Sad & lonely...Missing so many friends... Why do evangelicals leave when they find out I'm Catholic?

[graceandglory]

Really asking for honest answers here.

I think they think I’m not saved. Or that I’m “backslidden.”

How do they come up with that idea? What part of “Christian” and “saved” in the evangelical’s opinion do they say I am not?

How can they walk away from a deep friendship after knowing me for more than twenty years as a faithful Christian?

I don’t get it, and tonight it just hurts.

 

[Non_Serviam]

I’m sorry to hear that you are in this situation-I’ve had similar experiences with friends with whom there’s been a difference in path with regard to church. It’s never pleasant and can feel like a no win situation at times-focus on your faith and feel like you are not loyal to your friends; focus on your friends and feel like you aren’t focused on your faith.

Some thoughts come to mind that may or may not be helpful at this time:

During your time as a protestant, did you characterize your catholicism as “wrong” or “bad” or “false”? If you did, it may now be very confusing for them to try and figure out why you’ve left what they believe to be the “truth” for something you had previously rejected. They may be uncertain whether they are supposed to “save” you, congratulate you or something else.

How do you describe your return to catholicism? Keep in mind that the terms you use may be very threatening to their self-image, since they hold the beliefs that you’ve moved away from.

There’s also the fact that most friendships are formed on one or two core items of shared identity, that provide the foundation for the rest of the friendship to grow. If your protestant faith was one of these core items, they may have a sense that they don’t know you now-it’s a function of neurology and memory, that we feel discomfort when the structures we’ve assigned to memories are displaced. It takes an act of will to make the effort to discover that other aspects of a person’s personality are still the same.

In the same way-closeness is reinforced in the mind by proximity and/or familiarity. You still feel like “you” because so much of your life is still familiar to you, but if many of the shared activities with your friends are no longer shared, then those familiarity signals that reinforce feelings of friendship and closeness aren’t being activated in their minds.

All I can suggest is that some people will be able to find a place in your new identity and some won’t-hopefully those most dear to you will be in the former category. You can always pray and ask for that if God wills it so. You can also ask that new friendships become deeper rooted as well.

 

[josie_L]

Really asking for honest answers here.

I think they think I’m not saved. Or that I’m “backslidden.”

How do they come up with that idea? What part of “Christian” and “saved” in the evangelical’s opinion do they say I am not?

How can they walk away from a deep friendship after knowing me for more than twenty years as a faithful Christian?

I don’t get it, and tonight it just hurts.

Hi Grace and Glory, I know what it feels to be abandoned by friends. Last year (in February to be exact), I was seriously ill to the point of death, I, of course, survived with the help of our Lord (and the faith of my family), it took however its toll on me and I fell into a depression. My best friend for a duration of time (especially while I was hospitalized) was there for me, however, she was and still is a pretty busy person. I understood this without rancor and/or self pity as I did not want to burden her with my trials. Things however began to irk me, for she would not call for weeks (she lives in another city), nor come down to visit as often as she could (I was convalescing for the better part of that time). I did try calling but her schedule being as it was, made it difficult to know whether she was home or away for work, needless to say I would get no response from her (this was several monts after my release from the hospital). Suffice it say, she did not act like someone who had almost lost her best friend. We finally met during the holiday season, and something happened which I cannot relay but left me angry, she has not called me since. I did not in any way hurt her during our last conversation, she, however, deemed it necessary to insult me, in a way that was patently false. I too feel hurt but I also feel angry, many times I find myself reflecting and wondering why she has rejected my friendship, and my blood boils because I did nothing to warrant this behaviour. I do pray for her and I do believe time will heal our friendship. Just remember that your friends may eventually come round. But realize in the mean time that you can sow new friendships. God is good, all things will come to pass.

 

[jen_fla]

i am really sorry you are going through this. as hard as it can be, pray for them. if you can’t pray for them yet, then ask God to help you want to pray for them.

then see if you can get them to come here. ask them if they know how the Bible they hold in their hands came to be? find some good threads on the topic and see if they will engage in conversation.

hopefully, you won’t feel lonely on this forum.

peace and hugs,
jen

:hug3:

 

[Zooey]

Really asking for honest answers here.

I think they think I’m not saved. Or that I’m “backslidden.”

How do they come up with that idea? What part of “Christian” and “saved” in the evangelical’s opinion do they say I am not?

How can they walk away from a deep friendship after knowing me for more than twenty years as a faithful Christian?

I don’t get it, and tonight it just hurts.

First of all, from the Friendly Neighborhood Methodist hereabouts: :hug3:.

