priest acted inappropriately towards you, for which you must forgive him.

And, you have no responsibility towards another man’s baby. It is obvious she wanted you to bring it up to avoid having to rely on the father or being abandoned by him and getting herself into the very situation she finally did. This was not an emotionally stable person, poor thing. I will pray for the repose of her soul.

Let the grandparents bring up the child. They want to do it, and you should let this whole thing go and move on with your life. One day you will want to marry another woman. Just make sure she is the stable sort who will be able to live on her own when you must be gone on your job assignments.
 
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