Many people have a very narrow definition of what they believe is ‘Christian’…I have one elderly Baptist relative who, whenever I see him, he eventually asks:“Now are you still (in a sad hushed undertone, as though it were a Horrible Near-Fatal Illness) a Methodist?”…and you can’t take an 80 year old man and :nunchuk:him. No matter how much you want to. You can’t even :imsorry:roll your eyes at him.
Many times, folks show up here at CAF, I notice, who are convinced that this must be where ‘All Those Poor Deluded People’ gather, & they think that they will convert everyone in a evening…including Methodists (One of my former pastors had a Baptist preacher stop in at the parsonage and announce that “I am here to convert you from Methodism to Christianity!!”uch.

You confuse them. You rattle their simplistic understanding of what it is to be Christian. (I often read a blog called mommylife.net/ which is written by a wonderful lady who has been pretty much in your shoes. Oh, the screams of protest when she announced that she & her husbamd were becoming Catholic! )
And then, too, many are brought up on very peculiar skewed notions of what Catholics believe, and what the Catholic Church is really all about…Its that narrow view again; a Christian is “thus & so” and believes “such & such”, & it seems impossible that someone whose Christian faith they have known for so long, could be that much different from what they are. Of course, a full 3/4 of what they believe is all fiction anyway…but they have invested so much time and energy in it. It seems that they are being threatened at the very core of who & what they believe.
There are those, too, who are simply frightened that you have somehow fallen into what they have been taught is a “cult”, and they worry for you…But those folks are mostly sad, & not openly accusing you of [insert Mythical Story About Catholics of choice here]. But they wonder. They worry.

None of which is particularly helpful right now. I am just sorry that this is so painful for you just now.
Once more::hug3:.
God bless you, & may you be at peace a little more for sharing.

 

[jrabs]

I am sorry about your pain. My husband experienced the same reaction when he reverted back to his catholic roots.
His evangelical Christian “Family” (meaning friends) shunned him. Even his daughter (my step -daughter) cannot understand Dad’s betrayal in marrying me - a Catholic -and going back to his Catholic faith.

I hope the pain will subside if you get involved in your parish and meet some Catholics to support you and encourage you.

 

[ralphinal]

This may not be good advice, but maybe you could ask one what is going on. Call one of them up that you were close to and ask why.

You are in my prayers

 

[Eucharisted]

Jesus, too, was abandoned by His friends. Pray to Him.

 

[graceandglory]

Some thoughts come to mind that may or may not be helpful at this time:

During your time as a protestant, did you characterize your catholicism as “wrong” or “bad” or “false”? If you did, it may now be very confusing for them to try and figure out why you’ve left what they believe to be the “truth” for something you had previously rejected.

I don’t think so. I remember telling people that I was “saved” when I was a Catholic. I didn’t know “when” I just knew that when I “became a protestant” or whatever, I never made an altar call or anything…

They may be uncertain whether they are supposed to “save” you, congratulate you or something else.

true.

How do you describe your return to catholicism?

I don’t. That’s just the point of my post. They found out, and they’re history.

There’s also the fact that most friendships are formed on one or two core items of shared identity, that provide the foundation for the rest of the friendship to grow. If your protestant faith was one of these core items,
.
.
**.
but if many of the shared activities with your friends are no longer shared, **then those familiarity signals that reinforce feelings of friendship and closeness aren’t being activated in their minds.

See, that’s the whole thing…They left first!!! They left our “church” in order to go their own (fractured) way. We were all worshipping together 20 yrs ago, but one by one, everyone moved on to a different denomination, a different bldg, a different pastor, and a different belief system. I felt so alone. I wanted to be with my brothers and sisters in Christ on Sundays. I wasn’t just going to go where ever they went though.

So, in my own searching for the true church, I came back Home.
What did we have “in common?” Probably our allegiance to Dr. Dobson and raising our kids with the same mindset, and having the same views of faithfulness in marriage and having a scripturally based family life and marriage.
None of that has changed, except my allegiance to Dobson has been replaced by my faithfulness to the Catholic Church and it’s head, Pope Benedict.

 

[graceandglory]

I am sorry about your pain. My husband experienced the same reaction when he reverted back to his catholic roots.
His evangelical Christian “Family” (meaning friends) shunned him. Even his daughter (my step -daughter) cannot understand Dad’s betrayal in marrying me - a Catholic -and going back to his Catholic faith.

I hope the pain will subside if you get involved in your parish and meet some Catholics to support you and encourage you.

THAT’S IT!!!
:bluelite:
It’ seriously IS like SHUNNING!!!
Who knew that would happen…
You’re not shunned if you leave for any other protestant denomination, though maybe if it were a liturgical one, and you’re not shunned for backsliding and living in sin…
You’re not even shunned for not going to church for 20 yrs, because you can’t find a church to your liking, as long as you listen to christian preachers on tv…

But I guess to them I committed the unpardonable.
Just shows the total unreasonableness of protestantism.
(not sure if that’s a word ^ )

 

[graceandglory]

This may not be good advice, but maybe you could ask one what is going on. Call one of them up that you were close to and ask why.

You are in my prayers

Hi Ralphinal,
Thanks for the prayers.
I have asked. Two of my dear group of lady friends are cradle Catholics. They are the only ones who sort of know I’m still Christian. It’s the cradle pentecostals that have a hard time with it. The shunning must run deep. No word, no questioning, just avoidance.

Thanks though.

 

[ralphinal]

Hi Ralphinal,
Thanks for the prayers.
I have asked. Two of my dear group of lady friends are cradle Catholics. They are the only ones who sort of know I’m still Christian. It’s the cradle pentecostals that have a hard time with it. The shunning must run deep. No word, no questioning, just avoidance.

Thanks though.

Well, think about it like I do.

I don’t want for friends someone who would have someone like me as a friend (forgive me Groucho Marx).

 

[tundramom]

I went through the same thing after I left the Assembly of God and became a Catholic.

It was not nearly as hard as leaving Mormonism, but it hurt too.

I don’t have the answers, but I am praying for you!

in Christ
Steph

 

[Bill_Pick]

Really asking for honest answers here.

I think they think I’m not saved. Or that I’m “backslidden.”

How do they come up with that idea? What part of “Christian” and “saved” in the evangelical’s opinion do they say I am not?

How can they walk away from a deep friendship after knowing me for more than twenty years as a faithful Christian?

I don’t get it, and tonight it just hurts.

Because most non-cathloic are iignorant of what they tihnk are the teaching of the CC

 

[pismopal]

You did not lose any friends. You were fortunate to have a bright light shone upon those who were posing as friends and as Christians. You accepted them as such…for that you are blessed. Now you can move on with your life without looking back. Most of us know what a Christian should be but lots of those who think they are don’t make the grade. The friend part is easy…a friend is someone who knows all about you and likes you anyway.

 

[fishisgood]

Christ tells us these things will happen in his name… “blessed are those”… You are in my prayers. Take solice in your pain it may be your cross.

 

[Gottle_of_Geer]

First of all, from the Friendly Neighborhood Methodist hereabouts: :hug3:.

Many people have a very narrow definition of what they believe is ‘Christian’…I have one elderly Baptist relative who, whenever I see him, he eventually asks:“Now are you still (in a sad hushed undertone, as though it were a Horrible Near-Fatal Illness) a Methodist?”…and you can’t take an 80 year old man and :nunchuk:him. No matter how much you want to. You can’t even :imsorry:roll your eyes at him.
Many times, folks show up here at CAF, I notice, who are convinced that this must be where ‘All Those Poor Deluded People’ gather, & they think that they will convert everyone in a evening…including Methodists (One of my former pastors had a Baptist preacher stop in at the parsonage and announce that “I am here to convert you from Methodism to Christianity!!”uch.

You confuse them. You rattle their simplistic understanding of what it is to be Christian. (I often read a blog called mommylife.net/ which is written by a wonderful lady who has been pretty much in your shoes. Oh, the screams of protest when she announced that she & her husbamd were becoming Catholic! )
And then, too, many are brought up on very peculiar skewed notions of what Catholics believe, and what the Catholic Church is really all about…Its that narrow view again; a Christian is “thus & so” and believes “such & such”, & it seems impossible that someone whose Christian faith they have known for so long, could be that much different from what they are. Of course, a full 3/4 of what they believe is all fiction anyway…but they have invested so much time and energy in it. It seems that they are being threatened at the very core of who & what they believe.
There are those, too, who are simply frightened that you have somehow fallen into what they have been taught is a “cult”, and they worry for you…But those folks are mostly sad, & not openly accusing you of [insert Mythical Story About Catholics of choice here]. But they wonder. They worry.

None of which is particularly helpful right now. I am just sorry that this is so painful for you just now.
Once more::hug3:.
God bless you, & may you be at peace a little more for sharing.

​

I think parochialism & inexperience have a lot to do with this - some people are unable to imagine it possible that what is not familiar to them is not illegitimate. That is often just “the way they’re made”, & while it is a limitation, it is not necessarily a moral failing. IOW, the problem could well be a lack of (sympathetic) imagination. As for Catholicism, “cradle” Catholics might not realises or understand this, but, it can look, from the POV of another Christian, weird at best & unChristian at worst - not because the other Christian is a “Catholic-hater”, but because the other Christian is unfamiliar with it, & for that reason finds it “alien”, impossible to make sense of within the categories for understanding the world that he or she already possesses. And I suspect that “cradle” Catholics may find something similar when they look on Protestantism from the outside - never having experienced Protestantism purely from the outside, I’m guessing; so the guess may be wide of the mark.

 

[MelanieAnne]

GraceAndGlory,

I’m sorry that you’re suffering this loneliness. I agree with Pismopal. It sounds to me as if these folks weren’t truly friends. It’s hard to know for sure.

Also, you might consider that Jesus promised that we would be tested in our faith. Tests of faith are often difficult and challenging. Perhaps this is part of your “test”. If so, just hang in there!

 

[Non_Serviam]

I don’t think so. I remember telling people that I was “saved” when I was a Catholic. I didn’t know “when” I just knew that when I “became a protestant” or whatever, I never made an altar call or anything…
true.
I don’t. That’s just the point of my post. They found out, and they’re history.

Without knowing the details of how they found out, it’s hard to say what exactly made them decide to do this, but as some have suggested it would appear that they weren’t able to reconcile your choice of church with their choices and felt less comfortable as a result-it doesn’t speak well of them that they couldn’t try to articulate those feelings and either find some common ground or reach a point where it was obvious to all involved that you were on different paths, but not everyone is that strong or able to communicate effectively.

See, that’s the whole thing…They left first!!! They left our “church” in order to go their own (fractured) way. We were all worshipping together 20 yrs ago, but one by one, everyone moved on to a different denomination, a different bldg, a different pastor, and a different belief system. I felt so alone. I wanted to be with my brothers and sisters in Christ on Sundays. I wasn’t just going to go where ever they went though.

So, in my own searching for the true church, I came back Home.
What did we have “in common?” Probably our allegiance to Dr. Dobson and raising our kids with the same mindset, and having the same views of faithfulness in marriage and having a scripturally based family life and marriage.
None of that has changed, except my allegiance to Dobson has been replaced by my faithfulness to the Catholic Church and it’s head, Pope Benedict.

I don’t know what happened in your church past that caused the exodus of all your friends, but these things happen, Protestant or Catholic, and for one reason or another people who have been close, leave and attend elsewhere.

When you were in touch, were you sharing any of your search and newfound interest in returning to Catholicism, or did they only find out about it after the fact? If the latter, it may have really shocked them if there had been no prior sense that this was something you had been considering. As others have said in the thread, many non-Catholics know little of the Catholic church, and what they have experienced may not have left a positive impression.

Likewise, why James Dobson has much in common with catholic family theology, the two have developed those views independently and don’t share many common references-statements like “my allegiance to Dobson has been replaced by my faithfulness to the Catholic Church and it’s head, Pope Benedict” may sound odd to them as they may not consider themselves as having given “allegiance” to Dobson, but rather to the beliefs he presents. While in practice many non-Catholics may place a lot of credence in one or more individuals, they don’t tend to think of it in the same way that Catholics view their relationship to the Pope. This difference of paradigm could be part of what they find unusual.

In the long run, they may try to reinitiate the relationship and you’ll have to decide what you want to do about that, or you may decide that some of them are worth contacting again-if so, time spent now reflecting on what is different in your life might help you provide explanations that allow for reconnection and discussion. In the mean time, as others hove suggested, take time to draw closer to God, and see who in your new church or CAF might have some similar beliefs about marriage and family that could be a first step to forming new friendships. Best of luck to you!

 

[ufamtobie]

QUOTE=graceandglory;4916671]Really asking for honest answers here.

I think they think I’m not saved. Or that I’m “backslidden.”

How do they come up with that idea? What part of “Christian” and “saved” in the evangelical’s opinion do they say I am not?

How can they walk away from a deep friendship after knowing me for more than twenty years as a faithful Christian?

I don’t get it, and tonight it just hurts.

Hi there Grace

Jesus Christ was Hurt as well when many of His disciples left him regarding the Eucharist in John 6: 66 From this time on, many of his disciples broke away and would not remain in his company any longer.

Grace, I am sure that the Eucharist is one of the reason why they broke away from you? TRUTH is that these friends that broke away from you they also are like the Diciples who broke away from Jesus regarding the Eucharist

Jesus Christ, did not call those disciple back, he only watched them leave but I am sure he prayed for them, wether they came back to him the bible does not say. All I say to you is pray for your companions that left.

Ufamtobie